Writer, Gamer, YouTuber, Brony. But I'm sure the first and last ones are obvious.
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As Hearts and Hooves Day came closer and closer there was a bit of youth love flowing throughout the air. Sweetie Belle and Button Mash have noticed each other at school and around town. But the question remains, do they want to be more than friends?
Based on a scene from the song "Don't Mine at Night(Pony Parody)" by JanAnimations
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Not bad but it's rushed, and nothing really major happens. It feels kind of dull.
3814572 I'm sorry that it's dull. Its only my first fic though. I might get better.
Pretty good, but I'd suggest finding an editor. If your looking for one, I may be able to help.
cute
3814669 I guess it wouldn't hurt to have another editor. Since the last one didn't help it seems.
3814672 Thanks.
OMG BUTTON MASH AND SWEETIE BELLE R MINECRAFTERS YEAAAH
3815167 Your picture shows your excitement. Also yes, yes they are.
Sorry I stopped before the Minecraft part. The dialog was kind of flat. It doesn't feel like Sweetie Belle or the other CMC when they talk. Button Mash, well he hasn't talked for a extended period in any media (other than the miniseries promo) so that would be harder to gauge.
3816332 As I've said earlier, since this is my first fic there is bound to be many problems. I hope to get better the more I write. And thanks for the info on my dialogue I'll try to spice it up next time.
3816350
I saw that it was your first story, so I thought I'd give some pointers. May you write many more stories and work on your mastery of the art.
3820696 Who was out of character?
Meh... Needs excitement
I really liked it, but...
Only five years, what happened? I can talerate an open ending... But this is too much...
It's like I were to say, "And they lived happily ever after, until that happened. The End"
Cute story. The only thing that irks me right now is the fact that the most recent new character we've seen on the show, Cheese Sandwich, already has a tag on here but Button Mash doesn't have one yet.
Okay, I did like the premise of the story, but the execution I felt was a bit weak.
The premise was actually not that bad. Button Mash wanting to make Sweetie Belle his very special somepony was a very good start. And it was a good set up.
However, I felt that the piece was starting to fall apart. For example, I would have loved to have seen more depth into Button Mash's mind. How did Sweetie Belle make him feel? What led him to liking her? Was there some sort of event that triggered this? I would have loved to explore more of Button Mash's mind and to see more of what made him choose Sweetie Belle over the other Cutie Mark Crusaders.
The same thing could have been said for Sweetie Belle.
Button Mash asking Sweetie Belle to be his very special somepony felt pretty rushed and I would have loved to have seen more hesitation or uncertainty on his part. I would have love to see him question over the perfect card to give her, making him stress and second guess himself, over this card that he wasn't to make perfect for his girl.
The Minecraft scene felt completely unnecessary. The huge climax of the story was already resolved and the Minecraft scene didn't hold much of value for the characters as far as developing them. I felt that it was out of place. Now, if this had been in more of the middle or the reason why Button Mash grew to like Sweetie Belle, it probably would have worked better.
I know this is your first fan fiction and I apologize if I seem harsh and mean. That is not my intention. My intention is to bring to the light the problems that I felt need to be addressed. I ask you not to give up this pursuit. Especially, if you feel that you really want to do this. Every writer has to start somewhere and I realize that not every piece of work is not going to fall into place every time. I ask you to keep writing because with a little practice and a lot of hard work, I honestly think you have the makings of a solid writer. In fact, you're not that different from when I first started. (Except I was much worse). Thank you for letting me read and review your work. I look forward to seeing your improvements in the future. Take care.
3862899
I intend to make a sequel and that was meant to entice the readers to want to know what happens next.
3884424
I think that the reason is that Cheese sandwich is a semi-main character and Button isn't.
3889286
Thanks for the pointers. I'll keep them in mind while writing my next story.
Yeah Scootaloo, shut the fuck up!
50th like. You're welcome.
But all of that aside, I really liked the story.
Please, more!
This was a beautiful story make a part 2
About the 5 years later
5526416 nice profile pic! And comment.
it does not feel romantic it feels like friends having fun
this fanfict feels rushed and kinda unfinished
6/10