I'm a gamer above anything else but I do enjoy reading and writing quite a bit. I'm just a writer for fun.
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Having committed one of the greatest crimes in Equestrian history Twilight finds herself exiled from her home. None of her close friends side with her during her hearing and she is curious as to why. At the same time she is presented with options she never had in Equestria and a chance at a life more on her own terms than playing nice with nobles or simply being a librarian first and a princess second. Which priority will prevail or can she achieve both?
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Excellent start, looking forward to more.
It was an accident! So it's not genocide, it's speciesslaughter.
very well written, although i saw a couple of punctuation errors in there when she was recapping what happened during her capture. all in all, i can't wait for more! i just hope this isn't going to be one of those stories where it takes months for it to update, only to ultimately be abandoned. i love exiled twilight fics, since they always incorporate my favorite themes all into one story.
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Heh, thanks you all for reading and commenting. I'll see about fixing those mistakes when I have a bit more time. I almost didn't get this out today as it was given how many distractions kept popping up while writing it and trying to get it posted.
Hopefully it will not suffer from that kind of delay but I can't guarantee it'll be finished by the end of the week like my other stories mostly have been, if for no other reason that I expect to be rather busy the next few days.
Nice start. One thing I feel that should have been brought up in the trial is that twilight was effectively backed into a wall with no way out and had she not done what she did, they would not even be having said trial. Even with celestia feeling terrible about doing that to twilight, the fact they all ignored it is only proof of THEIR innocent arrogance. If twilight had been turned, as celestia said, she is already a threat in power so even with Lunas help it may have been a downhill sloped battle.
Oh wow someone added a story, makes me feel bad for pulling out of the contest. Maybe I should post what I have so far.
the combination of the tile and the still existing mind link......im guessing the changelings arent gone yet and twilight will lead them or better yet raise them (would make sense if she found some hidden eggs)
Im looking forward to the next chapter^^
Not the greatest writing in the world, but not bad at all. Really really good premise though, so I'm definitely interested.
I really don't buy this. She's hopeless at lying, so it just makes sense that she'd be hopeless at detecting lies too. Yes, she's the "Element of Honesty", but we've never seen any indication that any of the elements have given any of their bearers any special abilities that they didn't have before.
You could have just had Celestia cast a lie detector spell, as many other unicorns have done in many other fics.
i like it.
And clestia, why would she come back when she has nothing to come back to at that point except spike?
Uhm... in the interest of my curiosity, anyone good with writing lines for Zecora?
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Thanks for reading and I hope you are enjoying the story and will enjoy where it goes.
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Yeah, well I would like to say its for the contest but I don't think this will be ready by the second deadline. I'm just going to go ahead and write it because I spent months planning the thing anyway at this point. Admittedly, with how long chapter one was I might make it long enough for the third one.
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I also have no reason not to assume that the Elements confer powers to their bearers either. We have never been explicitly told they did not that I am aware of and as usual this is an alternate universe story so some things in the world might work differently.
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Shhh! You'll spoil the story.... oops.
4158624 , don't worry I will like if it turns out anything like the prologue
and I am sorta good at ponies like zicora but I can not make something NOT confusing. read my stories if you want prove.
.....
More...
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Don't worry, I intend to have the next chapter up by tomorrow night barring accidents, alien abduction, and brain washing.
Hmm, very interesting. Some changelings yet remain and twilight doesn't seem to have the whole story, if what her friends said is anything to go by.
More!
Keep it up this just got 20% realer!
I like this story, looking forward to reading more. Also you said 'back' instead of 'pack' in the first paragraph
Al tho there are some of us that do belive that the changlings are looked on as parasites because of what Queen Chrisslis did
Twists and Turns are the Master Plan...
Eventually, Twilight will end up back where she began.
Moarplz.
If I were Twilight in this situation, I would be feeling pretty pissed at Celestia and my so-called "friends". She gets exiled for actions taken in self defense during a time where she was mentally compromised against an enemy that is essentially at war with Equestria, just because of how badly it ended for said aggressor? Wow ...
I will readily admit that genocide is a horrible thing and I am more than happy to accommodate moral systems that place a much greater weight on the taking of lives than our own, but the fact that Twilight was essentially being mindraped at the time (effects of which she is still feeling even now) should warrant consideration of whether she can be held responsible for her actions at the time. You might as well try Shining Armor for treason for failing to stop the changeling invasion with his shield because he was under the Queen's influence.
I have to wonder how the general populace is taking this - I imagine not all are happy with Celestia's decision. As far as everyone in recent memory can remember, Twilight has done much more to safeguard Equestria than Celestia and has saved the country and its citizens on multiple occasions. Even this unfortunate incident essentially removed a hostile and active threat to Equestrian population, which is more than the older Princess can claim to have done as far as anyone can remember. One can only hope it comes to bite her in the flank ...
On that note, wouldn't Twilight simply try and move to Crystal Empire at this point? Since Celestia herself established that the Empire, being another country, has no say in Equestrian matters, the reverse holds true as well. As such, Shining is perfectly positioned to give Celestia the flip and accept Twilight in his and Cadence's country with open hooves.
4167119 Imperfect self-defense is still punishable usually, though exile does seem way too severe.
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I don't believe our laws are strictly applicable to Equestria in this regard - they have actual magic to consider in their daily lives after all, and whatever laws they might have would (should?) reflect that. I mean, mind control is a literal thing there - like literal, magic inducted mind control, something we have no equivalent to.
Twilight was literally being subject to being mindraped via telepathic means - that's not quite the same as "I freaked out and before I knew what was what, the other guy was dead before me, woops" - her mind was literally being invaded and bent under the control of another; she is still somewhat unstable from the after-effects.
Thankfully we don't have to concern ourselves with anything like that, but I would imagine Equestria to have some sort of different rules for crimes committed while under mind-controlling effects ... even if it backfires horribly for the offender.
I imagine there is a reason Twilight felt betrayed by the judgment passed down on her.
Well, the story is promising, and I do like me some badass Twilight. There's a lack of that, I think.
The only irritating bit was how quickly Twi's friends threw her under the bus. Not entirely unprecedet, but it's still kinda OC I think. And frankly, it just makes for a worse story if they're just wrong.
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She was outside sovereign Equestrian territory too. I'm unsure if they even had a legal right to try her for genocide. Especially since her act qualifies as xenocide.
And frankly, committing xenocide on the Changelings made the world a better place. They kidnap sapient beings and feed on them. Thats how they survive. They eat people. If humanity survived an invasion of brain eating parasites, as per Canterlot Wedding, it probably would've bought us a few years of world peace as we all joined as one and hunted down each and every bug. One extinction, served hot and probably radioactive.
I expect the more sensible nations to begin sending her 'Thank You' cards and gift baskets.
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It's made even murkier by the fact that the Changelings are, technically, at war with Equestria. And as one of the rulers of the country (while she doesn't normally seem to do much, as per the season opener we know the army reports to her when the other Princesses are unavailable), it should be well within her rights to carry out military offensives against foreign national threats ...
And yet they choose to screw her over despite the circumstances (being under the process of being mindraped at the time) just so they could wash their hooves of the whole thing and retain a squeaky clean image, when Twilight would have actually been in line for (another) medal? (And, like you said, when other countries would probably feel happy about the changeling's demise as well)?
Yeah ... Twi has plenty reasons to feel pissed.
what if twilight died and queen crissy thinks she's twilight?
Jumping for joy to see more, please update soon!
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I should have something up near the start of next week. I won't be home this weekend to work on it, sadly.
exiled twilight always has violence as a key part of the story(or it has been for the ones i have read), so if we're reading this, we should have already known that. and i'm liking this twilight! ruthless, efficient, calculating, and slightly mad! the perfect recipe for an interesting story!
Hooray for insanity.
Insanity is ALWAYS fun! Just look at the Joker!
4496776 Well I think that she has always had an insaine streek to her look at what happened during "Lession Zero"
4496835 i know, and she's so much funner when she let's it out!
You know with Twilight's charcter, I expected she always had a more ruthless side, or a sever case of form similar to PSD, by the fact that when she is not in battle she suffer panic attacks. In the serries, she is always panicing when it comes to tests and keeping freindship, like she is desperatly trying to understand it and act acrodding. But when she is in life or death, or take charge like a military leader with troops, she seems calm, controlled.
The biggest examples is the battle with Teriek. Before the battle, she couldn't control her power due to her pancing mod. But once she started to fight, she began to control and untilized her power, like she could focused into battle.
This is an interesting story that I will definitely continue to read, but it seems rather weak in a few ways.
The writing could really use some editing. I noticed a lot of problems with grammar, especially missing commas. And the dialogue could really use some work. A lot of it doesn't really sound like something anyone would actually say.
Many of the characters seem to be acting off. As this is an alternate universe, I can accept them having somewhat different personalities than they do in the show, but you're going to have to explain why. For example, I can accept that Twilight did not immediately freak out when she was captured by Chrysalis because you established that in this universe, this is something that she's prepared for and.or experienced for years. But you haven't really explained why Twilight isn't more distraught that she killed all those changelings and the assassins. The assassins I can kind of understand because she's apparently got Chrysalis in her brain or something, but even then, I'd expect Twilight to still be shocked and emotional after she snapped out of it and realized that Chrysalis's mind was taking over. Then only reason I can think of that she wouldn't would be that she has killed a pony before. And if that is the case, you'll probably want to bring it up at some point. And with the changelings, Chrysalis's mind should actually be making her even more distraught about the whole thing, so the only explanations I can think of for her attitude are that she was either keeping up a really good poker face for the court, or she very firmly believes that the changelings are evil and their deaths were no great loss. But the former idea is shot down because her emotions don't seem any different in her head or when she's alone, and the latter is shot down because she's now trying to save the eggs, and because Twilight probably wouldn't think that when Celestia clearly doesn't.
And then there are Twilight's friends and Celestia. You've hinted that they had a reason for the way they acted, and all I can say is that it had better be a really good one.
And there's this little plot hole in the first chapter that bugs me:
Hmmm...If only we had some way to tell if what Twilight says is true.
Oh. Well then.
And finally, there's one thing I was wondering from the most recent chapter. If Twilight stole the assassin's memories, does that mean she knows who sent them? Sure, there's not much she could do herself at the moment, but she could at least tell Luna who sent them, and I'm sure she could find a way to punish them for it.
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Skipping a bit ahead of the story there. Things will be explained relating to most of those issues. I thought I had implied, rather heavily, that Twilight has killed other ponies before but I suppose I'll have to actually throw in a flashback of one of those times.
An amusing thing is that even with magic telling you if the person is telling the truth it is still limited to the truth as the person speaking knows it. If she did things she can't remember and then denied having done them it would still ring true. Similarly, detecting a lie does not detect omission.
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Ah yes, the dialogue is a bit weak. It's part of the delay. I kept trying to tweak it and never got satisfied with the results. I spent about a week looking it over and couldn't find any more satisfactory a way to do it. As it was I culled a lot of what would have been little more than an exposition dump during the dream sequence to show in later chapters rather than tell here.
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Maybe you did and I just missed it. It was clear that Twilight has been in some fights before, but I don't think you ever really said that she deliberately killed anypony. Like when Spike mentioned the students trying to off her in a "training accident," it's not clear if she killed her attackers or just beat them up and knocked them out or something. And even if she did kill them, it wouldn't count if it was an accident. She has to have deliberately killed ponies before, probably several times, to have as little reaction as she does.
Oh, and anything Twilight said or did when the assassins were attacking her wouldn't necessarily imply that she's killed anypony before either, because we have no way of knowing if those are really Chrysalis's memories or not.
But you don't have to throw in a flashback to Twilight killing anypony unless it's relevant to the story in some other way. Doing so would be an unnecessary distraction. You can just put something in the narration like "Twilight had never liked it when she had been forced to kill another pony." (Not the best line, I know, but it's what I came up with on the spot.) You could even use something like that to also show how Chrysalis's memories are affecting her.
This is true, but in the first passage I quoted, Celestia is just questioning Twilight's motives, so not remembering what she did wouldn't really be an issue. And a bit of questioning could take care of any omissions.
i hope the next chapter wont take so long^^
a small question: will twilight stay alicorn or will she transform over time while she is ruling/rebuilding the changelings
4498144 I wonder that too mate I hope she changes
nice fight seance. you made her a tinny bit op but now it is understandable with the training that the assassins have. keep it up and hope to see more soon
4496776 agreed
This story wasn't badly written, but I just couldn't buy the premise. There is enough leeway in what Twilight did that anyone with two brain cells could probably successfully defend her, and you'd think of all ponies Celestia would be the most willing to forgive Twilight for a crime she didn't mean to commit. I'm not going to down-vote but I won't be reading on
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Ah, so long then. Have a good day.
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OK, having actually read forward a little bit. I think I might actually give this story a chance. Consider it a bit of a rush judgement on my part. Sides, I can pass any problems I have off as part of the AU. That tag can do wonders for my suspension of disbelief.
Get to work!
The imitation of justice in this chapter is just sad. Ignorance of an action's consequences is an entirely adequate defense; it's ignorance of the law that's traditionally no excuse. That is, if one has no way to know that pushing a button will (say) override safety measures leading to death or injury, pushing the button is not murder or manslaughter; if there were some way to discern the button's function, it might be negligence or similar, but even that clearly does not apply here. Add to that the mitigating factors of "self-defense", "defending the Crowns" (she's a head of state, seriously), and "magical supervillain trap gone horribly wrong", and, as presented, only a kangaroo court could ever find Twilight guilty. And Twilight should know this.
Reading the other two chapters, it seems that her former friends know there's more to the events than she's aware of, but that just makes the trial scene worse. They're falsely condemning her on insufficient evidence in order to compensate for some perceived guilt in evidence they can't reveal? Great. Awesome. It's wonderfully fair to banish someone for secret charges they can't defend against because they literally don't even remember them and which you aren't going to mention. Nobody expects the Equestrian Inquisition!
And mind you, these are not minor details of some particular court system that can reasonably vary; these are fundamental principles of justice that cannot be violated without severe problems. Such as we see here. (The note by another poster that there's allegedly magical lie detection in place, but that Celestia then ignores this verification in order to dismiss some of Twilight's defense as unfounded, is just the icing on the cake.)
There might be the germ of an interesting story here, but I don't think it's worth continuing to read. The premise is too wrapped within layers of idiot balls and betrayal to be tolerable.
The characters seem a bit stiff, particuarly in the dialogue.
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Stiff like bad actors, stiff like they can't believe what they are saying, or stiff like someone not speaking in their native language?
5516700 Stiff like it doesn't feel natural. It feels forced. I have a hard time seeing the characters we're used to behaving or speaking like they do here.
Twilight facing the pegasi assassins is a good example.
This sounds like something out of a manga, not something Twilight Sparkle would say. Even if, as you seem to be hinting, she's been affected by Chrysalis' memories/mind control. I say that you seem to be hinting at it, because there isn't enough of the Twilight we know to compare it to.
Just how far does the AU tag go, here? Twilight's willing to kill and has apparently dealt with would-be killers before. Her friends know something more happened at the hive but never spoke up about it, even neglecting to tell Celestia from the look of things. Celestia jumped straight to banishment, when surely there were other options, like memory spells to verify Twilight's story or a magical check-up to see if Twilight had been mentally affected by Chrysalis, as she claimed.