This is another clop fic. It tells of what happens if Chrysalis had defeated the ponies of Equestria after a Canterlot Wedding, what depravity occurs when love and friendship lose to Lust and cruelty. Twilight's last hope will lie with honesty.
5712285 Well you'lll have to wait and see. This story is based off a nightmare I had, more importantly the possible ending but I like to write according to what people want to see. The ending of this story will be decided in part by comments and feedback. Thank you have a nice day.
Fairly good, didn't notice any huge grammar or spelling errors, looking forward to the next chapter. Only thing to add I guess is don't be discouraged by the rating, odds are 90% of those just looked at the tags and description and hit downvote.
5716618 A bit late for me to read it now, but faved. Yeah, there seems to be a brigade of people who go around downvoting anything with a plot like this.
Hm. Well, I like the plot. In my opinion, there's never enough "Chrysalis takes over by force and rapes everypony" stories.
But the writing itself is very, very rough. Your sentence structure is very run-on, with not many pauses and lots of jumping around very suddenly. It's repetitive as well, notably when Chrysalis inspects the prisoners and you explain the princesses are her prisoners, and then immediately follow that up with, "She entered the princesses' cell." Or something to that effect. (Apologies, I'm on mobile.) The jumping around gets particularly bad when you try and combine it with character development—you were so quick to jump into Chrysalis' head and explain how she wanted to impregante every one of her friends before Twilight herself, that you completely skipped any mention of her orgasm entirely, whether it she pulled out and spray them both, or finished inside Rarity.
Then, you jump straight to Ponyville, and introduce the B-plot; Applejack's escaped (How she did so is never explained, when this would have made a good chapter. Did the rest of the Mane six beg her not to, to let them free as well, help her escape? How did she do so? Did she brute-force her way out, did she seduce the guards all the way from the dungeons to Ponyville? Did she just run like a bat out of hell?) And she's gone to warn Ponyville, which starts preparing to repel the attack force. This introduces it's own slew of problems, most prominent of which being: is this story meant to be fetish fuel, or a "what-if" story about Chrysalis winning? (If it's the former, you could do well to include more sex—I guarantee that's what 95% of your readers came to see.)
But again, we come back to the characterization. When AJ gets to Ponyville, you start tossing out names and ranks like candy, and there's a single moment of half-assed characterization on the part of the Commander's son: he's disappointed when he's told, "Nothing too big." You could've done a little more work there, and expanded on him more than that and his name, but that's all we get. Right behind him is Big Macintosh, who's simply too chatty. Your characterization's even a problem in the beginning, where we briefly see Shining Armor, now fully under Chrysalis' control, which means... He just acts like another drone. There's no mention of his even trying to fight the mind control, nor the blank stare we've seen in canon—it's as if Chrysalis wiped his mind and put a Drone in there instead.
But... With all that being said, I wouldn't call this a bad story, per se. It is, however, badly written, and even then, I'd call this salvagable. It would just a little work, a quick bit of reading on pacing, and a pre-reader or two (try not to get one that's overwhelmingly positive, that can be worse than one who's overwhelmingly negative) and I think this could be heaps better.
I'm surprised that in that position, Twilight hasn't already given up. I mean, it's because her friends ignored her that they're all there in the first place isn't it?
heres hoping the bitch gets taken down
5712285 Well you'lll have to wait and see. This story is based off a nightmare I had, more importantly the possible ending but I like to write according to what people want to see. The ending of this story will be decided in part by comments and feedback. Thank you have a nice day.
Fairly good, didn't notice any huge grammar or spelling errors, looking forward to the next chapter. Only thing to add I guess is don't be discouraged by the rating, odds are 90% of those just looked at the tags and description and hit downvote.
5712568 Thank you for the kind feedback.
so far this is very good. hope to see more soon.
5716602 Thank you for the kind feedback.
5716618 not at all don't let the down votes get you down. i really did like this story and hope you don't cancel this story.
5716618
A bit late for me to read it now, but faved. Yeah, there seems to be a brigade of people who go around downvoting anything with a plot like this.
Hm. Well, I like the plot. In my opinion, there's never enough "Chrysalis takes over by force and rapes everypony" stories.
But the writing itself is very, very rough. Your sentence structure is very run-on, with not many pauses and lots of jumping around very suddenly. It's repetitive as well, notably when Chrysalis inspects the prisoners and you explain the princesses are her prisoners, and then immediately follow that up with, "She entered the princesses' cell." Or something to that effect. (Apologies, I'm on mobile.) The jumping around gets particularly bad when you try and combine it with character development—you were so quick to jump into Chrysalis' head and explain how she wanted to impregante every one of her friends before Twilight herself, that you completely skipped any mention of her orgasm entirely, whether it she pulled out and spray them both, or finished inside Rarity.
Then, you jump straight to Ponyville, and introduce the B-plot; Applejack's escaped (How she did so is never explained, when this would have made a good chapter. Did the rest of the Mane six beg her not to, to let them free as well, help her escape? How did she do so? Did she brute-force her way out, did she seduce the guards all the way from the dungeons to Ponyville? Did she just run like a bat out of hell?) And she's gone to warn Ponyville, which starts preparing to repel the attack force. This introduces it's own slew of problems, most prominent of which being: is this story meant to be fetish fuel, or a "what-if" story about Chrysalis winning? (If it's the former, you could do well to include more sex—I guarantee that's what 95% of your readers came to see.)
But again, we come back to the characterization. When AJ gets to Ponyville, you start tossing out names and ranks like candy, and there's a single moment of half-assed characterization on the part of the Commander's son: he's disappointed when he's told, "Nothing too big." You could've done a little more work there, and expanded on him more than that and his name, but that's all we get. Right behind him is Big Macintosh, who's simply too chatty. Your characterization's even a problem in the beginning, where we briefly see Shining Armor, now fully under Chrysalis' control, which means... He just acts like another drone. There's no mention of his even trying to fight the mind control, nor the blank stare we've seen in canon—it's as if Chrysalis wiped his mind and put a Drone in there instead.
But... With all that being said, I wouldn't call this a bad story, per se. It is, however, badly written, and even then, I'd call this salvagable. It would just a little work, a quick bit of reading on pacing, and a pre-reader or two (try not to get one that's overwhelmingly positive, that can be worse than one who's overwhelmingly negative) and I think this could be heaps better.
I'm surprised that in that position, Twilight hasn't already given up. I mean, it's because her friends ignored her that they're all there in the first place isn't it?
Month
Other than that love how it's starting out