The Drink Off
“Hello Ponyville and welcome to the Drink Off!” Vinyl shouted into her microphone. She was seated at a long table with several other ponies. The table itself was placed in front of a makeshift stage in the middle of the main room of town hall. Sitting on top of the stage was Osaka and Surprise with a small table between them. “Alright my fellow ponies,” Vinyl continued addressing the partying ponies that surrounded the stage, “we all know why we’re here! We’re here to watch Osaka drink this god underneath the table!” she paused for the cheering, but no cheering came from the trance induced crowd. The only cheers came from the rest of the non-cursed ponies. “Now I’m Vinyl and I’ll be one of your commentators. I am joined by Octavia.”
“Hello everypony,” Octavia smiled.
“We are also joined by the previous holder of the town drunk title, Berry Punch.”
“This is going to be a real tough fight for Osaka. He is literally up against a god here. His only chance is to go big and go hard,” Berry explained pounding on the table with a hoof for emphasis.
“And we’re also joined by Lyra.”
“I have no idea why I am here,” Lyra shrugged with a silly grin.
“Now as the challenger Osaka was given the honor of choosing the poison. He has chosen his own Osaka Trace Private Reserve Whiskey. Which will soon be available wherever fine liquors are sold,” Vinyl shamelessly plugged. “Now let’s get this Drink Off started! Big Mac if you would?”
Big Mac was greeted with cheers and whistles from the partying crowd as he sauntered and strutted onto the stage carrying a full sized barrel of whiskey on his back. He wore a big smile that looked out of place with his vacant gaze.
“Hey girls I have a question,” Applejack spoke from her ringside seat on Osaka’s side of the stage.
“What’s that AJ?” Rainbow asked, sitting in the seat next to her.
“Well how come we didn’t free my brother? I mean we freed my cousin Braeburn, but not my brother. Why is that?”
“Well he just didn’t seem like part of the main group and we were already freeing all these other ponies and well…,” Pinkie rambled from another chair.
“But Braeburn and Soarin are part of the main group? They don’t even live in Ponyville,” Applejack interrupted.
“Oh just drop it Applejack. It doesn’t really matter does it?” Rarity interjected from her seat behind AJ.
“You know I just had a thought,” Twilight spoke up ignoring the grumbling Applejack. “Where’s Spike?”
“Trixie wouldn’t worry about Spike. Trixie is sure Spike is just fine,” Trixie said counseling her marefriend.
-Meanwhile at Sugarcube Corner-
Spike and a brown earth pony colt hid underneath the counter at Sugarcube Corner. They were tense and glancing around everywhere making sure they were in the clear.
“That wasn’t the right thing to do Spike,” the brown colt silently hissed.
“I know you don’t feel right about it Button, but it was either them or us,” the dragon hissed back.
“We just left Snips and Snails up there. We didn’t even try to help them! Who knows what horrors Mrs. Cake is putting them through,” He spoke on the verge of shouting.
Spike slapped him and grabbed a hold of Buttons shoulders, “It was their own damn fault they got caught and you know it Button! I told them stay quiet, but they didn’t listen,” He whispered glaring into Button’s eyes.
“I still don’t have to like it Spike,” Button countered.
Spike opened his mouth for a rebuttal, but was interrupted by a creak coming from the stairs behind them.
“Alright folks the drinks have been poured into five shot glasses each for the contestants. By Princess Luna who will be the official pourer as per tradition in drink offs that decide the fate of the world,” Vinyl explained.
“That it is Vinyl. It’s been almost a thousand years since King Sombra was defeated by Princess Celestia in the last drink off of this magnitude. It was one for the history books and no one could ever forget it,” Octavia stated.
“Except we did because of a curse; then we remembered it again. Magic is weird like that,” Lyra interjected.
“Alright enough about history because history is about to be made here,” said Berry. “Now the first round is very important. It allows the opponents to judge each other’s drinking skills. And I hate to say it but Surprise clearly has the advantage if the reports of Osaka actually being drunk earlier in the day are true.”
“Yes we have all heard the allegations that the Cutie Mark Crusaders made earlier. They claim that they found Osaka drunk out of his mind at Sweet Apple Acres. They claim he was so drunk that he actually fell off a cloud. But this is Osaka we are talking about and I’m sure he will be fine,” Vinyl commented.
“I have to agree with Vinyl. Now the first round is about to begin so let’s watch.” Octavia said.
Osaka and Surprise stared each other down, showing no emotion. They both simultaneously reached a hoof out, grabbed their nearest shot glass, and…
Slam
Slam
Slam
Slam
Slam
All five shots on each side were devoured.
Osaka and Surprise just continued to stare at each other as Luna came back up onto the stage to refill their glasses.
“Wow folks I hope none of you blinked otherwise you would have missed it. Both contestants have emptied their shot glasses in record time!” Vinyl exclaimed.
“That was truly amazing,” Octavia breathed.
“In all my years of hardcore drinking I haven’t seen anything like it. They both seem to be completely unfazed. Their livers must be godly,” Berry awed.
“Well one of them is a god,” Lyra deadpanned, which earned her a smack upside the head from Berry.
“Alright folks by the looks from the first round we’re in for a long one, and I for one can’t wait for the inevitable shit show,” Vinyl hoof pumped.
“Vinyl you do realize that this is to determine the fate of Equestria, right?” Octavia questioned her marefriend.
“Yea, but that doesn’t mean this can’t be entertaining,” she smiled.
“She’s right Octavia. If the world is going to end today it might as well be entertaining, and we might as well be drunk too,” Berry said pulling an unmarked bottle out from beneath the table.
“Ohh, what’s that Berry,” Vinyl asked excitedly.
“Don’t know. I found it in my cellar the other day. I think it belong to my great great great granny,” she uncorked the bottle and took a whiff. “Woo, oh yea this is going to be good. Now who’s got the glasses?”
“I got’em,” Lyra chimed levitating some glasses over.
Octavia sighed, “I suppose you’re right.”
“That’s the spirit Octy!” Vinyl grinned wrapping a foreleg around her marefriend and pulling her into a hug.
Berry poured the bottle of liquor into four glasses and divided them amongst them. She grasped her glass and raised it to the air, “To the end of the world,” she toasted.
“To the end of the world,” Vinyl, Octavia, and Lyra repeated.
Rainbow watched as the four commentators downed their drinks. “Hey do you think they realize that they just missed the last two rounds?” she asked Applejack.
“No clue RD. Hey you want a cider?” she asked reaching down into a cooler that was sitting to the side of her chair. “It’s the good stuff,” she added.
“Like I’m going to turn down a cider at a time like this,” Rainbow replied rolling her eyes and taking the bottle from Applejack.
Applejack smiled and pulled a few more bottles out of the cooler, “Anypony else want one?”
“Sure”
“Certainly darling”
“Trixie does”
“Yes, if that’s alright with you”
“Yuppers”
“You know I do cuz”
“YEAHHH!!!”
“Of course”
Applejack passed out the drinks and just as Rarity popped the cap off of her bottle a thought occurred to her, “Who’s watching the girls?” Silence fell upon them for several minutes until Rainbow Dash broke it, “I’m sure they’re staying out of trouble…right?”
-Sugarcube Corner-
Mrs. Cake hummed a happy tune as she tied the unconscious body of Button Mash into a chair in her living room. She paid no mind to the two dozen other foals and one dragon that were also tied up in her living room.
“Come on Mrs. Cake let us go,” Spike pleaded.
“No can do my little munchkin. Our Lord and Savior Surprise was perfectly clear that she wanted no little children in getting in her way,” she replied with a wide smile and vacant look in her eyes.
“Don’t call me munchkin,” Spike growled. “I may look young, but in dragon years I’m as old as Twilight.”
“That’s nice dearie,” Mrs. Cake patted him on the head as she walked by. She went over to a record player and put a record on. A sickly sweet childish tune played as a monotone voice began to recite nursery rhymes over it. “There you go dearies. A little entertainment to keep you occupied.” Spike groaned with the rest of the foals as Baa, Baa, Black Sheep belted out of the speaker.
“Spike?”
“Huh,” Spike turned to Button who eyes were half opened, vacant, and glassed over. His head was lopsided staring at the ground. “Button? Are you alright?”
“I think I ate to many cupcakes when we were downstairs hiding,” the brown colt mumbled.
Spike rolled his eyes and started to try to wiggle free of his bindings when a loud boom echoed in from downstairs and a yell followed behind it, “CUTIEMARK CRUSADERS HOSTAGE RESCUE YAY!!!”
Vinyl slammed her hoof down on the table, “Alright ponies you ready for round 42?”
“I thought we were on round 52,” Octavia said cocking her head to the side.
“No we’re on round 69,” Lyra giggled.
“I don’t know what round we’re on anymore,” Berry stated as she whacked Lyra on the back of her head again for her poor joke. “Who wants another?” she asked her fellow commentators as she poured herself another glass from her unmarked bottle. She was answered with a round of cheers.
“Hey can I have some of the booze from your mystery bottle Berry?” Pinkie shouted from her perch on the stage.
“Hey is my cider not good enough for you Pinkie!” a slightly inebriated Applejack growled at her friend.
“Now Applejack dear I’m pretty sure that’s not what she meant,” Rarity cut in putting a hoof on AJ’s shoulder and pulling her back.
"What round are we on, Twi?" Rainbow slurred.
“We’re on round let’s go back to my place and make out,” Twilight huffed out trying to put a leg around Rainbow, but was stopped when Trixie grabbed her and pulled her back into her chair.
“Trixie thinks you’ve had enough Twilight.”
Twilight didn’t protest she just silently leaned into Trixie and snuggled into her. Luna, Osaka, and Surprise watched this from center stage just shaking their heads. “Your friends really need to get on our level,” Surprise said looking back to Osaka.
“Yea I know,” Osaka sighed. “Come on Luna pour the shots and let’s get on with round 582.”
-Sugarcube Corner-
It was carnage, pure diabetic inducing sugary baked dough carnage. That was the only way Spike could describe the scene in front of him. It had only been fifteen minutes since the Cutie Mark Crusaders busted into Sugar Cube Corner in an attempt to rescue all the foals in the village, and try to earn their hostage rescuing cutie marks in the process. Within those fifteen minutes they had somehow managed to free everypony in the house and have begun to organize a pastry based assault against the brainwashed reign of Mrs. Cake. There was only one problem.
The assault was failing.
Spike weaved through the barricades that were scattered across the hallway. He just made it past checkpoint five when somepony roared, “Get down!” Spike slid behind some nearby cover as Snip and Snails popped out from behind cover and began to launch mini cakes at Mrs. Cake with slingshots.
“Spike where’s Pipsqueak? Wasn’t he with you?” Snips grunted out in between lobs.
Spike didn’t answer he just lowered his head and clenched his claws into fists.
Snips and Snails gasped and looked at each other and narrowed their eyes before redoubling their assault on Mrs. Cake. Spike hopped back up and resumed his march to Pinkie Pie’s room or as they were calling it The Command Center. He weaved his way through the approaching ponies that were coming to backup Snips and Snails. As he approached checkpoint one he saw Rumble take off with some kind of payload grasped in his hooves. He watched him fly off before entering Pinkie Pie’s room.
He made his way to the center of the room where a small table with a crude map of the hallway laid out on it. “How long is this hallway?” Spike muttered to himself as he studied the map.
“What do you mean you lost contact with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,” Scootaloo’s shouted cutting Spike’s concentration from the map. He looked over and saw Scootaloo and the rest of the CMC huddled over in a corner of the room.
“I can’t get them over the walkie talkie,” he heard Apple Bloom say, as he creeped closer to them.
“Do you think they betrayed us?” Sweetie asked.
“I wouldn’t put it past them,” Apple Bloom frowned.
“Damn them!” Scootaloo shouted slamming a hoof down onto the floor. “We needed that extra ammunition we sent them to gather! If the buttercream bomb fails-”
“Bomb?” Spike said startling the three girls.
“Spike! When…when did you get back?” Apple Bloom asked trying not to look directly at him.
“Wasn’t Pipsqueak with you?” Sweetie inquired trying to change the topic of the conversation.
Spike didn’t answer her. His focus was completely on Scootaloo, “Tell me about the bomb Scoot’s?” he demanded.
Scootaloo sighed and looked directly at Spike with a stern expression, “We’re losing this battle Spike. We’re losing ground and we are almost completely out of cupcakes and scones. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and I stumbled upon Pinkie’s emergency buttercream frosting supply an-”
“So you weaponized it!” Spiked yelled.
“I had no choice!” Scootaloo yelled back.
“How much buttercream are we talking about here?”
“Enough to coat the Apple Family barn at least five times,” Apple Bloom answered.
Spike’s face paled at the news, it paled even more when he recalled what he saw Rumble take off with earlier. “We have to call a retreat! Everypony else is still out there! Call them back Scootaloo!” he frantically shouted.
Scootaloo turned her back on the dragon, “They know what they signed up for,” she said as the walkie squawked to life.
“Scootaloo do you read me,” It was Snip’s voice. “We’re taking heavy losses. We need back up; I repeat we need back up…wait what’s that…is that Rumble? What, what is he droppin-” the walkie cut off only issuing static as a reply.
Spike looked up from the walkie and at Scootaloo who was still turned around unresponsive. He then looked at Sweetie, “Seriously how long is this hallway?”
Luna finished pouring the shots for round 2055 and tossed the now empty bottle in the moderately sized pile that was beside the stage. She looked over to Twilight and her friends and saw them all snoozing peacefully in their seats. “They are all going to have a nasty hangover in the morning,” she sighed shaking her head. She then looked down at the judges who had also passed out drunk at some point. “If there is a morning tomorrow,” she muttered. The clattering of glass brought her attention back to Osaka and Surprise. How they were still going she had no idea. Osaka’s green eyes were completely glassed over in a drunken stupor. His fur was matted and sticking up in odd places, his unruly mane was somehow even more unruly, and his wings were in deathly need of a preening. Which didn’t make much sense to Luna, how would excessive drinking for an hour and a half cause one’s feathers to become disarrayed?
Surprise wasn’t looking to good either. She seemed to be in a desperate struggle to keep her eyes open, which Luna took as a good sign.
The last shot glass slammed down and Luna grabbed a new bottle in her magic and approached them. Surprise turned her head at her forcing her eyes to focus on Luna, “Bring the ressst of the bottless. No more kid games. We’rrre doing this by the fifth,” she slurred.
Luna looked towards Osaka giving him a questioning look. He nodded his head and gave her a lazy wink. Luna gave him a worried frown and grabbed the rest of the fifty bottles of whiskey in her magic. “WE ARE NOW ENTERING SUDDEN DEATH!” she bellowed in the royal canterlot voice to the past out, and brainwashed crowd. No pony stirred.
-Sugarcube Corner-
Scootaloo, Spike, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Button Mash all cowered in the corner of Pinkie Pie’s room. They all had their eyes glued to the door, which was rattling every few seconds from Mrs. Cake onslaught on it.
“I can’t believe the bomb didn’t work,” Scootaloo whimpered.
“It was a bomb filled of frosting of course it wasn’t going to work,” Spike chided.
“Hush you two. Let’s just sit here and accept our fate with dignity,” Apple Bloom scolded at her two friends.
The door buckled again splintering in places.
“Sweetie,” Button piped up, “there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
“What’s tha…wait where did you come from?”
“I was hiding underneath the bed nursing my stomach pains,” Button blushed.
“Wow, Rabid really dropped the ball with this chapter.”
“I know right. Could be worse though he was originally going to kill me off for a dark jo-.”
“What in the blazes are you two talking about?” Apple Bloom interrupted.
“Nothing Apple Bloom, now what did you want to tell me?”
Button Mash swallowed and said, “I love you Sweetie Belle!”
Sweetie Belle looked at Button Mash dumbfounded, “Button before this day our only interaction is that one day in class I asked you if I could borrow a pencil.”
“So you don’t feel the same way. I always thought you had a crush on me” Button frowned.
“Uhh, no I don’t. Besides Scootaloo is the one that has a crush on you.”
“SWEETIE!” Scootaloo shouted!
“Sorry”
“Wait…you have a crush on me Scootaloo?”
Scootaloo blushed, “Uhhhhh”
Thankfully or unthankfully depending on how you want to look at it; the infinite universe decided not to embarrass Scootaloo any further for it was at that moment that the door finally gave out to Mrs. Cakes assault. They all gasped in horror as an irate Mrs. Cake entered the room, “Would one of you care to explain why my hallway is covered in frosting?” she growled.
“Huh?” they all gasped together.
“Don’t you ‘huh’ me. You five are in big trouble.”
Scootaloo blinked and looked at Apple Bloom, who looked at Spike, who looked at Sweetie Belle, who looked at Button, who looked at Scootaloo, who blushed and looked away and at Rumble and a frosting covered Snips. They looked back at Scootaloo from the doorway behind Mrs. Cake and shrugged. It was then that Scootaloo knew what she had to do. She took a deep breath and yelled with all her might, “Scatter,” and so every foal and dragon in Sugarcube Corner did.
Luna stared in awe at what she was seeing. Surprise was swaying, mid-guzzle. They had just finished bottle #36 and were starting on #37 when her head started to sway. So far Osaka hadn’t noticed. He was too busy winning.
He slammed down the bottle and grabbed the next one. He pulled out the cork with his teeth, spat it out, and began to guzzle down the brown liquid with a fury.
Surprise was only halfway done with #37.
Then she stopped.
Her eyes snapped opened wide and her bottle slipped from her grasp hitting the floor with a resounding thud.
Osaka didn’t even stop.
Surprise swayed back and forth some more before uttering an, “Urk” and falling down head first onto the floor.
“Osaka,” Luna cheered. “You won!” she yelled lunging forward and wrapping Osaka in a hug.
Osaka jumped from the surprised hug and dropped his bottle. His dazed eyes looked around confused until they landed on the still form of Surprise, “Iss wun?”
Luna pulled away from him and nodded her head.
Osaka gave the Princess a drunken half smile and closed his eyes.
“Osaka?”
He didn’t answer.
“Osaka?”
“Osaka!”
“Osaka”
Sorry for the sub par chapter guys. I struggled with this one for some reason. Plus I really wanted to get to the next chapter cause it has somethings I really want to write.
Next time on Osaka Jones we're going to see how dark I can go until someone demands I add the dark tag.
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Button's scene with Sweetie Belle and the war against Mrs. Cake stole the show in my opinion.
Oh man, das epic! So Osaka beats a god/eldritch being of party in a drinking contest. Tis a grand achievement that is not to be taken lightly. Now, what will happen to Osaka and Surprise? Though Osaka won the drinking contest, he may have OD'ed on alcohol. I'm going to assume he either died, unconscious, unconscious life revelation; or ascends to godly-hood for his victory over Surprise, which leads to him dying, to transcend his mortal vessel and become what he was meant to be and to join ranks with his fellow "Gods of Alcohol!!!!" And this funny guy. Or maybe, Osaka and Surprise wake-up snuggled next to each other in a bed for . . . shipping reasons. . . . . .
My Liver.....
Well, I think I became nauseous, blacked out and went into an ethylic coma by proxy reading that. Huh...
Osaka's liver confirmed beyond godlike.
I just found this story and I want more.
Osaka of the Iron Liver.
And now I wait for the next chapter...5 or so months judging by the last few.
Shall be a wait worth waiting.
And with that a new shipping was born on this glorious day!
Osaka 1 : 0 Literal God