doomboom1234
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JAZZ HANDS! ┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘
Will be a critique here:
"Wen I past the light I was blind by the sudden change of luminosity that I didn’t see the ground and by the impact knock me out cold." Forgot the h in When
"Wen I woke up my head felt like a watermelon about to explode so I assumed that I took the fall head first. Slightly in daze I analysed my surrounding."
Forgot the h in When again, and analysed has a 'z' analyzed.
Now instead of repeatedly telling you about the spelling errors, I'll put some work onto the actual writing itself. (Not the grammar)
Refrain from using parenthesis unless you really need to.
Ex:
"After a couple minutes the (lion bat thing) lost the interest in me and walk away. Happy that I was alive, I managed to get up (painfully) with the help of a stick that was close to my face."
Corrected (at least better)
"After a couple of minutes, the lion bat thing lost interest in me, and walked away. Happy that I was alive, I managed to get up painfully with the help of a stick which laid near my face." If you wanted to keep the parenthesis, and the structure of the sentences, then I'll try and make one.
"After a couple of minutes, it (the lion bat thing) lost interest in me, and walked away. Happy that I was alive, I managed to get up (painfully) with the help of a stick that was close to my face."
It's up to you to change that part. It was just weird to have parenthesis used in those areas. Pretty cool though, I'm a sucker for HiE's. Congrats on your first FIMFiction story! Hope it goes well for you like how it has for me!
29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1irn7PgeY1qko1rio1_400.jpg
Fave and liked. Swell just swell and I hope that you improve on this as Thunder Seethe said. This like all the others are full of potential but I think you kind of took it a little to fast and didn't take time to explain some of the events fully like when he just fell. Either way this was great but just needs some improving and with that said good luck with your first fic!
Pretty Good.
thank you all for the support
By what the words say it seem to be taking afterward it happened as it was a memory. That is a good idea by the way. And still nice first story.
That's very interesting.
I'm ignoring the errors cause, I'm guilty of 'em too. I just wrote my 1st story today so I'm still confused on my own behalf
Do you need a proof-reader?
no thank you but I happy that you offer to help.
thanks for like and favoriting my story
I liked it!
Great job
excallent job!
Spelling could be a bit better but, I find myself doing some spelling mistakes once in a while.
Quiet enjoyed it and liked to see more of this particular story!
I didn't know ponies were light enough for you to just carry.
Nice, it's just needs a few things to worked on. Like the names, you write them with lower-case letters; or the quotes of the actual speaker, put it in a new line.
But as I said, except these and some other small problems, it's good!
uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh
that was alot of randomness.
thou haste made a good story, wilt thou keepest it up?
(you have made a good story, will you keep it up?)
of course! its just that I have a lot of renevation in my house and I have little time free
dont worry I am still working on the next chapter and it will come out soon enough
Spike will be jelaous...
You don't want a jelaous dragon attacking you...
You are doing very well with your grammar compared to before! Keep up the good work please!
its cool we still understand what you mean.
Louis has magic fingers!
Or it's because his skin is soft and warm (no pun intended!)...
Louis, you should watch out for
win luna over with a massage
if he took a job at the spa place would that mean he would have to pretend to be you know... a little fruity.
haha, ahh, brilliant. Keep up the good work. I'm liking where this is going.
sorry to say i dont remember what happened so far im gona just have to read it again im sure itl be enjoyable because i faved it in the first place.
the story is going great so far keep up the good work
Ha! Pinkie as a sex beast, that's gonna be interesting. I really hope you keep writing this story, Is really good so far.
HA!
KEEP IT UP THIS IS A GREAT STORY!!
First Lyra comes with her human addiction, then Louis gives her horn a.. handjob?... Then Pinkie consumes the result....Well, if this isn't hilarious, then nothing.
DO MORE!!!!!!
COOL
Still loving it. i think pinkie should've let him stay at her place since she likes kissing him so much
few missing words and a misspelled one. but good story so far.
Hmmm, let me guess, something will happen on that walk, huh?
If you were able to make reactions like this from the normal ponies, then what will a princess do?...
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im enjoiying it alot. please continue good sir
It was almost clop category and Molestia at the end....
Duuuude, continue as soon as possible!
Dude, you'll become a sex-symbol if you keep doing whatever you do...
Well, if you plan to make a Marepocalypse chapter (where all the mares goes in heat ONCE) then you'll die... by snu-snu...
xD
not snu-snu
cool still want more tho
hahaha brilliant.
Soon you'll have all da mares XD
Ooh, you remembered the fish. That elevates you above zillions of other HiE writers.
You are still Gary Stu but the story keeps me entertaied, continue please!
It continues! Yay!
I hope it doesn't take too long
That is great to hear. And I can't wait to see what new chapters await us.
1274576 If you get bored you can go see my other FIMFIC witch I am now working on
Human generosity
AWESOME
woo! awesome!
cannot wait
Good to see a new chapter.. and as usual, you should give it to a prereader before paosting! :)