Princess Twilight Sparkle sat in her throne room, wearing a fluffy bathrobe, bleary-eyed, her tousled mane sticking up in chunks. Spike curled up on the seat of his own throne, clutching a blanket.
“Can we go back to bed, Twilight?” complained Spike, yawning. “Do we have to do this now?”
“Of course we do, Spike,” said Twilight. “Princess Celestia wouldn’t leave anypony waiting until morning like that, especially not in a dungeon.”
“No,” said Spike, rolling his eyes, “she’d just have Princess Luna see them instead. And Canterlot Castle doesn’t even have a dungeon. Although it’s awesome that we’ve got one,” he added, brightening up.
Two Royal Guards entered, bringing with them three disheveled figures. Behind them trotted a cheerful pink pony, apparently unaffected by the fact that it was now so late that it was very, very early.
All three of them looked terrible. Both Flash and Trenderhoof were still covered in batter, which had begun to dry, stiffen, and flake off, leaving their coats with thick patches of flour and egg. Trenderhoof’s sweater was a damp, misshapen mess. His pale blond mane was still wet and plastered close to his head. Cheese was less thoroughly battered, but his coat was drying into bristles from being blasted with the hose. His mane and tail were shorter, surrounded by blackened, frizzy ends that had begun to crumble away. His rubber chicken, however, was in pristine condition: he’d probably grabbed it and protected it somehow when chaos broke loose.
Flash knew that he himself looked like a parade ground nightmare. It would take hours and hours to get his armor clean and burnish it back up to its usual shine. His metal boots were still full of waffle batter caking his fetlocks. He quickly removed his helmet, but that didn’t help: it just created a flour line halfway up his mane and made it look as though he’d dipped it in library paste.
“That has to be Cheese Sandwich,” Twilight said, rising from her throne and coming closer. “I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard time recognizing you two.”
Spike squinted at them. “Is that Trenderhoof?” Trenderhoof nodded, his eyes on the ground and his head bowed in embarrassment. “Twilight, can we just put him back in the dungeon and maybe leave him there for a kazillion million years?”
She laughed. “Absolutely not, Spike.” She turned to them. “I’ve heard from the café owners. Fortunately, there was less damage than they’d thought: some smoke marks, a burned bag of potatoes, smashed dishes and a big mess, but nothing that can’t be fixed. What they don’t know is how it happened or why, and I’m hoping you can explain that part.”
“How” was easy to explain. “Why” was entirely different, because Flash wasn’t sure now himself. He was trying to come up with an explanation that made any kind of sense and that didn’t implicate the fortuneteller, when Pinkie Pie interrupted.
“They were fulfilling their destiny, of course!” she said. “Duh.”
“Excuse me?” said Twilight.
“I mean, you’ve got a destiny, right?” said Pinkie, trotting in front of them. “You said ‘magic of friendship, woo’ and our destinies got fixed and then your new wings went ‘spoing’ and Princess Celestia said you were a princess, and that was your destiny, so these guys have gotta have destinies too and they’re waffle stealers, and you can totally tell from their cutie marks.” She pointed at Flash, “He’s got a spatula or something.” She turned to Trenderhoof. “And he’s got a waffle iron. And Cheesie’s got a grilled cheese sandwich, which almost kinda counts, only it’s an accordion, too, so not really, and besides, he’s a party pony like me and that’s all that really matters.” She trotted back to stand beside Cheese.
Twilight massaged her temples. “I don’t think their cutie marks are a spatula and a waffle iron, but even if they were, how would they know? It’s not the kind of thing most ponies would think of, especially grown ponies with jobs.”
“Because I told him, of course!” said Pinkie, pointing at Flash again.
“Ah,” said Twilight. “Yes. I wouldn’t say this is beginning to make sense, but I have a better idea of how it might have happened.”
“But,” Flash Sentry cut in, and then stopped.
“Go on,” said Twilight. “I’m afraid I don’t remember you, so you’ll have to remind me.”
What a way to introduce myself to a princess, thought Flash. “Flash Sentry.”
“Go on, Flash Sentry.”
“I’m sorry, Your Highness,” he said, looking straight ahead as though he were in parade lineup. “Your friend did give me the idea, but I’m still responsible.”
Twilight walked up to him and looked him directly in the eye. “Yes,” she said slowly. “Yes, you are. Now, Cheese,” she added, turning to him, “how did you get involved in this?”
“I’m not really sure,” replied Cheese. “I was going to set up camp for the night with Boneless 2, and I ran into these two, and they told me to come along with them, and things just spiraled out of control from there.”
“And you’re here because your Cheesy Sense told you there was going to be a party you had to throw. Is that it?” said Twilight. She was becoming very good at not giving away what she was thinking. She’d learned a thing or two about diplomacy from her mentor.
“I . . . um . . .” Cheese began, and hesitated, looking from side to side, then cleared his throat. “No,” he said. “I’m not here because of any party. I’m here because I wanted to see Pinkie.”
Twilight smiled slightly. “I’m always glad when ponies tell the truth,” she said. “It makes my job a lot easier. I’d tell you to go and help clean up the café, but I have the feeling that the owners would be much happier if you didn’t. We are having a party, as it happens, and I’d be honored if you’d stay and help Pinkie with it. As her assistant,” she added somewhat severely, as Cheese was looking indecently happy about this decision. “This isn’t meant to be a reward.” She walked back to her throne and seated herself again.
“C’mon, Cheesie,” said Pinkie, turning and beginning to trot away. “You heard what Twilight said: you’ll have to be my assistant. And first you’re going to Sugarcube Corner and taking a bath, ‘cause all that crusty batter and frizzy black stuff makes you look and smell awful.”
“Yes, boss,” he said meekly, following her.
“I like the new mane style, though,” she added, as they trotted through the door.
“Thanks!”
“Twilight, I didn’t know we were having a party,” said Spike.
“We are now,” said Twilight, floating a clipboard towards herself, glancing over it, and making a few tics with a quill. “We’ve just opened the castle. We can probably throw a castle-warming party. Besides, there’s always a festival or celebration or something going on every few days. Pinkie will think of something, and it will keep Cheese busy and doing something useful the whole town can enjoy. Trenderhoof, maybe you can explain your part in this for me.”
Trenderhoof sighed. “I really can’t. I was at the bookstore in Canterlot and this gentleman mentioned waffle stealing, and something just snapped. Your friend said something about destiny. I thought I was a journalist, but for all I know, maybe I am a waffle stealer. I just don’t know anymore. I’m terribly tired. They would have been excellent waffles, however,” he said. “I’m positive on that point. The rest is just a blur.”
“Trenderhoof,” said Twilight, “will you please come a bit closer? Excuse me,” she added in a softer tone. She used her magic to lift Trenderhoof’s lip and looked all around the gumline until she reached the corner of his mouth. His gums were an unpleasantly pale color, and when she gently pried his mouth open to look inside, the roof of his mouth and his tongue were the same pale shade. She allowed his mouth to drop closed, and looked gravely at the dark circles under his eyes and the way his sweater hung loose around the cuffs. “You really don’t look well.”
The travel writer drooped his head. “I’m really not, no. I’d been thinking of going away, out into the country.”
Twilight nodded. “I think that’s a good idea. In fact, I think you should go right away, before Rarity and Applejack realize you’ve been here, and I don’t think you should go back to Canterlot alone.” She turned to one of the Royal Guards. “Would you accompany Mr. Trenderhoof to the train and ride with him to Canterlot? In fact, both of you may go," she said to the other guard. "And I am sure you understand--not a word of this to anypony."
“Yes, Your Highness," they said, taking Trenderhoof between them, and leaving the Princess, Spike, and Flash alone.
“As for you, um, Smash Entry?”
Flash sighed. “Flash Sentry.”
“Flash Sentry,” said Twilight. “You said you’re responsible for this, and I think you are. What in the name of Celestia were you thinking?”
“I wish I could answer that,” he said. “But when your friend was telling my future, she said I had a chance at being somepony; that I could be great at something. Waffle stealing made about as much sense as anything else. And,” he burst out, “I really wanted to have an adventure. The Guards isn’t the way you’d think it would be, Your Highness. It’s mostly standing around. It was stupid and irresponsible, and we broke a lot of stuff, and I got covered in waffle batter, and spent some time in a dungeon, but it was sort of an adventure. I’ll remember it for the rest of my life, anyway, so maybe it counts.”
“Please,” he said, “I know you should tell Prince Shining Armor, but that would be the end of my career in the Guards.” The end of me, he thought, because I’m a lousy Guard, but I’m even worse at everything else, and I just want to go back to being a non-entity again.
Twilight Sparkle frowned. “No,” she said. “No, I won’t tell him. I don’t have to tell my brother everything. Still, I must do something with you, Slash Defenestrate.”
“Marry me?” he suggested, and then slapped both front hooves over his mouth. Argh, no! Where in Tartarus did that come from? “I mean, no!” he blurted. “I don’t mean that! I don’t want to marry you at all!” Argh, worse! I am dead. I am so, so dead. He covered his face with his front legs, waiting for the fury of offended royalty, waiting for the end.
Princess Twilight started to cough, and then twitch, and finally threw herself backwards, all four legs in the air, making wheezing noises.
"Twilight," Spike gasped, "are you all right?"
“AH HAH HAH HAH!” Twilight howled, laughing. “AH HAH HAH HOO!” She was actually waving her legs now, completely incoherent with guffaws.
Flash ventured a look. The Princess of Friendship and Libraries was rolling from side to side, snorting with mirth, tears streaming down her face.
“Whoo!” she finally said, rolling onto her front, getting to her feet, and levitating a hanky to her face. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose. “I haven’t laughed like that in a long time. Um, no, thanks, Flash. I think I can come up with something better.”
Look on the bright side, he told himself later in the kitchen of the Ponyville Café, his front legs half submerged in a tub of dishes. I’ve still got my job. And at least I made a princess laugh.