• Member Since 8th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen March 3rd

Dinkledash


E

Pinke Pie makes pretzels and something goes wrong. Really, really wrong.

I don't know if this is a slice of life or an adventure... I tried to make it as much like an episode as I could but it has fighting in it, like many episodes do.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 26 )

It was a recipe for disaster, a tablespoon of one big mess.

"I totally didn't see this coming," she said, glancing in the direction of the reader.

:trixieshiftleft:
...
:trixieshiftright:
...
You should read the chapter before Pinkie.

[INSERT WITTY BAKED GOODS JOKE HERE]

Overall, a good story that I enjoyed enough to give a like. I just have a few things I feel need saying, though not acted upon in this story.

There were some parts of the story in which the jokes about stereotypes and baking puns were a bit too forced, sacrificing some quality to add some unnecessary humour. Nothing worth losing sleep over and I'm not telling you where exactly so you don't feel the need to change it. It's fine and didn't ruin the story for me.

I felt that the fight at the end could have been used much more effectively. I would normally see this as an issue and lose interest, but it turned out well. It wasn't long enough, which I only have a slight problem with. The reason I noticed it at all was that you could have used the fight to your advantage as an author. There are many possibilities you could have exploited, thus adding some creative flair. That could have been a longer, much more intense climax to this story of yours, and I can't help but feel slightly cheated. It was a slightly unsatisfying yet not story-ruining scene. Trying to change it now could help, yes, but could also harm it. Don't alter it now, but please try keeping that in mind if or when you next write a fight scene. It might have made that like of mine a favourite.

Now, for some nicer things to say.

I want to congratulate you, the author, for being creative. That alone is something to be proud of. There aren't many who could write something entertaining and of high quality and post it on the Internet for anyone to see. It doesn't seem like much from your position, but it really is fantastic.

Whoever edited this, be they a high-quality editor or proofreader with skill and dedication, or you, the author behind it, did a great job. I saw no glaring grammatical errors and, while I wasn't looking for them, I was surprised to find none at all. That's either good proofreading or you were sneaky with your mistakes. I'm certainly not going to go back and try finding one to rant about. Be happy. I am happy.

Also, I have nothing else to say.

You wrote a good story and should be proud of it. If my comments annoyed you or seemed unfair, tell me. I'm trying to be nicer than usual, but telling me when I'm failing can only help. Well, that or annoy me.

I'm done.

In looking back over that comment, I noticed two things.
First, I was too nice. Shit.
Second, it wasn't grammatically perfect. I'm sorry, but I can't fix it. Keeps crashing Safari when I try. This sucks.

4560566 Thanks, I guess maybe I was reaching on "cruel cruller." It would probably have been better to leave the puns in the exposition and out of the dialog, except for Pinkie of course who can't help it. And yeah, I guess I could have added some more drama in the climax, but I wanted it to be a slice of life/comedy, not an adventure/comedy. I mean, it wasn't bad for something I turned out in a couple of hours, at least I don't think so. I'm trying to unfocus a bit from my bigger, darker story, Twilight's Dawn, and my bigger, more random story Harold and Kumar Go To Equestria, neither of which are appropriate for general audiences, and which have gotten a few downvotes.

Still, I will take what you said to heart. I appreciate praise like any author, but I value criticism. Thanks!

4560579 OK, you can let loose with some additional criticism if you like, and as far as safari goes, complain to her.

That was hilarious! I struggle with slice of life/comedy stories as well so well done! And it's really original. For a moment there, I thought reading a story entitled 'Pretzels' was gonna lead me into another 'Cupcakes' dilemma... thank god I went through with it. I could've missed out on this gem of a story!!

4561440 Well, a Cupcakes knock-off wouldn't have gotten approved with an Everyone tag, at least it shouldn't have. Thanks for your kind words! I was just eating some pretzels last night, thinking, what to write about... :pinkiehappy:

Cool. I got around to reading it again. Noticed a couple of things.

First, the new fight scene is much better than the old one. I hope you see how much is possible with these things. You can write a fight scene in a few minutes, true, but if it's not used well, it may a well not be there at all. Originally, its sole purpose was to move the story along and bring you to the end. That's not how it should be treated and, though I suggested leaving it alone, I'm glad you went ahead and made something of it.

Second. I actually looked at the grammar in the story this time. I spotted some places where a comma might have been nice. Again, not listing them here because I don't want to have to search. If you want, I can PM you with some pointers, but I might not be done quickly. Up to you, really.

Third, I thought about the ending a bit. There was no public reaction to the events of, say, an hour or so prior to the scene in the shop. It is a perfect ending as it is and I'm just looking for ways to complain at this point, but I thought it odd. It doesn't change anything and I don't think it worth your time to write the reactions. I'm just conjuring issues that really don't exist. Whatever. Do as you wish, guy. It's your story.



I find it really hard to be an asshole to you. I guess I'm used to people being ignorant assholes that hand me ammo. It's good to see that not everyone is like that. I still enjoy insulting people without them realising it, though. Y u riun te funn!!?&

Ugh. I really hate myself now. Mistakes in that comment that I can't fix. Stupid iOS Safari.

Also me.

4564888 I look at this sort of slice of life as situation comedy, and in a sitcom, one of the essential elements is that at the end of the story, all is as it was at the beginning of the story, more or less. This was meant to be drama free, light reading after all.

And I really did appreciate that kick in the ass about shortchanging you with the last fight scene. I was just being lazy because I wanted to hit the Publish button already...

4564920
Okay. I follow one rule in life:
If you know the rules, feel free to break them. Otherwise, learn them and how to follow them. Do not break them unknowingly. Don't let yourself break them unknowingly.

I mention this because you clearly know what you're doing. I appreciate that you were sticking to a format. You're allowed skip things like the reactions if you know and acknowledge that you're doing so.

Well done. You have my respect.

Meaningless, really, but you have it.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Grammar Score: 9
Pros:
The prose is delightful. I loved the onomatopoeia and how it gave the story more life.
Pinkie Pie is written in character, as is everyone else. Given how tough it is for even the show's writers to write Pinkie, this is excellent.
The premise is fun and sounds like something that would fit in perfectly in the world of FiM.
Cons:
Some of the sentences are spaced too far apart in my opinion. It's nothing major, and if you want to keep it that way, I'm more than okay with that.
Notes:
This was an excellent story and deserves much more attention. It was funny, well-written, and my only complaints are just minor nitpicks. I'd love to read your future works, so keep it up. :twilightsmile:

4636808 Thank you very much! Now I just have to survive the hurricane...

I'll check this out later when Im not so tired lol Ill try to in the morning.

It was silly, I like it.

Um I guess theres a format for Authors Helping Authors
But you saw how bad I was at grammar :rainbowlaugh: I can't help you there.

Pros: Food jokes lol. Her dough was runny, somehow took me a second to understand that one lol.
Cons: .. Um.. Twilight didn't zap pretzels out of it? lol

You put alot of effort into my story reveiw tho :twilightsheepish:

But yeah Twilight could have zapped some pretzels out of the dough that stuck her to the tree lol. It wouldn't impact the ending. Or the ending you could have done like, he wanted a funnel cake or doughnuts, that happened to fly off the monster lol.

Idk I'm horrible with grammar, I prefer ideas. But my ideas right now are half off topic lol.

4642600 I figured it was just kind of random and they'd get anything BUT pretzels. :-) thanks for the ideas though!

Well, that was enjoyably silly. Thank you for it. Remember, folks, never raise the dead where you eat. It's just not sanitary.

Hello, there. I very recently joined Authors Helping Authors, and I'm working my way through as many stories as I can, which is how I ended up at this little gem.

There's very little criticism I can offer here. I've noticed a few missing commas, which isn't much of a sin. One in particular I recall was in Twilight's internal monologue during the fight, something along the lines of a "Oh no you don't!" that could probably use the loving caress of a comma. I could pick more out if you'd like, but again it didn't particularly detract from the story. I did wonder about your usage of Rainbow Dash. It seems to me she'd value her sleep and be a little more of an effort to convince, unless it there was trouble or it was a matter of loyalty. As for the battle, it could use a little more of the goodness we saw in the season finale of the show. Twilight is positively badass at teleports, even before she had alicorn magic to beef her up.

There was a lot here that drew a smile, nay, an outright chortle from me. You've an excellent handle on comedic writing and timing, even for little details such as the minor brick joke with the Friendship Fortress floor. The pacing of the story felt good, not getting caught up or cutting any parts short. I especially approve of how you referenced Lesson Zero, with Twilight actually learning and following a life lesson from the episode. And we got to see a little more of mad scientist Twilight, which I've been missing since she tried to figure out Pinkie Sense. Anything Twilight does that builds upon her frightening intellect and evil science lab can only lead to good times.

So, a solid story and I thoroughly enjoyed it. You've earned this like. Well done.

Thanks for writing,

-Hack

4807711 Wow, what a great review! Yes, I am proud of this little story, but now that you mention it, I did rather neglect Rainbow Dash. I only used her to make some lightning bolts. I could definitely add a bit where Spike is trying to wake her up... for that matter if he needs to wake her up, he may need some help if she's up in a cloud somewhere. :rainbowdetermined2:

Let me go to AHA and see what story of your's you want reviewed and I'll give it a read and a write-up.

This'post is made on behalf of the group Authors Helping Authors. ( sorry about this lack of a link, tablets don't make linking easy.)
Grammar: 9
Pros:
This story has to be among the funniest I've read so far on the sight.
The story feels well paced, and doesn't take too much time on exposition.
Recognition of Pinkie's uncanny ability to squeeze into impossibly small spaces equals awesome.:pinkiehappy:
Cons:
The writing of Pinkie felt a little off, but managed to keep her in character.
The monster could have been eased into the story a bit more smoothly.
Notes:
Overall, a very well written piece. I personally can't get Pinkie right, so I'm glad to see someone else who can write her relatively well. I hope to see more work like this out of you! You've earned a fave and up vote.:moustache:

4907928 Thanks! Love the review!

INVASION OF THE PRETZEL DOUGH BEAST! AAAAAAAAA! very funny and well
written. I can sympathize with her having a gluten condition. my sister has one
as well. I would love to see a sequel to this very hilarious tail. keep up the good
work. also, MysteryMare, try a 100-pound gallon drum of total clusterfuck. (wink)

5718426 Thanks, I think with 39-0 I'll submit to EQD and see what they think.

Update: They didn't care for it.

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