The Festival of First Flight

jwizard #1 · Feb 21st, 2015 · 1 · ·

The only problem I had was those points where there was bad grammar. Bad grammar makes a story hard to read. Outside of that, it was good.

Cerulean Fantasy

Cerulean Fantasy #2 · Feb 21st, 2015 · · ·

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I noticed a few misplaced words that looked like either typos or auto-corrections. Would do a full edit for you, but that wouldn't work so well on this iPod Touch 4.

Anyway, you earned a fav

shy_antwon

shy_antwon #3 · Feb 21st, 2015 · 1 · ·

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I thought it was a neat story. It was a bit unfortunate that Twilight was 'too curious' and did in fact research the festival because I would have loved to see your original story unfold (except for tipsy Twilight, not a fan of ponies getting drunk). However, I'm happy with the end result, and found it very adorable.

Also, Twilight earning second place in the 5000 meter race? Very proud of her

Radical Gopher

Radical Gopher #4 · Feb 22nd, 2015 · · ·

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Interesting story, but a bit predictable, especially on the whole glass bead who knew what irony shtick. You may have dragged out the confrontation between Rainbow and her coach too long, telegraphing your plot intent. I did find the buddy-flying sonic rain boom element enjoyable.

Kodeake

Kodeake #5 · Feb 22nd, 2015 · 1 · ·

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5655621
That's the trap of romance. On the one hand, I give no explanation of anything before the ending, and it all comes out of nowhere and the romance doesn't make sense. On the other, I do what I did here and try not to make anything too much of a surprise, and I get people saying it was too obvious. I tried to shoot for a middle ground; the necklace wasn't supposed to be a secret at all, but Twilight knowing about it was supposed to be only hinted at over the story. As I said in the A/N, a lot of scenes are missing from this. Had I been able to include them, I wouldn't have had to tell so much through that single conversation, Id have been able to show a lot more through Rainbow's actions over the course of the day.

Radical Gopher

Radical Gopher #6 · Feb 22nd, 2015 · · ·

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5655652
Understood... My comments are less a reflection of your writing, and more a comment of what I like in a story; twists, surprises, maguffins and a whole lot of O. Henry-esque fables.

Limelight02

Limelight02 #7 · Feb 22nd, 2015 · · ·

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Great story!

BronyPonyMan

BronyPonyMan #8 · Feb 22nd, 2015 · · ·

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maybe in the future you can come back and add in everything you wanted to originally?

Poet Knight

Poet Knight #9 · Feb 22nd, 2015 · · ·

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Nicely done, and I didn't notice any real choppiness to it. Did like the dance scene, and sky-dancing is something I agree with!
While I'm more of a Twiset or Twixie fan myself, this Twidash wasn't so bad.

SIGAWESOME

SIGAWESOME #10 · Feb 23rd, 2015 · · ·

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That certainly was an enjoyable read. I really liked the little glimpses into Pegasi culture you provided. The whole town fair festival brings back happy memories of going to the town summer fair with my family...

Cryosite

Cryosite #11 · Mar 5th, 2015 · 5 · ·

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Review (2nd Place)

So the point of the contest is to invent a holiday, and and work it into some sort of TwiDash story. For this story, the holiday that was invented is a celebration of the actual creation of the pegasus tribe as winged ponies. While all three tribes have variations on this supposed event, it apparently is agreed by all to have been made up, and whatever actual origins pegasi have remain a mystery. But, the myth that is being celebrated paints the unicorns as villains, which seems like a rather messed up choice of holiday for Rainbow Dash to try to ask Twilight, who is originally and culturally a unicorn, out on.

My objections to it's suitability as a vehicle to ask a unicorn-turned-alicorn out on aside, the holiday itself is at least rather original. Whatever their actual origins, I could see pegasi especially celebrating them, since tribe-pride seems to be a recurring theme in the show from Rainbow's depiction of Commander Hurricane in the Hearth's Warming pageant, to Rainbow's often self-presentation as "the best pegasus" in various forms in various episodes, and even Scootaloo's concern about representing pegasi properly in Flight to the Finish. So it is very believable.

The holiday also plays a rather central role to the storyline. In addition to being a backdrop or setting through which the pair fly about and enjoy somewhat generic carnival-atmosphere while talking and hanging out together, it serves as ready fodder for Rainbow Dash to involve Twilight in a lot of little activities, such as a race, dancing, meal together, and gift-giving opportunity. So while the tone feels a little generic, there is some subtle creativity to it that shines in the little details like cloud candy-coated berries, and the inclusion of lots of flight-based events to sign up for like racing and obstacle courses. Change a few details and it would feel like any old carnival here on Earth, but those details end up being things you can't simply throw away.

On to the story itself in a more generic sense.

Kodeake provided some insight into his plans in an author's note, where he had to cut out a lot of things, and change some stuff to make the deadline. Despite what he apparently had to cut, the story didn't really feel rushed. The progression of events had a good feel of spending the day together, and would have been a rather enjoyable date as-is. There was some believable conflict arising from Dash's behavior and ulterior motives with the date. "Rainbow Dash rushes headlong through a bad idea" is comfortable ground for depicting Rainbow Dash, and manages to not feel worn-out in this story.

Twilight Sparkle feels weird in this story, however. When Dash is trying to explain the origin-myth to her, she keeps interrupting. I found myself growing annoyed with her, but more with the story/author for annoying me than any sense of being able to immerse into the story. Then, later one while Rainbow Dash is dragging her around from place to place without any explanations, she seemed to turn very passive. I would try to chalk this up as being an effect of the story being told primarily from Rainbow's perspective, but we're given a lot of POV-shifts into her perspective without really having a lot of chance to settle into it, nor have much story-reason for doing so. Again, like the author is interrupting our immersion to make Twilight feel more annoying.

In the end, what was intended to be a surprise ends up being twisted in that Twilight did research the holiday beforehand, despite being asked not to by Dash. At several points along the way in the story it seems, in hindsight with that reveal, that Twilight was behaving certain ways that might count as foreshadowing. Unfortunately, those things like her remembering the name of the necklace easily, don't feel like very good foreshadowing even if that is what they were intended to be. There are also several points where we're in Twilight's perspective and we'd be clued in that she knows what is going on, but we're not. The way she behaves, in particular about Rainbow not explaining the purpose of the necklace’s commission, comes across as very awkward feeling.

Probably one of the only times in the story where it feels interesting to be in Twilight's perspective is when she is racing. While interesting, it isn't a compelling enough part to warrant the POV switch, because at that point we're more focused on the interaction between Dash and her discussion with her old coach. The portion where we're in Twi's head while she is dancing is almost interesting, except the entire scene could be told from Dash's perspective without really losing anything at all.

Overall, it would be a much stronger story if kept to Rainbow's perspective through the whole. It would strengthen the reveal's impact, while giving us Twilight's parts through Rainbow's lens could give us more believable limited information leading up to it.

"Rainbow Dash gives Twilight Sparkle one of her feathers as a romantic gesture" is another well-worn bit of story-detail. While it is one that I tend to like, it stands out in this story in a couple of significant ways. Having the feather be processed with magic is by no means new, but consuming it in the process of making a beaded necklace is a new twist on the old idea. Using pegasus magic instead of unicorn or alicorn magic to accomplish the processing is another neat detail, and lastly the naming of the necklace by tying it to Romanian language is also new. So there was some clear effort made to take a not very original idea and put as much originality and life into it as possible. On the down-side though, it is never really explained why this custom is part of this holiday. It stands as something that you could imagine being part of pegasus tradition, sure, but nothing from the origin myth nor the overall description of the holiday makes this custom seem to fit. It fits like something that would be in general pegasus culture, rather than anything special to this holiday. While original-feeling, the Romanian name is a bit jarring, and feels alien to the Equestrian "look and feel" of the show, especially with the somewhat "Greek" tone the show puts on pegasus architecture and history. It makes it feel more original, but more in the sense that no one had done it before because it doens't really feel right. If a lot more had been done to really paint pegasus culture as an analogue to Earth's Romanian culture, it would feel more natural.

The ending/resolution to the conflict feels rather tacked-on. Despite spending time in Twi's POV, her side of the conflict as it progresses is compressed to some dialogue after the reveal. We're told there was some conflict from her side of things, but once we're caught up to it it's already over with and she's made her decision. None of Rainbow's side of the conflict really matters all that much, and none of Twilight's leadup, confusion, or eventual reason for making her decision is presented, and it all just sort of works because the puppet-strings say so.

In terms of overall enjoyability, there were quite a few jarring parts that made it hard to really stay immersed in the story. There were a lot of interesting details that made it at least worth going through to the end, but all in all it simply wasn't very satisfying a read. There was a generally good framework. There were several interesting details tossed on the frame to dress it up. Some parts were fluffy. But it had some pretty serious flaws through and through. I could see it being salvaged with some work though.

Nue