The Misadventures of Osaka Jones

by RabidTonberry

Drinking with a Wonderbolt

Ch. 19

I relaxed and rested my head on the end of my hoof as I continued to smirk at the fiery colored mare that sat on the other side of the bar studying me. The mare in question (Spitfire) took the glass of whiskey I had offered her and began to study it as she did a new recruit as I let my mind drift to how I had ended up in this sleazy bar so fast.

I roused awake from probably the best sleep I had gotten the past month by someone pounding on the door to Rainbow’s house in early hours of the morning. I cracked an eye and glanced down below me and saw that Lyra had decided to cover her head in her pillow and just ignore the banging and went back to sleep. I groaned and was about to get up and give the early morning interloper a piece of my mind when I heard distinct banging come from above. I silently prayed for our guest safety for it was never a good idea to wake Rainbow Dash up in the morning before she needed too.

The mare in question stomped her way down the stairs a second later. Her multi colored mane sticking up every which way in a serious case of bed head, the feathers of her wings in a similar case as her hair, her eyes were squinted to slits and a scowl graced her face. I’m sure I didn’t look any better but I got up off the couch so I could stop her from killing our visitor if I needed too.
Rainbow almost ripped the door off its cloud hinges as she opened the door with a, “WHAT!” that died on her lips when she saw who it was.

On the other side of the door stood Soarin with a bright eyed smile that clearly didn’t realize how ungodly the hour was, “Hiya Cuz,” he said continuing to smile.

Rainbow eyed him through a sleep crusted eyes, “Come back in three hours,” she said closing the door on him. Rainbow turned from the door and trotted to me, “Find out what he wants I’m going back to sleep,” she grumbled before giving me a quick peck on the cheek and heading back up the stairs.

I watched her go up before my head swiveled back to the door. I sighed before going over and opening it. I gestured for Soarin to enter, “Always good to see you Soar,” I yawned, “Let me put on some coffee and you can tell me why you’re here so early.”

“It’s not early it’s after four,” he argued.

“Is this a house full of Wonderbolts Soarin?”

“Well technically no.”

“Then it’s early, so shut up,” I said entering the kitchen and turning on the coffee pot, “Now take a seat and tell me why you’re here.”

“But you told me to shut up.”

“Soarin I’m only slightly more chipper then Rainbow when it comes to getting woken up abruptly and just let me inform you that you woke me up from probably the best sleep I’ve gotten all month, so spit it out,” I growled in his face.

“Spitfire wants to see you,” he yelped.

“Who’s that,” I asked while I poured the coffee into two mugs. “Thank god for magical coffee machines,” I muttered under my breath.

“You know Spitfire,” he said giving me a look that screamed come on bro.

I just stared back and cocked my head.

“Leader of the Wonderbolts?” he continued.

I stared blankly, still lost.

“My boss?”

“Uhh, still not ringing a bell,” I said taking a seat and sliding his cup of coffee over to him.

“Bright orange mare with her mane styled to look like fire-”

“Is that natural?” I interrupted.

“Of course it is! If Dashie’s mane is naturally colored that way then of course Spitfire’s is!”

“I still have my doubts that Rainbow’s mane is naturally rainbow, but I guess I’ll find out myself in due time. Wait do ponies have pubis hair?” I asked pushing my chair back and inspecting myself down there, “Weird it’s like a darker patch of orange fur with a few small purple hairs down there…I need to get a razor.”

Soarin slammed his hoof on the table, “We’re getting off topic here Osaka!”

“Hey careful there are ponies trying to sleep you know.”

Soarin sighed and rolled his eyes, “Look Spitfire wants to see you so she can discuss a deal in making Osaka Trace Whiskey the official drink of the Wonderbolts.”

Me? Shouldn’t she be talking to the Apple Family about something like that?”

Soarin chuckled and scratched the back of his head, “Yeah about that.”

I took a sip of my coffee and motioned Soarin to continue.

“This is actually my second stop this morning. I went to Sweet Apple Acres first and spoke to Applejack as she was getting up to start her morning chores. She says the Apple Family is only responsible for production and shipment to local product disrupters including special delivers and custom orders of course. Any potential expanding sales or special promotions/branding most be handled by the spirt in question brew master I. E. Osaka Shanghai Twist Jones. She then pulled me to the side and told me to not to break Braeburn’s heart otherwise Big Mac and her will break my heart physically. She can be a scary mare when she wants to be,” Soarin finished.

I groaned and rubbed my temples while I processed what Soarin just said, “So she basically said buck off make Osaka do it.”

“Yup,” Soarin smiled.

“Well it’s not like I had anything else planned today,” I sighed, “When does she want to see me?”

“You have enough time to take a shower. Then we better get going,” Soarin stated.

I blinked in surprise and frowned at Soarin, “Dude really? It’s four in the morning!”

“Yeah we’re burning daylight here OJ! Now get your cute flanks in the shower and let’s get this day going,” He said taking flight and pushing me out of my chair and onto my hooves, “Come on Private get in that shower!”

“Did I just get unknowingly get drafted into the military and you’re just not telling me,” I asked as I headed out of the kitchen.

“There hasn’t been a military draft in Equestria for a thousand years so you have nothing to worry about,” Soarin answered from the kitchen, “Now go get clean. While you’re doing that I’ll make you a quick breakfast so you’re not flying to Cloudsdale on an empty stomach.”

“So much for a peaceful morning,” I groaned heading up the stairs. Reaching the second floor I made a quick detour before going to the bathroom to take that shower that Soarin was so adamant about. I pushed Rainbow’s bedroom door open and poked my head inside. I took in Rainbow’s sparsely decorated room for a second before landing on the blanket covered lump that laid on Rainbow’s queen size bed. I made my way over and nuzzled the side of Rainbow’s exposed cheek.

Rainbow kept her eyes closed but she lightly smiled, “What did Soarin want?” she muttered.

“Me, I get to take a field trip with your cousin and meet his boss,” I replied.

Rainbow cracked a pupil open and gazed at me with a tired eye, “What’s Spitfire want with you?”

“She wants to discuss a sponsorship deal with the Wonderbolts and my whiskey.”

Rainbow closed her eye and snuggled deeper into her pillow, “Okay have fun and tell Spitfire I said hi. Just remember to be respectful and don’t follow any strange mares or stallions home or I’ll kill you,” she said falling back to sleep at the end.

I shook my head and gave her a quick kiss before heading to the shower.

It wasn’t long before Soarin and I took to the skies. The flight to Cloudsdale was only a measly hour long flight which surprised me. I always assumed it was much further away. Of course Soarin boasted that he could do the flight in twenty if he wasn’t escorting me. I told him to be quiet or I was going to go home and back to bed. That shut him up. A measly hour later Soarin and I were soaring through the serene cloud buildings of Cloudsdale. I was in utter awe of my surroundings, I have heard about Cloudsdale during my time in Equestria from Rainbow, Soarin, and pretty much every other Pegasus I know, but just hearing about doesn’t bring justice to it when you see it with your own eyes. Buildings of pure cloud and of every possible shape and size flanked me. They all surrounded, which also happen to be our destination, the cloudsdale coliseum that stood in the center of the airborne city. It reminded of me of the ancient roman coliseum I always wanted to visit back in my home world, and I was in awe. I wanted to hold off the meeting with Spitfire and explore the city but Soarin assured me that he was going to give me a tour after the meeting so I let my request drop.
Soarin and I flew down to the field and trotted to a nearby door. He led me through a series of identical hallways till we reached a wooden door with a frosted glass window in it. On the window in black raised letters were the words, “Wonderbolt Captain Spitfire”. I gulped as Soarin opened door. I was about to meet the mare that Rainbow held in regard almost as high as Celestia.

So imagine my surprise upon meeting this mare for the first time she was propped up on a recliner snoring away with a little bit of drool hanging out. I turned to Soarin to see his reaction but he just walks over to the orange colored mare and just gentle prods her in the side.

“Mmhmm,” she mumbled her brain trying to fight off awakening.

“Come on Captain, wake up. I brought Osaka here like you asked me too,” Soarin says as he starts to shake her a bit.

Spitfire’s eyes slowly opened and took in her surroundings. She glanced over at me and wiped the drool away from her mouth. She pushed Soarin out of the way and got up. “Ahh Osaka Jones just the stallion I wanted to see,” She said walking to me. She stopped in front of me and saluted, “Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Captain Spitfire Leader of the Wonderbolts. I’m sure you’ve heard of me,” She finished relaxing her posture.

“That I have,” I chuckled.

“Well don’t just stand there come on in and take a seat,” she said leading me further into her office, “Sorry you saw me in such a dire state. I try to grab a little shut eye whenever I can.”

“I have a similar rule,” I said taking a seat in front of what I assumed was her desk as I surveyed my surroundings. The room I found myself in was professionally furnished for a pony that held such a high position such as Spitfire did. The walls were lined with awards she had acquired throughout her career and they stood out against the fine wooden walls that surrounded the room. Her grand oaken desk was covered in papers that I could only assume was part of some chaotic organized mess.

“Now the reason I’ve called you here,” Spitfire began sitting up straight in her chair donning the imitating presence her profession requires.

“Soarin mentioned something about a possible brand deal making my whiskey the official drink of the Wonderbolts,” I said leaning back into my chair.

“Yes, Soarin here,” she gestured to Soarin who was lounging on a small faux leather couch that was against a nearby wall, “had a little keg of your whiskey that he brought back from one of his leaves a few weeks ago and had been giving it out as samples to the rest of the crew, and needless to say they went crazy for it.”

I turned to Soarin, “Hey Soar you want to quit being a Wonderbolt and become my official sales pony?”

Spitfire cleared her throat, “Please don’t try to steal my people in front of me Mr. Jones.”

I blushed and chuckled, “Sorry.”

Spitfire smirked, “Now as I was saying the whole team has taken quite a liking to your little spirit, but I myself never got a chance to taste it. Which is really quite a shame I happen to be a big fan of new and exciting liquors,” she said giving a small glare to Soarin who decided it was a good time to pay attention to an award that was hanging on the wall in front of him instead of our conversation.

“Well I really wish Soarin had something about that matter. I could of easily have grabbed a small keg for samples before I was rushed over here by him,” I said tuning to Soarin.

Soarin continued to stare at the award on the wall as Spitfire also converted her gaze into a glare on him. “Soarin,” she said calm as a cucumber, “I sent you to grab him with the full intention that he would bring samples!” she snapped at the end.

Soarin flinched and lowered his head, “I know it sounds stupid but I just thought Osaka would have some samples stashed away on his person somewhere,” he mumbled.

“Soarin I’ll admit I’m into some freaky shit but I don’t fly to another town early in the morning with free samples of my whisky shoved into my anal cavity!” I paused in thought for a second, “At least not since college,” I muttered.

Spitfire glared harder at Soarin almost as she was trying to explode his head up with her annoyance at him alone, “Soarin you have less then fifteen minutes to acquire this whiskey for my mid-morning nip or you’re off the Wonderbolts!”

“Fifteen minutes,” Soarin gasped, “I’m not my cousin captain!”

“Hold up,” I interrupted holding up my hoof, “I think I have a solution that won’t end in a court martial. Wait a sec I’ve always been confused are the Wonderbolts a branch of the military,” I shrugged waving the spoken thought away, “Never mind doesn’t matter are you guys familiar with a place called the ‘Prancing Pegasus?’

Spitfire raised an eyebrow, “I might, why?”

“If I’m remembering correctly Applejack sent them a case of whiskey to them the other day. I’d imagine that it would be there by now and I’m sure they wouldn’t mind separating with a bottle or two,” I smiled.

No less than thirty minutes later Spitfire, Soarin, and myself found ourselves standing in front a small bar that was shoved into an alley off one of the main sky streets of Cloudsdale. I grinned at the grunginess of the small dive that lay before me, “This seems like my kind of place,” I said plowing forward through the door with my entourage close behind me. The place itself was anything to write home about. It was as big as my first apartment if that. There were wooden booths that lined one side of the wall with tables scattered everywhere else, at least they looked recently cleaned. On the far wall in front of us was the bar and a light grey pegasus with a light blue mane was behind the bar reading a paper. The pegasus looked up when he heard the door close, “Horse apples did I leave the door unlocked again,” he muttered when he saw us approaching, “I’m sorry folks we don’t officially open for another hour,” he said looking back to his paper before doing a double take, “Wait aren’t you Spitfire and Soarin!”

“That they are, and I’m Osaka Shanghai Twist Jones!”

“You look like that pony on the bottle on that new shipment of whakay my boss bought,” the bartender pegasus interrupted.

“That I am!” I continued on, “and it’s pronounced whiskey. Now I know you’re not open yet but I was wondering if I could buy one of those bottles from you. You see I’m currently in a talk with Mrs. Spitfire here in the hopes that they will become the official face of my sprit, but she needs to a sample of it and since some pony here dragged me to a meeting with her not telling me that she wanted to try my whiskey,” I said glancing quickly at Soarin, “I was hoping you might be willing to help me out.

The barkeep scratched his chin, “I don’t see any problem with it but I will have to charge you at least fifty bits for the bottle since my boss already bought it from you fellas, and if any guard ponies come in asking why I’m serving you so early, you’re a sales rep got it?”

“Works for me,” I said pushing my hoof forward for the pegasus to shake which he did, “Awesome it’s a deal Soarin pay the stallion!”

“Why do I have to pay!”

“Cause you’re the main reason why we’re here! Come on Spitfire let’s find a place to sit while Soarin squares up the tab.”

I lead Spitfire to a small booth off in the corner so we could have some privacy. The Bar Pony came by not long after and dropped off the bottle of Osaka Trace, two rocks glasses, and a small ice bucket. I nodded my thanks and glanced at Soarin who decided to stay at the bar so we could talk business in private. I took the bottle in my hooves and bit the cork out. I spat the cork out to the side and placed the bottle back down. “I’ll have to be completely honest with you Spitfire,” I began as I took the two glasses and tossed a few ice cubes into them, “I know how to make the stuff but selling it and making brand deals are not really in my expertise. I’m going to have to talk Applejack into hiring a sales team when I get back home,” I said while pouring a moderate amount of the spirt into each rocks glass. I slid one over to Spitfire and she took it into her hooves.

“Let’s get through the tasting first before we worry about any finer details to this deal. I haven’t agreed to anything yet,” she said taking a tentative sniff of the liquid in the glass.

“Sounds good to me,” I replied.

“So what is this stuff made of?”

“Do you know the three things that Equestria is bountiful of besides Apples?”

“Oranges, cherries, and carrots?” Spitfire hesitantly answered.

“Nope,” I answered with a smile, “the correct answer is corn, barley, and rye. In fact this country is so saturated with those three things. That if all other crops in equestria were to die off suddenly equestria could easily sustain itself for eons on those three things.”

“That doesn’t sound too appetizing.”

“Of course it doesn’t! There’s only so many ways you can fix corn and bread may be delicious but I don’t want to eat it for every meal. I am watching my figure you know.”

“You and me both, so you’re telling me this is made of corn, barley and rye?”

“Yes we make a mash of fifty-one percent corn and fill the other half with barley and rye. We mix that with purified spring water from the Apple Families private spring, and boil it all together in a cooper still and add a secret strain of yeast.”

“A secret strain of yeast?”

“Yes, a secret strain of yeast. Now after we’ve decided it has cooked long enough we drain the mixture we now call White Dog into wooden white oak barrels we have charred the inside of with dragon fire.”

“You use dragon fire to burn the inside of wooden barrels?”

“I know what you’re thinking and I agree. It’s metal as fuck. You see while the White Dog is in those barrels it draws the sugar and other minerals from the burnt wood giving it its sweetness and the brown color as well. Now the traditional way to do this is to let the whiskey sit in the barrels for eight months so it has a chance to fully mature. But time is money on the apple farm so we magically aged the barrels. I was kind of against that idea because it’s not the way it is done back home but it seems to have worked out.”

“What do you mean back home?”

“It’s…a long story. Let’s just say I’m not from Equesrtia.”
“You’re a foreigner?”

“Yes a foreigner that came to Equestria with a simple dream. A dream to get ponies drunk and maybe write a story or two, is that a problem?”

“No not at all, it’s just most foreigners have accents.”

“Like I said it’s a long story ask Soarin for the full story he should know the key points. Now let’s get back to what’s important,” I said taking my glass in my hoof taking a deep whiff of the sweet pungent liquor. “Now this isn’t something you chug like a frat pony on spring break. That would only lead to ruin. This is something you sip and enjoy!” I exclaim taking a sip. I let the liquid roll over my tongue taking in the hints of vanilla, caramel, and the natural oak flavor that seeped into the whiskey during its aging. I swallowed and smirked as I got comfortable. I rested my head on my hoof and regard the fiery colored mare in front of me.

Spitfire eyed the glass in her hoof and took another whiff of the liquid. She took in the pungent faint wooden smell of the liquor. She didn’t hate it; in fact she quite liked it. It reminded her of the times she flew through thick forests for training in emergency dodge rolling techniques. She took a sip and grimaced. She let out a little shudder as she swallowed.

“Yeah the first taste is always the hardest. But now that it has slightly numbed your tongue. Just take a small sip and roll it around your tongue."

Spitfire did as Osaka instructed and took another sip. This time she didn’t find the taste so harsh in fact it was faintly sweet. As she swished it around she even began to pick up the hints of caramel and vanilla that Osaka was talking about earlier.

I smiled at the pleased look that appeared on Spitfire’s face. “So what do you think?” I asked after she swallowed.

“Not bad, not bad at all,” She said smacking her lips, “So how strong is this stuff?”

“Well the Osaka Trace brand is actually strongly diluted from its originally potency to about sixty five proof.”

“Woo, that’s some pretty strong stuff.”

“Yeah strong,” I chuckled before downing the rest of my drink in front of her. I started to pour myself another drink, “Now we do have another brand called the Osaka Reserve which is clocked in at eighty-one proof, and we’re currently in the process of bottling another brand we like to call the Shanghai Reserve which is going to be bottled straight from the barrel and will be a hundred and five proof whiskey,” I said smirking at her shock face.

“A hundred and five proof liquor! That could kill a pony!”

“That’s what Twilight told me. She said the only ponies that would probably be able to drink it were me, Discord, Luna, Celestia, and maybe the rest of the Equestrian royalty excluding Twilight. I have my doubts though. I’m sure there are some heavy drinkers out there who can handle it, and if not will just have to put warning labels on the bottles until I turn you ponies into real drinkers.”

Spitfire took another drag on her drink and eyed me. She put her drink down and hummed to herself as she swallowed. “You know this stuff is really growing on me,” she said as she continued to eye me, “and I have to say its creator is also growing on me.”

I smiled.

“Even though its creator has a weird habit of talking like he’s not a pony, or at least not from around here,” she finished before grabbing her drink and finishing it.

She put her glass down and motioned to me for another, I willingly abide. “Like I said before it’s a long story and not one to spring on ponies I just met,” I said passing her drink to her.

“Well if I and my team are going to be doing business together I would like to hear your story eventually,” she said taking her drink and sipping it.

“Fair enough,” I said smiling, “Next time we get together I’ll tell you everything. How’s that sound?”

“Sounds good and I’ll hold you to it,” she said retuning my smile, “Now I guess we should start working on the finer details of this deal?”

“Yes I suppose we should.”

Spitfire and I immediately gotten into discussion on what we both wanted from this brand deal. We weren’t able to make anything official until the Wonderbolts marketing team and lawyers were able to draw up a contract that her superiors approved of for the Apple’s and I. But the gist of the deal was in exchange for the use of the Wonderbolt logo and image on bottles or advertisements we would supply the stadium bars with our products exclusively for five years. During that five year period we would be unable to make any brand deals with any sports or stunt team. I was well aware of how popular the Wonderbolts were in Equestria so I knew we were getting a pretty good deal, and I like the idea of being the official liquor of the Wonderbolts.

“I like what I’m hearing Spitfire, but will your superiors go for all this as well?

Spitfire dismissed my notion with a wave of her hoof, “I wouldn’t worry about it the Princesses pretty much let me do what I want as long as I don’t burn the stadium down.”

“Wait the Princesses are your superiors?”

“Well mainly Celestia. Who do you think my superiors were?”

“I don’t know someone in the military?”

Spitfire nodded her head in understanding, “A common misconception. The Wonderbolts are in fact part of the military of Equestria, but we are more on the entertainment side so are rules and regulations are a little more relaxed.”

“Makes sense I guess,” I replied looking at what remained in the bottle we’ve been passing back before between us for the last hour and a half. “Looks like there’s enough for one last drink a piece, what do you say Spitfire one last snifter to seal our deal and friendship?”

Spitfire shook her slightly flushed face, “No I better not. I love the stuff but I feel it starting to hit me and I still need to lead the noon training session today.”

“Fair enough,” I said turning to the bar where Soarin had been sitting during Spitfire and I’s talk. “Hey Soar do ya-” I stopped when I noticed that Soarin was no longer sipping his water and happily chatting with the bartender. (Who turned out to be a huge Soarin fan) Instead he was sitting at the bar glowering at a pony that sat in the opposite corner of the room by themselves. From this position I couldn’t see the stranger that was upsetting my friend. So I got up and approached Soarin, “Hey Soar what’s wrong?”

Soarin quickly turned his head to me and gave me a strained smile, “Nothing, you guys done? We should probably get going.”

“When did that guy come in?”

“Just a few minutes ago, this place just officially opened twenty minutes ago,” he said glaring at the pony in the corner again. He turned his gaze back to me, “Come on let’s grab Spitfire and go.”

I gave him an odd look and glanced at the pony he was just staring death at. The pony had his back to me but I could clearly tell by the frame that it was a stallion.
His mane was purple that was slowly going grey at the roots.
His coat was faded burnt orange.
Something compelled me to get closer to the stallion.
So I did.

While ignoring Soarin’s cries that we should all just go. I glance over at Spitfire as I continued to approach the stallion, and she just looked back in confusion not really knowing what was going on or why Soarin was upset.

I approached the stallions table and he looked up at me with dull green eyes.
His coat was ragged and matted with dirt stuck in a few places.
His mane was dull and greasy.
The very air around him reeked of vomit and stale cider and liquor.
He clearly hadn’t bathed in days.
I glanced at his drink he was nursing and I could only guess it was the cheapest swill you could buy in this place.
He opened his mouth and asked, “Can I help you?”
Even his breath smelled like stale liquor and vomit,
the smell of somepony who has given up.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“I just think you’re drinking too much right now, but…there is something else…but this isn’t the time or place to about…him.”

“Him?”

I blinked away at the memory and continued to stare at the pony that almost looked exactly like me. A pony that I could have become in another life.
“Why?”
I asked not really knowing what was compelling me to talk,
“Was it just too hard to stay?”
Scootaloo’s Dad just looked at me. For the longest time I thought he wasn’t going to say anything, but eventually he did,
“Yes,
She reminded me too much of her mother.”

Everything went red after that.

Comments

[LordMentat]

Well.......damn......didnt see that coming anytime soon.

[Starlight Nova]

Why didn't you respond to my comment?

[Final Fire]

And that's how he found out he was actually Changeling

[lunarstallion]

Fuckin hell dude, I need more of this great shit.

Keep up the good work, my man.

[cosmic flash]

Yeah, you kick that deadbeat's ass. Also lookout nightmare moon has a new host.

[Adam Jensen]

It doesn't matter how many I down, it never reaches the bloodstream.

[Neece]

Interesting story. Please continue it soon if possible, I'm not the only one that'd be sad if it took eight months for a new chapter

[Liarra Sniffles]

Congratulations on being the 1,101st story I have enjoyed enough to hunger for more like a starving dog in the deli isle.

Good shit.
Edit: the prize is an imaginary pony friend and a high-five.

[KvAT]

Holy hell, this story hangs like a root in the edge of a cliff.

Pretty good read though, even with the average writing.