oron61
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I like it
Ok... this is very interesting. I'll keep an eye on you sir.
What was the technological state of the humans in 4725? Also, keep up the good work! This story could have some great potential if you make it right!
4555727
I have no idea what the technological state is, so I'm just going to place any technologies where convenient for my manipulation and remove them where they might allow for unnecessary conveniences. Basically, I'm cheating the whole way through
Maybe after he escapes, would he head to the crystal empire and hide in the caves or something? He could build a hideout somewhere.....
Pretty good chapter, but if he had never seen artillery in his life, he would not know what it's called.
4562735 He doesn't call it that. I call it that. He had never seen artillery in his life, and he has no idea what it is.
This chapter was just a tad too rushed. I say never overdo it with details, the trick is to put them in the right places. The whole constipation thing was spot on, focusing details on something important. As for the rest, his journey across the land is a little lacking. You only need to spice it up with a little detail about the journey to keep the reader up to speed with the change in scenery. For example, when he comes up to the foot of the mountain, go over how he feels, getting psyched up to hike up a mountain trail. Stuff like that.
Hmm... I'll watch this one and possibly favorite it depending where it goes. Til' then, have a thumb.
PIECE A' PISS
Not bad.
The sudden submissiveness is a drastic change from how he reacted to the griffons and diamond dogs.
4591652 Ya, its like his spine just vanished in an instant.
The wussification has been doubled!!!
4591652
Because now, he's talking to THE RAISER OF THE SUN, PRINCESS MOTHERBUCKING CELESTIA.
There's a bit of difference there.
I thought I was the only one who called it "Sparta-kicking."
Actually, I thought the poetic emotion-y bits were the best part. In fact, I'd say they're spot on. Though I don't think I would have personally used the word 'pixel' in any description like that of Canterlot, but hey it still worked.
Music was a nice touch, but put it in a nice, tidy url next time, k?
No, the thing that bothered me is that we suddenly jumped from him being in a prison cell with dog guards pissing all over the place, to outside, with the apparent Diamond Dog King (new character, left unmentioned?) and off with Celestia. Would've been nice to have something at the beginning to say, 'oh yeah, I did that thing for the dog people and their king called up that sun princess and now everything is K.'
Also, using numerals in writing. Eh, there are plenty of different rule sets, but me, I say if the number is 20 or less OR it's a multiple of 10, write the word version. Otherwise numerals. So like. Zero, five, ten, thirteen, twenty, 21, 27, thirty, one hundred, 172.98, etc. Basically, the idea is you want to use the word version as often as possible, except when the word version becomes unsightly long. One hundred seventy-two, for example, is a mouthful on paper, 172 is much more pleasing to the eye in that case.
Oh, also, I don't think he's a wuss for flattering Celestia. It's obvious he not only knows who she is, but also has a grand amount of respect for her. So it makes perfect sense. Fuck, I'd probably kiss her hoof if I ever met her.
What the...? Was his past so bad that he thought canterlot was good enough to be considered Heaven? And in my own opinion, If someone told me my race was dead, no matter how happy, I would cry my heart out. Knowing that you would never socially interact with your own kind again... is a large punch to the face during any situation. Being happy would not make you blind to something so blunt as you race being extinct.
Guard: "Ah! Get off me you damn dirty ape!"
Dude: "D'awww, I have no idea what you're saying, but you're so adorable!" *hugs tighter*
Dont be nice to the primative ponys fool!!
4606083
I think it's the fact that his race is extinct. Kinda extreme emotional denied, like getting drunk on happy to bury the sadness.
What in the Sam Hill are you doing?
4639797
Laughing as my sanity fades and my quirkiness blows up my story
4640017
So, your brain is now pudding I take it?
4640017 I'll volunteer to be the next joker.
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=rU1PnL99SaU]
Should be pretty easy.
Looks like a Human X Luna story here.
4583723 YEAHHH!
4628058 I completely agree. You're a creature from an ingenious race whom died out several hundred years ago and are still more advanced than everyone. Yet even so, you bend over and kiss every ass in sight at the slightest surprise (In this chapter at least). I dun get
Don't reverse engineer his weapons. They can give him more bullets ofcourse, but giving them the knowledge of how to create a weapon of war is not something I would like.
4654717
there is a simple verbal weakness that the human has, and after striking that nerve, Luna's going to have to go to hell and back to get her smooth skinned friend back. I'm also adding a few more friends into the story...
Oh, it gets so much better. She won't even lay a hoof on him. It's much, MUCH worse than a simple beating this time...
It's about time that his trust in Luna goes away. Reading this chapter was kinda hard for me. I hope that you make her work hard to get his trust back. Currently she's no better then the diamond dogs.
The manic pace seems to have slowed down which is good. We really needed time to explore the feelings that this situation is bringing both. You seem to have stated to give us that, which is nice. I not know what Luna's problem is, but the human seems a little more sane at least. Wonder what he will find himself in ponyvile.
4662807
That's why I want to do a bit of restructuring. I want to take parts of each chapter 10-13 and put them in chronological order, then expose the human's feelings to each situation.
4655164
She's worse. At least with the diamond dogs, they negotiated a deal that was mutually beneficial to both parties. Luna beat him half to death. I hope she DOESN'T get his trust back.
Yeah, I have absolutely zero tolerance for domestic abuse.
[YouTube=6Ux6SlOE9Qk]
4662807
I think the author is trying to convey that Luna much like our friend is lost in time and culture. But she is used to having humans to take out her frustrations on and them willingly offering themselves to her. This human was not prepared for such a thing and is only pulling what knowledge he has. So to Luna he is a wolf that looks like a dog and expects him to act like one. While he is stuck trying to figure out not only a foreign culture but he is not capable of speaking the full language.
I hope he goes with Celestia first. Celestia actually listens to him when he doesn't want to go further. Luna might learn something from them.