HGcareer9123
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I see.
Would you consider constructive criticism as "negative"?
I'd recommend taking that large section of text near the end of the chapter and breaking it into smaller sections, making it less imposing for some to read.
Hentie? (How ever you spell it.) Cool.
4610518
Now I do... *facehoof* goddamnit
4610596
I believe the correct spelling is Hentai just fyi
4610607 Thanks.
I always get that wrong.
4610585
I consider comments such as "This fix sucks and I hate it" to be negative. However, constructive criticism with a bit of "read this despite not liking the contents" and helping me improve is fine
the spell is summon me, for etenal plesarue . I see what you did there
Twilight gets a box from Princess Celestia containing tentacles.
4610761
However, that was a box with tentacles inside it. This was a box with a book for summoning. There is a difference. Thought a bit of my basis did come from there, so props to that guy (names y u elude me)
EDIT: This is why commenting should be done on my computer, not on my phone...
You really need to fix your formatting bro. The story itself is fine, no real problems with it on my end, although investing in some more descriptive imagery is kind of important for clop. That said, I can't read a giant block of text like what is in the middle of this one, and on top of that you don't seem to have any consistency with breaking up paragraphs or speech. The first thing I would tell you is to take a look at some other works that highly viewed authors have put out in order to get a feel for how your syntax should be.
4611996 Thanks for the comment... I'll eventually get around to fixing that wall of text... eventually
4610535 Quite.
4610518 Funniest pic response ever.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong
4614017 I believe that a good 'ol trope is never a bad thing, especially in stories.
4614889
Good thing yes, otherwise I wouldn't be reading it after that line.
Still. I'm Genre savvy enough to know never to say that. Twilight, being a bookworm, should be.
the pacing could use some work, it feels rushed.
It's really rushed and not nearly descriptive enough. Still, pretty hot. Will fave for more.
Since you asked for criticism, i will give you criticism: the only thing that needs to be worked on is how incredibly fast this story is. There is honestly nothing else wrong with it :) And i can't wait until the next chapter comes out!
4617425
4615234
>>Scygnus
Next week, I'll work on the speed of this story, AND the next chapter! 11 o'clock writing everyone... It does things to you
4616024
see comment below
I'm curious about the oviposition, what is that?
Oh, you have got no idea what you just got yourself into mate. I'm telling you, that was a horrible idea and you shouldn't-- oh for the love of fuck 4610518 beat me to it.
4620340
Egglaying.
@The story's warning.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/12/24/191809__safe_zecora_caption_that+is+my+fetish_this+is+my+fetish.png
@This comment:
Ten bucks says this guy said something along the lines of "lol you won't actually delete any comments you pussy" and got proven wrong. Hard.
4620560 Ok thanks for clearing that up for me.
This story is too fast and should sllooooooow down. This isn't a race to the finish. I think do to the speed and which events happen the author seems to tell the reader what is happening instead of showing.
This sentence, apart from telling the reader what is happening, feels like a bit of a run-on. I would suggest slowing it down, describing more, and breaking it apart.
"The creature seemed intent on ramming itself deep into her ass, spinning to get its fleshy edges ever deeper into her body. Twilight shivered at the thought, her body tightening up to keep the semi-unwanted intruder out."
I am in no way saying this bit is good, but it does not feel as rushed. Other sentences seem disjointed and though the meaning gets across, the word structure feels forced and rushed.
If I were to sum up this entire chapter, it is rushed. Things happen with very little description and just keep coming.
I only have one bit of feedback for you. Rape stories should be tagged dark. This will help to ensure that people who are trying to avoid this type of story does not stumble upon it and downvote it out of annoyance. Might want to fix that asap.
*clop clop clop*
4621237
Officially fixed. Updates (making this story longer, and possibly another chapter) coming out tonight! (Maybe, I've been @ camp for a week and am tired as one can be... so if I fall asleep... awkward times ensue for me being in a family of 5)
4620568
good times writing at 11 at night before work, and having no idea what I'm doing lol. Also, you misspelled the word "Due"
Thanks for the feedback! I might go back and fix this chapter as said right below this post, so we'll see about that...
4643881
I am trying to write as well. Though, due to my editing of other stories and helping people, I have a couple of editors and pre-readers I can get to go over stuff. And they don't like to pull their punches.
4620560 You owe me ten bucks because that guys literally spammed the word "hate" over and over again.
4648638
global3.memecdn.com/well-we-amp-039-re-fucked_o_2166763.jpg
God damn it Twilight.
I would love to see where this story goes you should write a sequel or an extra chapter this story seems to have more to tell
Dang, so that's why Tirek was all shriveled up. I don't know exactly what they did to him, but there must have been some serious chafing involved.
Is there going to be more?
I HATE HATERS <-------- look at spoilers for a good laugh -------> I LOVE THIS FETISH
Is this ever going to be updated
Looks to me she wants more.