Flash Sentry, Prince of Waffle Thieves
Princess Twilight Sparkle sat in her throne room, wearing a fluffy bathrobe, bleary-eyed, her tousled mane sticking up in chunks. Spike curled up on the seat of his own throne, clutching a blanket.
“Can we go back to bed, Twilight?” complained Spike, yawning. “Do we have to do this now?”
“Of course we do, Spike,” said Twilight. “Princess Celestia wouldn’t leave anypony waiting until morning like that, especially not in a dungeon.”
“No,” said Spike, rolling his eyes, “she’d just have Princess Luna see them instead. And Canterlot Castle doesn’t even have a dungeon. Although it’s awesome that we’ve got one,” he added, brightening up.
Two Royal Guards entered, bringing with them three disheveled figures. Behind them trotted a cheerful pink pony, apparently unaffected by the fact that it was now so late that it was very, very early.
All three of them looked terrible. Both Flash and Trenderhoof were still covered in batter, which had begun to dry, stiffen, and flake off, leaving their coats with thick patches of flour and egg. Trenderhoof’s sweater was a damp, misshapen mess. His pale blond mane was still wet and plastered close to his head. Cheese was less thoroughly battered, but his coat was drying into bristles from being blasted with the hose. His mane and tail were shorter, surrounded by blackened, frizzy ends that had begun to crumble away. His rubber chicken, however, was in pristine condition: he’d probably grabbed it and protected it somehow when chaos broke loose.
Flash knew that he himself looked like a parade ground nightmare. It would take hours and hours to get his armor clean and burnish it back up to its usual shine. His metal boots were still full of waffle batter caking his fetlocks. He quickly removed his helmet, but that didn’t help: it just created a flour line halfway up his mane and made it look as though he’d dipped it in library paste.
“That has to be Cheese Sandwich,” Twilight said, rising from her throne and coming closer. “I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard time recognizing you two.”
Spike squinted at them. “Is that Trenderhoof?” Trenderhoof nodded, his eyes on the ground and his head bowed in embarrassment. “Twilight, can we just put him back in the dungeon and maybe leave him there for a kazillion million years?”
She laughed. “Absolutely not, Spike.” She turned to them. “I’ve heard from the café owners. Fortunately, there was less damage than they’d thought: some smoke marks, a burned bag of potatoes, smashed dishes and a big mess, but nothing that can’t be fixed. What they don’t know is how it happened or why, and I’m hoping you can explain that part.”
“How” was easy to explain. “Why” was entirely different, because Flash wasn’t sure now himself. He was trying to come up with an explanation that made any kind of sense and that didn’t implicate the fortuneteller, when Pinkie Pie interrupted.
“They were fulfilling their destiny, of course!” she said. “Duh.”
“Excuse me?” said Twilight.
“I mean, you’ve got a destiny, right?” said Pinkie, trotting in front of them. “You said ‘magic of friendship, woo’ and our destinies got fixed and then your new wings went ‘spoing’ and Princess Celestia said you were a princess, and that was your destiny, so these guys have gotta have destinies too and they’re waffle stealers, and you can totally tell from their cutie marks.” She pointed at Flash, “He’s got a spatula or something.” She turned to Trenderhoof. “And he’s got a waffle iron. And Cheesie’s got a grilled cheese sandwich, which almost kinda counts, only it’s an accordion, too, so not really, and besides, he’s a party pony like me and that’s all that really matters.” She trotted back to stand beside Cheese.
Twilight massaged her temples. “I don’t think their cutie marks are a spatula and a waffle iron, but even if they were, how would they know? It’s not the kind of thing most ponies would think of, especially grown ponies with jobs.”
“Because I told him, of course!” said Pinkie, pointing at Flash again.
“Ah,” said Twilight. “Yes. I wouldn’t say this is beginning to make sense, but I have a better idea of how it might have happened.”
“But,” Flash Sentry cut in, and then stopped.
“Go on,” said Twilight. “I’m afraid I don’t remember you, so you’ll have to remind me.”
What a way to introduce myself to a princess, thought Flash. “Flash Sentry.”
“Go on, Flash Sentry.”
“I’m sorry, Your Highness,” he said, looking straight ahead as though he were in parade lineup. “Your friend did give me the idea, but I’m still responsible.”
Twilight walked up to him and looked him directly in the eye. “Yes,” she said slowly. “Yes, you are. Now, Cheese,” she added, turning to him, “how did you get involved in this?”
“I’m not really sure,” replied Cheese. “I was going to set up camp for the night with Boneless 2, and I ran into these two, and they told me to come along with them, and things just spiraled out of control from there.”
“And you’re here because your Cheesy Sense told you there was going to be a party you had to throw. Is that it?” said Twilight. She was becoming very good at not giving away what she was thinking. She’d learned a thing or two about diplomacy from her mentor.
“I . . . um . . .” Cheese began, and hesitated, looking from side to side, then cleared his throat. “No,” he said. “I’m not here because of any party. I’m here because I wanted to see Pinkie.”
Twilight smiled slightly. “I’m always glad when ponies tell the truth,” she said. “It makes my job a lot easier. I’d tell you to go and help clean up the café, but I have the feeling that the owners would be much happier if you didn’t. We are having a party, as it happens, and I’d be honored if you’d stay and help Pinkie with it. As her assistant,” she added somewhat severely, as Cheese was looking indecently happy about this decision. “This isn’t meant to be a reward.” She walked back to her throne and seated herself again.
“C’mon, Cheesie,” said Pinkie, turning and beginning to trot away. “You heard what Twilight said: you’ll have to be my assistant. And first you’re going to Sugarcube Corner and taking a bath, ‘cause all that crusty batter and frizzy black stuff makes you look and smell awful.”
“Yes, boss,” he said meekly, following her.
“I like the new mane style, though,” she added, as they trotted through the door.
“Thanks!”
“Twilight, I didn’t know we were having a party,” said Spike.
“We are now,” said Twilight, floating a clipboard towards herself, glancing over it, and making a few tics with a quill. “We’ve just opened the castle. We can probably throw a castle-warming party. Besides, there’s always a festival or celebration or something going on every few days. Pinkie will think of something, and it will keep Cheese busy and doing something useful the whole town can enjoy. Trenderhoof, maybe you can explain your part in this for me.”
Trenderhoof sighed. “I really can’t. I was at the bookstore in Canterlot and this gentleman mentioned waffle stealing, and something just snapped. Your friend said something about destiny. I thought I was a journalist, but for all I know, maybe I am a waffle stealer. I just don’t know anymore. I’m terribly tired. They would have been excellent waffles, however,” he said. “I’m positive on that point. The rest is just a blur.”
“Trenderhoof,” said Twilight, “will you please come a bit closer? Excuse me,” she added in a softer tone. She used her magic to lift Trenderhoof’s lip and looked all around the gumline until she reached the corner of his mouth. His gums were an unpleasantly pale color, and when she gently pried his mouth open to look inside, the roof of his mouth and his tongue were the same pale shade. She allowed his mouth to drop closed, and looked gravely at the dark circles under his eyes and the way his sweater hung loose around the cuffs. “You really don’t look well.”
The travel writer drooped his head. “I’m really not, no. I’d been thinking of going away, out into the country.”
Twilight nodded. “I think that’s a good idea. In fact, I think you should go right away, before Rarity and Applejack realize you’ve been here, and I don’t think you should go back to Canterlot alone.” She turned to one of the Royal Guards. “Would you accompany Mr. Trenderhoof to the train and ride with him to Canterlot? In fact, both of you may go," she said to the other guard. "And I am sure you understand--not a word of this to anypony."
“Yes, Your Highness," they said, taking Trenderhoof between them, and leaving the Princess, Spike, and Flash alone.
“As for you, um, Smash Entry?”
Flash sighed. “Flash Sentry.”
“Flash Sentry,” said Twilight. “You said you’re responsible for this, and I think you are. What in the name of Celestia were you thinking?”
“I wish I could answer that,” he said. “But when your friend was telling my future, she said I had a chance at being somepony; that I could be great at something. Waffle stealing made about as much sense as anything else. And,” he burst out, “I really wanted to have an adventure. The Guards isn’t the way you’d think it would be, Your Highness. It’s mostly standing around. It was stupid and irresponsible, and we broke a lot of stuff, and I got covered in waffle batter, and spent some time in a dungeon, but it was sort of an adventure. I’ll remember it for the rest of my life, anyway, so maybe it counts.”
“Please,” he said, “I know you should tell Prince Shining Armor, but that would be the end of my career in the Guards.” The end of me, he thought, because I’m a lousy Guard, but I’m even worse at everything else, and I just want to go back to being a non-entity again.
Twilight Sparkle frowned. “No,” she said. “No, I won’t tell him. I don’t have to tell my brother everything. Still, I must do something with you, Slash Defenestrate.”
“Marry me?” he suggested, and then slapped both front hooves over his mouth. Argh, no! Where in Tartarus did that come from? “I mean, no!” he blurted. “I don’t mean that! I don’t want to marry you at all!” Argh, worse! I am dead. I am so, so dead. He covered his face with his front legs, waiting for the fury of offended royalty, waiting for the end.
Princess Twilight started to cough, and then twitch, and finally threw herself backwards, all four legs in the air, making wheezing noises.
"Twilight," Spike gasped, "are you all right?"
“AH HAH HAH HAH!” Twilight howled, laughing. “AH HAH HAH HOO!” She was actually waving her legs now, completely incoherent with guffaws.
Flash ventured a look. The Princess of Friendship and Libraries was rolling from side to side, snorting with mirth, tears streaming down her face.
“Whoo!” she finally said, rolling onto her front, getting to her feet, and levitating a hanky to her face. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose. “I haven’t laughed like that in a long time. Um, no, thanks, Flash. I think I can come up with something better.”
Look on the bright side, he told himself later in the kitchen of the Ponyville Café, his front legs half submerged in a tub of dishes. I’ve still got my job. And at least I made a princess laugh.
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Hey guys! Hope you enjoy the final chapter!
4456603 Thank you! I've become very fussy about tagging. I don't want my readers to be disappointed, so if there's going to be anything shippy at all, I come right out and say so, and I try to be truthful about the category tags, too.
4457052 Flash is tricky. I have to agree with Elric that Flash is bland at best--at least, that's what I think. You've got almost all the same challenges as writing an OC, only so many readers already hate him. Cheese, on the other hand, is automatically awesome, or at least I think so.
4454871 Thank you! I always feel absolutely stumped for chapter titles, so that's nice to hear.
4458577 Thanks!
4462006 Master criminals these guys are not.
Wait, that was the ending? Woah woah woah, I thought I was reading the legend of Trenderhoof and Flash Sentry, partners in shenanigans.
That was still pretty entertaining, though, and I'm glad Twi took it in good humor.
Weird Al's "Polkas on 45" came on my iTunes as I started reading this chapter. How's that for serendipity?
I don't usually point out typos, but I can't make heads or tails of this one. Did the hose give his coat eyes or what?
My favorite explanation for Trenderhoof's argyle mark is that his special talent is finding emergent patterns in society. Trends, in other words. As for Flash, my only explanation for his shield-and-thunderbolt mark is that he's really good at positioning himself so ponies walk into him. That's why he's such a great guard! You're trying to get somewhere you're not supposed to be, but all you get is a faceful of armor.
In any case, a most amusing story. Thank you for it.
Well, that was a fun read. At least they weren't too severely punished for that disaster.
"Marry me?" Pfft, that's not going to happen anytime soon, Flash.
4462176 Serendipitous indeed!
A "staring" coat is one that's bristling up or standing out. If your dog's coat is staring and his eyes are lackluster, time to go to the vet. Cheese's coat is just drying strangely. I like your explanations of Flash and Trend's cutie marks, too.
4462172 Oh, dear. I hope you weren't too disappointed. Still not a shipfic, though. Flash had his Big Waffle Adventure, and now he gets to go back to his grunt job again, feeling lucky to have it.
4462259 No--I'd say it's not happening anytime soon. But he did not get punched in the face! I really would have felt bad if I'd misused Julian's picture like that, and there's still room for Flashlight shippers to feel that the door's cracked ajar. She may think he's a doofus, but at least she knows Smash Entry's name now!
Trenderhoof needs a real vacation if his health is suffering. I like that he didn't even question Twilight's actions or decision, though I was initially surprised that she was looking in his mouth. Flash noticed he looked kind of poorly in the beginning too, so that was a nice call-back to the first chapter. Poor fella shouldn't have agreed to go along with Flash.
You realize now I'm going to demand that auto-biography prompt from you?
Or else Trend getting some rest and relaxation at home, where ever he lives. He needs a break and there are so many wonders that can wait while he enjoys a more mundane life. I'd actually love to see his house, his neighbors, and his friends, if you had any thoughts on that matter. It might be far too boring.
4462176 4462327
I was gonna ask about that myself. Much as that answers the question, you might want to consider picking a different description for that sentence in the story, because I'd never heard of that definition before and I'm not sure how many people have. Unless they read the comments, you might get more people pointing it out. Then again, perhaps I'm assuming too much based on my own experience. You could leave it as it is and see if anyone else mentions being confused before tweaking it. Really a minor issue.
Spike's comment about shoving Trend back into the dungeon was priceless. I liked the overall resolution too, especially with Cheese and Pinkie. And of course he protected Boneless 2!
Well, makes sense why they didn't get that punished I mean it's just for waffles after. (sure they killed a family of potatoes but STILL).
AND THE FLASHLIGHT SHIPPERS GO WILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watched the episode and yup I think I love Trenderhoof's character now, not in my Top 10 but still sweet. (either that or I have a weakness against adorable dorks like Cheese) But say what you will this is probably one of my favorite one-shots, oh yea and a bit of Cheesepie.
4462491
, that is two readers too many, and there are certain to be more. I changed "staring." I didn't quite think it was that unusual, probably because I spent two years monitoring my old cats for chronic renal failure and "staring" was a bad thing. But because of that, "staring" isn't even an optimal word, so I got rid of it.
4462176 I say if you have two readers going
I think the reason Trend doesn't mind Twilight looking in his mouth is that he is just THAT exhausted, and somepony is showing some kind of concern about him. I imagine him as totally burnt out by now, but then, I'm thinking of the Trend I built in Slice of Life. I don't know if I can do the autobio prompt now, since Cheese was going to read it and fulminate about it to a third party, and I always think of my stuff as connected even if officially it isn't. Still possible, though, because Cheese doesn't know the bit about Trend not feeling great. I dismissed our criminals in reverse order of culpability: Cheese, Trend, Flash. Yes, I know, Cheese started the fire, but who got them in there in the first place?
Trend wouldn't have agreed to go with Flash if he hadn't said the "A" word. He needs to just go and be with some real apples for a change.
4463063
I love the idea of a family of potatoes.
Something for everypony! I'm kind of neutral on Flashlight. Then again, I really don't have any ships except for CheesePie. Glad you liked it!
4463096 I still like "Slash Defenestrate" better.
4464514
Flatterer.
4463063
Cheese's second funeral in this timeline will be for a family of potatoes. He'll mourn the loss of such upstanding root vegetables and regret his accidental arson for a life time. He'd sob into his french fries forever more, except ponies don't seem to eat them that way. It's probably for the best. He'd eventually grow sour towards them and refuse to order them off the menu because of the memories.
I think Trenderhoof makes a bad first impression simply because Rarity acts so embarrassing. You can't help wanting to try and shake her out of it, the very first time, by pointing at him and going, "Not worth it!" But the truth is, he made some mistakes, and given that Rarity made the exact same one (well, the major one; he made some others), that doesn't mean he's automatically a terrible pony. Whatever flaws he has, Trend was never malicious and he doesn't act nearly so bad as Blueblood's first appearance.
Even Blueblood can't be too awful, considering in Sweet and Elite, Rarity christened a zeppelin with him, so she must have forgiven him since then, and vice versa. I think if he was irredeemable, he wouldn't be willing to put aside their differences for anything, since he doesn't have to deal with her if he doesn't want to.
At least we know more about Trend and he's much more interesting than the prince, IMHO. An endearingly dorky hipster boy indeed!
4463096
I bet he gets that a lot. Poor guy introduces everyone else who enters the kingdom that he serves and no one remembers his name. Sounds about right!
4464514
Good point. Trend is the sickly one; not Cheese! I double-checked and the new descriptor works much better.
The autobio could wait then, if you'd rather. Although perhaps Trenderhoof could take some time off to write his autobiography? Maybe that would work. Then he could rest, relax, get some much needed nutrients and vitamins, before inadvertently adding some fuel to Cheese's fire much later, sometime after it was published.
Or work on whatever strikes you. I would love to read that eventually though!
*Grins* Very nicely done, and bravo on giving Flash a bit more personality than he usually has.
I demand an epilogue in which Flash goes to pony heaven and Celestia shows him snapshots of his waffle-stealing life and then turns him into an alicorn
Flash, you dork!
4466632 PERFECT
4462172 IM NOT ADDING ANYTHING
4464831 .......interesting.......NOW CANON!
4467492
The potato family funeral?
You could always write that. It'd be better than most of the funeral fanfiction he turns up in.
Pinkie can sob alongside him and he can comfort her, but really he's just as torn up inside and leaking all kinds of manly tears while looking unto the heavens, questioning them in their infinite wisdom. Why? Oh the equinity!
4467594 Yea I could but I'm already working on something, probably will come out after the school years done, but then again every time I try to write a grant fic or something 4out of 5 times it comes unfinished and most of time canceled.
plus this is Scoot's fic
4467691
I'm right there with you, in the WiP gutter. It's so hard to climb out of there for some of us!
Cute ending. Good to see Flash didn't completely destroy his life with this stunt, just some dishes.
4466131 It was like doing a graft, to be honest, but at least he knows he doesn't have one, if you see what I mean.
4466632 . . . I'll think about it. Of course, since he's a pegasus, that means something would have to spring out of his head, which seems more disturbing somehow.
4466684 Potato battery. It's a real thing. Alas, poor Flash, but I actually hope they'll do something more interesting with him in Rainbow Rocks.
4467594
4467691 Oh, since this thing originated on Elric's page and the prompt was SweetAl Belle's, I think the potato funeral's all yours if you want it
4468615 The Council was merciful. No, I think Twilight figured that as long as no permanent damage resulted, there was no sense in Flash's life being wrecked. It will become a night to remember. I'm just wondering if it's something Trend will want to write about eventually. It will probably be irresistible.
4479344 a bit tempting but no thanks
4479344 Flash: Uh... Princess? What am I doing here?
Celestia: Didn't Twilight tell you?
Flash: Uh... I honestly don't think so.
Celestia: Well, you have succeeded where no other waffle thief has.
Flash: Come again?
Celestia: You made a princess laugh.
Flash: ...Am I going to have to grow a horn?
Wow well at least it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. No shipping involved just a nice story about someone being bored with life. Very nice I love it! Great work as always scoots2!
Watch out Flash, the border between the human and pony dimensions is leaking... and Princess Dimension Traveler Twilight knows it too well.
Faved.
Haha that was amazing I couldn't stop laughing I love this story :D
Does this story disregard Equestria Girls because I'm sure she would have remembered him?
4628809 No--it's mostly a joke reference to the way a lot of fans see Flash. People complain that "he has no character." On the other hand, if you're just looking at the main show, there isn't any clear indication that she really knows who he is.
4628828 I'm confused at your answer. That didn't really clear things up. I was referring to how she just started laughing after he mentioned marriage. If she remembered the human world, then she would still like him. If you disregard the movie, then this is fine.
4628888 It's a meta-joke: more of a joke about the fandom. I'm afraid I can't make it clearer than that.
Overall a pretty good story.
Good bits of hilarity embedded in all three chapters.
Flash, Trend and Cheese are characters I find hard to write - but you have done so admirably.
Also, you have managed to give both a gut-busting narrative - and also a look into the mundane, dull life of anyone in the show not a mane character.
Grammar is nearly perfect, and the pacing is spot on.
Pity the whole premise seems to be based on some sort of meme.
Well worth reading. Thanks for writing it.
4665950 Thanks for reading! Flash is the tough one for me. EG Flash is a nightmare, honestly. I tried to narrate POV Human Flash, gave up, and wrote it from his brother's POV.
The funny thing is that it didn't exactly originate from a meme. It originated from this thread, and Elric of Melnipony's creation of an evil version of Flash, Slash Defenestrate. I suppose it does sort of hinge on a meme, but it came out of my annoyance with the way the Flash Sentry tag brings out the downrate button unless it's blatantly abusive towards Flash.
Writing slapstick is fun, isn't it? But I shall not spoil your fic. People should just go read it.
It's not bad, though not nearly as epic as I made it out in my mind. With the way it started I was expecting something quite outrageous, and what it is somehow seems kinda lackluster. Oh well.
4676075 hmm. Do you mind elaborating? What did you think was going to happen that didn't? Because it sounds as though you were quite disappointed.
4676122
I did find it a bit disappointing, since I really thought I would like it. In the end, though, it doesn't make me feel much at all. It seemed anticlimatic, and not very funny. It's hard to explain, but I expected more shenanigans; something more outrageous. I expected things to really get out of hand. Especially since it's a comedy.
When a protagonist who is obviously pretty bored and dissatisfied with life in general goes all: "I'm going to steal all the waffles! All of them!" then I kinda want to see him pull it off. I wanted to see these guys steal Celestia's waffles, or something. I mean, your final chapter is titled "Flash Sentry, Prince of Waffle Thieves", for goodness sake. Ending it with Flash being just as pathetic as he started out just feels depressing and kinda pointless.
4678149 Oh, dear. Well, I do see your point, and that would have been a terrific story. I'm almost sorry I didn't write it that way. I guess I do kind of see Flash as a bit of a nebbish. It helps me like him.
Anyway, I'm sorry it was a disappointment to you, and I'm glad you liked the beginning, at least! And thanks, too, for your honest feedback.
This was very silly, so...
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
--Sweetie Belle
4722086 Thank you!
*insert laughing emoji* Why does this have dislikes? This is funny unless its because of trenderhoof and Flash *shrugs* eh its their loss anyway.
4941967 l'll look at it!
4954440 I'm glad you enjoyed it! Yes, it's almost certainly because of Flash and Trend, and particularly Flash. Too bad, because he's really no better or worse than any background pony, and he's got the potential to be funny. But it's nice of you to say "their loss!"
4954572
Yeah I mean Flash he can have a personalty we just have to give him one. The thing with Flash is I see him as the funny guy but at the same time he got this adorable look to him. As for Trend he's very awkward and funny his enthusiasm would be a good running gag makes you wonder what happens when he meets Cranky now that would be something XD. I am glad i am not the only one who can see potential for the males of the show they need some love. 
Yup! After being on this site long enough and seeing good authors get downvoted I realized that haters are always going to hate something no matter what. So its a good idea to not give them the satisfaction that their downvote angered you.
You're welcome!
Actually, I didn't aspected that kind of story
But shouldn't Twy at least remember Flashy from the other universe?
I like it
Just so you know, it's nearly 2am and I just got back from a chain pancake place with a big, delicious belgian waffle thanks to this story.
I am highly suggestable when it comes to people putting food in their fanfics. :P
Poor Flashlight shippers. I can hear them rolling about in their graves... For the ones in them, of course. Can't say for the ones rolling around in real life... I hope they're not in a doggy park.
...and it's still a fun read the second time around.
5916113 thank you good sir i was having trouble deciding if i should read this fic and your comment helped me decide to read it... later
Can I make a public service announcement? I need to announce that everyone needs to read this story OR I WILL KILL THEM IN THEIR SLEEP.
Also, point ts for CheesiePie. Anyone gets points for CheesePie.
6599452 Oh, well. Nobody likes everything. Flash Sentry alone is good for some dislikes, automatically. I'm just glad you enjoyed it!
6578772 yes--I have to admit that I like making Flash into a bit of a nebbish. I was sort of amused to see that sometimes the EG movies seem to be heading in that direction, too. And of course, you can do nearly anything with Pony Flash.
I so much prefer Katie Cook's Flash, who is spooked by a possum, to Perdita Finn's Handsome Flash Sentry. Although the latter does have echoes of "Stately, plump Buck Mulligan," which might help.