just kind of here, i guess.
Colorful, Sugar, Firework, Harmony, Cider, and Diamond are enemies. Always have been, always will be. But one day after school, Colorful receives a haunting note saying that her and her enemies' family have been kidnapped by Queen Chrysalis' daughter!
Will the fillies be able to work together to get their parents? Or will they continue to fight forever?
Thank you to my wonderful cover artist, Aeluna, for making the cover art!
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5691236
What's confusing about the story?
5691245 poor Spike ,Is he left out ??
5691255
I really didn't think Spike would be a major character in the story. If you mean what's happening to him while this is going on... I really didn't think about that. If you mean why there isn't Applejack x Spike or Rarity x Spike, that's because I don't ship those. If you mean why Spike isn't with Twilight and her family, that's because I think that after Spike grew old enough to take care of himself, Twilight let him try that out, and he did well.
5691288 Okey dokey
Intresting so far. Letts see were dis caios gosse
Its okej the Chapters for intruduktion are short but. Just a tip wen its comse to de main part off the story tacke time and do they a Bitt longer XD and have i like sir/Lady
5692354
I'm a girl, and thanks.
5701688 np and im accsuly working on my own story and i can garante that it may giv you some ides pherheps, and the hardes fing in a story is coming upp whit names.
And haw a nice day miss or ma am whits you whatever prefer XD
5707911
??????? Say that more clearly, please.
5708584 lol some times i miss klick hurrobly when im spelling sorry for that what i mean was dont stress you shelth take time and maek it just good and they under stand if it takes time.
and sorry agein for that miss spelling
x100 times when i saw the rong spelling
That had some fire works !
I have kidnapped your parents and your enemies’ parents (including Cider’s aunts, uncle, and cousin). If you ever want to see your parents again, you must work together with Sugar, Diamond, Firework, Cider, and Harmony.
Good luckHave bad luck!oooohh the irony
5712046 May I just say FORESHADOWING
5712934
You're making no sense to me.
5713251
You made this too fast and straight forward, the way you described this chapter was 'they came, insulted each other, beat up a bunch of changelings, then left'
Basically, you are missing a LOT of detail, with several plot holes as well. They hate each other, don't they? So, that would mean that the only reason they work together is because their parents are in danger, therefore it would be too easy to have them be tangled up in their own hatred and spite and mess up. This is a good idea for a story, it's just really short and has a couple of plot holes and questions in it. No offense.
From what it seems (and from what I understand) you're focusing on either that they hate each other or that changelings are the antagonist, not much of both.
Now keep in mind that I am not a professional reviewer and I most likely overlooked and/or misunderstood some things, but like I said, this is a good idea, it's just lacking in details, I can help you if you want.
5713377
Oh, okay! Thanks for the advice! I'll try to fill in some plot holes in the next chapter!
People, if you put thumbs down, tell me why so I can fix it.
“What shall we do?” for some reason i start thinking about drunken sailor huh
Imma Girl Scout.
This story has potential, but you need to put more into it.
Firstly, the first six chapters are basically each the same thing. It would be nice to see a bit more of them at home, interacting with their parents and others, to learn what makes each of these characters unique and different. Don't make Dash's daughter a clone of Rainbow Dash, Twilight's daughter a clone of Twilight Sparkle, etc. While they certainly will have each inherited some of their mothers' characteristics, they'll also take after their fathers in some ways. Plus they'll have their own little unique strengths and weaknesses which may turn out to help or hinder them in later chapters.
You could have given them some more interesting backstories too. They all just seem to live with their parents, in little identical nuclear family units. How about mixing things up a bit? Maybe Rarity and Fancy Pants had a relationship, and although they loved each other, she could never bring herself to leave Ponyville, and he would never leave Canterlot, so they eventually broke up, but remain on good terms. Their daughter only sees Fancy Pants during school holidays. Maybe Harmony isn't Fluttershy's biological daughter, but is really her niece that she took in after Harmony's parents died?
You didn't really delve much into why the six girls are all enemies. Their parents are such good friends, that they would have grown up together, and that alone is usually pretty good cement for a good friendship to have developed between the daughters. Perhaps something happened that tore their friendship apart a few years ago? And maybe they're not all enemies. Maybe two of them are still good friends? And maybe two others, while not friends, have enough respect for each other that they're prepared to unite against the others. Even-matched six-sided battles are less interesting than three-against-one-while-the-other-two-sit-on-the-side.
Cocoon doesn't really seem to have much of a motive, and doesn't have much of a character. Maybe it's just me, but I really think she should be a delicious, evil, sexy, changeling princess.
derpicdn.net/img/2015/4/14/873859/medium.jpeg
And lastly, the spell at the end is too deus ex machina. It just seems like an idea you've come up with to quickly resolve the story. You could have had a lot more conflict and adventure, but you cut out early.
Despite all that, I am upvoting the story, because I like the overall idea.
6667104
Why is that so?