When you gonna grow up?
“Dammit, Jamie! When are you gonna grow up?”
My mother slammed her coffee mug on the table in frustration, splashing coffee everywhere.
“All you ever do is walk around with a silly grin, and play with ponies. Why don’t you get a job? Why don’t you move out of my basement? You’re twenty four years old! You can’t live with a bubble on your head forever, you know.”
“You just don’t understand me, momma!” I cried out. It wasn’t just her; no one understands me, or my love for My Little Ponies. It’s an escape. As you can see, I have a terrible life. No one accepts my love for cartoon horses. I can't get a job anywhere because I'm a college dropout.
My mother is just a gaijin parasprite. My father died years ago in a tragic bowling accident. I’m sure that if he were still around, he’d love me. He always let me smoke and drink when I was only fifteen, and he bought me all the Cheetos and Mountain Dew I could drink. He also made a mean plate of spaghetti.
I ran off towards the doorway, grabbed my fedora from the hat rack, and my mother yelled, “Aren’t you going to shave? You’re not going out looking like that!”
“No, mom! Chicks dig my beard!” I said. Unfortunately, for some bizarre reason, my beard hasn’t quite yet filled in above my chin and on my jaw, so it’s just on my neck for now. God, no one gets me, do they? I’ll be right back, I need to go cut my arms some more.
So anyway, I got into my old riced out 1997 red Camaro that’s missing a front hood. But hey, that means everyone can see the kickass 3.8 Liter V6 engine. My car had a cherry bomb exhaust so it would sound cool when I took off in it. All the neighbors complain when I come home at three in the morning, but what do they know? I drove off to my very favorite place in the world. No, it wasn’t church; I’m an atheist and proud of the arguments I start with my religious friends on Facebook. Yes, my favorite place was Hot Topic.
I love Hot Topic so very much. It is a sacred temple for bronies everywhere to worship Celestia and Faust. There, I can buy shirts, belts, and keychains to express my love for My Little Pony, and wear my bronydom on my sleeve to prosthelytize others. You can also buy the comics there, but I prefer to pirate those online. Paper media is old media. Digital is where it's at. Do it to save trees, and save space on your bookshelf.
I drove down the interstate at 82 miles an hour and didn’t get pulled over, because I’m fucking pro like that. The only time in my life that I ever did get pulled over, I cried my eyes out in front of the cop and told him that my wife had went into labor and that I was rushing to the hospital to go meet her. He actually bought it! Silly cop, I'm actually a virgin.
Anyway, I was blasting “Breaking the Habit” by Linkin Park on full volume. Man, those guys really know how to connect to me as a young adult. They’re my fifth favorite band, after Fall Out Boy (did you hear they got back together?), Panic! at the Disco (have you heard their new album?), Nirvana (RIP Kurt), and the band that does the theme song for Fullmetal Alchemist.
Also, I like the Gorillaz, Eiffel 65, Cher, and All-American Rejects. Hey, just one guilty pleasure is fine, right?
As I was driving, I fired up a Pall Mall. Hey, I know it’s not the best cigarette out there, but it’s affordable, and when you’re unemployed like me, you smoke what you can. And yes, I know that it’s bad for me, but anything to end my miserable existence even just one second sooner is worth it to me.
So anyway, I pulled into the parking lot of the Looming Meadows Mall. While on my way there, I ran a light just as it turned red. Yeah, I’m a regular Franklin Clinton, huh? After driving around without finding a parking space, I finally just said “fuck it” and parked in a handicap spot. Though I don’t have a placard, I consider my depths of unfathomable sadness to be a disability enough.
I got out and walked over to the entrance of the mall, paying no attention to the angry glares that I got from my fellow shoppers for my perceived violation of human decency. They just don’t understand me. Anyway, I was on a mission. Maybe Hot Topic had the Doctor Whooves T-shirt in by now, because they were out the last time I checked.
Just as I was walking, I heard an eerie rumbling sound. I turned around to see what it was. Then, I noticed that everybody was gazing at the sky. Well, whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t Jesus coming back, because Christianity is an anti-science religion invented by ignorant knuckle-dragging sand people thousands of years ago. Humans are much smarter now then we were when they wrote the Bible. I know I am, because I have an iPod. That’s why Jesus freaks are the worst that humanity has to offer. Islam is cool, though. I’m a tolerant person. Also I don’t want to have my throat slit.
I could see off in the distance that the rumbling was coming from a spherical, metallic object. I suddenly realized that this was a UFO. And surprisingly, it looked just like the flying saucers from those old 1950s alien invasion movies, when they thought that aliens were little green men rather than tall grey ones with dark eyes. The fifties were cool. You could smoke anywhere back then. But, they hadn’t invented grunge or punk yet.
As the spaceship drew closer and closer to earth, the force from its engines blew wind gusts all around. Stray leaves and newspapers flew everywhere. My long, greasy hair whipped at my face. Everyone around me ran, getting into their cars and dashing for cover. But not me. When the aliens invade, I will gladly be their first victim. I welcome their laser death rays, since it brings my miserable life to an end.
I heard the sound of breaking glass and crunching metal as cars crushed beneath the weight of the spaceship. Blaring and ringing of car alarms accompanied the beeps and boops from the massive alien craft. It was gargantuan: about a thousand feet in diameter.
A side of the craft opened, and a ramp came down. Everyone around me looked at the craft, their eyes widening as they feared what would come out.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, a pink figure emerged from the craft. I took off my glasses and squinted my eyes. Was she…?
“Greetings, earthlings! We come in party!”
She WAS. A grin slowly spread across my face from ear to ear. It was actually the first time I had smiled since my father had died.
“Pinkie Pie!” I cried out, and I dashed forward towards the craft.
“Hello, and who are you?” she asked me.
I wrapped my arms around her and said, “I’m Jamie Thompson. I’m a brony. I’ve always known that one day, Celestia and all
the ponies from Equestria would land here on earth and take the bronies back to Equestria with them. I knew it was true!”
“You know who we are? But how?” she asked.
“He must be their leader, and have mind reading powers,” said Twilight Sparkle, who emerged from the craft.
“Yes, I am their leader,” I said. “Me and other enlightened humans like me. Though we have been removed from our rightful seats of power by ignorant losers, theists, haters, juggalos, and gaijin. The only places where my people are in power are Sweden and Japan. Everywhere else is run by the aforementioned groups.”
“Well that’s no good,” said Princess Celestia, who had also emerged from the craft. “How can we make them change their ways?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “They are firm in their ignorance. Take my mother, for instance. She refused to acknowledge that my love for ponies is real and true. And she is my own flesh and blood.”
“Ooh, ooh, I know!” said Pinkie Pie, jumping up and down. “Let’s throw them all a party!”
“Great idea, Pinkie!” said Doctor Whooves, who had emerged from the craft.
“Doctor Whooves!” I cried, running up to him and giving him a giant bear hug. He more than made up for my dead father. “David Tennant has always been my favorite Doctor. Can you take me for a ride in the tardis? There’s so many places that I want you to take me!”
“This IS the tardis,” he said, pointing towards the spaceship. “I just modified it to be an American version. I don’t think too many of you across the pond are familiar with the Police Call Boxes in the Uneighted Kingdom.”
“I am, and all true Whoovians are,” I said.
“Well, there will be time for a tardis ride later. Wasn’t there a party that you wanted to have?” asked Doctor Whooves.
“Oh, right!” I said.
Soon, every single pony in Equestria piled out of the spaceship. It was a dream come true. I hugged each and every one of them as they came out, addressing them all by name. And I mean all of them.
There was Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Spike, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Princess Luna, Princess Celestia, Babs Seed, Gilda, Zecora, Trixie, Cheerilee, Mayor Mare, Angel Bunny, Winona, Opalescence, Gummy, Tank, Owlowiscious, Philomena, Hoity Toity, Photo Finish, Sapphire Shores, Spitfire, Soarin, Prince Blueblood, Little Strongheart, Discord, Fancy Pants, Daring Do, Flim and Flam, Cranky Doodle, Matilda, Littlepip, Mr. Cake, Mrs. Cake, Iron Will, Cadance, Shining Armor, the Wonderbolts, the Diamong Dogs, Chrysalis, King Sombra, the crystal ponies, Lightning Dust, Sunset Shimmer, Inky and Blinkie, Cherry Jubilee, Pipe Down, Pound Cake, Pumpkin Cake, Flash Sentry, Big Macintosh, Granny Smith, Braeburn, Sheriff Silverstar, Derpy Hooves, Lyra Heartstrings, Bon Bon, DJ Pon3, Caramel, Doctor Whooves, Octavia Melody, Berry Punch, Carrot Top, Nyx, Fleur De Lis, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Twist, Snips, Snails, Pipsqueak, Featherweight, Colgate, Dinky Hooves, Thunderlane, Flitter, Cloudchaser, Rumble, Roseluck, the changelings, Noteworthy, Nurse Redheart, Button Mash, the flower ponies, Raindrops, Aloe, Sparkler, Cloudkicker, Blossomforth, Hayseed Turniptruck, Mr. Greenhooves, Doctor Stable, Aunt and Uncle Orange, Starswirl the Bearded, Pokey Pierce, Stephen Magnet, Amethyst Star, Roid Rage, Mr. Davenport, Donut Joe, Gustave Le Grand, Screw Loose, Screwball, Jet Set, Upper Crust, Mulia Mild, and Ms. Harshwhinny.
I watch the show a lot, okay?
Soon, other bronies from the mall came out, saw what was going on, and ran over to see the ponies as fast as their hairy legs would carry their overweight, asthmatic bodies. As much as I didn’t like sharing the ponies with anypony, Rarity reminded me that generosity was one of the elements, so I graciously allowed them to also partake in the festivities.
There was a big parade down the main street of town, with all of the ponies and bronies walking. Every single pony from the show, from the mane six to the background characters to the minor characters, took place. It would be hard to describe the enormity of the event, but with the magic of alliteration, I may be able to. A true brony would read this whole list, but I understand if you're pressed for time, you can just skip to the next section break.
All Aboard, Amaranthine, Ambrosia, Amira, Apple Bottom, Apple Bread, Apple Munchies, Apple Slice, Apricot Bow, Apple Bumpkin, Apple Cider, Apple Cinnamon, Apple Cobbler, Apple Dumpling, Apple Fritter, Apple Honey, Apple Leaves, Apple Pie, Apple Rose, Apple Polish, Apple Stars, Apple Split, Apple Strudel, Apple Top, Auntie Applesauce, Agatha, Agile Hooves, Amberlocks, Amber Waves, Andalite, Arctic Lily, Ardent, Autumn Gem, Allie Way, Arpeggio, Airheart, Ace, Affero, April Showers, Agilent, all threw apples and apple related goods from their apple shaped floats.
Baritone, Beauty Brass, Bell Perin, Belle Star, Berry Dreams, Berry Frost, Berry Icicle, Berryshine, Big Wig, Bill Neigh, Black Stone, Blue Bonnet, Bonnie, Bottlecap, Mr. Breezy, Bridle Young, Burnt Oak, Ballad, Banana Fluff, Black Marble, Blue Belle, Brass Blare, Bright Idea, Billings, Big Shot, Blue October, Blueberry Muffin, Blue Skies, Bluebell, Blueberry Cloud, Bluebird Happiness, Bon Voyage, Brolly, Bush Master, Buddy, Berry Splash, Blaze, and Bushel all beat big brass bands and blew up big balloons, releasing them into the air.
Cloudy Quartz, Crescent Moon, Cobalt Shades, Castle, Check Mate, Crystal Arrow, Charm, Chocolate Sun, Chocolate Tail, Cinnabelle, Carts Before Horses, Cold Front, Comet Tail, Crystal Clear, Candy Floss, Cassandra, Luke, Chocolate Blueberry, Cinnamon Swirl, Cloud Break, Cloud Showers, Crafty Crate, Cream Tangerine, Castle Rock, Caboose, Caesar, Crimson Phoenix, Candy Mane, Cancer Treatment, Candy Twirl, Charcoal Bakes, Charlie Coal, Chelsea Porcelain, Cherry Berry, Cherry Fizzy, Cherry Strudel, Crystal Method, Chilly Puddle, Chocolate Haze, Classy Clover, Clip Clop, Cloudy Haze, Cobalt, Coconut, Concerto, Colossus, Cormano, Cornflower, Cosmic, Creme Brulee, Crescendo, Crest Crown, Chosen One, Candy Apples, Caramel Apples and Curly Cobbler catapulted coins and other currency to the lower classes.
Deep Blue, Descent, Dewdrop, Dizzy Twister, Drizzle, Dumb-Bell, Dust Devil, Dainty Dove, Daisy, Diamond Sparkle, Divine Path, Dance Fever, Davenport, Doseydotes, Dosie Dough, Dry Wheat, Dawnstar, Dandy Brussh, Diamond Mint, and Dusty Tomes all danced to a drumbeat.
Eiffel, Elphaba Trot, Emerald Beacon, Early Detection, Electric Blue, Endless Clouds, Earl Grey, Eliza, Esmerelda, Elric of Melnipony, Evening Star, Electric Excessive and Emerald Rhapsody all elucidated on the Elements.
Flash Bulb, Fleur de Verre, Florina, Faraday, Flank Sinatra, Fly Wishes, Flint Sparks, Fire Streak, Fleetfoot, Mr. Fruit Bat, Fox Glow, Felix, Faggot, Fiddlesticks, Film Reel, Flounder, Flurry, Fast Zippy, Forest Spirit, Frederick Horseshoepin and Fuzzy Slippers all frolicked in the fields.
Geri, Gingerbread, Ginger Gold, Gingervitis, Giselle, Gizmo, Goldengrape, Grape Crush, Grape Delight, Green Jewel, G. Raff, Golden Dawn, Golden Delicious, Golden Glory, Graceful Falls, Grape Soda, Great Scott, Green Gem, Gold Slipper, Graphite, Golden Glitter, Glimmer, Goldilocks and Gumdrop gave gifts to the good boys and girls.
Holly Dash, Hors D’oeuvre, Half Baked Apple, Happy Trails, Haakim, Hard Knocks, Harry Trotter, Hay Fever, Haymish, Hazel Harvest, The Headless Horse, Herald, Heracles, High Style, Hippocrates, Horte Cuisine, Hugh Jelly, Homestar Runner, Helia, Honey Tone, Honeycomb, Hoofler, Honey Mead, Honey Rays, Hoops, and High Winds heaved heavy hooffulls of hamburgers onto heated grills for the hungry hoards.
Igneous Rock, Icy Drop, Ivory, Jade, Jahgles, Jeff "The Dude" Letrotski, Jesús Pezuña, Jim Beam, John Bull, John Mare, Jubileena, Junebug, Jack Hammer, Juicy Fruit, Jonagold, Karat, Kazooie, Klein and Knit Knot kept kids from jumping into the interstate.
Long Jump, Lavender Fritter, Lucy Packard, Lavender Blush, Lavenderhoof, Leather Chaps, Lemon Chiffron, Lilac Links, Lily Valley, Lincoln, Linked Hearts, Little Poe, Liberal Media, Lotus Blossom, Lucky Clover, Lyrica Lilac, Laurette, Lavender Skies, Lemony Snickett, Lightning Bolt, Lichen Leaf, Lysergic Acid, Lime Jelly, Lucy Packard, Lightning Streak, Lemony Gem and Lemon Hearts all leapt long lengths and laughed loudly.
Misty Fly, Madden, Merry May, Midnight Strike, Midnight Mountain, Milky Way, Majesty, Dr. Mane Goodall, Mango Juice, Marigold, Maroon Carrot, Masquerade, Master, Maybelline, Meadow Song, Melilot, Midnight Fun, Millie, Mint Swirl, Mjölna, Morton Saltworthy, Minuette, Mercury Hooves, Mochaccino, Moldova, Madmax, Maxiie, Marey Fetlock, Monochrome Sunset, Mountain Dew, Magnum, Manerick, Motion Sickness Magdalena and Meadow Song all met the masses and made a magnificent mess of most of main street.
Nana Knits, Nightingale, Northern Lights, Neon Lights, Nixie, Nobel Laureate, North Pole, Nurse Snowheart, Nurse Sweetheart, Nurse Tenderheart, Nurse Coldheart, Night Knight, Night Light, Night Shade and Night Spots all napped at nine at night.
Opal Water, Orange Blossom, Orange Box, Ocean Breeze, Orchid Dew, Oh Henry, Oakey Doke, Olivander, Olden Pony, Orion Masseuse, Orion and Obscurity all offered overweight kids olives.
Pony Quake, Pearl, Perfect Timing, Perry Pierce, Pixie, Ponet, Poppycock, Primrose, Paisley Pastel, Pampered Pearl, Parish Nandermane, Peachy Cream, Persnickety, Petunia, Picture Perfect, Pigpen, Pine Breeze, Pish Posh, Pitch Perfect, Pferd, Play Write, Post Haste, Powder Rouge, Pretty Vision, Ms. Peachbottom, Pen Stroke, Promontory, Purple Haze, Purple Wave, Paradise, Pastry Cakes, Purple Polish, Peachy Sweet, Pink Lady, Prairie Tune, Purple Prose, Parasol, Parula, Peppermint Crunch, Pink Cloud, Pizzelle, Physical Sound, Prism Glider, Pumpkin Tart, Poco and Pokey Oaks all played ping pong.
Quicksilver, Queen Latifah, Quick Fix, Q. T. Prism, Raven, Red Rose, Rhythm, Rosewood Brook, Razorwing Greybeak, Royal Ribbon, Raggedy Doctor, Ragtime, Regal Candent, Reflective Rock, Rick Shaw, Roma, Rose, Roxie, Royal Riff, Rainbow Brite, Ronald McDonald, Rain Dance, Rainbowshine, Riverdance, Rivet, Rosewing, Red Delicious, Red Gala, Rapid Rush, Rose Quartz, Rubinstein, Rolling Stone, Rapidfire, and Red Gala raved in the revelry of the restless rabble.
Sundowner, Shutterfly, Silver Lightning, Surprise, Sunrise Spring, Shakezula, Salt Lick, Sandy Soles, Seasong, Serena, Shamrock, Shoeshine, Shortround, Short Skirts, Sir Pony Moore, Sky View, Smash Mouth, Smokestack, Snappy Scoop, Soigne Folio, Soot Stain, Spring Flower, Spring Water, Squeaky Clean, Star Gazer, Saccharine, Silver Quill, Seven Seas, Starlight, Steamer, Steel Wright, Stella, Storm, Strawberry Cream, Sun Streak, Sunset Bliss, Surf, Swan Dive, Sweetie Drops, Swift Justice, Symphony, Sandstorm, Sassaflash, Score, Serenity, Sightseer, Silver Script, Super Mare, Shadow Horizons, Silent Storms, Silverspeed, Silverwing, Skyra, Slipstream, Snowdrop, Snow Flight, Snowflake, Spyro, Special Delivery, Spectrum, Spring Skies, Sprinkle Medley, Star Hunter, Sugar Ray, Starburst, Stardancer, Starsong, Sugar Apple, Strawberry Sunrise, Star Shadow, Stormfeather, Sunburst, Sunlight, Sunny Rays, Sunstone, Sapphire Rose, Sugar Glass, Sunshine Splash, Sea Spray, Sea Swirl, South Pole, Short Skirts, Spring Fresh, Star Bright, Star Dream, Sky Dream, Strawberry Lime, Sugarberry, Sweet Dreams, Sew 'n Sow, Stinkin' Rich, Snorlax, Swan Dive, and Sleepy Hollow all scampered up the sides of the city skyscrapers and skydived down into the streets below.
Theodore Donald "Donny" Kerabatsos, Toffee, Tourist Trap, Tree Sap, Tropical Spring, Turf, Twilight Sky, Thorn, Tiger Lily, Tiger Woods, Tin Tailor, Tracy Flash, Tropical Storm, Toto, The Inquisitor, Top Notch, Twilight Velvet, Twilight Sky and Twinkleshine tortured the terrorists who took down the twin towers.
Uncle Wing, Vanilla Sweets, Vanilla Skies, Vera, Vigilance, Vance Van Vendington, Violet Velvet, Wacky Hair Day, Mr. Waddle, Walter White, Welly, Windy Mirage, Wildwood Flower, William Wright, Wilma, Winter Withers, Wisp, Wave Chill, Wind Runner, Wild Fire, Wing Wishes, Written Script, Whiplash, Wensley, Xylophone, Xenophobe, Yooess Dee, Yo-Yo, Young Blood, Yearning Dawn, Yellow Bridges, Yesteryear, Yolo, Zephyr, Zales, Zirconium, Zanzibar Shores, Zoo Keeper, and Mr. Zippy did something too, but I can't quite remember what it was.
If you are a true brony, you just read that whole list and knew every single one of those ponies like I did. In fact, I addressed each of the ponies by name, and not one of them thought it was creepy that I already knew who they were. And why would they? Ponies are so much more tolerant and open minded than humans. We suck.
After the parade, we all went back to the mall.
“Free lemonade!” cried Pinkie. She set up a giant lemonade stand in front of the mall. Gallons and gallons of the delicious drink stood in jugs, and a line snaked around the block. I was first, of course, and chugged down the lemonade. It was the best lemonade I had ever tasted. Though I would have preferred Mountain Dew, I knew that in Equestria they had probably never heard of the green nectar of the gods. I would have to introduce it to them in exchange for taking me to their planet.
Sunset Shimmer was there, too. I pulled her aside and asked her to do a special favor just for me.
"Hey, Sunset Shimmer?" I asked her.
"Yes, Jamie?" she responded.
"You see my Camaro over there? The one with no hood?"
"Yeah, what about it?" she asked.
"Well, it's just so awesome, that I can't stand anypony else having one. Can you go through the parking lot and destroy any other Camaro? Actually, any other chevrolet vehicle, for that matter."
"Sure," she said. She walked around to every single Chevrolet in the parking lot, except mine, and set fire to it. Gosh, what a great thing to do.
Also, Doctor Whooves offered every human free healthcare just like they have in the Uneighted Kingdom and Sweden. He is a doctor, after all. The sonic screwdriver only mangled a few internal organs, but everyone else was fine. Their ailments were all cured. The blind could see again, the lame could walk again. It was truly as was foretold in the prophecies.
Soon, Rarity pointed off towards one of the shops in the mall.
“Barnes and Noble? What’s that?” she asked.
“Oh, that’s old media,” I said. “The internet’s where it’s at. Those books are just killing trees. Get a Kindle Fire.”
“Then what’s Barnes and Noble still doing here?” asked Fluttershy.
I shrugged.
“Well, what are we waitin’ for?” asked Applejack. “Let’s go kindle a fire and get rid'a these books!”
Though normally an ignorant redneck thing to say, I for once agreed with the southern, stetson-wearing pony. After all, a cowboy hat is just a fedora with an extra wide brim.
Soon, the entire crowd of ponies that I just mentioned overran the entire Barnes and Noble, breaking the windows and running into the store. The store clerks all ran out in a panic as plenty of pastel ponies piled into the place of purchasing.
The ponies ransacked the shelves, carrying all the books out into the center of the parking lot next to the spaceship. They made a giant pile that towered ten feet high.
Twilight, though normally holding books as sacred, knew that they were outdated. So, she lit herself on fire like she did in Feeling Pinkie Keen, and stepped into the pile of books. Soon, thousands upon thousands of books were ablaze, their smoke reaching into the heavens. The light from the blaze illuminated the night sky. Oh, and it was night time now, too.
Rarity and I stood, gazing at the fire, the smoke, and the stars.
“My, my, it’s so beautiful…” said Rarity.
“It is, isn’t it?” I asked her. I turned towards Rarity, and her eyes met mine.
“Jamie…” she said. “You’re so well-dressed. That fedora really compliments your Cheetos-stained hoodie.”
“And you,” I said, “You are so gorgeous that you don’t even need clothes.”
“Jamie…” she started, moving her lips towards mine.
“Rarity,” I said. Then, we locked lips in a passionate embrace. Soon, we had to take it into the back of the spaceship, if you know what I mean.
Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who had this idea. As Rarity and I walked, her hoof in my hand, I saw dozens of other pairs of bronies and ponies. I smiled, as I knew that we were all in for a treat. Rarity and I went into her quarters, closed the door, and I’m sure that you can figure out what we did next.
About two minutes later, hundreds of bronies emerged from the craft, their desires fulfilled.
“That was amazing, Rarity,” I said, puffing on a cigarette as I lay in her bed.
“Oh, and that was amazing as well, Jamie,” she said, wrapping her arm around my chest.
“Jamie…” she started. “I know that you have friends and family and all, but I was really wondering if you--”
“Yes, I will go back to Equestria with you. So will all of my brony comrades. We are too good for this sinful earth.”
Rarity squeed. “Oh, Jamie-wamie, I knew that you would!”
So, the next day, we headed off towards Equestria in our glorious spaceship. I left my mother behind, though I did get to take my Camaro with me.
And that is the story of the spaceship that landed by the mall.
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- CartsBeforeHorses · 2.2k words · 71 4 · 1.2k views
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Yawn
*Gets up out of bed and walks outside*
Huh...
*Everyone is gone*
Where did everyone go?
*Looks at a note*
Dear Soft Shell, today everypony in equestria was foced to leave the planet,
However you were asleep and we did not wish to disturb you
Wait why would they leave?
*Looks up*
Not again.....
*A large meteor is about to crash into the planet*
Whelp, That was the most bat shit insane thing Ive ever read.
10/10 Would lol again. :D
You've been doing a lot of parodies lately, huh?
I commend you, good sir!
Laughed many a time reading this.
Abusing religion. Jamie is a massive jerk in that regard. Particularly one I follow. -1.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE
3407409 Dude it's a joke man. Jamie is a stereotypical Redditor. I've got nothing against Christianity.
Hot Topic: the Mecca of the MLP fandom. All able bodied bronies must visit it at least once in their lifetimes.
Jamie knows where it's at.
Burning... books... why did Twilight not kill them all?!
-T.R
Carts, I've read basically all of your stuff. And this is arguably the best thing.
Not sure if punk intolerant brony or Steore-type brony.
Well, this story looks weird.
*read-later*
Worth it.
Damn, that's a fuckton of ponies!
Um...I feel like I just got trolled really hard but not sure...meh, have a thumbs up for coming up with something so damn ludicrous and for lampooning our dear fandom so well.
I wonder how many bronies actually fit the stereotype you described in this fic.
3407483
Well, okay.
Still...
Some of those pony names....I see what you did there. So assuming he basically had a massive stroke and is dying in a hospital bed
[Reader: starts story] hmmm this seems suspicious.
I really REALLY don't like this guy!
I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY DON'T LIKE- 
wait a second... 
Was that the point of the whole story?
Only on the internet...
[Reader: meets main character] I don't like this guy.
[Main character: lied to the police, parks illegally and, when he meets the Mane 6, immediately starts lying] I really don't like this guy.
[Main character: asks Sunset to set fire to all other vehicles that aren't his]
[Main character: starts a book-burning] I really REALLY REALLY don't like this guy!!!
[Reader: finishes story]
[Reader: reads comments] That was the point of the whole story... Huh
Me and my boys when we saw this:
"I am not going out there."
"I'm not going out there."
"Ha ha I'm definetley- aw."
"Sorry bro."
"2 weeks from retirement."
"Good luck hahahaha hahahaha" "CRUNCH" "OW MY FOOT!"
Here watch this