• Member Since 18th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 30 minutes ago

law abiding pony


Just a hobbyist writer with aspirations of making a career in it.

Sequels1

T

In the wake of Chrysalis' failed invasion, a different hive breaks tradition and steps into the light to open relations with Equestria. The ever eager scholar, Twilight Sparkle, uses this truce as the perfect opportunity to learn more about this enigmatic race. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, she will learn all there is to know about what it means to be a changeling.

But will Twilight lose herself in the hive, or will she regain what she has lost? Only time will tell.




Featured on 9/24/13

My first featured story! You guys are awesome.

Cover art done by: Tulip

My Editor in Chief: Cloud Hop

Chapters (11)
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Comments ( 1501 )

Off to a decent start.

So far your story has gotten off to a good start. I'll favorite it and wait for the next chapter.

Off to a good start. I'll be watching this.

You have my attention good sir. This should be interesting to see how things play out. :moustache:

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Something that will potentially distract you from the greatest story I've ever read!

Hey wait a sec, this is pretty dang good!

I shall also fav this! And I shall await the next chapter eagerly!

A Changeling story?! 8D

Now you're talking my lingo! And the best part? It's written by you!

But will Twilight lose herself in the hive, or will she regain what she has lost? Only time will tell.

To lose and claim anew, or to claim anew only to lose. That is the way of things in Castle Oblivion. :pinkiecrazy:

I must admit I cringed slightly at the name "Cresnox Jungle" but past that this is pretty good :pinkiehappy: Please, continue...

Oh dear, I think I'm addicted to this story now. Need more! anyway I can't wait to see how Twi gets transformed into a changeling and how she'll fix the issue... hopefully with Queen Cadista helping as well.:twilightsmile:

BTW, My people does not need hyphenated.

>returns from work
>checks notifications

Holy... I didn't think this story would grow so popular so fast.:pinkiehappy:

3250402

What's wrong about the name?

3249293

I'll get around to tCToH. But I felt like I needed to write something fresh to shake up the old cobwebs.

3249946

Thanks for the vote of confidence. :twilightsmile:

3253219

I use long hyphens like — during dialogue to demonstrate that the speaker pauses briefly while … or (Ellipsis) are for much longer pauses.

I do that mostly so I don't have to break up dialogue just to say

"blah blah" speaker paused. "Blah blah"

Really good. Can't wait for more chapters.

Nice, I like the new chapter. I particularly liked the way you did the intro perspective from Twilight.

A couple corrections to consider:

--You missed the [ /i] to close the italics somewhere in the middle, so the whole second half is italicized.
--The position of the Hatchery in relation to the rest of the city is somewhat vague. It's hard to tell whether it's outside the city or inside on a lower level.
--When you first describe the barrier, it's hard to tell whether it's a physical dome or an energy dome. Once they get to the tower it becomes fairly clear that it's made of energy, but in it's initial description that's hard to tell.
--There are a few places where words are missing.


Aside from that, it seems like you're off to a good start with this. Just don't forget to go back and clear up all the timeline issues that are inherent in skipping forward so drastically as you have between chapters one and two when you continue from here on out. I'm sure you will, but the little details that separate a good story from a great one can sometimes get lost in the shuffle if you're not careful. I look forward to seeing what you have in store for this.

3253848

gah, I hate missing those [ /i] commands, thanks for the catch, and I cleared up the barrier issue. As for the hatchery, that'll come back in later so I'll explain its location then. I'll try to hunt down those missing words.

As for the timeline, it'll get explained a bit later. Hope you keep enjoying the story!

not bad, i like the idea so far! hope to see the next part soon :D

3253892
I don't doubt that the timeline will be solidified later, I just kind of wanted to draw your attention to an often overlooked aspect of it, specifically the attention to detail; especially when it comes to character reactions and thoughts. Doing the skip the way you did is a bold move, and one that could prove to be incredibly effective in a story like this, but if it does somehow get away from you it can cause more harm than good. I've seen far too many stories with a lot of promise fall flat because a small but crucial detail was overlooked.

But you haven't disappointed so far, so I have faith in your abilities.

hmm i do not like how quickly the pace changed but ill keep and eye

3253351

It just kind of jumped out at me in a bad way, like an obviously and unapologetically made-up word. If it's justified by some kind of linguistical thing beyond my ken, I withdraw the objection, but it stands out oddly amongst the usual pony names. Cadista stands out much less, and also made sense to me when I read it - my thought process was along the lines of "the name 'Cadista' appears related to 'caddisfly', and those are insects like Changelings are, and therefore this is a good name for a Changeling" - but "Cresnox" I did not see coming and didn't see any parallels to anything it could be referencing, and it doesn't follow any of the naming conventions used in the show or introduced in the story yet, so it surprised me.

TL;DR: the name jumped out as made-up and was a bit jarring to my linguistic sensibilities compared to the otherwise good names for the new things. This story's good beyond that, so I'll live :twilightsmile:

oh! now thats a twist! i wonder how Celestia will react to this! :D

This is a very good story so far, so I'm going to keep an eye on it. :rainbowkiss:

>>>Gloss recognized the stallion as the minister of public safety. “Tell me Kickback, who warned you of the invasion in the first place?”

The minister couldn’t answer, but Celestia could. “You did. And you requested no recompense after the fact. Why?”>>>

Hmm, this is an internal logic flaw. The first thing Celestia would do after the changeling invasion is find out who sent the warning and how they knew about a race nopony had heard of before.

The warning was supposed to be anonymous in the episode, which makes more sense then that Celestia would not know how to identify the sender.

oh i really like the pacing shift and the twilight characterization is great. its been awhile since i've been this excited about a story.

3254277


Not necessarily. Shining Armor only said it was anonymous, but he could have said that just to protect Gloss who wanted to remain anonymous. Its possible that even SA didn't know and Gloss went straight to Celestia about it.

Outside of that however, this is just the author capitalizing on the ambiguity of the show's writers. If the show said who gave the warning, then they would have had to invest time into who the messenger was and that would have leached time from the main plot of the episode.

At least that's how i see it. :applejackunsure:

The real trick will be getting her to willingly stay more and more of her memories return.
^ as

Good story and I already have a good guess as to what happened. a good thing nothing kills it for me more then being kept completely in the dark w/o even a clue.

*Helix the changeling-despising mad scientist uses this story to spread terror and racism!* THE CHANGELINGS CAN TURN PONIES INTO MORE OF THEM AND ERASE OUR MINDS!!

WE HAVE TO KILL THEM ALL!!

*Giant mob of enraged, paranoid ponies with pitchforks, torches... and nukes... heads towards the changeling lands*

Excellent...

farm1.staticflickr.com/29/100276794_548c83c4eb.jpg

might this be the story inspired by mine you spoke of?
If so good on ya, it's already doing better than mine
it seems people really don't like humanized lol. shame, really. I'll get to reading this when it has more chapters

and, as a side note, i've been watching the featured box ever since you said you were writing it
just had a feeling lol : P

3254331

I was more shocked than you probably think when I saw my fic was featured.

Thanks again for the inspiration.

Great chapter. I enjoyed it. I'm ready for the next one.

3254420 glad i inspired something that turned out so well
and I definitely know the feel. There was only one story I've ever written that I ever expected to get more attention to usual and that was the sun and her little sparkle because everybody loves mumlestia.
even so, it's always a pleasant shock when something gets featured. alas, it is also a curse. have fun dealing with people shoving every single little tiny mistake in your face, and then having to see it repeated over and over and over again.
it's only helpful the first time lol

The writing is rather...clinical, isn't it? :unsuresweetie:

Very curious as to how Celestia will react to Twilight not recognizing her. Even if she knows beforehand that Twilight's memories have been wiped and trusts Cadista enough to not let on for the time being, I can't imagine it will be easy for her.

The beginning was jarring to me. I felt like something was missing. I get the feeling a chunk of time was purposely withheld from us, the readers.

Celestia is going to be really pissed.

I am really enjoying this so far. Have a thumb and a fave :twilightsmile:

3255242
That's if she doesn't know about it already. If she doesn't, she'll be rather irate.

"Twilight?!"

"I'm sorry... Do I know you?"

*Celestia is speechless*

"You seem familiar, though... why is that?"

*celestia.exe has encountered a fatal error and must be terminated. Executing righteousfury.exe under parameter purge.txt*

Interesting. I'm hooked.

It's not often I can find nothing bad to say about a story. Well done so far, and keep up the good work.

I'm not sure what I was expecting when starting this story, but it wasn't this. Very awesome take on changeling culture and why X-pony is a changeling. Chapter 2 was a bit jarring at the beginning but rightfully so once you have a vague idea of whats going on. Very well done. Liked, fav'd, and greedily looking forward to more.
:rainbowwild:

This is awesome! Can't wait for more :twilightsmile:

:rainbowhuh::rainbowderp::pinkiegasp:
:raritydespair: Why does it have to be ooovverrrr!

The abrupt shift, works very much in this case. I rather like it. It has a mystery whodunit to the approach of accident or feudal hostage bond. The next chapter should be quite a blast to see which is which, and a rather nasty view when the clear fact is shown.

That was until they started repeating two words. Wake up. The entity was confused. Wake up. A jolt lanced through the mind, and the orange coloration became extremely pronounced. Wake up Twilight Sparkle.

Couldn't help but think of this:

I will enjoy reading this!

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