5356475
Actually, that's a really good point. I think I need to be more open about where the story is going. Thanks.

It's a slow-starter, so you might consider throwing some foreshadowing in sooner to hook readers, but it eventually drew me in. I suggest working on Twilight's characterization more, her 'voice' in particular. This is a journal she's keeping for herself after all, and I don't see her holding back vocabulary-wise, for instance.

The short chapters are a bit annoying, but others' mileage may vary. I understand why you're doing it this way; it just feels a bit clumsy and jerky navigating through it on the site. Downloading the story and reading it as one document would be one way to address that.

5356999
Yeah, I don't really know the right way to sell it, to be honest. I'll clip the warning, though. I'm not certain what the down-thumbs don't like, b/c I'm not getting significant feedback.

5357237
Yeah, I agree for the most part. I want it to feel like an actual set of journal entries, though.

5357237
I agree the early foreshadowing is too subtle and it's definitely a slow starter. Initially I designed it to start around Day 23 or so, but too much exposition was required for the background, so I went the other route instead. Maybe balancing the two would have been preferable.

5357539

Description as is is now OK, but not eye catching. Dislikes are probably a function of sex/dark tags. Your story is assuredly not crap, so the early dislikes will generally be over content, not quality, while the likes are going to be around 10% of the readership.

Since you have a nonoffensive beginning/hook the big thing is advertising. Be in the right groups, make the description entice people. In this case, more emphasis on a dark mystery may work, but that's just one idea; you could make it a tiny entry in the journal that's deeper into the narrative and gives hints of what's to come, like "day 200: The apple zombies are winning, no one has seen Rarity since the Boutique was overrun. I hope Luna succeeds in her diplomatic mission to gain the aid of the Vampire griffons, or else all will be lost."

If you haven't, make sure the story is in the groups with your desired audience. And I'm not sure, but the new "similar stories" feature will work in your favor over time, so don't despair if you miss the critical but fickle initial feature-box.

This is well-written, but a real pain to scroll through.

5357584
Well, I like what I see so far. Interestingly written, mysterious, sadly still lacking in kink—but that isn't something that needs to be rushed, Heavens no! However, the mini-chapters will draw some thumbs down. A large part of FimFiction's readership dislikes stories that regularly put out chapters of less than 1000 words. That could explain at least a few downvotes.

... Personally, I have my fingers crossed that Ponyville (and Equestria) is slowly but surely influenced by a magical malady that makes the mares want to find and submit to one of the stallions. With the skewed gender ratio, it should get really interesting. Plus, suggesting possible dom/sub pairings is great fun...

5357687
Thanks for the feedback. I realize the micro-chaptering might be frowned upon, but it won't continue, at least. Entries from here on out (with rare exception) will be lengthy.

5357694
That's good to hear! And again, I rather like what you've put up so far

Also, couldn't help but notice you did not address my other note, hmm? We'll have to wait and see, but if I'm right, Rarity might very well decide to kiss her Spikey-Wikey a little lower next time they meet.

5357726
Oh, I avoided answering that because the future of the story is still a surprise!

5357685
I appreciate the feedback. I'm a little surprised by that, though; do you mean using the "Next" button is annoying? Or do ponies normally try to go back and forth to the ToC menu or something odd like that?

This is creepy so far. I keep expecting something horrible to happen.

And am I the only one who took Cadance's 'Very Disturbing' dreams to mean something like a combination of various ponies being torn apart, rape, flashing lights, static, screams of terror, foals being tortured, before finally fading to black with white noise playing?

5357790
Well, I mainly read fimfic on my phone, and with opera mini due to its unmatched speed of loading, but its no longer supported so it gets all sorts of bugs, like displaying all related stories and blog posts in a long-ass column before the text of each chapter...

5357851
Oh wow. That just sounds awful.

5357817
It's safe to assume that Luna considers Cadance's dreams to be psychologically pathognomonic (assuming Luna is being honest, natch).

how does twilight visit rainbow dash at her house. dash lives on a cloud.

5482168 you shoud know this by now but in this story Twilight is the alicorn that evryone knows and love.

5357817
I'm glad I'm not the only one who was getting those vibes

2nd Viewing

On an unrelated note this fic sorta feels like reverse Shimoneta crossed over with Fall of Equestria.

5482168 cloud walking spell, and that's if she weren't an alicorn.

And the squad is formed

Also I have a corkboard on my wall and I'm just connecting the dots with each entry

8224593
i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/022/524/tumblr_o16n2kBlpX1ta3qyvo1_1280.jpg