Cole was backpacking with his dad in a forest, when suddenly next thing he knows, he falls down on to a table in the middle of a courtyard spilling tea all over the royalty drinking it.. will things go alright for Cole? (warning Mild Language) don't forget to like and follow! *note the first chapter is un-
edited the story gets better with the way it is written as it goes along.*
Rated Teen for Minor to Major Swearing.
Also looking for cover art! send summitions to edwaxfim@gmail.com
Edited by Crescent Quill, and Stunner
Chapters (6)
Your average HiE subject. Couldn't help it.
Walk in. See this isn't a gears of war crossover. walk out.
4537053 oops i meant blond hair.
4537075 i changed it!
To fast. MUCH to fast. It has potential, but still to fast and jumping. Sorry, but I have to give it a thumb down.
4537155 thanks for the notification
, this is just the intro the chapters will be getting longer after the 2nd one
Good story, just spread it out so it doesn't seem rushed, and can you make the chase scene a little bigger, like scaring blueblood and add a cool theme song that appears out of no where and stumps the pony guards and element bearers? That would be perfect!
Can you make each section larger and divide them better, such as making them into separate chapters?
4537181 oh yess i plan to care the royal crap out of blue blood the chase scene i think mabie could be lengthened remember he is escaping and the reason it is so short will be explained later.
4537202 YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4537228 theme song ideas would be nice
4537179 Ok. I will see if I change my opinion after the next chapters. But still, the Intro should be longer then this. That's my opinion.
i have re read twice and fixed some grammatical errors I missed now back to writing the second chapter
4537370 awwwww no guns? I mean the bows a nice touch but it would make sense to use a gun. One shot.One kill.
4540833 (spoiler alert) he is REALLY good with that bow
4537071 Exactly what I thought, GOD DAMNIT. Everybody loves the Cole Train, but not everyone knows the Cole Train!
4543899 have gears of war but never played it
, there is obviously a guy named cole in it. sorry
Needs a lot of work to be passable. Character is uninteresting and described with the typical "prison lineup" spiel—if you can replace your character's name with "suspect" and have it sound like a police bulletin, you're not doing it right. It's also a bit of a faux pas to use decimals in US customary units. The spelling and grammar are filled with a variety of errors, ranging from homophone confusion to incorrect spacing.
4544014 Corporal Augustus "Cole Train" Cole of the 26th Tyran Infantry Division "The Unvanquished", Something something Batallion, something something, C Company, something something Platoon, Delta squad grenadier. [youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM1unPJ6N00]
4544039 thanks i will try to improve. the reason with spacing is a computer glitch and i would like you to point out where you can change his name to suspect. hey this is my second try on a story it ant going to be perfect.
4544042 wow i would love to be him
This is the most notable example, but the way the other information is presented isn't much better. They're all cosmetic details that have little value unless you're trying to pick the character out of a crowd.
I wasn't expecting your story to be perfect. I was only giving some constructive criticism. If you proofread your chapter after it was done, you'd probably pick out a lot of those spacing errors.
4544135 i know you're trying to help and I appreciate it and i have proof read a couple times it was ment to be quick I think if i quickly describe what a Character has on it will keep the reader from thinking the story is overly descriptive and leave like if i said His very gray t-shirt reflected his mood on the output on his life, and his dark green hoodie hoped to conceal his torment of hell while his blue jenes hold the sorrow of life itself and his running shoes help him flee from his very essence.
If you want to be my editor you can the job is open
There is a double space after the first word and I don't know if "sand" is supposed to be Cole's last name or if you just made a really weird typo because it isn't capitalized and also I read that whole description in a robot voice because there are no commas and it doesn't flow very well if you get my point.
4544184 I would consider helping you edit, but I'm actually the editor for eight other fics already.
4544211 fixing it now
*le sigh*
4545844 MY dearest Dewitt I have a reason for throwing the main Guys description in quickly is so it wont be to descriptive i could talk forever about what he was wearing but I think it would be better to go right into the story. hey man its my first story it an't perfect but its a work in prosses
4546056 I am Pretty sure it is also obvious that he snuck on the train . But i thank you for you pointing out the faults
I admit i have never traveled by train and they never had the ticket guy in the show. (i think)
I want to read more of this...
Here are some edits...
'I bet loose these ponies in there
(I bet I'll loose these ponies in there.)
only only a couple shades darker than the rest of her body
(Only need one only here.)
Thanks for writing!
Here is an update: my writing has slowed down a bit. So far the next chapter has 2000 words but be patent. ~ edwax
thank you for the update!
4721302 youre welcome
There are grammar errors in this chapter
4721935 I try to find them so feel free to tell me and the editor poison is available *Nuge* *Nugent*
I'll be your editor. These mistakes are hurting me.
4724284 idk whether to be offended or happy but OK
Man. I was sad when I saw that you removed the chapters for a bit.
I'm really liking this one
4802181 you sir made my August 5th I have been feeling sick all day
and I thought Today was tarrable but to see that someone cares about what I made makes me soon happy
thank you soon much
Next chapter please
Great chapter and awesome story!!!!!!! Glad that you're back and updating!!!!!!!!!! Also please just because I'm petty, can you have Cole punch Twilight or at least get annoyed and shout at her for being stoned for a month please?
5338577 ill see what i can do
5338630 Is Cole imprisoned while being awake and aware of his surroundings and knowing he can't move or do anything no matter what he does?
5339546 sadly i will not awncer that you will have to wait and see. sorry
5339831 I got distracted by life the next chapter I am almost done I got to give it to my editor then I check one last time and then post but It looks loke my editor is taking a brake from this site still its only me editing again un till they come back. Hi shadow-step.
5340036 that would be great in fact you guys could work together or alt. chapters. if you want to.
why do people have to be so mean i mean 11 dislikes?!?! Comon people its not that bad of a story it could be worse if you are going to dislike at least make a coment on why you disliked it! I need feedback on how to make it bettewr or what you want to see cole do in the future enything and everything helps.~edwax
It all seems rather rushed (Not just this chapter). I hope you plan on Coal being at least a bit mad at them for attacking him for no other reason than a book (Then there's the fact that Celestia told the guards to detain him for study). Also, (I think this was last chapter) one of the EoH said something about turning him to stone because of him eating meat, so what? All griffin's get put into stone?
What enchantment does he have on him? I thought that the only enchantment was that he'd live as long as Coal.