Ok, that was good

5182437 Thanks :)

5182443 of course, my friend.

Welp. You need an editor, that much is certain. You got some spelling mistakes and grammatical errors spotted throughout your story.

Sex was decent, obviously your first time. You will get better with experience.

Learn to write without using parentheses (). If you can use those to describe something, you can manipulate sentences more to make the story more descriptive. Parentheses always breaks away from the immersion. Same with actually spelling out numbers.

"I had fourty-two sausages ready for this party."

Will always be superior to

"I had 42 sausages ready for this party."

You also need to remember characterisation. Luna would never say "ain't". Most of the English speaking world outside of America never uses that form of slang, let alone a Lunar Goddess obsessed with Shakespearian speech.

Maybe it is because I have been around a long time but cock vore isn't too uncommon in the vore world :P

Good attempt, you have potential.

The intro had a moment that felt a bit awkward in flow but once you got into the story proper it was great. good job

Good job for your first try.

5182538 Yeah writing and reading isn't my strong point. And thanks for the honesty. And it is in the future, so Luna would be better with her speaking, but I put in a few old words in here and there. Not too much in the future like 1 or 2 years to what the show is now.

5182571 Thanks

5182569 Yeah.... agree. Well thanks anyways

Moar?

wha

Needs CV waring killed the story for me

This wasn't bad despite the mass of errors in the grammar and spelling department. Don't see much of this vore here on the site or maybe I've been looking in the wrong places. It's easy to see this is your first time in writing and clop - then again we all had to start somewhere and I'm not much of a clop writer so I can't rightly criticise yours - but if you keep at it, you'll get better or maybe ask other clop writers that write similar things to your stories for tips and advice.

5182578

I get your point about speaking a few years down the line, but unless she is hanging out with Applejack then she is probably going to be more cultured. She does have to deal with Canterlot Elite.

Just keep it in mind.

5183219 Yeah, I figured that by the groups it was in. Thanks for the warning and confirming my suspicions.

5183732 vore is a fetish but not all vorephiles like the same vore. But yeah this is CV

I think that there is literally an error every sentence.

Well. That happened.

5183219 But I put it as mature and sex, and I put in the description what it is.

5183238 Yeah.... when it comes to stuff about this kind of topic (sex or vore), I'm about as shy as Fluttershy. So doing this is kinda big for me

files.gamebanana.com/img/ico/sprays/50bfe63223b02.png

5183711 Well, she could have been. But she has been hanging out with Anon, sooo yeah.

5184361 It has warning in short and long description and has the tag mature and sex, what more of a warning do you want :)

5184376 Lol, I see that.

But,
files.gamebanana.com/img/ico/sprays/50bfe63223b02.png
Just
Happened?

---
p.gr-assets.com/540x540/fit/hostedimages/1395955342/9068285.jpg

5184357 Yes but even on vore sites. The give futa and CV warring witch you didn't. Others do. Mature just means a ether Gore or/and sex in explicit detail. You need the non tag labels so people looking for the stuff can find it.

5184477 How do I make it a CV then?

5184491 in your long description yo put. "This story contains CV vore and Futa don't read if these offend you or you dis like them."

5183814 I like some vore, but I figured it was CV from the combination of a vore group, a futa group, and a growth group.

5184960 it wasn't in the group's when I read it.

This is reeeealy messed up, but it's not my fetish so perhaps I shouldn't judge.

Now all I can see in my head is anon coming (lol) out as an alicorn, due to you mentioning that males are very rare.

1. I now need to bleach my brain. & 2. EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

Luna has always wanted you to "come" inside.

this is the best CV ive read in a while