This story is a sequel to Rekindling Happiness
Spitfire felt much better after being cheered up by Soarin, but there is still much on her mind. As she contemplates the world while watching the sunset, Soarin joins her, and the two reminisce about the past. What neither of them expect is that their bond will become much stronger through this experience.
The following story is being kept up despite its quality. This is because people convinced me to do so as a learning experience of sorts. If you're looking for a good story, this is not it. Just a fair warning.
Chapters (1)
Cool story bro
You asked, so I'm going to be real with you here. Brace yourself.
You have been warned.
Right as you open up the story, you have some telling.
You also have some very shallow descriptions.
Repeated word. Out of all the words in the English language, you really don't have to repeat this this close to this other instance of this. See my point? XD
And some unnecessary passive voice.
Overall, a shaky start. Let's go on.
Paragraph two goes on and begins with some exposition.
Pretty much this entire paragraph (still talking about 2 here) is what you call an info dump. Basically, you are just dumping the main conflict of the story right here. It should have been done much slower, more drawn out, and with dialogue (either partly or in whole).
More telling.
In direct address you place a comma before the name.
Even more telling.
Spitfire opens up too quickly, for me. She the captain; she's above that. Also, why does she stutter? It's a simple enough question.
More telling.
This is what you call Talking Heads. Look down at the words. See anything at all that tells you what their bodies are doing? That's bad. I'm sure they're doing something besides existing.
Ouch. This almost hurt. It feels really, really forced. No one talks like that.
I would keep going, but I don't have the time. Either way, it looks like these errors are a constant throughout your story—the major ones, anyways. (The story is riddled with telling, talking heads, and info dumps.) So once you learn how to see these, you can catch them by yourself.
Overall, the story is poor and needs a large amount of polish before it can shine. All writing is, however, good practice, so don't lose hope.
I will be happy to answer any questions, so feel free to ask them.
Enjoy an hour of my time. (a.k.a. Please don't delete this.) And feel free to check out one of my stories.
An enjoyable read.
MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Evening Skies of Nostalgia
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros
The idea of a park bench atop a cliff above a beach creates a nicely isolate atmosphere to allow for intimacy between the characters.
Good characterization of Dumbbell as a bullying jerk who isn't smart enough to even come up with good insults.
I the beginning it has an almost Waiting for Godot quality.
Cons
I think it fails to reach the reader on an emotional level. Stories about characters telling stories are challenging because you have a second layer of suspension of disbelief to penetrate.
You have a lot of bald dialog where the characters speak back and forth without being identified and without mentioning things like facial expressions and other non-verbal cues and responses. Even when nothing is happening, create action! Even at the end, "In that last story, I wrapped my wing around you." That's very important and should have been introduced through action. It would have given you a change to break up the story. Also, the italics are generally reserved for introspection or internal dialog. Here you are using them in lieu of dialog. The characters should be saying these things to one another with action interspersed, even if it is just one of them looking out at the beach while listening to the other.
The declaration of love at the end is so matter of fact and it is accepted without much emotional exercise. That's the climax of the story; something has to happen there other than "By the way, I love you too," followed by a pucker and a peck.
Soarin-Spitfire is a good potential romance, but you really need to go after the "competent , overachieving leader falls in love with breezy, overconfident subordinate." You could take a page from Top Gun on that one.
I hope this was helpful to you! Please help me out by looking at Pretzels. Thanks!
4636259 You managed to make it to the end?
Anyways, thanks for subjecting yourself to this story to give me advice. I'll be sure to check out your story sometime today. Anyways, do you have advice or examples on how to avoid bald dialogue? It's one thing I struggle with, so any help would be appreciated.
4636723 "Can you help me with my dialog?" Manaphy's eyes held an expression of desperate pleading.
"There's nothing in writing that can't be improved through the application of a few beers." Charelzzz stood and limped over to the refrigerator, and returned with a couple of Corona Lights. "Here you go," said the large, grey haired engineer, twisting off the caps and setting one in front of his supplicant.
"But I'm not twenty-one yet!" Manaphy looked at the amber liquid with something like fear.
"Dude, it's fiction; don't sweat it." Charelzzz raised his bottle to the younger man's and clinked it. "The key is to remember that during a conversation, things are constantly happening, even if nothing significant to the plot is happening. Describe the characters and the nonverbal parts of the conversation." Charelzzz opened his hand while speaking as though to reveal a secret held within.
Manaphy's eyes widened in sudden comprehension. "Oh, I get it!" He smiled picked up the beer and held it aloft. "Wow, this stuff sure works!"
"It did wonders for Hemingway." The two friends brohoofed and spent the rest of the afternoon drinking beer and watching MLP on Netflix.
4636871 Best. Example. Ever. Thank you so much!
This story was great! I saw what you said on looking for editors and this is what I have to say; it was an enjoyable read and I loved it except for one part. The way soarin confessed his love for spitfire just kind of seemed flat. It felt like there should be some more emotion he was kind if like: I love you. And spitfire was like: oh I didn't know that... I love you too. So maybe if you just make it harder for him to confess and her a little more shocked it might make it better. All in all, fantastic and far better than I could do!
4639852 Actually, it's rather terrible. A rating of 14-3 is mediocre, but you're welcome to your own opinion. The only reason I keep this stain up is because I was told to do so as a learning experience. In all honesty, it's surprising that its rating isn't even worse.