- Member Since 1st Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 30th, 2015
Luna1337
Say my name out loud and double over in laughter.
Luna1337
Joined 1st Jan, 2014 ·
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Sweetie Belle isn't gonna leave him coz he got his cutie mark, right? Right!?
I accidentally hit 'Dislike' when I was trying to close the tab.
HOW DO I UNDO
...all I had to do was like the story. Derp.
That was cute. Button Mash, forever curs—BLESSED with the amazing job of being a BETA Tester! WOOT!
!
... I mean
"Cutie Mark Crusader, Relationship Breaker Upper! YA—ow, I has a sad now..." - Well, Sweetie Belle, you sure earned that sad...
Now to go back back to sleep!
I'm in so much need of sleep therapy...
3863266 lets hope so. maybe this writer is kindhearted or maybe hes a ruthless destroyer of feels
That can go either in three ways. They will break up and stay that way, they will break up for a while and then come back to each other, or they will go trough that hardship and stay together and their relationship will grow stronger.
3864063 I see the last two being the more likely options. Probably the second one because that creates drama but for all we know the author could make Button Mash a very cool guy. Only time will tell.
More like sweetie bitch
What happened to cutie mark crusaders forever?
A few things:
First, and I know this is a minor point, but do not type words in all caps. It looks sloppy. You can adequately display emotion through description of the character's actions combined with a few descriptors for the tone of voice you want to convey--as long as you don't abuse them. If you feel that you absolutely have to capitalize certain words or sentences, try to do it sparingly and only when you feel that you have no other choice. Most authors go with caps for the, "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ______! lines. It's okay if you only use it for certain moments. Peppering your writing with them looks unprofessional, and using them excessively, like you do here, is murder on the eyes.
Second, I want to see these scenes have more going on. Certain areas feel like cliff note versions of events rather than fleshed out scenes, like they were imagined to work better in a visual more than a written story. Let's take advantage of the medium! Don't be afraid to show more of what Button's thinking and what he's doing. I felt like the ending suffered from this most, but also the scene where he was testing games. You more or less just tell us he's testing games and that he does a good job. We need to see more than that. The bit after that was my favorite part of the tale because you did do that. It's cute and it's funny and it works. It shows off his kiddish imagination perfectly. But we needed to see more of what came before, and that ending part needed more dedicated to it.
All of these scenes are almost identical in length, but I don't know how appropriate that is. The beginning scene seems to serve as a short introduction to the meat of the chapter, but it's a quarter of the entire thing without doing much to justify its existence. What do we see in that introduction that shows us about the relationship between Sweetie and Button? Button talks a lot, and while the lines could be better, they're only a little rough around the edges and they feel like lines that maybe could come out of his mouth. What does Sweetie say?
"Is it any good?"
"I gotta go. Rarity got me a new game and banned me from playing this after she saw how much blood was in it."
I like the line, Button exited to the main menu. There wasn't much to do in Equestria of the Ancients without Sweetie Belle.
But it feels hollow when you see how little the two interact. This is the real problem with the story. You need to establish the relationship between these two characters. The story is about this relationship ending. There's no sense of scope or context for how we're intended to feel about it because we don't get to see how strong the relationship is and what chemistry the characters have. And there's plenty to show just in the situation! A gamer letting his non-gamer love interest in on his hobby is ripe for a ton of interaction. You could even have some foreshadowing of the coming conflict with cutie mark related talk. Button doesn't care about his cutie mark, but Sweetie is a mare obsessed.
I like the ideas and the small touches here and there, but you need to fill the story with more. You've shown that you can do it and that you're good at it, and I'm eager to see more. But always keep in mind to make every word tell and to use every scene to do something special in the narrative.
...and as a personal note, I'd love to see more about Button Mash testing. He's growing up. That's what a Cutie Mark represents. I want to see that develop maybe as something on the side. <3
Thanks for reading, if you did, and happy writing!
3865900
uh.
I don't really know how to respond to walls of text. Just that I read it and I'll hopefully make next chapters better I guess??
Have a Trollestia.
3866431
Hey, no problem. This isn't for me. It's for you. If you read it and got something out of it, I'm happy. Good luck, and I look forward to reading more.
Love this! Nice work
my only issue is that there is no way one can make a living off of beta testing, let alone become a billionaire
I have a feeling it is a freelance thing rather than a full time job.
those who do do it professionally still make little and need a college degree.
Great start, I'm not worried about Sweetie dumping Button just because he got his cutie mark
that's when 
they'll break up.
No, when Sweetie gets hers and has a completely different vision of their lives together that
Hmm... I can see it as Sweetie thinks that now that Button has his cutie mark that he will not want to be her coltfriend. But there are many ways this could go. Anywho... I like this story so far!
Can't wait for the next chapter
Aww, poor Sweetie.
Update soon!
Aww, canceled? As long as they got back together in the end, I wouldn't snap necks...
Um why is this cancelled I think you have a great story line and potential to make this a good story,so what happened?
4628148
It was canceled in honor of the JanAnimations cease and desist. I felt it wasn't really right to keep writing until the work it is based on can continue.
I was just gonna go to the next chapter, then I saw the words " Cancelled ".
The Cease & Desist curse that the dreaded Hasbro has put over us all... We're d-d-doomed....
WE'RE DOOMED HASBRO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!?!?!?!?!
-A panicking Button
Cancelled? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!