• Member Since 24th May, 2014
  • offline last seen May 17th

GoldenCyclone4


Dimensional traveller, Guardian of Air, all around good guy.

T

Tyler, Amy, and Emily were three regular trainers dragged into the third battle against the evil group Cipher and their Shadow Pokemon. And they were able to defeat them... At a high price. With one of his Pokemon partially corrupted by a new type of Shadow Energy, and the sting of betrayal fresh on his mind, Tyler wasn't in the greatest of positions. And then Arceus decided to enact a mass exodus... Now in an unknown world and an unknown body, they must learn to live with these ponies and find a cure to the shadows within.


Side story to zeusdemigod131's A New World, A New Way. This story will be using concepts and characters from Pokemon Colosseum and Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness, including Wes, Rui, Michael, Shadow Pokemon, Cipher, and Snag Machines. Links here and here.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 30 )

Haven't read it yet but it sounds good.
I am however a bit disappointed that another lucario showed up. This is like the 7th I think.

Well, Lucario are popular. Plus, Tyler has Aura powers. What partner do you think would fit that besides a Lucario?

5355834 Funny story there. That's actually an indirect reference. See, awhile back, the people on Lumiose Station did a randomized versus taglocke on Ruby and Sapphire to celebrate ORAS's announcement. PKSparxx, who was on Team Alpha, caught a Charizard and named him Iroh. He later ended up winning the game for Team Alpha. Due to this, and me being a huge fan of PK, I named the Charizard Iroh in his honor. But yeah, that's most likely where PK got the name.

NOTE: Sorry this is so long. If nothing else, at least read the last paragraph.

Well, here's my impression of this so far:
Overall, it's... okay. I've seen a lot better, and I've DEFINITELY seen a lot worse (such as anything I attempt to write).
Really, there are 2 big problems and 1 lesser problem.

1.) There's just too many OC's introduced in too short a time, without enough real information to be able to give each one a recognizable personality. Honestly, this was more of a problem in the Earth half, primarily because so much was happening at once due to it being primarily an action scene, and especially since you started in medias res. Doing so with characters that everyone already knows (i.e. the Mane Six, Ash & Co., etc.) tends to work fine, but trying to pull it off with new characters is nearly impossible. I don't really see a way of fixing it at this point, but just keep it in mind for any future stories. Less characters at once, or more personality building.

2.) Pacing. It's the bane of a writer's existence. I'm sure you've seen it; stories that either go too fast from one scene to the next, and, less commonly, stories where, in an attempt to prevent the pace from being too fast, the author throws in so much pointless crap that the reader has to slog through it all to find the actual story. This story suffers from the first instance. Again, it's more of a problem in the Earth half. The pacing of the action scene itself was fine, but afterwards you practically had a time lapse straight to the next problem. That would have actually been a perfect place to address problem 1. You had a little bit of character building for... Tyler? Or was it Michael? No, I think it was Tyler. You had a little bit of development with him, but not for any of the other characters, and not long enough to effectively take a break between action scenes. Perhaps a scene where they discuss how they feel betrayed by... what's-his-face. Rubin? Ruirik? I know it started with an R...
Again, not much you can do but to keep my advice in mind for the future. Breaks between action scenes are a necessity, and a great opportunity to go into some character development.

3.) Finally, the dialogue just seemed... awkward at some points. Problem is, I can't really point out WHY they seemed awkward, they just... did. I think it might have been the pacing, but I'm not entirely sure. Dialogue is the primary reason why I don't write. I can't write dialogue to save my life. I can (in my opinion) paint a beautiful picture of the scene in the reader's mind, I can write an action scene well enough, but as soon as one of the characters opens there mouth, my story falls apart at the seams. So sadly, I can't really give you any advice on this subject, other than to get a pre-reader or two that knows a bit more about writing than I do.

Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I DO like this story, and I feel it has a lot of promise. If I didn't, I wouldn't have taken the time to write all this. Also, don't feel like you have to listen to everything, or anything, that I've said. Like I've said, I'm not a writer, so for all I know everything I've talked about could be a load of crap. The most important thing to remember when writing is that this is YOUR story; you're simply sharing it with us. So long as YOU enjoy what you're writing, the opinions of others should be of little to no consequence to you. Sure, views and positive reactions are great and all, but if you're writing to make OTHERS happy, but NOT yourself, you're writing for the wrong reasons.

5355649

I know I have nothing to do with this conversation, but maybe having a Riolu instead of a Lucario would work.

First, it would be unique and different. Then, aura would still be possible. Finally, it could be a great way to mix things up in a boring part by evolving him.

Now, I can't provide concrete examples. I haven't read your fic yet. However, it is too late. This was just an answer to your question :3

5356004 Hey, thanks, man. I always enjoy comments like these. Okay, you have a few points, so I'll adress them in order.
1. Yeah, I know, there are a lot of characters. Don't worry, these chapters were more exposition dumps, unfortunately. They will be getting backgrounds, trust me.
2. This is one of the problems with 1st person. You can't develop someone unless they are the character you're writing about or in said character's immediate vicinity. They all will get their shot to shine, though.
3. Don't know what to say about that, honestly. I will do my best to improve the dialogue, though.
Again, thank you for the comment! These help me become a better writer.

5356057 Unfortunately a major event between Tyler and Ruby is when Ruby evolved during a battle. It's already in the back story I have, so it'd be high impossible task play that angle. Thanks for the suggestion though. PS, love your story!

This is a good story but one thing I recommend is to keep with one pov. This is just me but with multiple POVs I just get lost and confused and just skip stuff.

5356199 That's why I've got the little location stamp things whenever I switch perspectives. Don't worry, though. I'll try to keep extremely important events in only one or two POVs.

5356275 I know that but I'm not used to stories that have that, which to me no stories should do that unless it's for a new chapter, so I don't look for that.

Okay, I'm curious. Update as soon as you can!

WHY ARE ANY OF THESE LUCARIO/RIOLU CROSSOVER FICS NEVER FINISHED!?

6142251 I know, I suck... I plan on putting work in soon... I just am terrible at sitting down and writing...

6142442 its not just you, no offense, but it's pretty much every fic that involves lucario or riolu. They all end up not being finished and makes me sad. :fluttershysad:

why did they all become shiny pokemon?
I thought that was just for champions

6428046 Is it? Oh... Well then... Um... Quick, look at this! (Throws a Poke Doll, runs away)

6428384 You will never escape! Angela! get him!!!

6428046 With Wes and Michael it makes sense, canonically they conquered battle mountain, but Rui, Amy, and Tobias it just... Doesn't. Who are they anyway?

6430501 I think you mean Amy, Emily, and Tyler. Alright, I think I've figured out my stance on this. As we know, Order has no official league. Closest thing is Battle Mountain and the Coliseums. But, each of the human characters have saved the region from Cipher, and as you said, the canon characters beat Battle Mountain. So have my OCs, and that will be explored. That will be my reasoning.

Oh, hey, glad to see you continue this, Golden. I'll try to keep this chapter review shorter than I did for the prologue, but no promises. :twilightsheepish:
EDIT: As you can see... I failed

So, a lot of what I had mentioned before applies once again. Events are moving at speeds that'd make Sonic jealous, and the character interactions are just kinda... bland.

The order of events basically went:
1. "Oh, Arceus, I'm a Pokémon!"
2. Almost immediately getting over it
3. "Oh, hey, look, somepony that I conveniently have a way to talk to"
4. "Oh, Arcerus, I'm no longer on Earth!"
5. Almost immediately getting over it
6. "Hey, look, Sunny Day, it must be our friends"
And it was basically the EXACT same thing for ALL 5 GROUPS.
And then, at the very end, everyone is conveniently back to together, even though they were separated for less than a chapter, and their separation contributed nothing to the plot of the story. They may as well have all appeared together, you would have only had to go through the sequence of events once, and you could have spent some time giving the characters a bit more personality.

I get the sense from your writing (and what few comments there are) that these characters are all fairly well developed inside your head. I think the big problem you're having is that you're having trouble placing yourself in your readers' shoes. While all these characters are clearly distinguishable to you, from an outsider's perspective, a lot of the characters come out like, "Hello, my name is Generic Main Character #1." We're simply not as intimate with the characters as you are, so little things can go a long way.

For instance, right now Roxas is by far the most believable character to me, simply because of his little chivalry personality quirk. It's something UNIQUE, something IDENTIFIABLE. It makes him seem like an actual character, with an actual personality, even though it's honestly just a real small thing. It's those little identifiers that distinguish the individuals from each other that really make an audience feel for those characters. And I'm sure those will appear in time, but it'd be best to bring them out sooner rather than later.

But as I mentioned last time, I don't write, I just read, so take what I say with a grain of salt. And remember, writing should primarily be for YOUR enjoyment, not necessarily that of your readers, though despite my complaining, I AM enjoying this. Just try not to make us wait another 9 months, eh?

6432070 Heh... Yeah, school+procrastination= little writing... My bad.
As for what you're saying... Yeah, it does feel way too rushed to me as well. I think after I update Battle Brawlers, I'll come back and really flesh things out. But I think I owe my other story a bit of love first.
Edit: Good luck against Limi, BTW. And you're going down Week 4.

I like this. Almost all of my favorite pokemon are in this. Now all I need is a zoroark. Keep up the good work.

6432203
I would say that I'll make you eat those words, except I've run the calculations and I'm fairly sure you're right :rainbowlaugh:

6432549 Heh. Glacia runs roughshod over more than half your team, dude. You have a MASSIVE Ice Weakness.

I intend to review this story at some point, so maybe some of my constructive criticism will help you out.

I didn't really like this, but Liked and followed anyway.

Plz update!:fluttercry:

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