- Member Since 17th May, 2017
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
Mochas Dungeon
My darker (fun) side resides here.
Mochas Dungeon
Joined 17th May, 2017 ·
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Mochas Dungeon · 207k words · 63 28 · 1.2k views
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Hmm, seems alright, I'll track this, wondering where it's gonna go
5877068 thanks.
It's something I'm going to work on diligently so maybe every other week a chapter maybe less.
:)
5877948 so is this done? from your comment, it doesn't sound like your done with it. it was good, and i kinda want to see more.
5884276
There's a long way to go.
It's only been a few hours into their relationship.
I have a couple days planned out already.
I just need to get the story right and I'll post.
:)
Let me know what ya think. I have a few chapters that need reviewing and I'll post them once every few days now.
wait, what happened to the other two chapters?
5888706
Posted before I proof read.
I'll repost on the morning here
that last bit was super sweet! I loved it, and i really hope we see more moments like that in the future!
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/353/279/e31.jpg
5907777 I know, right. Jealousy and genius is a bitch... It was the most logical outcome. lol
Comments or thoughts?
Sorry for the delay in chapters, I've been really busy getting ready for mothers day.
The busiest day at any good restaurant.
:)
I'll post a new chapter tomorrow if I can get it proof read in time.
5942804
Thanks
It took me days to work it out...
I actually pouted when I finished it. It was SUPPOSED to be the last chapter but I can't end it like that.
OMG this is SO far from a cheesy clop fic.
Lol
This is just....painful to read. Characters change emotions on a dime, and you clearly have NO idea what "show, don't tell" means. Appledash is a crowded marketplace, you can't just dump any old generic thrash on us and expect instant 5000 views.
5943110
Read past the first two chapters. It was supposed to be a quick trial clop, then it got a lot better. If you don't like it then read it all before you hate it. The story actually progresses quite well after the third chapter.
And expecting anything more than 200 views in a month is amazing to me, so 5000 must have been amazing the first time you broke that! Congrats, I hope to be as awesome some day in the far future. Until then, I'm going to write and hope for the best.
5946409
I think I'm gonna end this story with a bang...
The last couple chapters will be posted in the next couple weeks...
Asof right now it is mothers day, the busiest in the restaurant industry, and I have several ideas for a final sex scene and end..
Then maybe I'll start a sequel or spin off..
IDK yet.
5956581 that's good to hear
Sorry about the wait for the next chapter. I'm really exhausted from Mother's day. As you may or may not know, it is the busiest day in the restaurant industry. I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday working 16 hours each day.
I'll try to finish it by the end of this week. Thanks for the patience.
I'm starting to not like Applejack. She meets Twilight and her new marefriend and asks to speak to Twilight privately just to tell her she is going to lose her marefriend. Then she goes on to tell Twilight to NOT be herself in order to keep her. I'm beginning to wonder if Twilight was as bad as Applejack said she was when they dated. Especially when earlier Applejack complained that Twilight took notes when they were together and Twilight began to object but was cut off by Applejack.
As for Pinkie's problem, she should talk to Twilight as she went through something similar with Rarity and Fluttershy and ask what she should do.
5968126
Good ideas and thought, I'll see if I can resolve the conflicts peacefully or maybe have them become a point of strife in the future before they resolve their personal issues.
When I wrote it I was thinking more like Applejack had been so annoyed by Twilight that she cared for her, but didn't want to hear any excuses about why she (Twilight) acted the way she did. I guess it could be said that Applejack didn't handle it well either and could have talked it out... Now they're both in a defensive place and they're both very prideful... Yeah. I can totally see this being a great topic in a future chapter/sequel book.
I'll give you a shout out when I get there.
And as for Pinkie. You should know from that episode. You NEVER break a Pinkie Promise. It's the surest way to lose a friend. Forever.
Here's a mustache while you wait! (Let it grow on you.)
5968376
A-ha!
I KNEW I missed something but couldn't find it.
Thanks friend!
:)
Well, I did it.
I finally caught up to the most recent chapter.
I can now give this story a fair, unbiased review, with the assistance of hindsight.
Good points: it DID, in fairness, improve as it went on. The clop was good too.
Bad points: Dialogue is still as clunky and awkward as a 1970's Lada. Characters still have unprompted mood swings that would put a 9-months-pregnant-with-triplets woman to shame. Events happen out of the blue. Punctuation is nonexistent. Grammatical and spelling errors are littered throughout.
All in all, it's... Readable. I give it 1 out of 5 blur songs
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NsaJ7KsH90Y
5969763
One star is a great start for my first real story!
I can only get better from here!
Whoop whoop.
:)
Thanks!
And I know it's clunky and all, I'm a novice writer and write with three kids and a 60 hour a week job on my mind.
:p
Soon. SOON I'll get more time and have a better mind set to focus on plot and characters.
:)
I really do appreciate feedback and criticism, so keep reading.
The next book will be much better.
:)
I pinkie promise.
Cross my heart hope to fly stick a cupcake in my eye.
If any one else has a view or opinion please, let me know so I can be a better writer.
I'm not going to even try to impress everone, but I'll do my best to make a better story, especially since I think toys can actually become a great personal success.
Oh Mai! This is a fun read. Glad to see rainbow being responsible for once.
5972892
Thanks!
Yeee caught up. Thanks for the fun ride so far.
5974765
Thanks, I've got a couple more chapters before I start the next story sequel. It'll be more exciting then sexual, but still good. :)
same time? A lot of things happen at the same time when they get Giggity with it.
lol
One big mechanical issue that stumbled me in this chapter was
That new paragraph afert Dash first spoke made me think it was AJ bringing up the party and I got all confuzled. To the best of my knowledge, you only gotta start a new paragraph when someone new starts speaking, not when continuing someone's dialog.
Not a mechanical issue, I just nearly broke my brain imagining Rainbow Dash saying the word 'lovers' (lol)
First half of that sentence is beautiful. Such a specific sensation that conveys so many feelings. I am in awe at the word choice. The downside is that "jumps" should be "jumped".
The chapter overall was quite lovely. I liked the way Rainbow Dash handled the simple hanging out parts of what she thought was gonna be a normal day and how AJ steered things to her own end. The bit at the end seemed a tad rushed but, as I said in my last comment, I am anticipating an increase in quality as the quantity of chapters grows.
6010849
Thank you so much for the input. The first few chapters are...
lol, you'll find the first few chapters are riddled with grammar and spelling issues. If I had to fix them all I'd end up writing them and then unraveling some part later in the story.
I'll write a clop fic that'll blast this one away.
Can you warn in the description about the twijack? (It's kind of disturbing, but that's my opinion.)
6073538
I'm sorry, I don't understand. ....
6074030
I mean, could you write in the description that it contains small amounts of Twijack (Twilight x Applejack) for those who doesn't like that ship (for example me), so it doesn't come as a disturbing surprise?
Finally getting around to reading this, and you've already earned a like.
Oh, wow. That was unexpected.
6788402
Well then.
I would say no words but this comment already has thirteen.
That video.
Ive seen it.
That last part was hilarious.
Honestly, Rainbow Dash....
Well, Im gonna turn in.
Shall continue reading tomorrow!
Edge raised her hand.
raised her hand
her hand.
HAND.
Rainbow, honestly....
D'awwww.