Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving
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Twilight takes her time for an experiment that failed previously due to a disturbance.
This time she prepares, but she didn't expect a certain pegasus to 'visit'
This is what happens when I'm bored^^
Wrote this in around 72 minutes and will probably stay a one-shot.
Take this as a early H&H day special 
One out of five 
Edited by my loyal DonnEStarside
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Well, that was.....fast. It was pretty rushed and entirely made of TwiDash-cliches. It's not a bad story but I read already hundreds of similar TwiDash-Stories and some of them had a better pacing.
I guess it's good enough for a 72h work.
5620933
it wasn't planned and just made out of boredom.
Thanks to a friend, I decided to publish it.
Also 72 minutes, not hours
most defininatly a good short work. Lots of Good feels for it to.
Pretty nice, liked the feels, even if it was rushed (though that's to be expected from such a short writing time).
You might want to go through the speech, you used full stops instead of commas, e.g.
Things like that end with commas, since you gave a description of what was said afterwards.
There's also a stray " on the third from last line, that's all though (that I spotted)
5622309
Thanks
Well I'm not native-english and got some probs with It.
I'll ask my editor to get over it again.
5622845
Don't care about it Scratchy
You write awesome stories with your high-school english
5624198
Well, I try to, but some of my stories like the roommates sequel getting instant minus votes without any comments.
And that only five minutes after the story was up
Anyways, thanks
5622309 Thanks for pointing out the random quotation mark. I occasionally miss little things like that, though I'm working on it. Where is it that you're saying a comma should be? I can't figure it out from how you worded your sentence. "Things like that" isn't very descriptive.
5624198
5624204
Scratch does exceptionally well for someone who isn't a native English speaker. I've seen many who are native speakers that neither write nor speak English as well as she writes. As I edit her stories, I also see her improving with each one. Soon enough she'll be so good at it that all I'll be there for is to go "Yep, it's good." Don't let other people's opinions of your skill get you down my friend, because I'd bet money that you're better at what you do than most if not all of them. =)
5624246 Sorry, with speech in writing like the example I used, when the speaking finishes and the quotation marks end you need to use a comma when you go on to describe the speech. Here's what I'm on about:
instead of
That isn't an example from the story but it was just a quick example. Does that clear up the uncertainty?
5624283
If it comes to that point, you might as well quit your editing career. Because there will always be something. Whether that is the story flow, grammar or syntax, awkward phrasing, strange formatting and a ton of other things that I can't name from the top of the head. And just from a quick skim, this suffers from everything listed.
For instance:
Characterization errors: Twilight acts as she was in Lesson Zero all over again, because... Well... Pinkie is a pest, apparently, and we all know what Twilight will do not to interfere with her experiments: Politely ask her to do so. It's not like locking the doors to prevent interference from a pony who can easily break the fourth wall ever helped.
Mechanical errors:
Missing a direct-address comma before Twilight and a comma instead of a period at the end of the quote, since the action is occurring during the time the dialog is spoken.
Awkward phrases:
Was she talking to herself or not?
"Orange" in this context is not a name. It's a fruit. Also, missing a direct-address comma before Twilight again.
I... am not really sure what this means...
"Who" isn't the noise that owls make. It's "hoo". Aside of that, Owlicious has a few variants of his name, namely Owlowiscious and Owloysius. Using 'Owlicious' is also acceptable, but former two variants are preferred. Although, none of those is acceptable full-lowercase, since it's a name.
Creepy Dash is creepy.
Don't get me wrong: This story is formidable for being done from soup to nuts in 72 minutes, but, unfortunately, it only consists of overused cliches. Insta-crushes, out-of-character behavior and pacing issues.
It's not bad, mind you. But I can't say it's good either. I'll just say it's nice (if I ignore the Dash having a picture of Twi on her nightstand) and move along.
~Twi
5644168 I was exaggerating to make a point. Thank you for pointing out the errors, I appreciate it. Scratch is the first person I've really edited for, and it's been so long since I really used anything from English class in high school that I've forgotten several things. Though for a couple of things you pointed out, I must have been tired or something because I know better. As for the characterization, I don't change things like that. That's up to Scratch. I'm also of the belief that in a fan fiction, they can be as in character or out of character as the author wants, so long as it fits the story.
5646688
That's the entire point of fanfiction. Readers are expected for a character to behave in character, unless there's a good reason why they behave differently. A reasonable action for a character misbehavior would be that the story is put into the clutches of Alternative Universe, but that's a beast that can also give experienced writers grief.
But here is the problem: Dash's behavior doesn't fit neither Dash, nor the story. It's nothing else but a cheap cop-out, something that shoves the story into quick ending.
Dash is creepy and Twi is okay with that. They live happily ever after. This is one of the cheapest Deus Ex Machinas possible that leads to nil-ending, leaving the reader confused over what happened, telling them it's okay to be creepy to get the girl.
That's just not how it works...
~Twi
5664681
I'm writing my stories how I want, sorry
I appreciate any help, but my mind how to write will stay like it is.
If you disagree please just don't read further
And with that this topics ends, thanks
5665597
I am really sorry you think that way.
~Twi
5665630
And I am sorry that you are one of the ponies who think that a ponysona is stuck.
Everypony got a wide range of ponysonas!
Take RD at the Gala, the Academy and likewise; you'll see what I mean.
A ponies ponysona can change and evolve! I believe in it, so I won't change my writing.
Have a nice day
5665664
Indeed so.
But none of those even hinted that Dash has any indication of a creepy persona. It's a quite big of a stretch to be unhappy with the outcome to gala or studying hard to become something that they always desired to something as creepy as to keep a photo of your friend on your nightstand. Without their knowledge.
That's a HUGE leap in personality, and it doesn't make sense, regardless how much you try to defend it.
~Twi
5665690
Look, you keep stuck at that what you SEE and then you intend to know!
There is more in live! Just because I see somepony acting like (example),
doesn't mean that the same pony can't act like (different example)
Love does many things to ponies, a various range of emotions.
And what is creepy about to contain a photo of the pony you love?
Besides, Twilight can accept it because love, feelings, predictions, being just pony!!
Try to expand your range of understanding. If you can't please don't try to ague with me, because I spent many months to get a clue about ponysonas, existence and other relation to the physically and psychological state.
5665705
Don't know how to tell you this, but... I've been doing that for years.
Along with editing for others and talking to others that edited for me, many of whom explored the characters much deeper than me.
Please don't try to go down the "I'm better than you because I did <x>" and assume that the person on the other side of the conversation has no clue what they're talking about.
That never worked.
~Twi
5665748
I never did in any way, sorry if you read such things out.
Also there are different ways to do such, while I'm not saying either method is wrong.
I pretty much get that you have a clue, but you simply don't know what's going on in my mind (Thank Luna for that!)
I'm staying at my point and I know enough ponies thinking my way.
Thank you
The romance is so incredibly sudden that it's hard to consider romantic.
There are a lot of ways to establish love in a short story--you could have an existing crush grow, have them finally realize that yeah, their behavior was like somepony in love... here, Twilight spontaneously develops an attraction to Rainbow Dash without any sort of initiating action (other than crashing into the castle), instantly starts getting sweet dreams about her, and decides that she is in love with Rainbow Dash in a grand total of maybe 12 hours.
Slow down.
5703192
It's a 72 Minute work.
There is no need to slow down here
I just found and read this story today and I also saw your recent blog post:
Now, I am going to downvote this story and, per your request, I am going to tell you why.
As dragonjek pointed out 5703192 the development of Twilight's attraction to Dash in this story is extremely rushed. Just because you wrote a story quickly doesn't mean the time frame within the story can only be a few hours long. You don't have to show every step of the process in a story this short, but you can still allow some time to have passed between the initial discovery of romantic feelings and their ultimate confession.
Now, given your flippant dismissal of dragonjek's criticism, I can't help but feel telling you this was a waste of both my time writing it and yours reading it. After glancing through the comments sections of some of your other stories, it seems like any time someone dislikes something about your story you either brush it off or berate them. In some cases, this is understandable since the person complaining was being rude, but in others (such as dragonjek's) the person was being completely civil and trying to offer purely constructive feedback.
If you genuinely want to know why people are downvoting your stories, then maybe you shouldn't spend so much time telling them that their explanations have no value.
If you don't like what I have to say, that's perfectly fine. Just remember- you're the one who asked to hear it.
5938026
Thank you for the input but this story is really old.
As you can see on my other work, my writing style changed, also my writing interests at all.
I know that this story is bad, but I'm glad that the content is past and can be ignored.
an eagle.
As rushed as this was, I liked it anyway. I see you've gotten a lot about that so me adding wouldn't be much help.
I wanted to say something, but as I can see, they are already said, even things about 72 minutes, so...
Just good luck in further writtings