draygan
Joined 4th Mar, 2014 ·
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Uhm, so you see... I shall attempt to make a genuine literary comment on... this...
There is no background, no details as to why AJ and Big Mac are even involved in this rather... unique... contest.
Nor why it's legal. Seriously, this is a very large affair; there must be some reason the Princesses aren't at all concerned that many of their subjects are ending up as... how shall I put it... reproductive secretions.
Anyway, there's not even some sort of satirical reason: The derby is used as a form of 'natural selection' to thin out the ponies inbred/stupid/insane enough to voluntarily sign up for something with a 90% fatality rate.
You see, that's where a little something called 'the plot' shows up and explains why the reader should suspend their disbelief (and good god does this story require some damned good reasons) and be actually engaged with the narrative.
For what there is, it's actually not badly written, grammatically speaking... which is the only thing that kept me reading. I was stunned to see such a blatantly unapolagetic fetish fic with this much attention to the technical details. But it needs more to be a truly 'complete' work. The characters need motivation. WHY are they willing to risk certain death? What is there to gain? Were they deceived? If so, why not appeal to the Higher Power (of which there are 4 in Equestria), who would all certainly intercede in a fraudulent and deadly contest (which means the deception route is not one to use, unless the twist comes that the Princesses are sponsors... which means you need a twisted version of the Princesses: Molestia, Nightmare Luna (who loves gobbling up ponies... in all manner of ways), Crazy Obsessed Twilight with a hidden fetish, and Nympho-Cadance, who finds delight in every twisted form of gratification.)
Basically, you have the basic skill to make a real story out of this basic fetish notion if you care to give it some careful thought and outlines, and consider your backstory for internal plausibility of the events and outcomes.
Anyway, that's my absurd overanalysis of this insane little clop fic.
4274485 Thank you very much for your review. You do bring up a few good points about expanding the background and the universe to explain why things happened the way they did.
As such, there never was and never will be any such expansion. This was a one-off story that I wrote due to the odd discussion in an IRC room. It really was a 'clop for the sake of clop' fetish story. I do want to point out one important thing:
Despite it being fetish material, I'm still a college graduate that did a lot, and I mean A LOT of writing. Grammar is always important in ANYthing that I'm writing.
My other stories (well most) SHOULD have more to the plot and background to it, though most will be fetish related.
4281607 You should totally do one where I... I mean, Rainbow Dash gets CV'd by futa Gilda!
That would be the hottest... *crashing and banging in the background* Hey! I was tryin... *incomprehensible rantings and more banging*
*Alondro reappears* Dammit, Dash! Get your own account! Sorry about that. Dash's obsession with becoming a griffin, or part of a griffin... in any way possible... is getting seriously out of hoof! Twilight should never have demonstrated that transformation spell. *shakes head* It was a psychological trigger for Dash's mental illness.
I fear she must be locked in the loony bin!
(So much meta...)
4283898 Actually, thanks to a certain pic series I recently saw on derpibooru, I'm thinking of doing a Gilda/Dash unbirth story.
4286233 *Dash shivers wildly for a moment, imagining herself in such a desirable situation, then gasps and glances down* I CAME!!
...
)
..
.
Now I am kind of wondering what would happen if Big Mac won...
..
And which ending is canon? (I know my pick
So Gilda/Dash next? I know who to follow then..
4289864 Ending 1 is the true, canon ending.
God damn.
Is it bad that I wanted Big Mac to win
So correct me if am wrong but with this method of reformation Big Mac would came back bigger? Like his second time as a foal he'd be like twice as big as the first time he was born right?
This ending sucks. Checking the other two.
I love this ending. Still checking the last one. And Lord Olympius is right. Big Mac should've come back as a bigger foal or as an adult maybe without his memories.
4292832 But ending 3 is the best ending. Poor Big Mac.
7950357
"Bad End"
>This ending sucks.