Sometimes we set our sights on doing something so much, that we become blind to what is happening in the here and now.
Meet Jack Taylor, a brother, son, and self-defined psychic. Jack is about to begin a long ordeal in humility and perseverance, one he may not very well survive without some friends, which is something that’ll be hard as a mare named Berry Punch.
General story content and reasons for all tags below the break, which will spoil some of the story, but will also give you a good idea of what you are getting into. Massive spoilers in additional tags.
• PoV - Deep First Person: Focus will be on the protagonist for all story arcs. There will be, unless my pre-readers stop me, a single short interlude chapter between each arc focusing on another character in the story.
• Sex Tag: General acknowledgment of gender, allusions, innuendo, and situations. May venture into, but not describe, sexual acts. This story will never move to mature nor contain clop.
• Gore Tag: Nothing excessive in the story yet, but some things will happen at the end of the first arc which will require the tag. None of the gore will be described in any graphic detail and will stay well within the teen rating. Will warn about the gore in an author's note at the start of the chapter it happens in so that readers who read this story before this tag was deemed necessary will not be caught off guard.
• Alternate Universe Tag: Both the human world and pony world are AUs.
• Dark Tag: Story isn't excessively dark and will never be, but this tag is here for the darkness ready to come up from below the surface. Don't worry about encountering much death in this story since it'll be minimal to non-existent.
• Drama Tag: Expect a lot of dialogue since most of the action is going to social interaction, though there will be some physical action.
• Human Tag: Pony turned human through mind/soul swap. You will see physical humans through memory dreams and a couple visions, but the protagonist human will be the main focus.
• OC Tag: The only major OC in the story so far is an umbra (shadow pony)/earth pony hybrid named Due Process, but more will follow.
• Berry Punch Tag: The protagonist is thrown into her life and has to live with her reputation.
• Other Tag: Currently for Surprise, who in this AU is one of the Mane6 in place of Pinkie Pie since she is a major character.
• AU Changes Tags: Pinkie Pie replaced by Surprise. Surprise is characterized like a toned-down Pinkie Pie and offers her own brand of strangeness. Adult Spike Through Duplication of Twilight's Age and Mind at Hatching, Applejack's Parents are Alive, Fluttershy is an Earth Pony, Fluttershy is an Orphan, Fluttershy Adopted into Apple Family, Alternate Element Loadout, Alternate Mane Six, Alternate History, Alternate Applejack Parents
• Content Tags: Alcohol Use, Confusion, Damaged World, Disbelief, Dreams, Genderbent, Genderbender, Genderswap, Human in Equestria, Human in Pony, Lies, Loss, Male to Female, Memory Loss, Mind Swap, Mistaken Identity, Overwear, Incredibly Rational Protagonist, Religious Concepts, Reliving Memories, Rule 63, Secrets, Single-Minded Protagonist, Soul Swap, Suffering
• Additional Character Tags: Seven Deadly Sins, Envy, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Pride, Sloth, Wrath
16 k? omg i am not gonna fail!
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6797785 I didn't
6798093 Thanks, I guess I just have a problem with a two or three scenes being a chapter and want each chapter to begin and end with substantial things happening in-between. Have my next chapter planned out, but I think it might have a good point halfway in that I could split the chapter into two.
6798224 I don't mind when chapters are longer than 10 k...
I'd love to read something longer.
6798454 and i respect people who cover the mainstream things in so many words
6798454 Ah, well I might just keep the next chapter in one piece in that case. Pretty sure it will come out about the same length, if not longer with all the things I have planned, though if it comes out too long I'll probably still consider cutting it in two if it feels like it could be.
6798504 Thanks.
Like I said before you published, I think its a nice start.
6808770 Thanks, working on my next chapter and hope to have your eyes again for when it is done.
6808770 That's a bit of an understatement if you ask me
It's one of the best predicament I've seen in a story. Hardly any adventure and still nail-chewing stuff.
From this alone, you have gained another follower.
6832903 Thanks. Next chapter should be available soon, once I run it past my proofreaders/pre-readers/victims. Will be a little slower, but I made sure to keep it shorter as well. Could've kept going, but it felt like a chapter end where I ended it.
Well this has a rather nice makings of a good story. Keep it up, will be nice to see what happens next.
6845171 Thanks, I'm interested to see where it goes as well. I have my plot points of course, but getting to them is the fun part.
finally I can rest again. this chapter was in my notifications too long. glad it came out so long...
6862007 The third chapter will have a lot more interesting things happen from what I've plotted out. Chapter delves into certain details revealed so far, does a little more world building, and a lot more character development.
Even have chapter four in sight, which will be a fun and a fairly light hearted chapter, though development still happens of course. Probably be the first chapter that Jack actually feels like he is making progress.
Hope to continue a trend of Jack making the most of each day overall for the story.
PALLLLEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEEE DDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOO MMMMOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
6891577 I will, working on the third chapter right now actually. Past two days have seen a 1000 words each day and hope to continue that trend, if not improve over those numbers.
Oh, and if you are anyone else is curious as to the progress on a next chapter, I have a progress report in the upper right corner of my profile, that I update often on where I am at with writing a next chapter.
Nice chapter.
Even if I told you that already in the document.
I don't actually feel that draw in with this story...I will continue so I can determine...
So far, I'm annoyed with how our protagonist deals with things. Don't ask me what specificly...That is like asking is the glass of water half full or half empty.
6909305 Hmm, leaves me to question it though. Could be how confrontational he is when he gets angry, but he has noticed that something is wrong with him there as well. Might be his total lack of wonderment at the world of Equestria and the very idea of another world, though he has been a little too worried about his little sister and life to really consider his situation.
I do wish you knew though, as I have a friend that said something like that as well, but he also couldn't tell me what was wrong with it. Probably just my lack of writing and thinking I know how to write just from reading stories without deconstructing them.
Damn, this story os awesome! This is much more believable than the cliché:
"-I'm a human!
-Ok. Cupcakes?"
I really want to see what is going to happen now! Like, I can literally not stop my excited chair-jumping right now! Thank you so much for this awesome piece of literature! ^^
6989173 Welcome. Fourth chapter is still being worked on, but I hope to get it done soon.
I'll probably be doing some slight revisions to the memory scenes throughout the story, since I realized that I should have Jack's thoughts in them, which would mean some thought tags as well. Overall, those revision will be minor and don't change the story any, just keeps the first person consistent throughout the story, since before it was pseudo-first/third-person thing. The changes are important due to not realizing how I was going to write something until I actually got to the point where it was relevant, which becomes even more important later in the story.
This is super interesting! And nice use of foreshadowing, I've already got a few guesses about Jack's true nature. This definitely needs more coverage.
Well, this is a lot more interesting than I thought it would be from the blurb. In all honesty, I think it helps to think of it as not actually being about a human. Humans don't have magical mind-reading powers and they don't come from some weird world where America is gunning for The Firsts, whatever that is.
Aside from the weirdness of the setup, the story so far is pretty engaging, though, even if I think the main character isn't behaving too terribly intelligently. By now, it should probably be apparent to him that he has no clue about what kind of situation he's in, that he needs to find out more about his circumstances and that nobody is going to believe him no matter how much he tries to explain that he's an alien invader. After the first three times everyone gave the common sense answer to that (which is, naturally, enough "bullshit, pull the other one, it's got bells on it") it should really be obvious enough.
7044611 Thank you. Haven't submitted it to any groups due to not finding it good enough yet, but maybe someday.
7044968 Thank you.
Yeah, my setup is one of those things I've never read before, where I'm spacing out what actually happened to the main character across several chapters, and constraining it even more to the fact the main character has to sleep and dream to remember what happened. Guess I'll see how well it goes.
I wouldn't say my main character is that intelligent either. Not sure when he'll finally get smart, but the next chapter might be a wake up call. Of course, my next chapter might just destroy any respect any who have liked my story have for it.
7046265
Well, I'm looking forward to it, for the moment. It's a weird setup, but an interesting one. I've read more than a few books that use a similarly two-track method of intermeshing the real-time events of the story and its backstory, but I've not seen it done here before. It's not a bad format. I hope you won't stretch out the willful stupidity of the main character too much, though. I don't really like stories that rely on the characters being forcibly and unrealistically obtuse for the plot to keep going. I think it's frustrating to watch.
Moar plz.
7070498 I have the next chapter almost done actually, but some logic jumping and characterization issues need to be fixed. Not sure what all my edits and revising will put the word count at, but it is currently at 19k and think I will be adding more than I subtract.
7070784
Yayz. Always nice to find a good story that's not dead.
Oh jesus, something went wrong with the import from Google Docs.
Edit: Fixed it! Sorry! Reload the page to see it fixed.
Seriously, this needs more views. Good job, man. I don't know why you've got such a like/dislike ratio.
My suggestion is to remove either the sad or dark tags, probably both, until they're absolutely necessary. Less is more. Most likely the 'dark' tag, because it carries some negative ramifications in the fandom. I'd only warrant the 'Dark' tag for post-apocalyptic or Lovecraftian subjects, and vicious torture scenes. The 'Sad' tag is sort of flat, and I've read very few stories that would need it. Point is, those are tags that are only implemented at the behest of several people, the Teen rating mildly covering more mature/diverse subjects than the 'Everyone' rating. The Drama tag has yet to be overused, so you won't get much flak for using it, and less so because its actually relevant.
You've got an intriguing writing style, and every chapter leaves me craving for more, with enough unanswered questions with vague possibilities to make predictions from avid readers difficult or even flat-out wrong.
Keep up the good work!
7086109 Thanks. Yeah, I'll drop the Sad tag, my story has a couple sad elements to it, but they aren't at the core of it.
Oh fucking c'mon! Get on with it!
7086798 I'll try to be quicker. One of my goals with writing is to write faster. First chapter took me six months, since I was plotting out the story at that point, though I know I procrastinated quite a bit as well. Spent a good deal of February and March delving into music, which I'm pretty much done with by this point, but that took up a lot of my time.
7087596 It's not actually that bad...some stories i have to wait for 2 years before a new update is out....but still, the slow update really give the impression that the plot is dragging on its belly despite not being true.
Love seeing more updates to this story. As for how long they take, I'm willing to give some slack on account of 20,000 words being no small task to write.
Despite being initially leery about reading this due to the "main character with special supernatural powers" thing seeming rather passe, I'm glad I took the chance, because this story is pretty crazy (in a good way). It's certainly not a new concept, but your 'verse is a striking departure from the source material, which is really throwing off my ability to guess what will happen next, but doesn't change so much that it's alienating.
Shorter chapters more frequently could be cool, if it doesn't throw off your mojo. But whether or not you do, keep up the good work.
7087637 I try to aim for short chapters, but the best I can typically do is know when to end one and start another. At some point, I just hope I can get an average amount of words down every day, since my current average is sporadic.
Well, this has certainly turned weird quickly. The whole thing with the personified sins can either end up being really bad or really good, depending on how you play it. I think it will probably work best if they aren't too constantly present. Just my opinion, though.
I have to say, though, it's starting to get kind of contrived that no matter what memory he looks at or whoever he talks to, it's always either something well-known, easily explained away or simply someone unwilling to listen no matter what. The situation is genuinely interesting enough, but when it starts to look like the protagonist can't win because the writing actively won't allow for it, rather than because it actually makes sense from the circumstances, you need to rethink things just a little.
Tracking and liked primarily for best pony
7145055 I... Umm...
Alright.
I'm really glad to see this story continue, even if it is circling around a very depressing situation.
7145096
Cos I have so many things backed up to read (seriously, it's ridiculous) gunna wait as bit till there is more. But cos it has Berry Punch, aka best pone, in it you get a like automatically.
Argh!
Get on with it!
7145278
7145126
Well, next chapter I promise it moves forward, and Jack no longer screws himself over.
7145131
I used to have a ton of stories on my read later list, then I went through them, and removed a bunch of them.
Not sure if you'll really like this story though, since Berry Punch isn't technically the main character, or even a major character in the story, at least for the moment. If I had to sum up this story (for you), I would say it is "This a story about Berry Punch's life, and how someone else gets to live through the consequences of her life choices."
Man... this guy's a complete ass hole and moron. I get why he was upset about the mental ward, but he had it coming when he heard how others responded to his story and how others see his current form. Yet, he insists on telling it to everyone he meets first off instead of finding out anything useful.
Gonna keep reading tho as its interesting idea. Hopefully he learns to watch what he says around others.
Good God I hope it won't be that simplistic. It's one thing to know that ultimately, every story will have the "good guys" (for some value of good) win due to writing reasons. It's a completely different one to have that be a hard-written fact of the setting in-story. That's not a good idea. Just saying.
7145278 Someone's getting antsy. I think that speaks well of the story
7146432
You make such sweeping generalizations, sometimes. Sure it could be a good idea. Probably really difficult to pull off, but it could work.
7147048
I've never seen a story do it and work - and I'm including actual published books here, which are rather my gold standard on that. A lot of things can theoretically be done, but I don't like arguing about hypotheticals. No one needs to agree with me on it, of course, but in my opinion, several hundred novels' worth of reading experience kind of hint at that.
7147062
Aah. Now, that is something that I can't argue with, and which no one should ever try to. Now I finally have a clip I can pull out every time I wanna be cheeky with my opinions in this:
And now I shall finish this post the way I should finish most of my posts: Just saying
7147103
In all seriousness, though, I do not think this is a thing that's conductive to a story. One big thing that every writer needs to keep in mind as they write their story is tension, the general level of excitement and danger to the characters. Even if it's a given thing that the protagonists will eventually win, in-story, it should never look like that, much less be a stated fact. It's not just that the reader knows it, it's that the characters know it, too. It just allows for no real sense of danger or desperation to develop, which is an essential part of any good adventure. This is serious writing advice I've heard repeated by some of the genuinely big names of the genre. As in the real-world genre, not fanfic.