doomboom1234
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Human? Injured Twilight and Fluttershy? Mature tag?
I'm kinda scared here
Tracking. Hoping it's going to be good.
705217 me too
Cookie cutter start not impressed yet.
If the creepy description wasn't bad enough, the shoddy grammar is. I'm not touching it.
I laughed incredibly hard at this line
"So are you finish fapping to your ponies"
I mean what?
a nice start one or two spelling mistakes but i like it hope to see this continue
Apart from the REALLY scary tags, that story seems to have potential.
However, you need a proofreader. Badly.
No offense, but English isn't my first language and I was troubled at times because of typos ^^'
Also, may I suggest you to use more synonyms and describe scenes a bit more? It felt...rushed...
I don't want to give you the wrong idea, I liked this story. I just think it needs lots of polish.
Sound fishy but who cares
Heavy approves this story... just barely
Ok.... i'm going to watch this just to have a full view on this story. Begining is quite deterrent for me. Whole conversation Son-Father looked more like normal joking with each other. I am suprised that it was supposed to be a heart breaking scene.
meh it seemed alright, i just want to see what happens now
just please work on grammar n spelling and u should be fine 
You can't get the punctuation right in your summery, and you didn't capitalize names. I don't have much faith in your story at all. You're grammar is atrocious, also.
keep going
I see potential but could use serious work in grammar and punctuation.
Seems promising but you need to get a pre reader, badly! You should also work on fleshing out the scenes a bit more. And slow your pace. It's going too fast. Implement this and it should be alright.
705217
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/311/672/29c.jpg
Be afraid... be very afraid.
IN A CARDBOARD BOX!
this is so thrown out of wack, clear you're mind and think, go back revise...more than once (it always helps) christ this was hard to read (no offense), also try using vivid descriptions, not to the point where it gets rediculous like some other stories but the more detail, the better. ALSO:
“More?” those words told me that they already encounter other humans but they were not the friendly type. For a second, I told myself ‘Who would hurt such gentle creatures’. I shook my head bringing (Please insert 'myself' here) back to reality. I had to get them to trust me.
“Not all humans are bad. Only a few of them has their heart corrupted with greed.” I explained to her but she still feared me.
Now, put yourself in Shy's shoes or horseshoes. (“Not all humans are bad.) The first question on my mind would be wtf is a human? (Only a few of them has their heart corrupted with greed.”) oh yeah, thats really gonna calm me down, my friends dying, im cold, tired and hungry and to top it off you are explaining something to me that I don't understand.
I would explain to her/say something like "Its okay, I promise you I am not going to hurt you, I'm here to help". and lead to "Look, you're friends in a pretty bad shape, I need to take a look at her so that I can help her. Is that Okay?"
Please please please go back and take a look at the story.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4tcvlUWkL1rqtegbo1_500.png
To put it in simple terms, this is a very interesting start, looking forward to seeing more chapters! :)
I will find myself a proofreader and I will remake the first chapter
but it will take time so be patient.
the plot of the story was interesting but it seemed rushed and some bits didn't make much sense because of the typos or missing words
this was a bit rushed but i never judge based on the first chapter. it has a lot of potential and i'd like to see where this goes.
No way in hell are my parents going to find out im a clopper... plus my dad isnt a dick like that
wtfcontent.com/img/131392620503.jpg I am Heavy Weapons Guy and I approve this story
You definitely fixed the pacing in this chapter. Fluttershy should be a little more shy. Twilight would probably be more cautious in this situation than usual so i'm fine with the way you have her.
It's a great story with lot's of potential. I'm looking forward to the next chapter
Very good story so far. Keep it up.
I like it. Chapters could be longer, but that's just me.
727934 actually i think in the story the mother assumed they were life sized plush.
730870
But why would she acknowledge the fact that he said they needed his help and were injured?
705925 "Whats with the box?" *pulls up cardboard box notices you in it*
next update please and don't get sick please hope you get better
While I'm still not entirely convinced by this story so far, I must say this is getting better and better with each chapter.
You seem to be learning a lot from the comments, which is a great thing^^
If I had an advice...Most of the stuff happening feels rushed. Take more time to explain every situation and the characters' reactions, it will seems more fluid to the reader.
Keep going, I'm sure you can make a great story, you just need another chapter or two to perfect your writing.
Oh boy.... To Injured Ponys In some guys house, alone with him for a week with no parents. This Is Scary....
I was hoping for a 'in your face dad' moment also I think that the parents didn't go to a honeymoon... not saying anymore for the fear of being right. But please update soon I really want to see that moment where his dad finds out that their real.
Final notes please no two relationships I keep finding them even when I think they're not one of them. (Fluttershy relationship please) now then I guess two more hours before I get up from a good nights 'rest'
727817 nice manwich i like mine will a little TNT
inb4 they're actually plushies and he's gone insane.
Yay! new update! And it's an awesome Daaawwww chapter too! Too bad it's so short but it's still a lovely piece of work. Thank you! I'm lookin forward to many more chapters
yea, this is one of the fics I read to get that happy warm feeling and relax, alot of my other fics are serious. Would love to see this more often.
Awesome.
aahhh finally! You know, I realy like Ponys on Earth Storys, but yours is the only one I found on Fim
But now your back!!!!
good cpt, like the Twi read a DVD scene 
Sweet chapter.
I SHALL SING FOR YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE... even if it is fireflies...
That was so lovely! Oh it's so romantic it's almost painful
The chapter's are good in my opinion but a little too short for my taste though. Still lookin forward for many more updates! Thanks for another awesome chapter. Keep up the good work!!
The grammar mistakes are jarring, but it's still looking good!
good show old chap now excuse me while I try to get rid of this 'soilder' of mine who won't go at ease (lol I just had to say it)
Now then in all seriousness, D'AAAAAWWWWWWW
hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng death from so much D'AW
Ok, I am part of the Criticism Central Group, and I DO NOT come In peace. I'm going to name some things, not all, but some of the thing that are wrong with your story. Alright? Alright, Alright!
1. Even If your Grammar Isn't Horrible, Its still pretty bad. What Type of writing software do you use?
2. PACING MAN! GET WITH THE F***IN' PROGRAM! But seriously, your going WAAAAY To fast! Your on the fifth chapter and Fluttershy Is already making out with your character, FLUTTERSHY! SERIOUSLY!?! (I will continue on THAT particular subject In a bit) I wouldn't really mind If this was happening after say... Five 10'000-20'000-30'000 word chapters, that stretch over the time period of a month, or, hell, a week at least! And before you make a rebutle on how there are no storys like that, there are and If you want proof just ask... Anyway, MOVING ON!
3. Twilight and Fluttershy are SCARILY out of Character! Seriously, after not even a full 24 hours, Flutters has come up with more courage then she has In her Entire life. Not sure If you are familiar with this but... Her name is FlutterSHY! Secondly, I highly doubt that even saving her life, would result In a 15 Minute make out session. You would probably get a lot of Quiet 'thank you's and a lot of Crying. Twilight, well, she needs a little more work, but I guess you got her down for the most part, but still... F***IN SCARY!
4. Wouldn't you think they would have a hard time taking In the fact they are a figment of someone, a creature they never knew even existed even, elses Imagination? Twilight would be asking a LOT more questions. Just Sayun.
5. Chapter lenght, Oh My F(SQUWAK!)ING GOD! Scuse my french but ANYTHING UNDER 1000 WORDS DOES NOT COUNT AS A CHAPTER!
Its like walking Into a resturant and ordering a salad! You don't fucking do It! A salad(Or In your case, a chapter under 1000 words) Is supposed to be a sign of good things to come, like a blog post. When I browse storys and I see a fic with five chapters and just a little over 5000 words, I don;t wanna read It. Good chapters are 3000-4000 Words long, even If your story sucks baboon ass, the amount of content makes It better.
Thats It, my rant Is over, well almost, Pardon me for a second ...... ARGH!
Ok, now I'm done.
I give your story a 3.5 out of 10, and I'm being generous (Lol, pun) because I have a soft spot for HumanXFluttershy and HumanXTwilight. Il also be hanging around to see how you Improve.
So...... FIX IT! ..... Or Else Painis Cupcake will find you....
-MyDigitalHazard Out
1029500 thank you for the critic but you must understand that I am only doing this for my own amusement. this is just for fun
. so please deal with it
1029500 You use caps a lot more then is required.
While my two biggest nitpicks about this story are the chapter length and the sometimes cringe inducing grammar, the rest of it doesn't bother me to much. They aren't exactly in character but not really so far out of it that it is a major issue. Pacing is also too fast but that's because of the chapter length. This is clearly the work of an ammeter writer but isn't that part of the point of this website?
Now some actual advice for your story. First off have you and your friend Benjeman read this story OUT LOUD to each other. The chapter are only 1000 words long and it would take you both 3-5 minutes to read each one back and forth. I promise this will solve 99% of your grammar/spelling problems. And if he doesn't live close to you, get Skype and read it over that.
Try to improve on your chapters length, the part where Fluttershy falls could have greatly improved descriptions. I don't care how light she is, she had to have been moving fast. Getting hit in the chest by ANYTHING over 5 pounds going that fast would knock the !@#% out of you.
Always try to find ways to improve, I'm going to guess that's why your writing. It could also be just for fun but why not get better at it as well? Read through your old work and see what could have been done better, it will help you for next time you go to write something.
That's all, Everestt signing off, have a eeyup.