- Member Since 8th Dec, 2014
- offline last seen Yesterday
Garfield23
Well I'm Garfield23 and I'm another Scottish Brony. Writing stories is one of my favourite hobbies.
Garfield23
Joined 8th Dec, 2014 ·
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Garfield23 · 22k words · 20 22 · 663 views
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heres hoping the bitch gets taken down
5712285 Well you'lll have to wait and see. This story is based off a nightmare I had, more importantly the possible ending but I like to write according to what people want to see. The ending of this story will be decided in part by comments and feedback. Thank you have a nice day.
Fairly good, didn't notice any huge grammar or spelling errors, looking forward to the next chapter. Only thing to add I guess is don't be discouraged by the rating, odds are 90% of those just looked at the tags and description and hit downvote.
5712568 Thank you for the kind feedback.
so far this is very good. hope to see more soon.
5716602 Thank you for the kind feedback.
5716618 not at all don't let the down votes get you down. i really did like this story and hope you don't cancel this story.
5716618
A bit late for me to read it now, but faved. Yeah, there seems to be a brigade of people who go around downvoting anything with a plot like this.
Wright more....huuunngh poor twily.....
Awww
Poor Twily.
Should have swallowed her pride and obeyed there... Everypony would know she'd been coerced into it
5809574 It was designed as a no win situation. There was no way to win, ether sacrifice her dad or sacrifice her only hope of rescue and Equestria freedom. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, Night Light was the few but to be fair its a situation that neither of us could imagine and I don't know what I'd do in that situation. Thanks for the feedback.
Normally I wouldn't go for a sad ending, but this is clop
Bring on the victorious and dominant chrysalis! 
5810562 I probably should have stated there isn't going to be a happy ending. It's more a case of sad ending vs a dark ending but what your asking for is the dark ending. Are you still happy with it? Oh and Chrysalis loses in both versions.
5811363
To be perfectly honest, i'm just in it for the clop :P So, whichever's more sexy, if they're both equally sexy i'm neutral.
Why the gods? to me it makes the plot a tad confusing.
5910195 Well why include Cerberus, Tartarus and a character's name is another word for chaos? Just to be clear Chaos is a lesser known Greek God. I have long thought there might be a connection to the Greek mythology in MLP. I thought that Poseidon probably created Earth ponies, Unicorns and Pegasus, he certainly was involved with Earth ponies and Pegasus(Don't ask) but I changed that for obvious reasons. Since Zeus is a dick, he probably created Alicorns to one up his brother and that is in line with his character. Hades is one of mythologies sorest losers, he would hate to have nothing to compete with Zeus or Poseidon's works and the changelings would be perfect for that. To be honest this came about because of a nightmare I had, that's where most of my ideas come from and here's a fun fact I'm a massive fan of Percy Jackson's adventures and the Disney's Hercules film. Any more questions? Feel free to ask.
5910430 True, but I like the concept and I don't mean to offend, but I think you could have introduced the a tad different and got better results. Again, I don't mean to offend, so don't try to kill me. Please.
5910441 No it's cool. I'm restricted by my dreams last time I moved too far away it sucked. Look at Celestia's released lust and you'll see what I mean. In the end introducing Hades this early was a change from the nightmare but I thought including him wouldn't make the next Guest to Pinkie's party such a big WTF. I also want to write a more difficult story and well this makes things easier.
5910466 I understand. I have a story that involves the Greek gods too. My first and only story on here and every one hates it. It has like 25 dislikes with only 10 likes.
Nobody will tell me why it sucks. They say it's errors, but my editors say it's fine. I'd like to know how the hell that works.
5910486 Hey I have a test reader and my most unpopular story is his favorite. He test read Chrysalis always wins and said he'd rather have his eyes removed than read a second chapter. Tell you what I'll take a look at your story since I'm a sucker for Greek God stories and if you like you can read whatever you like.
5910514 Sure. That works.
5910526 Allow me to say Thank you for the feedback, that means the world to me and it's the only way I'll improve as a writer. Feedback is worth all the likes I'll ever get and the dislike thing, I'd say ingore it feedback from those people would be worth reading but I never get feedback from people who didn't like it. Your comment was constructive and will help. Thank you.
5910571 No problem.
I'd like to point out that the slave collar should have activated during the cadence chrysalis and twilight scene stopping it, and the "this spell is powerful" part; I thought the collar inhibited her from doing magic ?
(P.S. You forgot zecora's rhyme)
Love the story so far
5932144 Thank you. For the Zecora talking in rhyme, I'm sorry but rhyming is not my talent. As for the slave collar part, I was more focused on giving Twilight a way to defy Chrysalis and if given the choice between keeping the slave collar concitant and letting Twilight defy Chrysalis, my choice is in the chapter but if it helps consider the collar weakens if overused and thus why Chrysalis kept switching slaves. However feedback is always appreciated, may I ask What if the next chapter included Applejack lying about her feelings?
The creature paused before stating “Behold the waves as they crash against the shores”
Poseidon right?
The other casualties of Chrysalis will make a full recovery
You do know Casualties mean they're dead, right?
This is getting a tad confusing. Should be fun though... Good luck.
5937720 Yes it's Poseidon. I'll change casualities to victims. What do you think I should do next?
5938500 I have no idea. The great thing about your story is that it always keeps me guessing. I never know what you'll hit me with next.
5940389 I just hope I can keep up momentum. The sad thing is my brain is processing a lot of ideas right now and I don't know which to use. I think I may take a small break and write a one shot, at least until I can pick out the best ideas but I may have elimated the anime heros down to two possibilities to allie with Applejack and her group, Sailor Moon's group or The Z fighters. Which one should I go for and which 3 members?
5940480 Best thing to do is write down all of the ideas and come up with events to cause them and put them in chronological order.
5938500 Technically a 'casualty' is 'a person rendered ineffective due to injury or death'; it doesn't necessarily imply a fatality. Eg., people injured by combat or accident are casualties.
6023735 Thank you for the feedback.
Prevale mispelled. If you want more feedback you have to aim for 99% typographical correctness. Readers like me lose our immersion when we snag on bumpy structure.
I tolerate a few mistakes here and there but your title and description is where perfection matters.
6061224 Okay, I'll try harder in future. I'm also looking through the story again trying to spot spelling errors and editing any sentence that doesn't make sense. I'm sorry to say one of my worst flaws as a writer is that I'm way too eager to get on with the story.
Quite curious, with the tags and all, is Chrysalis the classic "guy with tits" futa archetype? (as guessing it's them, going with the general set up for this type of fic.)
That being: Exclusively using their male parts, having extra large ones, atop all dialog based on sex revolve around the male parts. (Aka: The futa could just as well have been a male) Or do they actually utilize both parts to do some of said mentioned fucked up things? :P
Oh, and that said: With it being anthro, do you use equine or human anatomy? Or do you mismatch them?
Sorry if being a bit nosey, just like to have a vague working content description. As while there's nothing inherently bad with a generic/run of the mill story, they're to me just among the least interesting fics to me as well, I've read way too much fanfics x3
6063915 Can I be perfectly honest? The futa thing, is just so I could make it clear that Chrysalis was bad, as females with um...Penises is unnatural and evil is unnatural, so really it was just to display the depravity of Chrysalis. Anthro switches depending on the needs of the creator and I frankly don't have time to draw a diagram of Pony Twilight and Anthro Twilight, sorry. Thank you for your comment, it's always a pleasure to read what people think of my work. I'm sorry if the reply wasn't useful. Please feel free to ask anymore questions.
6063952 Tbh, it's a lot more useful than A LOT of wailing I get from people instead of a reply.
Can say that reply was a tad bit lame though, as it just goes cardboard cutout (no offense meant), similar to how many see "male = dominant" and "female = submissive", and by that, always makes one character male, be it bionically or through the "guy with tits" archetype. While the nature of evil can be discussed, I can partially get what you are getting at. Though, that said, if you exclusively use that as a crutch, and they are a guy with tits in that regard, they might as well have been a simple R63. As atm, it does sound like your basing him solely around their penis, making them male identity wise. Which is kind of a "paint character x atop character y". So rather skeptical to that. If you'd want, I could give you some tips and whatnot in how to make a more working futa villain. (assuming they now are 100 % penis)
I won't deny male genitals have a waaay easier time being a dick (pun intended xD) but you can still be an evil douche as a female+with a female genital. It does however yes, often require more plotting/planning. But it's definitely doable. Heck, I've dedicated a few fics to exploring this xD Solely because no-one else has. And I feel like there has to be an alternative available.
As for inexplicable body change... while I can say that is very well, inexplicable, I can say as far as explanations go, it's not terrible. As it doesn't contradict something or implode on itself like many other people's fics do xP Sure it's inexplicable, but that's it :P
So yeah, thanks for the reply :3 And do feel free to ask me stuff in return. Hope my responses came off mostly respectful. As if not, I can only say that I at least had no intent to come off as disrespectful.
6064027 That was very interesting to read. I have to say it was never my intension to make the female characters submissive to any male or fake male characters. I'm sorry, in the end of the day I was just trying to imagine what would have happened if Chrysalis had won and didn't consider that was how my story would be viewed. I'm deeply sorry if this caused you any offense and I hope in future I won't make the same mistake. As a writer I'm always trying to improve and feedback like yours reminds me to be careful of who's toes I may step on. I swear that despite my oversight, I was just trying to tell a good will always triumph over evil story and it was careless of me not to vary the content. Again your comments will make a great reference guide in future chapters of any work I do. Have a pleasant Night or whatever time it is where you are.
6064090 It's fine. As said: At least you take it well, instead of flipping out like most do xD I know I'm far from the best oratory wise, but some people's reaction do make me derp.
And nah, no offense taken. It seems to be a common thing to not put too much thought into something. Be it intentional or not. I mainly just wanted to inform you about it. As like said: It seems to slip most people's mind.
But yeah, nice to hear my stuff had a positive impact on you. I've noticed it's apparently really rare with certain things in certain areas. Like said, a lot of people can only think "penis = evil+dominant", making any female char utterly cardboard as they send henchmen to do the evil stuff/rape, or like in this case: turn male :P But yeah, for the future, it can be good to keep in mind to have more fleshed out, and less generic characters :3 Atop thinking outside the gender role+trope box.
Hm. Well, I like the plot. In my opinion, there's never enough "Chrysalis takes over by force and rapes everypony" stories.
But the writing itself is very, very rough. Your sentence structure is very run-on, with not many pauses and lots of jumping around very suddenly. It's repetitive as well, notably when Chrysalis inspects the prisoners and you explain the princesses are her prisoners, and then immediately follow that up with, "She entered the princesses' cell." Or something to that effect. (Apologies, I'm on mobile.) The jumping around gets particularly bad when you try and combine it with character development—you were so quick to jump into Chrysalis' head and explain how she wanted to impregante every one of her friends before Twilight herself, that you completely skipped any mention of her orgasm entirely, whether it she pulled out and spray them both, or finished inside Rarity.
Then, you jump straight to Ponyville, and introduce the B-plot; Applejack's escaped (How she did so is never explained, when this would have made a good chapter. Did the rest of the Mane six beg her not to, to let them free as well, help her escape? How did she do so? Did she brute-force her way out, did she seduce the guards all the way from the dungeons to Ponyville? Did she just run like a bat out of hell?) And she's gone to warn Ponyville, which starts preparing to repel the attack force. This introduces it's own slew of problems, most prominent of which being: is this story meant to be fetish fuel, or a "what-if" story about Chrysalis winning? (If it's the former, you could do well to include more sex—I guarantee that's what 95% of your readers came to see.)
But again, we come back to the characterization. When AJ gets to Ponyville, you start tossing out names and ranks like candy, and there's a single moment of half-assed characterization on the part of the Commander's son: he's disappointed when he's told, "Nothing too big." You could've done a little more work there, and expanded on him more than that and his name, but that's all we get. Right behind him is Big Macintosh, who's simply too chatty. Your characterization's even a problem in the beginning, where we briefly see Shining Armor, now fully under Chrysalis' control, which means... He just acts like another drone. There's no mention of his even trying to fight the mind control, nor the blank stare we've seen in canon—it's as if Chrysalis wiped his mind and put a Drone in there instead.
But... With all that being said, I wouldn't call this a bad story, per se. It is, however, badly written, and even then, I'd call this salvagable. It would just a little work, a quick bit of reading on pacing, and a pre-reader or two (try not to get one that's overwhelmingly positive, that can be worse than one who's overwhelmingly negative) and I think this could be heaps better.
6069004 Thank you for your feedback. I know I rushed it and my sentence structure is horrible but if I may defend one decision I made. Applejack's escape, I didn't feel it was necessary to explain how Applejack got away, this is not because I was being lazy or I couldn't think of a way to explain her escape but because I chose to let the reader imagine how. In later chapters I did leave a few clues about how she escaped but it wasn't the main focus. My main focus was to set up how Applejack and Ponyville fight back against the horde of evil. Anyway to answer another of your questions, this story is a what if story with clop elements, this all streamed from a horrible nightmare I had, it's where I get most of my ideas, anyway the clop elements were a large part of the nightmare but I did something I did to the first fanfiction I ever wrote, I changed the ending but consider that a blessing, in the nightmare the ending was terrifying and all but Twilight were killed, Twilight's fate was the only thing I didn't change. As a former Power Ranger fan, I love to see good triumph over evil, so I believe even if Chrysalis had won during the events of a Chanterlot wedding, she would have still lost eventually and also lets be honest, even if Chrysalis won, she is as thick as mince and no matter how good her position would be she'd still lose. So no the story has plenty of kinky shit in it but the story was always meant to have Chrysalis lose. Again thank you for your feedback, I look forward to hearing more helpful comments in future and even if I don't I will use your comment as a reference to assist in other work I undertake.
SOLDIER, your missing an I in every instance you use the word
6164351 Thank you. I'm sorry I'm terrible at spelling, I'll get right on that. I hope this didn't cause you too much grief and thanks again. Please let me know if you spot anymore spelling errors because that would be a big help.
Wait, so did Chrysalis do it?
6240050 Did what? Your question isn't very clear.
I'm surprised that in that position, Twilight hasn't already given up. I mean, it's because her friends ignored her that they're all there in the first place isn't it?
Knowing Applejack, she probably wouldn't have done it, even if Twilight was saying it. Should've obeyed, the request was only for her to order it.
6240079 Fair enough but my favorite of the main 6 is Applejack. So I wanted to give her character the chance to save the day.
You'd think that with all her power, Chrysalis could've just yanked them apart.
6240090 My answer Chrysalis stood and watched Cadence and Shining Armour do their save the day thing. Here's a spoiler Chrysalis is an idiot.