Ghostdad7
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ahem.
Huh, How the hell do I critique this?
Hmm, Ill start with the idea.
It's a great idea, a great spin on the whole "Elements of Harmony are messiahs" trope. Kinda dig the whole plotline as a whole. But characterization REALLY needs some work. John's basically a character we're gonna have to learn to deal with and tolerate no matter what. Tyrant-Celestia pissed me off, so I guess you got that part down, Reminded me way too much of Hitler and the Waffen SS. Idea has potential, so I guess I'll keep an Eye on this story.
Your pacing is weird, You start off with running away, than skip to history for five seconds, then back to present. The fuck? I know it's important to put some key details in there, but that part of the slavery could have been said at the start, better to get it out of the way.
Your Grammar and language usage need work. And Try not to put (I can't get this part, so deal with it) in there, really throws off the reading. My advice is getting a Proofreader or an editor that is actually COMPETENT With the English Language.
All in all, a five out of ten. A great spin on the HiE cliche, but needs a lot of polish.
This Story Sucks
1502608
Edit: That was overly harsh of me and I apologize.
This story has too many tags. Like, three to four tags too many.
I want to see more of it.
1503803
Alrighty then which tags should i get rid of
1502025
Yeah I really need a proof reader but unless someone volunteers or something (plus not sure how to send it to the said person)
Alright fixed SOMEthings with the story
okay why am i getting hate from this is it because of grammar and spelling mistakes AGAIN if anyone is WILLING they can be a proofreader for me
JB just so you know i found the ending hilarious
lol i still want to see more
DAMIT more dislikes i thought the ending would win them over
Explanations are a go
thanks for the insight
Damn i forgot to add something oh well FIXED
AHHHHHH CRAMPS GO AWAY I AM TYPING THIS WITH ONLY ONE HAND
Comment? Comments? nope none COMMENT PLEASE
20 bits to John in the fight. He has been slave for 15 years and i bet now more than well how the guards act in combat, and I bet the guards will hold on a little because of confidence and his age. Also respect the figure, I will said is Chrisalis, she detect the love of Jane as well of her corruption.
By the way, how is Chrisalis in the other world, and for that matter how is Gilda?
Other than that is a good chapter, please update the next one soon, I like to see the relationship of John and Luna bloom, that should be interesting.
1590415
DAMNIT I knew I was missing something evil/nice charecters in the explainations chapter Gotta update Explanations chapter thanks to you.
In my humble opinion, Jake will end beating the guards like some ragdolls.
Since he was a slave for the major part of his life, losing control woudn't be that hard, with the help of our evil friend.
Hmm somehow there is a sixth chapter.
Anyways do continue. Bring in tha romance!
1616079
What do you mean by sixth chapter that is the sixth chapter
Oh and also how did you think the battle went and is my character becoming a Mary Sue so many worries as an author it's annoying
Ok, so John has some of Discord power (is the only reason in the how did he can manage to do all of that)
And that thing with Celestia, well dude you kind of rushed, I mean for cry out loud, they now for a record of have a day, maybe a full day. And I pretty sure, T.C, make sure that he fell extremely angry at Celestia at all time. Build up a little man.
PS: If he can do that then why didn't he kill T.C, I think there was plenty of anger
1618012
That shall all be explained later.
yay another chapter.
so thats why he ran away
jane is now evil 
can't wait for what you have in store next
Did John, or Jane meet Trixie at some point? Or maybe Zecora? I curious about how there opposites would look like
Lightingace Good question and I will continue on with th story when I get three or four questions not countiing yours
I need MORE QUESTIONS
Lol monty python reference.
This just plain Sucks no Offense
Roflmao I personally loved the ending. keep up the awesome work
1692351
Yeah Shaded is going to make a LOT of refrences to tv shows and movies.
1667097 what about flim and flam and cadence what were they like and what other stuff can john do that he picked up as a slave
so the moral of the story is don't anger an immortal being that is in a bad mood
LET'S WATCH THE CHOAS!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! CLIFF HANGER Y U NO DISSAPEAR!?!?! DDD::::<<<<<<
Fake bits? Just shouting here
Maybe invisible spray!! -Spongebob Classic
lol
No, the name is bane.
...What?
I do to
*deep breath*