- Member Since 31st Jan, 2014
- offline last seen April 3rd
lady Phoenix
Hiya, I'm Ana and I'm not what you call normal. Im actual part phoenix. But shhh its a secret! Anyway hope you enjoy my stories, otherwise why are you here reading this? Oh hi Wade, I loved the film
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Ok, that was good
5182437 Thanks :)
5182443 of course, my friend.
Welp. You need an editor, that much is certain. You got some spelling mistakes and grammatical errors spotted throughout your story.
Sex was decent, obviously your first time. You will get better with experience.
Learn to write without using parentheses (). If you can use those to describe something, you can manipulate sentences more to make the story more descriptive. Parentheses always breaks away from the immersion. Same with actually spelling out numbers.
"I had fourty-two sausages ready for this party."
Will always be superior to
"I had 42 sausages ready for this party."
You also need to remember characterisation. Luna would never say "ain't". Most of the English speaking world outside of America never uses that form of slang, let alone a Lunar Goddess obsessed with Shakespearian speech.
Maybe it is because I have been around a long time but cock vore isn't too uncommon in the vore world :P
Good attempt, you have potential.
The intro had a moment that felt a bit awkward in flow but once you got into the story proper it was great. good job
Good job for your first try.
5182538 Yeah writing and reading isn't my strong point. And thanks for the honesty. And it is in the future, so Luna would be better with her speaking, but I put in a few old words in here and there. Not too much in the future like 1 or 2 years to what the show is now.
5182571 Thanks
5182569 Yeah.... agree. Well thanks anyways
Moar?
wha
Needs CV waring killed the story for me
This wasn't bad despite the mass of errors in the grammar and spelling department. Don't see much of this vore here on the site or maybe I've been looking in the wrong places. It's easy to see this is your first time in writing and clop - then again we all had to start somewhere and I'm not much of a clop writer so I can't rightly criticise yours - but if you keep at it, you'll get better or maybe ask other clop writers that write similar things to your stories for tips and advice.
5182578
I get your point about speaking a few years down the line, but unless she is hanging out with Applejack then she is probably going to be more cultured. She does have to deal with Canterlot Elite.
Just keep it in mind.
5183219 Yeah, I figured that by the groups it was in. Thanks for the warning and confirming my suspicions.
5183732 vore is a fetish but not all vorephiles like the same vore. But yeah this is CV
I think that there is literally an error every sentence.
Well. That happened.
5183219 But I put it as mature and sex, and I put in the description what it is.
5183238 Yeah.... when it comes to stuff about this kind of topic (sex or vore), I'm about as shy as Fluttershy. So doing this is kinda big for me
files.gamebanana.com/img/ico/sprays/50bfe63223b02.png
5183711 Well, she could have been. But she has been hanging out with Anon, sooo yeah.
5184361 It has warning in short and long description and has the tag mature and sex, what more of a warning do you want :)
5184376 Lol, I see that.
But,
files.gamebanana.com/img/ico/sprays/50bfe63223b02.png
Just
Happened?
---
p.gr-assets.com/540x540/fit/hostedimages/1395955342/9068285.jpg
5184357 Yes but even on vore sites. The give futa and CV warring witch you didn't. Others do. Mature just means a ether Gore or/and sex in explicit detail. You need the non tag labels so people looking for the stuff can find it.
5184477 How do I make it a CV then?
5184491 in your long description yo put. "This story contains CV vore and Futa don't read if these offend you or you dis like them."
5183814 I like some vore, but I figured it was CV from the combination of a vore group, a futa group, and a growth group.
5184960 it wasn't in the group's when I read it.
5184857 Is that it, I don't it was in setting or something. But just incase, I will do that. And if anyone reads it even after its in the short and long description and still reads it, then it's their own fault :)
5184960 I didn't put it in the growth group, sooo yeah. But technically she growths a bit after, but not her hole body.
Sequel with anon voring Luna please :)
Moar!
You could do detailed chapters of each time they did each apect for the first time. Also, when you listed the affected attributes of vore, you missed breast vore.
5185567 hehe oh yeah. But then again I also missed out tail and absorption, and there are probably more as well. But vore isn't really my thing. I did this because, why not
Another one may be horn? or would that be under absorption? meh.
5185643 I wouldn't really put Luna in for Tail vore or absorption. Neither really seem her style. Horn vore would be something reserved for after the marriage though, because I imagine it would be like a horn-job from the inside.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
5186618 weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/what-the-fuck-did-i-just-read.jpg
5189882 There's plenty of warnings, Sooo "Deal With It!"
That's it? Really? It's over? Then wtf was the point of having Anon grow a horn?!
5194527 If you read the comment at the bottom, it said for a while. Meaning there won't be an update for a some time. I might never do another chapter, I might do, I can't see the future. So I never say never. And the reason he got the horn, is because when digesting it could mean they got some trait from the digested person. In this case a horn.
5196951 by point, I meant the reason why he grew a horn, as in the purpose it serves in the story. I meant WHY, not how.
5196981 Why not, maybe this will give other as to how maybe humans can get their magic. Maybe it has an effect on the story in the future, and just maybe it means nothings.
This is reeeealy messed up, but it's not my fetish so perhaps I shouldn't judge.
5197929 Not mine either, only did it because, why not.
5184972 I was just saying how I figured it out. It's not like I expect that to be the norm.
But yeah, thankfully there is a trigger warning now.
Now all I can see in my head is anon coming (lol) out as an alicorn, due to you mentioning that males are very rare.
1st it is very important to always reread what you have written before you are done with it. You should read out loud to yourself, or go very slowly paying close attention to each word, otherwise your mined can easily put in what it thinks should be there, rather then what is really there. Doing so will likely catch many of your grammar mistakes, and instances such has the first line where "Laying on her back on her back".
2nd I say no one should try to use old English unless they actually know how. I myself don't know very much but I do know tis is present tense and twaz is past tense. In the first line of the second paragraph it should be twaz not tis
3rd thank you for writing this.
Oookay then what the fuck
It's quite obvious you don't have the best grasp of English grammar, so trying to use "Ye Olde" (Shakespearean Dialect) isn't the best choice. A proofreader would do you well. I like this story, but a lot of the grammar errors are a bit hard to take. If you like, I can give you several pointers. Just name the time and place, and I'll be happy to.
5459388 Well, being dyslexic doesn't help lol. And I've been searching for a proof reader