Cinnamon
A Tale of Two Cutie Marks
By OnlyANorthernSong
Chapter One: Cinnamon.
The warm inviting steam rose in ghostly curlicues as the nourishing tan liquid swirled out of the sterling silver teapot and into the cups, swishing around the enamel covered insides. With her practiced magic, Twilight Velvet filled all the cups to their respective levels without spilling a drop, then meticulously set the teapot at the center of the tray, arranged doilies around it, and placed one cup in the middle of each doily. She took out a cinnamon stick, and using the flat part of a telekinetically manipulated table knife, crushed the stick into dust. She then poured the powder into each cup, differing amounts, carefully matched to each family members taste. Cinnamon was the perfect addition to tea on a cold winter morning. Warm and invigorating, full of possibilities and awakenings.
“They're here” Night Light said.
Twilight Velvet moved over towards the large windows that dominated the front of the house. Joining her husband, she expectantly peered out. The announced storm had not only begun, but was now visibly worsening by the moment. Large wet snowflakes of the type that are sticky and prone to quickly clumping together were streaming from the skies. The flurries were thick and heavy, and Twilight Velvet and Night Light could barely make out the hulking form of the carriage, or the lumpy but quick forms of the wool-coated attendants scurrying around the coach, despite the fact that it was parked on the street directly in front of the house, less than fifteen ponylengths from the front door.
The Coach was not one of the ornate Royal Carriages that traveled long distances cross country pulled by teams of elite pegasi guards. Instead, it was one of the elegantly subdued, almost minimalist, matte black coaches used to ferry ministers and high ranking parliament members around Canterlot. Two of the Coachmen - Royal Guards assigned to the Royal Protective Service - the branch of the guard that provided security for high ranking bureaucrats and nobles—detached themselves from their harnesses before promptly standing at attention at each side of the coach door that directly faced the house.
The coach door opened and the first figure out was a stocky mass covered in a thick woolen traveling cloak. A shake from his head was enough to dislodge the hood revealing the blue mane, white coat, and chiseled facial features of Shining Armor.
The second cloaked form to descend was considerably smaller. Her hood stayed on, but she was clearly female from her proportions and movements, and much too small to be Cadence. She was nervous, the nervousness made apparent by the way she shifted her weight from hoof to hoof to hoof, bouncing on the balls of her hooves even when standing still.
One of the guard attendants presently produced an umbrella, and both Shining Armor and the unknown cloaked mare rushed forward to assist the last pony out of the coach. Yet oddly, while the attention of Shining Armor was on his bundled wife, the unknown mare walked in front of the Royal Couple, paying attention to something next to her. Night Light, using the keen eyesight that had served him so well as an astronomer, noticed that snow still fell on Cadence's cloak. He looked at the guard carrying the opened umbrella, and noticed that he was walking slightly ahead of Cadence with the umbrella angled forward. It was then that he noticed (and quickly pointed out to Twilight Velvet) what it was that the cloaked mare was paying attention to, why she was out ahead of the Royal Couple, and what, precisely, the guard was protecting with the umbrella.
For floating out in front of Cadence, held aloft by her magic, was a covered rectangular object, like a tiny bed.
As the procession moved closer, Night Light and Twilight Velvet moved towards the door. Twilight Velvet opened it with her magic. Shining was the first through the door. He looked at his parents affectionately. “Happy Hearth's Warming,” he said.
“Oh Shining, it is so good to see you,” Twilight Velvet chirped as she rushed forward to embrace her son. Shining warmly returned the embrace, then, hooves still around her, gently pushed her aside so as to provide ample passage into the home for the rest of his traveling companions.
The next to enter was the unknown mare who, motivated by the pervasive warmth from the well stoked fireplace, dropped her hood to reveal she was a crystal pony of pink and blue coloration. The Crystal mare quickly turned around, her eyes settling on the Guard holding the umbrella and beneath the umbrella, the rectangular bed well cloaked and swaddled to protect against the cold.
The bed, held aloft in Cadence's magic, crossed the room before settling on a low, long table. The Crystal pony trotted over quickly to attend to the bed and its contents as Cadence finally entered.
“Cadence, dear, how are you?” said Twilight Velvet as she gingerly hugged Cadence with a light, but warm touch.
Night Light looked up at his daughter-in-law. “How are you feeling?” he asked.
“Fine, fine, a little tired but overall quite well. Thank you. How are you?”
“Relieved to see you all safely here in your home.”
The Guards took these embraces as their cue to leave, closing the doors behind them. The Crystal mare approached first Shining Armor and then Cadence, both of whom, in turn, leaned in closely and paid attention to her murmurings.
Cadence followed the mare, whereas Shining Armor turned to his parents and explained, in lieu of introduction. “Her name,” he said, waving a hoof in the direction of the Crystal mare, “is Tourmaline. Nurse Tourmaline. When regular rail connections were first established between the Crystal Empire and Canterlot, she came to Canterlot in order to update her skill set. Graduated top in her class from the Royal Canterlot Medical Institute's Pediatric Nurse program. She has been so helpful for us in all of this. She’s been a true blessing; we joke that Faust Herself sent her to us.”
Nurse Tourmaline, hearing her name, looked attentively over at Shining Armor and Night Light. Night Light, keen to engage her in conversation, moved towards her, followed by Shining Armor. Their attention, however, was interrupted by a soft gurgling. Cadence emitted cooing, shushing sounds of her own as she tended to the bundle, Nurse Tourmaline rushing to her side. Shining Armor, Night Light, and Twilight Velvet approached cautiously.
Cadence's magic began gently removing layers of cloth, slowly unswaddling the bundle. A smile blossomed across Cadence's face.
Out from the middle of the bundle emerged a small snout covered in bluish tinged fur.
It was in the form of that curious little muzzle that Night Light and Twilight Velvet first laid eyes on their grandson.
One floor above (and three minutes backwards in time), two young mares stood in front of windows looking out at the street below and the carriage contained therein, watching the carriage's door open and the peculiar procession begin to assemble.
The older of the two, a purple unicorn of considerable power, studied the scene while simultaneously keeping an eye on her daughter, who stood next to her.
The daughter was a jet black filly of elementary school age. Her wings flitted open and closed arhythmically, revealing her nervous state. But her dragon irised eyes were wide open and fixed on the ponies outside, even as half her right eye was hidden behind the strands of purple mane that presently spilled over her horn. Apart from her blue kite shield cutie mark (with a metallic etching vaguely resembling a waning crescent moon), the filly looked just like an elementary school aged version of Nightmare Moon, which was appropriate, since “an elementary school aged version of Nightmare Moon” is precisely what she was.
“Things will be alright, Nyx, I promise you,” Twilight Sparkle spoke to her daughter. “Shining and you made amends long ago. I mean, look, you loved that book on defensive magic he sent you so much that I had to take it away from you - temporarily of course - so you could get some sleep on no less than eight occasions. And you wrote him that lovely thank you note, which he was so happy to receive that he wrote you back, and then you wrote him back and then he mailed you his personal annotated set of the five volume Encyclopedia of Shield Magic”. Twilight felt the conversation begin to escape her control and moved to wrap up. “So I think it is fair to say that you and Shining have a good rapport nowadays.”
“Yes, Twilight.” It was a sign of how high Nyx's anxiety was that she had reverted to calling her “ Twilight”, instead of “Mom” or “Mother”.
“Think of how lucky you are, Nyx! When I was your age, I had no academic correspondents, well apart from Celestia, but she was almost family so she did not really count.”
“By that logic, Twilight,” Nyx Interrupted, “Shining Armor definitely does not count either since he actually is family.”
Twilight chuckled nervously.
“I haven't seen him in a year,” Nyx continued, “and now here he is with Cadence and the new foal.”
“Cadence?! Come on, Nyx, you don't have to worry about Cadence. I mean, you and Cadence have always gotten along splendidly! Name one time you and Cadence have ever argued, or fought, or merely had a disagreement about anything.”
“You mean apart from the time I overthrew Celestia and Luna, usurped the Equestrian throne, and had her husband brainwashed, which led Cadence to go into hiding deep in the mountains as she began raising a rebel army that she hoped to use against me and my minions in a protracted struggle between good and evil with the very fate of Equestria at stake, a struggle that would probably last many years and might very well force Cadence to face her own brainwashed husband and fight him to the death? You do mean apart from that right?'
- “…”
- “…”
- “…”
- “…”
Twilight blinked, and cleared her throat.
“Well! She never brings that up! So you know… let bygones be bygones be bygones, water under the bridge and all of that HAHAHAHAHA!” Twilight laughed, rather more loudly than she had intended, and sounding considerably more nervous than she had hoped.
Twilight extended her telekinetic magic and grasped a teacup from the nearby table where she had previously set it. It was tea with cinnamon. Invigorating. The tea was just cold enough that it was now possible to drink it quickly, and that is just what happened as Twilight downed it all in one shot.
Neither the fluttering of her wings, nor the fact she was calling her mother “Twilight” consisted of the most telling sign of Nyx's nervous state. Floating next to her, wrapped in the glow of her magic, was a teal headband. Upon the headband lay a complex matrix of glamour and transformation spells, placed there by Twilight and based on those used by the Royal Guard. When the headband was placed on Nyx's head, these spells would activate and transform her appearance from “filly Nightmare Moon” to that of an elegant yet somewhat bland looking white coated purple maned unicorn, who could very easily pass as yet one more example of the spoiled children of the Canterlot “upper class”. It amused and simultaneously terrified Nyx to think that an oblivious Diamond Tiara would probably try to befriend her if she ran into Nyx while Nyx was in this disguised form.
Nyx avoided using disguises whenever possible. She had chosen her identity, out of her own free will and at great cost. Everyday she committed herself to improving it, and to preparing herself so that when she was older and the time came, she could fulfill her identity by living up to the vow she had made. In a way, putting on a disguise was a little lie, and she felt like it took her away from that path.
Plus, it wasn't like there was anyone in Ponyville who did not know who and what precisely Nyx was. Who was she going to fool? Cheerilee? Her friends? The farmers from the surrounding area who came into town for the weekend market? Nyx knew who liked her and who did not, and she would deal with any problems involving such relationships whenever she had to. In many ways, it was liberating.
But even Nyx had to admit that there were times when the disguise was useful. Just this past summer, Twilight had to go on a trip to Manehattan and Fillydelphia. Nyx's grandparents had offered to take her in for the duration, but Twilight had always said that on a time invested basis, one learned more through travel than through any other means. And so, wearing the headband and the unicorn disguise it provided, Nyx rode the rails of Equestria, walked the busy glamorous commercial streets of Manehattan, and trotted over the cobblestones of Fillydelphia's historic district.
There was also a more prosaic, and from Nyx's point of view, rather depressing use of her disguise.
Foals.
The first time that the young Cake twins had seen Nyx's eyes, they had erupted into desperate, terrified wails. Ever since, Nyx had worn her unicorn disguise every time she knew that she would be in the presence of young foals. Nyx knew (for Twilight had explained it to her and Nyx had pored over relevant entries in multiple encyclopedias) that the reason why the foals reacted this way is because in nature, slitted irises like hers were usually found on nocturnal predators, and thus they often caused a deep sense of unease in ponies. It was this that the foals were reacting to on an instinctive subconscious level. Nyx knew this. She knew the foals were not truly rejecting her, and certainly not passing judgement on her. And yet she couldn't help feeling like maybe the foals were, subconsciously, picking up on something else. Maybe these innocent foals, for whom the words “Nightmare Moon” meant nothing, could detect some lingering dark magic or darkness deep inside her.
Of course Nyx had been thoroughly scanned on several occasions by specially trained unicorn mages who were looking for just such a trace of dark magic. Nothing had ever been found. Yet Nyx had heard that dogs sometimes sensed that there was something wrong with their owners long before the doctors were able to find the cancerous tumor. What if the foals, perhaps due to their innocence, were somehow hypersensitive to the presence of evil and could detect the darkness where she herself and the doctors and mages could not—a darkness deep inside waiting to strike? This chain of thought rather distressed Nyx. It had caused her more than one sleepless night.
But beyond that, Nyx did not want to upset any foal, for any reason. This was the true reason for her anxiety; a young foal was in the building. And not just any foal, for this foal was her newborn cousin.
Twilight had heavily discouraged Nyx from using her disguise. If her cousin was used to Nyx's real appearance from the start, then when he discovered that Nightmare Moon looked a lot like his cousin, things could be explained. Much worse of course, would be the alternative—the day his cousin, the white coated unicorn with a purple mane, suddenly transformed into the spitting image of Nightmare Moon. How could Nyx and Twilight ever explain that? How could they ever regain his trust? In what other ways might the revelation of such a cover-up damage his relationships with his family and others? Would the young prince grow up to be paranoid and distrustful? And apart from these questions, there were all the practical considerations surrounding any attempt to keep up a charade for any length of time.
Nyx understood all of these arguments, but she desperately wished she could put it all off for a year or two. If her baby cousin cried because he was scared of her, if that was the very first interaction between them, it would really hurt. Just thinking of the possibility made her feel like crying.
There was a clambering of hooves halfway up the stairs and then a voice. “Twilight! Nyx! They are here!” Velvet half hissed, half shouted, trying to convey urgency while ensuring those downstairs did not hear. Shining and Cadence had been inside for several minutes and what Velvet really meant was “your absence downstairs is becoming uncomfortably noticeable, and soon it will be rude”, but there was no need for Velvet to actually say those words out loud to mares as intelligent as Twilight and Nyx. “Coming right down, Mom!” Twilight called after Velvet's retreating form.
Having made her decision, Nyx put her headband down on the table and picked up her own mug of Cinnamon tea.
“Come on. We have kept them waiting for long enough,” said Twilight, nodding towards the stairs.
“Give me a moment, Mom. Just let me finish this tea.”
Twilight sighed. “Alright, Nyx, but don't stay up here too long.” Twilight then turned and trotted down.
Nyx had once heard Rarity say she “needed a drink” in order to handle a stressful situation. Nyx knew full well that Rarity meant an alcoholic drink, but once as Equestria's dark queen she had tried champagne and deeply disliked it. She was glad that the only drinks available to her here contained no alcohol. Still, though, she definitely did need a drink.
Nyx looked at her mug of cinnamon tea and brought it to her lips. She drank it quickly, in haste even, but she most definitely did not wolf it down in one unseemly gulp. Nyx sipped her tea like a proper mare, without slurping or spilling a drop—just as Rarity had taught her.
Nyx trotted down the stairs. As she reached the landing below, she swiveled her ears, searching for the sound of her family. The sound of conversation crept out from the left where the family room was. Looking in, Nyx saw her mother, grandmother and her Aunt Cadence engaged in rapt but hushed conversation. The door at the end of the family room was open, exposing the formal dining room to view. On the mahogany dining table lay a bundle, and hovering over it was a crystal pony mare Nyx had never seen before. She concluded that her baby cousin was in the bundle and the mare was some kind of nurse.
Nyx lingered in the doorway just long enough to ensure that Twilight noticed her presence, and then backed into the hallway. The other door led into the living room, and two male voices emanated from there. This seemed to be more welcoming territory, free of newborn foals Nyx could accidentally terrify.
Nyx entered the room, her presence stopping the conversation. Her grandfather and her uncle turned towards her. Night Light wore a warm smile, where Shining’s was a passable simulacrum thereof. Nyx could tell it was a somewhat tense smile.
Suddenly Nyx became worried. Sure, Shining had sent her all those books and letters, but they had not seen each other face to face since last Hearth’s Warming Eve. That event, well, the less said about that the better. Could it be that there was still some lingering apprehension?
“Hey, Nyxie,” Shining spoke in a warm vibrato, dispelling Nyx's fear. “Come here and give your tired uncle a hug.”
Nyx immediately trotted over and complied. The sight of the diminutive filly attempting to envelop the rugged muscular war horse with her slender legs and tiny wings was both comical and heartwarming, and it only increased the size of the smile on Night Light's face.
“Good to see you, Nyxie.”
“Same to you, Uncle. I can call you ‘Uncle’?” Despite Twilight's encouragement to do so, Nyx had never called Shining “Uncle” in their letters, though that was more because Nyx wanted to practice using the formalities in letter writing that Rarity was teaching her.
“Yes of course, Nyx! I know I did not do too good of a job earning that title last Hearth's Warming Eve, but I promise I will make it up to you. I have to make a point of living up to my family obligations from now on. After all, I am a father now!”
“Oh, congratulations! ‘Father’ is a rather more important title than ‘uncle’!” Nyx chirped. “So the young prince is here! What is his name?”
“He doesn’t have one yet,” Shining answered.
“Really? How come?”
“You see, Nyxie, pony names are, well, a complicated business, especially when it comes to royalty. There is extra pressure for the name to be meaningful. I was actually hoping that we can get together as a family during this reunion, and work out an appropriate ‘milk name’ for him.”
“A ‘milk’ name?”
“Yes, Nyxie, as opposed to a “mark name”. You see, many ponies when they get their cutie mark and are able to fully understand their special talent, decide to change part or all of their name. This new or altered name is called a ‘mark name’. Of course, some ponies keep their milk name. For example my name ‘Shining Armor’ is mostly a mark name, whereas you seem to have decided to keep your ‘milk’ name ‘Nyx’. Anyway, most parents, knowing a name can affect a pony's life and personality, take into account many factors when deciding on a milk name.”
“Twilight did not think long and hard about my name. She named me after a character in a story book.”
Shining chuckled “Well, Nyx, I gather that yours was not a normal naming. She wanted to give you a name as soon as possible—a name separate from, well the other name. Plus you say that Twilight did not think about it, perhaps not at the time, but I know of somepony else who is in this very room who did.”
“So what are these factors that are used to choose a milk name?”
“Oh, Nyxie dear niece, what kind of a brother would I be if I took away from my sister an opportunity to do what she does best? Why don't you ask your mother to explain it all to you?”
Nyx was about to protest, but right then something clicked within her mind and she stopped herself. For Nyx to stop herself from acquiring new knowledge was profoundly odd, like Pinkie Pie stopping herself from throwing a welcome party for a new arrival to Ponyville. Of course she would ask Twilight, but if Shining presented a brief overview, this would maximize Nyx's comprehension when Twilight gave her the fuller explanation. Nyx had been about to attempt to explain this to Shining when the words “your mother” connected fully in her brain. As far as Nyx could recall, this was the first time she had heard Shining refer to Twilight as Nyx's mother.
Nyx could not find the words to describe how this made her feel, but it was warm and fuzzy and made her feel all filled up, like she had just eaten a bowl of the absolute yummiest celery soup imaginable. It felt very good. She stared up at Shining incredulously for a slight moment, then rushed up to him smiling, and hugged his legs tightly.
Shining looked down at her with surprise. “What is all this for?”
She did not, could not, answer him. Not verbally at least. She looked up at him, still smiling. Shining’s confused expression threatened to turn into another question and derail the moment, so she redirected his train of thought. “Planning on having more princes or princesses soon?”
“NYX!” Shining Armor spluttered. “We kind of have all we can handle right now. Plus, not all of our foals are going to be princes and princesses.”
“But Cadence is a princess.”
“Yes, Nyx, but she’s not a hereditary princess. Most of the minor princes and princesses are hereditary; they are the scions of the Ancient Noble Houses that existed before the unification of the Tribes. Perhaps the most notable is Polaris, the Prince Blueblood. The Bluebloods are the direct line descendants of Princess Platinum herself. But Cadence is not a hereditary princess.
“I thought she was the heir to the throne of the Crystal Empire.”
“No, Nyx, no one knows what actually happened to the Imperial Family. Most likely, they were murdered on Sombra's orders. Cadence's connection to the Crystal Empire was revealed when she received her cutie mark which connected her to the Crystal Heart. As far as she knows, none of her ancestors were crystal ponies, or royalty of any kind for that matter.”
Nyx was confused. He claimed that his son wasn't a prince because of Cadence since she apparently did not inherit her title, but then why was the foal a prince? For that matter, how did Cadence become a princess in the first place?
“But how is the foal a prince, then?”
Nyx's question was interrupted by a commotion in the adjoining room. Obviously the young prince had woken up, and judging from the tone of the voices, whatever he was doing was both adorable and surprising. Then one voice clearly rose above the din. It was Twilight, and though Nyx could not make out what she was saying, she was familiar enough with her mother's voice to note that she was very surprised about something—so surprised that she was threatening to descend into one of her stress fueled spirals of worry.
“Shining,” Night Light spoke. He gestured with his head as if to say ‘Let’s check it out’ in the direction of the commotion.
Shining and Night Light headed towards the other room, Nyx trailing behind.
They opened the door to the family room and entered. On the far end of the room, the door to the dining room was open. Framed by the doorway, they could see the nurse, Cadence and Twilight Sparkle huddled over the bundle.
Twilight lifted her head and became aware of the presence of her father, brother and daughter in the adjoining room. She trotted over with an amazed look on her face. When she reached her brother, she looked him straight in the eyes, and asked, “How?”
As Night Light and Shining Armor bent their heads to discuss something, Nyx left the group and inched towards the doorway leading to the dining room. She stood at the doorway just inside the family room, and looked towards Cadence and the bundle, making sure to stay out of the bundle’s line of sight so her little cousin could not catch a glimpse of her.
Suddenly there was a flurry of movement and Cadence bent down. A dark furred leg was briefly visible, and then the foal turned, or was turned by Cadence, for another limb was now visible peeking out from bundle. But this one was covered in blue feathers.
This came as quite the surprise to Nyx. Try as she might, she could not recall why or where she had gotten the impression that the foal was a unicorn. Had she just assumed that since Cadence and Shining had horns, the baby would have one as well?
Nyx walked up to her mother, and with her wings, reached out to get her attention. Nyx didn’t know why she felt that talking to her mother was so urgent as to interrupt what seemed to be an intense conversation between Twilight, Shining and Night Light. Nyx knew that interrupting a conversation—most especially amongst her elders—was just about the rudest thing she could do in the present circumstances. Still, she reached out with her wing and stroked Twilight's shoulder with her feathers. Twilight glanced towards Nyx.
“He is a pegasus! The colt's a pegasus!” Nyx whispered loudly.She did not notice Shining and Night Light burst into stifled giggles.
Twilight looked at Nyx and sighed. “No, not just wings but also a horn.”
An alicorn! Nyx could not help but smile. This made her cousin more like her than she had expected. Nyx was not aware of any other young alicorns. She hoped this shared rare trait would help to bring them together.
“Oh wow, I am not the only young alicorn anymore! I like the sound of that! I really do!” In her mind she had already upgraded the status of her cousin to “honorary younger brother”.
Nyx looked back towards the bundle. She contemplated ways in which she could get closer to her cousin without letting him see her. She was burning up with curiosity. Maybe she could find a nook or cranny in which she could hide, so that she could observe him without being spotted. Maybe she could glimpse his horn! Or even his face!
But before she could act, she heard her mother speak to her. Nyx turned back to her mother.
“That’s the thing, Nyx, do you know how many ponies have been born alicorns?
“Umm, no.”
“None! You were the very first pony to be an Alicorn since the moment of her birth.”
“I wasn't exactly born.”
“You know I know that. I meant it as a figure of speech!” Twilight snapped. Nyx's ears flattened against the top of her head.
“Oh I'm so sorry, Nyx. It is just… well all of this. Look Nyx, you are right, alicorns are made, not born.”
“What, like me? With a spell?”
“Well no, well sort of, well It's confusing. It is called “ascending” and it is a process. Nobody really understands how or why but sometimes magically powerful ponies transform when they are subjected to extraordinarily great stress. Cadence was born a pegasus. Celestia and Luna were once a pegasus and a unicorn, though I forget now which is which. But a pony being born an alicorn? It is unprecedented!
“Well maybe it is still genetic. I mean, Cadence is an alicorn and Uncle Shining is a super-powerful unicorn.” Shining stood slightly straighter upon hearing these words. “So maybe when you combine the two you get an alicorn?” Nyx stated, a questioning lilt of uncertainty creeping into her voice. Uncertainty aside, this seemed sensible to Nyx, who remembered that when she revealed her wings to her friends they had believed them to be the result of the mixing of a pegasus and a unicorn.
“No, Nyx,” Twilight replied. “Two alicorns have borne children and they both had three foals each. The foals were in both occasions, one unicorn, one earth pony and one pegasus. Alicorns are the combination of all three classical pony races. When they give birth to a new generation, the magic apparently splits up back into the component races.”
“I didn't know the Royal Sisters had foals!” Nyx exclaimed.
“They didn't.” Twilight exchanged a quick glance with Night Light that Nyx did not catch.
Nyx did the mental calculations in her head. “So wait, there are other alicorns??”
“Not now, there aren't. In the entire history of Equestria, only six ponies have ever ascended. And only two of those, the Royal Sisters, are immortal. Cadence will live much longer than even the heartiest earth pony, but she too will one day die.
“And that is just the thing, Nyx! Apart from Luna, Celestia and Cadence, there have been only three other ascensions. There have never been more than three Alicorns at any given moment, and now there are five! The political ramifications alone are immense!”
“Political Ramifications?”
It was Shining Armor who answered Nyx. “By operation of Equestrian Law, all alicorns have the rank of Prince or Princess automatically. It is why Princess Cadence is a princess despite not having a noble background.”
It took a bit for Nyx to fully process that : ALL alicorns, did that include her???
“Wait are you saying I am a Princess?????”
Shining smiled at his already hyperventilating niece. “By law, yes. Though I dare say no one will be in much of a rush to assign you Princess duties anytime soon.”
“No! No! No!” Nyx stomped one of her hooves in rhythm to accentuate each word. “I resign! I resigned before and I resign right now. I gave up the throne and I meant any throne!”
“You are not the first Alicorn to want nothing to do with royalty and titles, Nyxie. Unfortunately, such attempts at abdication tend not to go very well.”
“Why not? Why can’t I quit?” Nyx was starting to look a teeny bit purple under her black coat. Her hyperventilation was becoming dangerous.
“Nyx!” Twilight urged. “Calm down. We will cross that bridge when we come to it. And we will cross it together, mother and daughter. That, I promise you.”
“But I don’t want to be the leader of anything!” Nyx protested.
Twilight took a deep breath and looked upon her daughter with compassion and understanding. “Listen, Nyx, ever since Luna and Celestia ended the era of Discord, alicorns have been viewed as being connected with the divine. Most ponies believe alicorns are sent by Faust Herself to guide and protect Equestria in times of trouble. Nopony knows for sure, but I guess that could be true.”
Twilight was getting worked up again, her feelings of uncertainty betraying her rational nature. “Or maybe during times of tribulation, the right pony is much more likely to be exposed to the kinds of great magical stresses that trigger ascensions. That is why the appearance of alicorns is so closely correlated with times of great crisis and change. Or maybe it is both, or maybe it is none.”
Her fears reaching a peak, Twilight’s worry-spiral took over. “There are two points I want to make clear here though. Firstly, an alicorn abdicating from his or her title and role would be viewed by many in the population as a rejection of a divine order from the creator of the universe Herself. That is not exactly a move that would make you popular or would inspire trust among the population. Doing that publicly would tear at the fabric of society and cause panic.”
Twilight’s fears continued to escalate along with her rate of speaking, and she lost sight of who her audience was. More accurately, she forgot that she had an audience, or that any other ponies apart from her existed in the room. “Secondly, the population of alicorns has never been more than three, but in the last two years, it has gone from three to five! Many ponies will see this as an omen—as a sure sign that some calamity looms over the horizon ready to befall Equestria sooner rather than later! There might even be panic in the streets once it is revealed that the new foal is an alicorn!
Fullbownpanicnandchaosandarewereadytodeal…”
“Twily, calm down.” Night Light purred.
Twilight paused mid-sentence. She suddenly remembered where she was as the warm tone of her father’s voice triggered some comforting primal memory from her fillyhood. She looked at her father with wide panicked eyes, then glanced around the room at the eyes which were locked onto her. “I am sorry, Daddy. I think even I am starting to believe that there might be some kind of cosmic crisis behind it all.”
“Or Nyx could be right and it is all just genetics.”
Twilight turned curiously towards her father. She stared at him in confusion for a while. Then something clicked and a look of recognition passed over her. “Dad, you yourself have always said those are nothing more than rumors.”
“Well I think they are, honey. But certain facts have come to light, as they say.” He nodded towards the other room and the bundle therein. “In light of these new developments, it would…it would in fact explain so much.”
Nyx was confused. Her eyes flitted from grown-up to grown-up hoping someone would let her into the conversation.
“Twily…” This time it was Shining Armor who said it, and a smile played on his lips. “If you and I really are… the ‘confluence’ or whatever they kept calling it, then if one of us has a child with an alicorn, it might be enough to make the foal an alicorn.”
“Or,” Night Light said to Shining, “Maybe it means that you are more likely to ascend and the baby somehow ascended prematurely.”
Shining stifled a laugh. Then he said, “If that is the case, Twily should have already ascended, with all the magical stress she has already gone through. Or maybe,”—he was flat out giggling now—“it will happen at any moment in the near future. Don't know about you, but I think a pair of feather covered wings would look quite fetching in your particular shade of lavender!”
Twilight just stared at her brother. She stared at him for the longest time.
“What? Wait… what??”
Nyx had lived with Twilight for a little less than two years, which was plenty of time for her to get attuned to some of Twilight's moods. There was ‘tired’. There was the nerdy anticipation that preceded the arrival of a new book bearing new knowledge. But the one to watch out for was ‘total meltdown’ which was usually preceded by twitching eyes, frazzled mane, the smell of ozone, and a pervading sense of static electricity.
Judging by the fact that present circumstances permitted Nyx to check every one of these warning signs off from the great checklist in her mind, this meltdown was going to be a doozy.
“Wings??? I can’t turn into an alicorn. That is ridiculous!”
Twilight Velvet seemed to materialize out of nowhere. She trotted towards Twilight with an air of quiet determination. “Twilight Sparkle, come please and help me make tea—peppermint tea, your favorite.”
Twilight Sparkle meekly gibbered.
Twilight Velvet motioned with her head towards the kitchen door. Her daughter merely followed as if in a trance.
Nyx took this as her own cue to leave. She left the room and walked out to the door. Once in the hallway she headed towards the entryway. Panes of glass flanked the wooden door and through them she saw the snow falling outside. Crystal tendrils of ice covered much of the panes, bearing witness to the frigid conditions.
The sound of soft hoofsteps announced the presence of her grandfather, who now joined Nyx. He stared into the storm.
“Grandpa” Nyx asked with hesitation in her voice, “can I ask you something?”
“Just the one question? You usually ask ten or twenty.” Night Light chuckled.
Receiving only silence, Night Light clarified. “Yes of course, Nyx my dear. Ask away.”
“What did you mean when you said that it could be genetic?”
“Oh, just rumors—old stories about the Light and the Dark. Nothing you should pay too much attention to.
“The light and the dark”?
“Yes, the old rumor that Velvet and I are the confluence, the bringing together of the Light and the Dark. Don't worry about it too much, just a silly story.”
“Can I hear it?”
Night Light sighed. “Well, why not?”
“Remember when Twilight said that Luna and Celestia never had children?”
Nyx nodded.
“Well, ponies love to give them “secret children”. There is, for example, an alarmingly large segment of the population of this city who insist that your mother is Princess Celestia's love child. She is most definitely not of course; I can testify to that.” Night Light hastened to add.
Nyx’s eyes grew wide and she breathed out a tense little gasp.
“But the story of the Light and the Dark is much older than that. It’s much older than Nightmare Moon even. It goes all the way back to the founding of our nation. When Equestria was founded, the noble houses of the unicorn tribe became the hereditary noble houses that we still have today. But there are rumors that another nobility exists—one that is supposed to be more powerful than the titled nobility, but does not have hereditary title.
“See, Nyx, as I think you heard, the Royal Sisters were born as “normal” ponies—very magically gifted ponies, but normal. They are much more normal in reality, than the ethereal beings too many ponies insist in seeing them as. So when ponies work with them in close proximity and suddenly discover just how normal they are, these very same ponies start wondering. And, inevitably, they start asking themselves some questions. How come neither of the Royal Sisters ever got married? Did they never want a family? Why did they never have foals? Why does it seem that they never had so much as a special somepony?
“It was inevitable I suppose that eventually some ponies would assume that The Royal Sisters did in fact, form families, but just kept it secret… somehow. That is what the legend of the Light and the Dark is. That is all there is to it. As for the story itself, the legend is that long ago, within the very first few generations after Celestia and Luna took the throne, they also took husbands and had foals.
“The kind of ponies that spread this legend tend to be, umm, well… maybe not conspiracy nuts, but definitely very, umm, politically minded. They tend to see things in terms of strategies and alliances, plots and machinations. So most versions of the legend say that Luna and Celestia not only had foals because of love, but also as a way to finally unify the tribes by creating a new aristocracy apart from the old one. Now personally I think that is ridiculous. I think that if Celestia and Luna had foals—and there is no evidence they did—it would be because they genuinely fell in love and wanted to form families like normal ponies. Again, we are just talking about a legend. I know of no evidence than any of this is real.”
"But if there is no evidence, then why do ponies believe this? And what does this have to do with all this talk of the light and the dark?”
“Funny that you asked those two questions back to back. One is the answer to the other.
“The ponies who do the most nowadays to keep the legend going are known as the ‘Lights’ and the ‘Darks’. They pass it down through the generations. Some of us hear the stories and think of them just as Grandma's favorite old mare's tale, but there are entire families who take great pride in them. By now, Nyxie, you are wondering who the Lights and the Darks are.”
Nyx nodded.
“The Lights are a small group of families—unicorn, pegasus, and earth pony—who have long served Celestia and the crown. Though a few have been knighted, they are not hereditary nobles. This has caused a lot of resentment between them and the hereditary nobles who think they should be holding down the positions the Lights usually hold. So you can see how having this myth that portrays them as the secret descendants of Celestia herself would hold great appeal to the Lights.
“As for the Darks, they are very similar—a small group of influential, but non-noble families from all three tribes that have long served amongst the high ranks of the bureaucracy, and like the Lights, are deeply intertwined in Equestrian history. They call themselves the ‘Darks’ because for whatever reason, they tend to involve themselves in things involving the night—or those things that have been traditionally associated with dark, such as subterfuge. The ‘Lights’ similarly acquired that name because those families tend to be involved in matters directly concerning Celestia's day court, foreign relations and so on. For example the agricultural researchers—both unicorns and earth ponies—who have massively increased Equestria's crop yields tend to be Lights, whereas most of our great astronomers have come from the Darks.” Night Light puffed out his chest in pride at this last statement.
“Oh dear, this old stallion must be boring you with all this prattle.” He turned to look at Nyx only to find her staring at him with a look of fascinated rapt attention. It was the same look another filly had so often worn in this same house in the not too distant past.
“No, no, tell me more about the Darks!”
“All right, let me give you an example that is less directly “day vs night”. Members of the Light families are often found in the Equestrian Foreign Relations Ministry, especially in the Foreign Service serving as diplomats in foreign lands, whereas Dark families make up a disproportionate share of agents in the Equestrian Intelligence Service.
As time went by, both groups used each other as a way to define themselves. So it was only natural that when the Darks heard the Lights claim descent from Princess Celestia, the Darks responded by claiming to be the secret descendants of Princess Luna.”
Nyx raised her hoof politely, just as she would back in Ms. Cheerilee's class. Night Light acknowledged her by falling silent and giving her a brief nod that meant “go ahead”
“What did Shining mean by ‘the Confluence’?”
“Yes the confluence, sometimes called the ‘convergence’—well, Nyx as I think you may already suspect…”
“You are a Dark!” Nyx blurted out.
“Right, Nyxie! And your Grandma is a Light! See the thing is Darks and Lights work together, and tend to get along, but they rarely intermarry. In fact when your Grandma and I got married, it was the first time in living memory that a Mainline Dark unicorn had married a Mainline Light unicorn.”
Nyx raised her hoof again politely. When Night Light acknowledged with a nod, Nyx asked
“Mainline?”
“Yes, Nyxie, that refers to families that take the legend seriously and are often believed to be the most direct descendants from Celestia and Luna. Your Grandma and I never took the legend seriously, but many in both our families do.”
“So of course when it turned out that Shining and your mother were so magically powerful, those ponies in our families that took the legend seriously proclaimed that this was evidence that the legends were true. They believe the reason Twily and Shiny are so powerful is because they carry the bloodline of both the Royal Sisters within them. Finally the lineages of the Royal Sisters had been united, and this meant Shining and Twilight had great destinies in front of them. The fact that Shining and Twilight have done so many great things in their brief lives is, in their minds, only further evidence.”
A knock came at the door. Twilight Velvet came in and floated mugs of tea to both Night Light and Nyx.
Nyx thanked Twilight Velvet and took a sip. It was peppermint flavored tea, sharp and bracing.
Nyx thanked her grandfather for the information, then watched as Twilight Velvet and Night Light returned to the rest of the family, leaving Nyx in the entry hallway.
Nyx had a lot to think about and searched for a place to do it, She noticed the living room was empty and trotted towards it.
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*scratches head* some interesting stuff in this story.....
5418042 yeah a lot of exposition. This will be the first story in my own series of sequels to Past Sins. So yeah lots of worldbuilding here.
You could use 'Lunars' and 'Solars' in place of Lights and Darks. Cannot think of a replacement for Mainline though.
5418067 thought of that, But It is kind of too on point. No reason to have Night Light give a backstory about the legend if just a cursory glance at the names kind of tells you what the legend is. And there is a reason why I had Night Light dump all that exposition, so just getting rid of it wont do.
Thanks for the feedback though , and if you have any other ideas I would love to hear them.
Looks amazing
5418050 I was thinking you may want to put something in the author's notes or even the main metadata description, that this is meant to give exposition which will serve upcoming as-yet unwritten stories. That will help people understand the purpose of the exposition.
5418192 yeah I might add something to the author's notes at the bottom. have you looked at the author's note by the way?
5418197 Yes, I like the fact that you've declared the story as a work in progress. That's a good idea as well. It's always good to help the reader understand the "why" behind a few things they may find unusual about your story. All good!
i really like it hope to read more soon
5418228 thanks!
5418230 no thank u fore posting it
5418236 Thank recon777 for making it readable!
Well, that was an interesting thing. The story of the Lights and Darks was very well made. Sadly, I do not have a replacement name for Light, Dark and Mainline.
5418250 Don't be sad. Glad you are liking it so far.
Well I see the light and the darks as Nyx could be the dark part and the Light could be the alicorn foal.... Gotta have balance there you see.
5418258 Thanks!
autism to the rescue
Shining's mark is a heater shield, contrary to what every RPG ever would have you believe.
This is a kite shield:
i.imgur.com/8sO6j38.jpg
5418073 Yeah, thought of that right after I posted. The only other feedback I have is that, while it's excellently written, the dialogue feels just a little to formal. Try make seem a tad more natural.
5418555 Yeah the dialogue , especially that huge infodump that Night Light dumps on Nyx at the end, was by far the most difficult thing to write and even more difficult to edit . Basically I ended up sacrificing a bit of naturalism in other to get a lot of info out. The idea is that by " sacrificing" this story i save some future stories I plan to write were this infodump would be more unnatural and even more forced.
So Yes, basically this is the first " canon" story in a series of stories I plan to write in the " Past Sins" universe. Hence all the exposition .
Sadly what I could read felt very much simply making grabs at the previous past sins universe stories. I also agree with some of the comments I have read concerning the dialogue coming across as too formal and bland. I`m not truly satisfiesd with your response being that this "sacrifice" of the dialogue is justified because this story is going to the essentially a manual for future planned stories and it was done to catch people up to a story that is barely even beggining. Finally, I must say that when reading thoughts in a story(be they coming from the individual`s own mind or being paraphrased by the author for the readers), it always takes me out of the story when they are presented with formal words and/or in a very coherent and planned fashion. Maybe it`s me applying too much personal thought into it, but my own thoughts are rarely coherent and tend to be all ovet the place as I bring pieces together over time. Also, it feels alien when someone voices their thoughts as if talking to a very respected individial instead of in a spontaneous way(for example using formal words intead of simple words).
5419328
Well, to be fair, the ideas explored here are not meant to go off the beaten path of Past Sins, really. It is a very thin, very dense slice of life story of pure exposition and character interaction. It's not meant to really delve into new areas aside from the hints which were presented via Equestrian political history. Those things aren't even Past Sins related, and could exist entirely separate. Maybe what you're seeing is that it is similar to Winter Bells in the setting. Of course, that was intentional as the author wanted to take Cadence's pregnancy which was announced at the very end of Winter Bells and show the fans what the results of that were. Also, Winter Bells repairs the relationship between Shining and Nyx, but never really explores it, so what you'll find here (in the next chapter which isn't edited yet) is that there is some meaningful bonding between those two.
Because this story is so brief in terms of its own timeline, not a whole lot of events happen. The result of this is that the author has chosen to spend his words on density of interaction, explaining the traditions and rituals of these characters, and also drop some hints as to the headcanon through which his further stories will be presented. I don't know anything about the future planned stories, but there does seem to be a fair bit to work with in the idea that Twilight's parents are somehow tied in with this ancient mysterious lineage which is mentioned in this chapter. This could, of course, be taken in many directions, and I like the idea of merging that headcanon in with the Past Sins universe.
I'd say that there needs to be a separation of these two concepts. It is true that the author intends to use much of the expository dialogue as the basis for future stories. It is also true that he has spent the bulk of his time and energy on developing this headcanon. So to give come context to his statement about it being a "sacrifice" in that sense, what it really means is that he spent less time refining the dialog than refining the headcanon and exposition. Time was a seriously limiting factor on this project, with the intention of publishing by Christmas (the analog to Hearth's Warming).
Eh, well this is just the author's personality, let me assure you. I've gotten to know him fairly well over the last 3-4 months since he's also prereading my story, and I can vouch that this particular fellow is highly detail oriented and formal. So you're just seeing that come through in the writing. I hear it's rather challenging sometimes to force your characters to behave and dialogue in ways other than what you yourself do. That's okay, but it's understandable if this puts some people off. This isn't a lengthy enough story where that becomes a huge issue probably. It's not like he's writing a 250,000 word Fallout Equestria side-fic or anything.
5419328
i will be the first to agree that the dialogue in the last half of this chapter is rather stilted. I assure you it gets better in the next two chapters where there will be less dialogue and more action. However I kind of want to point out two reasons why it was next to impossible to make this language less formal. Don't think Recon and I were not aware of this issue. We tried to resolve it but we ended up hitting two main limitations.
1. Clarity. " when in doubt err towards clarity" is one of the maxims of good writing and judicious editing.Your own though ts are rarely coherent and all over the place. So are mine, so are everyones as far as I can tell. Nyx in this story is the equivalent of an 11 or 12 year old human girl. I can only imagine what the stream of her thoughts is. But this is not a psychological monogram. This is an attempt at telling a narrative. A narrative in which I am trying to convey a lot of dense information. To convey this information in a way that mimicked the thought pattern of a confused little girl would render the story totally illegible. I mean those few things i tried explicitly to add dynamism, such as narrative asides in the midst of conversations , were already confusing enough. Imagine if I tried to depict the actual confusion a fifth grade girl would experience in this situation. All you would get is a headache. So yes, if every piece of this converation seems calculated it is because it was in fact meticulously worked out. There is no other way to clearly convey this information.
2. Myself and My past. So as Recon777 points out, i tend to be very formal in my speech, but this is maximized by the fact that English is not my native language. Now I have been officially bilingual since I was five, and as I child I read voluminously, and most of those books were in English. But the language In which I spoke to my family and socialized with my friends was Spanish. I read in English, My higher education took place in English, and I work in the United States in a job in English, that is as verbal as it gets, but the conversation in this story, had it happened in my life, would have taken place in Spanish. In other words the language of family and emotions for me , is Spanish, as opposed to my academic and professional life, which takes place in English.
So one thing I have noticed, In American and European business executives working in Latin America whose Language is English or German or something like that, but who have gained fluency in Spanish through academic study of the language is the following curious phenomenon: While their Spanish is precise and correct, to a person who grew up speaking Spanish, the Spanish spoken by these foreigners often seems overly formal and somewhat archaic. I think this is precisely what you are detecting in me. My English appears overly formal and archaic to you, because I employ English in academic and professional pursuits, but not in emotional,social or family pursuits. So when I portray family scenes in English, you experience someone using formal professional English to refer to informal situations. After all, that is the only type of English I am truly comfortable in.
one very last comment :
Again probably cultural. In Latin American culture, especially in old fashioned families that either are or pretend to be " upper class" ( such as happens to be the case with my own family) It is expected that young people speak to their older family members in as formal, respectful, and non- slangy a language as possible. So the polite thing to do for a well bred young girl would be to speak to her grandfather in the most formal way she could, to show off how well her parents are raising her. In Nyx's case this is further compounded by the fact that she takes great joy and pride in the etiquette lessons she gets from Rarity. In other words her grandfather IS a " very respected individual" and thus she will make a point of addressing him in the way one addresses a very respected individual which as a family elder, is of course precisely what he is!
I will always remember when a friend of mine in HS , here in the USA once talked to someone on the cell phone referring to him as " dude." when he told me it was his father i almost fell backward. I could not fathom and( still cannot) the idea of referring to anyone like a father mother uncle aunt or grandparent with a slang term !
I like where this story is going. Some of it felt a little off, though I can't say I could have done it any better. It seems like a difficult storyline to word properly.
Still I love the idea of this story and desperately hope that you update in the near future.
I wish you the best of luck, hope you had a merry christmas and wishing you a happy new year.
I like where this story is going. Some of it felt a little off, though I can't say I could have done it any better. It seems like a difficult storyline to word properly.
Still I love the idea of this story and desperately hope that you update in the near future.
I wish you the best of luck, hope you had a merry christmas and wishing you a happy new year.
Just stumbled onto this, and I must say that I like where it is going, and I love love love the worldbuilding going on here.
Also, would Primes do as a substitute for Mainlines?
5488553 Thank you for the comment. Yeah the worldbuilding in many ways is one of the reasons this story exists. Dont get me wrong, there will definitely be the discussion of the two cutie marks. And a meet cute between Nyx and the baby ( what you thought I was building that up so it went nowhere?) But much of this story exists to set up the backgrund world for a future story I have in the works.
Though it might be a year or so off in the works, since while I have a basic Idea ( Nyx as a student at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns) and a very well developed setting and world ( as should be clear by now) I still do not have one of those.. what do you call them... oh yes, a plot.
Oh and I'll think about "primes".
5491772 I'd love to see that discussion when it comes, though the meet-cute is still satisfying. That sounds awesome as all get out; and yeah, the worldbuilding is easier and more fun for me than writing plot too.
Did Nyx's disguise change, or is it just me?
5524914 I hope not? it is meant to be the same one described in Winter Bells.
5525298
It's been a while since I read Winter bells, so maybe it changed after Past Sins. I thought it originally was a vest and glasses that changed how her eyes appeared.
5525369 right. but after the events of
she got a new disguise since the old disguise would not have fooled anyone anymore.
5525596
ahh, that explains it
How did I miss this? This will be recitified!!
And I am back, I love how this is going so far.
Nyx's refusal of the throne feels less like "Wahhhh, I don't like this idea" and more like what a normal filly who has a big path ahead goes through. I alo love how you are looking over the lines and the use of ascencion. Although, I must wonder if MMC had happened yet, since Pen Stroke mentioned that in the timeline, the rest of season 3 happened after Winter Bells.
5609489 I decided for this story to postergate tiwlight's ascension. This story is meant to be a prequel to an eventual longer story set during Nyx's time as a student at Celestia's school for Gifgted Unicorns. though no ETA exists for that story yet.
This story will be fnished however. There are two more chapters. I haven't worked on them too much because I have spent most of my ponytime helping recon777 with his story, but rest assured this story will be completed.
AS for Nyx, the way I see her, her deepest emotional desire ( apart from protecting the ponies she cares about) is to live as normal a life as possible. She knows full well this is in essence impossible, but as much as she can, she will always try to live as normal and low profile a life as she possibly can.
5610946
Hmmm, an interesting approach. I woul love to see how she can hanle this, especially since she has to realize that her mother is a bearer of harmony, her mom's friends are bearers, she is an alicorn, and is going to be in Celestia's school. To quote Sabrina's da from teenage witch.
"That ship has sailed."
EEEEE! Can't wait
I love it and can hardly wait for more!
5637504 thanks. there will be more. I promise. No ETA yet but there are two more chapters to this story.
Hope you make more chapters soon
6592811 there will be more chapters, they are drafted out already. Unfortunatelyt i cant really predict when soon will be though.
Pedantic review, go!
'Members' needs an apostrophe, as it is possessive.
That's a lot of description about the exact type of snow...more than I would recommend, anyway. If that's a style thing, that's fine, but it does slow things down.
'Flurries' should be singular, unless there are multiple different snowstorms.
'Ponylengths' is an odd unit of measurement. Are you sure about using it? I'd just go with the metric system, but that's a personal preference thing...hmmm. I'll ask the writer's group, see what they think.
(...results were inconclusive. Most said either 'do whatever' or 'use the metric system')
How important is this OC going to be, to get a big chunk of exposition like that?
I personally find that particular little meta reference somewhat suspension-of-disbelief-breaking. That doesn't mean you shouldn't use it, though, as long as you can justify it.
I'd recommend using a different descriptor for Twilight. Her magical strength is not immediately apparent by looking at her, and a description should normally be used to paint a scene. If for whatever reason you want to emphasize Twi's power, then a physical description followed by a comment in prose on how it 'belies her true strength' or something like that would work better, I think.
This could be put more concisely, I think. Perhaps 'moon-embossed kite shield cutie mark'?
Holy Mother of Exposition, Batmare!
In all seriousness, Twilight is speaking as if Nyx doesn't know any of these things.
I'd recommend using 'about' instead there.
Bleh. There's quite a bit I don't like about this sentence, so I'll go through it slowly.
I do like this bit. Twi being sad about not having academic colleagues at the age of eleven amuses me.
'well' should be removed. It could be made grammatically correct with another comma, but that would make the whole sentence read horribly.
I don't see the relationship between Twilight and Celestia as being familial, particularly not so early after Twi earned her cutie mark. Pseudo-maternal later on, perhaps, but not so soon.
Besides, as Nyx will immediately point out, just because someone is family doesn't mean they can't be an academic correspondent. It seems odd that Twilight would think that.
Lastly, the use - or lack thereof- of contractions. Just having read this chapter, it seems that you rarely if ever use contractions, which has the unfortunate effect of making a fair amount of the dialogue pretty clunky, like here.
Behold, a restructured sentence!
"When I was your age, I didn't have any academic correspondents at all! Well, apart from Celestia, but she didn't count because she was my teacher anyway."
That's an objectively better sentence, but it doesn't lead into what you want the characters to be talking about, which is Nyx's insecurity about meeting Shining, Cadence and their new foal. It needs fine-tuning either way, I suppose.
'Interrupted' doesn't need to be capitalised.
I appreciate that you've written Nyx so she isn't just a helpless woobie, but instead actually displays some intelligence as well as being touchy about things she'd be touchy about. There's disappointingly little of that around.
A minor nitpick: Cadence could never have hoped to challenge Nyx directly during that timeframe - Nyx would have just crushed Cadence and any army Cadence could bring to bear with overwhelming magical power.
Comma after 'that'
I'd advise you to avoid spelling laughter out in dialogue, lest your characters sound deranged. 'Twilight laughed woodenly' works better.
Alright, this bit needs some cleanup.
Firstly, 'yet' is used twice in one sentence, which is something to be avoided. The first 'yet' could be replaced with a comma after 'elegent' and then 'if'.
Secondly, two Nyx-es in three words is jarring. I'd look for a way to rephrase that.
Thirdly, that unnecessary 'looking'
It's unnecessary.
Your prose is rather purple, which isn't a bad thing - lots of description can be a wonderful way of immersing your readers when done well, but it has to flow well, and the best way to make purple prose flow better is to remove unnecessary words. This particular sentence works just as well without that word and is on the lengthy side anyway, so I think it should be chopped.
In fact, that would be my advice for improving at writing generally - focus on the basis of capitalisation and punctuation, and look through your own work for words that don't add much or aren't needed. Look for ways of explaining things more concisely.
As an example, look at this phrase:
First, look at how necessary it is to the chapter. If you feel that it adds something to the tone or characterisation then it can be forgiven for not moving the scene forward. If it doesn't, then chop.
Next, look for ways it could be better stated. Be aware that your prose tends to run on the expository side, and look for ways of saying more with less.
I'd say that this phrase adds something to Nyx's characterisation, so it should be kept. I do think, however that it might be better put, like so:
Alright? I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have to the best of my abilities, and the writer's group is there if you want some other opinions.
There's a lot of unnecessary words and somewhat overly-long sentences here, as I've already said. That's not a major flaw, but rather something you'll get better at managing with time, practice and lots of objective editing of your own work.
Oh, and kudos on fantastic Nyx characterisation! Seriously, well done. That was exceptional.
I would use 'Besides' there instead.
As another example of parts that could be cut down, these lines are unnecessary. Readers can infer from the tone of the previous paragraph how Nyx feels about this issue, and unless it isn't evident you should avoid explaining how a character feels, and if you do it should be more interesting than 'Nyx felt bad' or 'Nyx wanted to cry'.
Rather than 'made her feel like crying', I'd recommend something a little more metaphorical.
This holds true for describing a character's emotional state in prose as well. Saying "Nyx was sad" or "Nyx wanted to cry" isn't very engaging.
Comma after 'rugged'
This part is in serious need of cutting down. What do you think can be chopped?
Much as I appreciate you portraying Nyx as intelligent, it feels off that she'd discover that her cousin is an alicorn and immediately jump to talking about their shared traits and possible future relationship. A simple exclamation of amazement would be simpler and feel more natural.
I'd recommend using just italics rather than bold, underline and italics in order to signify emphasis. All three look weird.
Comma after 'oh'
Good attention to detail! I'd forgotten about that exchange.
'Alicorn' probably shouldn't be capitalised.
There's a double-space after 'ramifications'
'Ramifications' shouldn't be capitalised.
Unnecessary space after the first 'that'
As I said before, the italicized, emboldened, underlined text is distracting.
A semicolon should be used instead of a colon.
Avoid using more than one question mark.
Oh, and this whole section could be improved by splitting it into three sentences, like so:
Comma after 'wait'
Avoid using multiple punctuation marks.
That's not why she gave up the throne. Nyx would be fine in a position of authority, provided it was one she earned, commanding ponies who respected her.
Interesting. What would these ponies think of Nightmare Moon, then?
'Blown' is missing an L
Comma after 'Moon'.
Also, he's speaking to Nightmare Moon. Talk about rude!
There's any number of reasons for that, most of which have nothing to do with what he goes on to talk about.
Chop 'fascinated'.
Okay. And that's chapter one.
This was a mixed bag. There's a lot of unnecessarily purple prose, and quite a bit of the dialogue is rather clunky. On the other hand, the worldbuilding is solid and the characterisation of Nyx and Twilight is excellent. Others have already talked about the expository nature of this piece, so I'll leave that particular aspect alone for now.
Oh, and if you don't want this big chunk of stuff all over your nice neat comments section, I'll edit it down and transfer it to a PM.
6929246
I am going to go through your comments later but I want to address three of your comments here, mostly because I want to explain why I will not be taking your advice on those three comments.
1. The purple unicorn of considerable power. This is just there so that the audience knows it is Twilight without me saying Twilight. I am not trying to make an observation about how she is stronger than she looks just tried to say something that would make the reader go " twilight".
2. Celestia being like family. The entire point of this sentence was to set up Nyx's crack that Shining Armor actually is family. So if Twilight does not refer to Celestia as like family, there is no point for this sentence to exist. You may think the joke is lame and the story is better off without it, and you may be right, but the most important part of this sentence is that Twilight refer to Celestia as " like family" without that the sentence has no reason to exist. I do see what you mean by the sentence being awkwardly structured and will work on that.
3. HAHAHAHA! Yes the point of it being in all caps spelled out and with an accent mark is precisely so she sounds like she is cracking. She did not laugh " woodenly" in fact it was exactly the opposite, the laugh came out much louder and more emotional than Twilight intended. The intent here is to show that Twilight, while trying to provide a reassuring facade to Nyx, is internally herself very nervous about the situation.
None of this of course means that I will not pay close attention to the rest of your comments, and I do thank you for the detail.
8145025
Amen.
I'm pretty sure that Nyx's disguise didn't include turning her coat white. Was that a mistake or a change purposely done for the story?
10442635
Oh it is absolutely Canon! Its From Pen Strokes First Sequel to Past Sins, " Winter Bells" Chapter Two "
( Italics Added)
10444034
I forgot about the disguise for Winter Bells.
I was only thinking about the glasses for her dragon eyes and the vest to cover her wings.
I completely for got about disguises they wore when they went to visit Canterlot and avoid the press.