- Member Since 17th May, 2017
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
Mochas Dungeon
My darker (fun) side resides here.
Mochas Dungeon
Joined 17th May, 2017 ·
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I thought of a chick when I read the title I'm not dirty minded
I really want to know more of this world. Even the announcement mare looked to be an abused slave, but either happy with her lot or filled with sadistic glee at watching slaves lower than her fight. Or both.
these all came out suddenly and this is exactly what i had hoped it would be! will there be more? or is the hiatus still in effect?
This story is very confusing in the context of CTS, even if you consider it's a warped and broken variety. It's an interesting tale, but is in need of an editor and some clarification on how this world's society operates or if it's supposed to be the same universe but with a separate, twisted society running in parallel with the old one, this one being full of the rejects and the ones they recruit themselves.
Would actually be interesting to see two versions of the same society in a hidden war. Kind of like a kinky Jedi versus kinky Sith thing.
8980155
Iit's loosely built in the universe but I'm gonna take it out of CTS. I had a vision for it but it took its own path into a harrowing story, so yeah.
Thanks for the comment! It means a lot to me.
8992601
No problem! It's a pretty wild take on things lore wise, but it does make for a good story from an outside point of view which helps glaze over the need for a detailed account of the differences between CTS Prime and the scary little band of psychopaths you've made. It is a little weird hearing "clockface" in the context of a hypnosis trigger though. Kinda feels dirty, and not really in a comfortable way. :\
any idea when we can expect an update and new chapter?
9772222
I'm actually working on it, along with some cosmetic changes to earlier chapters.
I went through a rough year that ended with me divorcing my ex wife, I'm starting to write again and this is third in my list that I hop into.
All I can say is "soon", but I'm hoping by end of month now that I'm under so much less stress.
Before I read this, I must know: What does a fight club have to do with being a sex slave?
9787209
Everything and nothing.
...th-...b-....
Registered on this site just to say how much I really enjoyed this story. There’s some really very thought provoking material here. Particularly the first 6 chapters or so. The title of the story, and its description, really doesn’t prepare you for how much this becomes a very personal story about an intimate yet platonic relationship between this gryphon and pony.
I was so sure this would end much sadder than it did! I was convinced that you’d go down a route where Saph would eventually be discovered by ponies and Gerald would get the blame for her psychological damage... which would’ve been, sad...
My only criticism I suppose would be I felt the latter half of the story felt a bit more rushed compared to the introspective, more detailed character development stuff that occurs in the first half. Without getting into specific instances, the pacing feels jarring compared to the first half, with the new characters getting introduced, developed, and get their resolutions really quickly, and there’s much more dense dialogue with more chatter and less descriptions... I also feel like there could’ve been an entire chapter after Saph gets abducted again, from the perspective of Gerald...
Anyway that’s just minor stuff which I bring up only because of how much I absolutely loved the first half. I genuinely loved this enough to register on the site to let you know about it. Thanks for writing it.
9824572
THank you for liking the story, thank you for commenting, and thank you for joining the site just for this.
You're actually, as you can see, one of the only actual commenters to date, so I'll take your advice and work on adding in more details to the story in the next revision's release. If you stay active, I'll make a note to thank you when I do in there, somewhere.
Authors live for comments, it fuels us and helps us write more. True fact. Spread the word, 'a comment a chapter gets more faster.'
This story is adorable! I'm barely into it and yet I love it.
This was a pretty story. Thank you for writing it.
9967158
Thank you for reading it.
There's a lot I wish I'd added but didn't think of until after I was done, but they fact you liked it and commented mean the world to me.
I'm a fan of edgy stuff and I appreciate the rarity of coming by it every now and then. Thing is, it follows the 80-20 rule. You're writing is mediocre, you messed up sentences and the story itself suffers from many awkward scenes. The first three quarters were alright being carried more by the themes than the writing, but towards the end the writing just gets unbearable.
10165522
1) You're = Your
2) I totally agree and the fact I waited months between a hiatus and really rushed from the moment she enters the town to the end shows horribly. I really want to do a complete rewrite because I am far better than this; but time and motivation are in short supply these last couple years. I finished the story on the back of an affair and separation and tried to write to get the stress off; it didn't work as well as I'd have hoped and this is one of the examples.
I appreciate the comment; I really do, and I also like the reminder of the poor ending I rushed. I do have a plan of what should actually happen to make the ending act better and to have it properly edited and proofed, but calling my overall writing style mediocre is a bit much based on one unedited story with 80/20, as you stated.
10168985
I should've made myself more clear. The writing for the story I'm commenting on is mediocre, I don't know about your writing in general because I haven't read any other story of yours. Thank you for reading my shitty criticism and not sperging out
10169932
It's all good, I understand and appreciate the comment. I only hope I can get around to fixing this whole thing.
Pretty good story, man. I find myself wondering how much of this is happening for real. I've only heard rumors of similar cults among the world's elite, yet I feel like if any of it is real, it'd be a lot like what Sapphire went through. Dunno if there are underground fighting clubs like that, but it'd be the most tame thing I've heard of.
I did notice quite a few grammatical errors though. You might want to give it another read-through and edit it, or maybe tweak the story a bit. I don't have the time to go through an in-depth review of it all, so I'd just recommend seeing what feels off and thinking on how to improve it. Maybe find someone you trust to read through it and give ya advice. Beta readers are pretty essential to any writer's work. They'll often spot what you missed on your first edit. The more of them you have, the better.
I hope you keep writing. You can only get better with more practice. It's the only way to learn how to spot your mistakes and fix them.
Happy writing!
10292082
Thanks, I appreciate it a whole bunch. I know there are a lot of little things, and I actually went over it once, by myself, to add a lot of content, but I still have to edit it properly.
I hope to get to it myself, or get an editor to do it, but it shall be done!
As far as the real life aspect, I'm certain it's happened in some ways, in every respect and aspect, though maybe not in the same way or all at once. I hope it doesn't happen at all, but there are a lot of messed up people IRL.
Thanks again, I'll pull up the original on gDocs and touch it up from the start right now.