- Member Since 7th Nov, 2021
- offline last seen February 21st
Quantum Trip
Hay, you there. Wanna feel something?
Quantum Trip
Joined 7th Nov, 2021 ·
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5356475
Actually, that's a really good point. I think I need to be more open about where the story is going. Thanks.
Little weird to base dire warnings on a ponies dreams, but I guess Luna would know the limits of "normal" weird dreams.
It's a slow-starter, so you might consider throwing some foreshadowing in sooner to hook readers, but it eventually drew me in. I suggest working on Twilight's characterization more, her 'voice' in particular. This is a journal she's keeping for herself after all, and I don't see her holding back vocabulary-wise, for instance.
The short chapters are a bit annoying, but others' mileage may vary. I understand why you're doing it this way; it just feels a bit clumsy and jerky navigating through it on the site. Downloading the story and reading it as one document would be one way to address that.
5356999
Yeah, I don't really know the right way to sell it, to be honest. I'll clip the warning, though. I'm not certain what the down-thumbs don't like, b/c I'm not getting significant feedback.
5357237
Yeah, I agree for the most part. I want it to feel like an actual set of journal entries, though.
5357237
I agree the early foreshadowing is too subtle and it's definitely a slow starter. Initially I designed it to start around Day 23 or so, but too much exposition was required for the background, so I went the other route instead. Maybe balancing the two would have been preferable.
5357539
Description as is is now OK, but not eye catching. Dislikes are probably a function of sex/dark tags. Your story is assuredly not crap, so the early dislikes will generally be over content, not quality, while the likes are going to be around 10% of the readership.
Since you have a nonoffensive beginning/hook the big thing is advertising. Be in the right groups, make the description entice people. In this case, more emphasis on a dark mystery may work, but that's just one idea; you could make it a tiny entry in the journal that's deeper into the narrative and gives hints of what's to come, like "day 200: The apple zombies are winning, no one has seen Rarity since the Boutique was overrun. I hope Luna succeeds in her diplomatic mission to gain the aid of the Vampire griffons, or else all will be lost."
If you haven't, make sure the story is in the groups with your desired audience. And I'm not sure, but the new "similar stories" feature will work in your favor over time, so don't despair if you miss the critical but fickle initial feature-box.
This is well-written, but a real pain to scroll through.
5357584
Well, I like what I see so far. Interestingly written, mysterious, sadly still lacking in kink—but that isn't something that needs to be rushed, Heavens no! However, the mini-chapters will draw some thumbs down. A large part of FimFiction's readership dislikes stories that regularly put out chapters of less than 1000 words. That could explain at least a few downvotes.
... Personally, I have my fingers crossed that Ponyville (and Equestria) is slowly but surely influenced by a magical malady that makes the mares want to find and submit to one of the stallions. With the skewed gender ratio, it should get really interesting. Plus, suggesting possible dom/sub pairings is great fun...
5357687
Thanks for the feedback. I realize the micro-chaptering might be frowned upon, but it won't continue, at least. Entries from here on out (with rare exception) will be lengthy.
5357694
That's good to hear! And again, I rather like what you've put up so far
Also, couldn't help but notice you did not address my other note, hmm? We'll have to wait and see, but if I'm right, Rarity might very well decide to kiss her Spikey-Wikey a little lower next time they meet.
5357726
Oh, I avoided answering that because the future of the story is still a surprise!
5357685
I appreciate the feedback. I'm a little surprised by that, though; do you mean using the "Next" button is annoying? Or do ponies normally try to go back and forth to the ToC menu or something odd like that?
This is creepy so far. I keep expecting something horrible to happen.
And am I the only one who took Cadance's 'Very Disturbing' dreams to mean something like a combination of various ponies being torn apart, rape, flashing lights, static, screams of terror, foals being tortured, before finally fading to black with white noise playing?
5357790
Well, I mainly read fimfic on my phone, and with opera mini due to its unmatched speed of loading, but its no longer supported so it gets all sorts of bugs, like displaying all related stories and blog posts in a long-ass column before the text of each chapter...
5357851
Oh wow. That just sounds awful.
5357817
It's safe to assume that Luna considers Cadance's dreams to be psychologically pathognomonic (assuming Luna is being honest, natch).
I'm really enjoying this so far - good quality stuff, and the pacing feels good too :)
5359128
Is... is Rainbow Dash jealous? She sounds like she's jealous of Fluttershy. Having your eyes on a big red prize yourself there, miss Prism?
Sooo tempted to make some more smart-mouthed comments about what some of the ponies said, but I fear that could end up spoiling the fun for the people reading the comments section first^^
5359446
Have faith. I can't make guarantees, but this story is from a different setting than the one which originally inspired it.
Fluttershy, Wat r u doin? Stawp!
5360310
Technically, in the show, horns: ...do indeed grow back. They routinely file horns down in the spa, Celestia regrew the piece Chrysalis knocked off, and King Sombra also regrew part of his (though that may have been strictly magical).
Okay, this may well go in a direction I don't like, but right now: ominous events that may have actual payoffs, but not yet? Slow-burning increase in terror? Narrator ironically unaware of stuff, but not in a way that belabors the point? You definitely have my attention.
5357694
Please don't drop the short chapters just out of obligation. They've been working very well so far.
what's with the piiiiigs
Twilight remember the bite marks!
Interesting story. There's so much mystery you just want to keep going.
I'm enjoying this so far. I like the mystery aspect, and I'm finding myself trying to come up with theories in my head about what comes next. Whatever direction you choose, I'm sure it will be intriguing.
I personally liked the short chapter style in the beginning of the story. It made it have more of that "I'm just starting out a journal" aspect, but I am really enjoying the evolution into longer chapters as well. (including the addendum) Overall, I like your writing style and your word choices. You pick up on the colloquial traits of each pony quite well. So far, I'm believing everything each pony says, and I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the next installment.
5363381
Thanks!
The only reason I have (seemingly) abandoned much shorter chapters is that information is currently coming too quickly. I enjoyed writing the early part as well (I'm particularly proud of putting in a three-word chapter), but slow doesn't fit the story's progress at the present time.
5363127
Why isn't anyone buying Pinkie Pie's pod ponies theory?
Just kidding!
(maybe) damn I'm a tease
I'm glad slow doesn't fit at the present time. I'm eager for more.
very intriguing noir.
5363912
So... the plot thickens?
...yeah, I'm not above that brand of joke.
You'd think the wing would be fairly easy to hide small things in...
I'm calling it right now. Collar, or some other equally fetish-heavy equipment.
Red Flad, Retreat, to canterlot and Tell the princesses Now Twilight before it's too late. Bring the journal and just enough money to make it alone. Everypony has been compromised in the Crystal empire.
It could just be me.... but this chapter fills me with fear and a sense of impending doom that it probably shouldn't.
-which is good. I read for reasons.
5366609
You can't write the cute out of Twilight. It's useless to even try.
Ummm.. what did Twilight see... Down there...
5367038
When did Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy have horns?!
5367326
Bah, meant acting weird. Cadance, Rarity, and Fluttershy have earings, right?
Pinkie Pie is unknown; wearing the shoes might be hiding something... weren't the hooves where Twilight saw those bites on herself?
5367341
No, see Day 30: It was the inner thigh.. Also, Pinkie's shoes are off now and (presumably) hooves are somewhat more bite-resistant.
Not that I'm trying to disconfirm and/or feed suspicions, mind you. Just being your friendly-wendly-handy-dandy-reference-pony!
My word, you are prolific! And it's such a treat to read your work!
I have my fingers crossed that one or more will soon learn the joy of bondage^^