Dude.....that.....fuck no that was just wrong, hope this gets resolved, I really do.

I can't believe the feels portrayed in this chapter were stronger than the sex. I'm so rooting for Rainbow, but oddly enough I want Soarin' to walk in the valley of the shadow of death, suffer for what he did to Dash, find that part of him he "parted ways" with so long ago, then become a better stallion because of it.

If not...
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Other than that; bravo and well done on this chapter. Standing ovation.
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Holy shit. Not what I was expecting at all. Not at all. Gone is the humour and witticism and in comes the harsh realities of life.This is the first time in a while I've actually been moved by... well... anything really.

And here I was thinking this story would be funny.
I'm sad now.

Fuck.

You magnificent git.

Looks like my initial comment might have bore a little bit of fruit....two birds with the proverbial stone....

Princess Snootywings? Seems more like Princess CreamedCunt to me......

sorry Rainbow, but at the moment, it does seem like as the song says "You were just another notch on my guitar...", but contrary to the second verse, it is not because of you. This one is totally on Twilight. You more than likely told her what Soarin' really all about, being the good true friend that you are. However, poor Twilight ignored your warnings and advice. At least she did have the no-baby juice before all this happened.

And it looks like Fleetfoot was foreshadowing.....he knew all that was going on, and it was good on him to resist Twilight's advances. Nice speech too...more of them should tell them the real thing.

That definitely took a darker turn than expected. But it's become that much more interesting.
Though it would be amusing if Soarin' bagged all six elements. And the no baby juice thing failed. Then he'd live with the consequences!

OK this is why I take a sneak peek at the comments before reading... Should I continue reading this if I initially came here for sexy funtimes with our favourite ponies? There's no Dark tag though...

On the other hand it'll pretty much be on par for Idylia going by 'The Ones Forgotten' based on the comments.

3387511
Read on, friend. There is sex to be had and some of our favorite ponies will have fun. Idylia is putting a lot of love, sweat, and tears into this story, so there is no doubt in my mind that it will be gold all the way.

That was actually fairly refreshing. I was wondering if it would be something along the lines of a simple heat-induced rutting story. It's nice to see you take it differently.

3387341 It's entirely possible. Alcohol is made of various sugars, all of which can cause intolerance and allergic reactions in someone. Also some people just react badly to ethanol period.

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I figured there'd be reactions like this! That's fine with me, though.

If you think about it closely a bit you'll find that Rainbow's arc frames Soarin as a douchebag only thinking of himself and then Twilight's arc serves as a parallel to that but with the self-serving lust-driven maniac being the protagonist instead. It's a vapid attempt to show both sides of the coin of commentary: it's perfectly fine to want something meaningful, and it's perfectly fine to want something quick and easy but you are always in control of you and your actions speak louder than just your ideals.

Sorry if this blindsided you. Like I said in the synopsis of the story, this is my attempt to give meaning to the heat trope, and this is my way to do that.

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Oh, not so much blindsided as pleasantly surprised. I saw your warning, but didn't really imagine this would be what it meant until now.

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Well done. Well done...

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The reason I wanted to write a story like this is to give meaning TO the sexy fun times.

And honestly I cringe a little bit every time I pretentiously claim that this story has meaning like I'm some champion of greater significance. Really, you guys are the ones who decide if any of my misguided attempts actually hit home in some way, and I'm in no way claiming that fun sexy clopfics all the way through have no meaning. I love fun sexy clopfics. I just also feel that context and tension and stuff can add to the formula.

Hrm... I am not at all sure how I feel about this story, honestly. It's well written, visceral, and ... well kinda fucked up.

Doubly so because Dash and Twi are my favorites. o.O

Hell, I'm not even sure how I feel about Fleetfoot. On the one hand, decent guy. On the other, perhaps slightly sanctimonious?

Edit: Hell, the cognitive dissonance between Soarin interpretations is making it weird too.

Edit 2: Tentative conclusion, I should have read THIS first and "Twilight's Harem" second, I think.

Wow. Didn't think it was possible but, my boner actually die around the face fucking and a sickening feeling replaced it for the rest of the story.
Pretty sure it was because Twilight just got wretched by a douchebag.
The writing was good, not questioning that, it just, wow. Shit is going to hit the fan when she wakes up.

Excuse me, think I need some time to recover.

Okay. So. I made the mistake of reading this right before I had to leave for work, and as a result it was on my mind literally all day, and I have been stewing in my thoughts about it pretty much the whole time, sorting out how I feel about it. So, apologies in advance, this might take a while.

To bottom line it for you: I didn't like it.
But probably not for the reasons you might think.

I may be proved wrong in future chapters to come, and if so I'll retract this comment, but for now, it appears to me as though the issue I'm having is outside the story, on an authorial level. And I don't mean that as an insult; I appreciate, nay, applaud the effort you've made to portray the idea of ponies having a heat cycle in a way that has more meaning than just an excuse to make everyone fuck each other.

However, I am sad to say that I find your interpretation/portrayal of the concept here to be deeply and fundamentally flawed.

If I had to summarize the flaw, I'd say that the picture you've painted of pony society's approach to sex specifically in mating season is kind of... too ‘human,’ if that makes sense. From a cultural standpoint. And what I mean by that is, a lot of characters treat it like it’s something to be ashamed of, which is something I should have seen coming in the intro chapter with Applejack's attitude.

For example, with Twilight in particular, it felt like she was almost being judged for the simple fact of being in heat. In the scenario you created here, she was legitimately interested in Fleetfoot, they were having a good time together and sharing common interests, and they obviously found each other attractive. Twilight was, of course, in heat at the time and in need of relief, as her body was naturally compelling her to seek out, and so she made a move. ....And Fleetfoot's response is to get upset and angry at her about it, acting like, as I was saying, that it was shameful, that it was beneath a civilized pony like him, even going so far as suggesting that she should be ‘better than that’, and that maybe she should look him up when she’s not in heat and maybe he might consider her then. And frankly this is a horrible attitude to have toward a biological function that she literally has no control over. A human equivalent to this would be like a man saying to a woman “Ugh, you’re on your period? I thought you were better than that. Call me when you’re not bleeding from your vag.” It sounds awful, right? But this is the attitude Fleetfoot spouts at Twilight.

The stigma went both ways too. There was also the whole sequence of Dash being deeply and utterly disgusted with herself for giving in to those....completely natural urges that every mare ever in history feels. Which, to be fair, was somewhat justified in that Soarin' was kind of a dick, but honestly he didn't come off as douchey as I think you wanted him to sound. His was more of a blunt, no-bullshit kind of dickishness. Less of a 'total fucking sleaze' sort of deal and more of a “hey, you’re in heat, I think you’re hot, let’s not dance around the blatantly fucking obvious here” kind of thing. An attitude the freshly-jilted Twilight was eager to get beneath behind. And frankly I think they had the right idea. Problem is, it felt like this was not the reaction you were trying to invoke. It reads like we were supposed to see their frantic rutting session as filthy and sinful and wrong and slutty (Yes, Rainbow actually literally thinks 'slut' at Twilight for enjoying her session with Soarin', and even if it was just for a split second, just....what the fuck?) when, if anything, Twilight and Soarin' in their scene together had the healthiest approach to the matter of anyone in the story.

As I said, this just feels all in all like a much too 'human' way to approach sex in mating season. A lot of the reasons humanity as a general culture finds sex and sexuality shameful don’t make sense to apply to ponies. Religion being the primary one; ponies have no apparent religion. Or if they do, they’re certainly not specifically the human Judeo-Christian umbrella of religions that are most responsible for that stigma in our human societies. Those attitudes are deep-seeding in our collective consciousness because they're ideas human religion has pumped into our heads for thousands of years. But those religions don't exist in pony world, and so you can't necessarily apply those stigmas to a pony society.

And even if ponies DO have religion, it still wouldn’t make sense for said religion(s) to shame sex, especially not during heat cycles. The sheer fact of having a mating season at all, and therefore a VERY small window of fertility compared to humans, makes having a taboo on sex of that caliber not merely impractical, but outright detrimental to population growth entirely. Potentially even to the point of total species endangerment.

And that’s not even taking the (possible) issue of the apparent gender ratios into account.

Unfortunately I can't think of a way to suggest fixing this. This flaw is too deep, too much a fundamental core piece of your basic concept, and to change it would likely mean scrapping the fic entirely, which I wouldn't dare suggest. All that being said, I do still want to see where you take this whole idea, even if I deeply disagree with it. Who knows, maybe you'll turn my whole opinion around before the fic is over.

If you wanna chat about it further, you know how to reach me.

--CG

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THIS GUY
THIS GUY FUCKING GETS IT
GIMME A MOTHERFUCKING HIGHFIVE

Just finished the dash section....I feel like I just read rainbow factory or something, ie horrible. It's a well written story, it's just I wish I knew what I was getting into. I really don't want to read the rest of it to be honest.
Just took a wrong turn in the tone of the story for me.
Great job though!

Dude this is depressing and just come on man, you had something going and then THAT. Just no I'm done you write well but I done used most of my brain bleach else where. Also that entire scene had nothing to do with romance, change it to dark and it might be similar, just ugh. Not to hate on you bro just not my cup of tea, also gotta apologize. I'm venting this is the tenth story I've read and someting I dissagreed with happened "look its button mash he's awesome.......wait, what's going on here why is his mom aw f&@$k i forgot to untag mature". You would not believe how many times I've said that. So yeah ignore me, I'm sorry, and good night I'm tired and havn't been able to sleep in days.

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For all of you:
If you feel I have misled you, I apologize. Feel free to stop reading any of my material at any time you wish; If you haven't gotten it yet, the theme of this work in it's entirety is to take a trope (the mane 6 in heat) and defy the expectations that come along with it. I understand that, in execution, the idealism of that approach breaks down and becomes dissonant to you as a reader, and I have from the beginning.

Most of all, thanks for reading!

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Well, four (six now) thumbs up means that people agree with you, to some degree. I am hesitant to respond to this in earnest, because you've read it and you feel a certain way and if I have to justify the text in the comment sections then I've more than failed in conveying the themes I'm trying to portray.

First thing you're assuming:
Society in my story is one that looks down upon sex. It's erroneous to say that I'm making a claim about the society in this story; rather, I use the characters and the way I present them as two sides of the same internal conflict, or at greatest, conflict between two characters. There is absolutely zero mention of society vs character in this chapter*; only character vs character is ever mentioned.

*Aside from the symbolic "Wonderbolt Treatment" (the shift from "Ponyville" to "Cloudsdale") and the differentiation between a "Cloudsdale" lifestyle and a "Ponyville" one, which are two representations of the two sides of the coin I'm trying to comment on. The "Wonderbolt Treatment" is, at best, a sub-textual symbolic representation of Soarin's emotional manipulation of Rainbow Dash.

I'm going to tackle Rainbow Dash first.

When I portray Soarin as a sex-mongering douchebag, you need to understand that we are given that portrayal from inside Rainbow Dash's head. Rainbow Dash is an unreliable narrator, and, I'd even go as far to say that Rainbow Dash is the character most in the wrong in this story.

You're making a claim about "society's" views about sex in my story without bringing the most important part of that up.
Nobody but Rainbow herself looks down upon her as a lesser being for having sex with Soarin.

Why? Why is she slut-shaming herself?
Because Rainbow is the champion of one side of the "coin": Rainbow is a character who, because of the events of her life, desires a connected, emotional relationship as opposed to just being seen as a sexual object. Soarin is portrayed as a douchebag from her point of view because he is unwilling or uninterested to see her as anything more than an object of physical desire.

Let's move on to Fleetfoot, who serves as the other representation of the same side of the coin.

I don't think anyone will disagree with me when I say that Fleetfoot was not wrong for also being a character who wants an emotional, meaningful relationship. You never mentioned that you were angry that Rainbow wishes she had (much more violently, I must add) told Soarin off for being a sexually objectifying douchebag, and yet you brought up Fleetfoot and his angry rebuke of Twilight.

Why?
Twilight was sexually objectifying Fleetfoot in the exact same way that Soarin was objectifying Rainbow. The reason it "feels" justified is, again, because we are seeing this objectification from the head of Twilight. They briefly talk about the things that connect them (Science/Magic for Fleetfoot and Twilight, Flying for Soarin and Dash) before it becomes of secondary importance to sexual desire.

The difference between Rainbow Dash and Fleetfoot should be obvious: Fleetfoot is not in heat, and is therefore more able to make a decision on what he believes rather than acting against himself and regretting it later. On top of that, he feels no lifelong pressure to have an "emotional, meaningful" relationship with specifically Twilight-- note that it IS implied that he DOES feel pressure to have one, just not with as much gravitas as Rainbow's inner-conflict because of that delineation of character.

Next we're going to tackle Soarin:
Again, I want to say it's incorrect to assume that I am saying that slut shaming is objectively "right", and that Rainbow/Fleetfoots idea of a relationship (emotional, meaningful) is therefore objectively "right." Soarin, and the difference in the way that Twilight and Rainbow Dash see him, is the representation of the other side of the coin. All he wants his sex. Where do I say that is wrong? He wants sex and asks for Rainbow's consent, which she gives to him.

The thing that DOES seperate Soarin and Twilight, though, is that Soarin is emotionally manipulative of the ponies he wants sex from. He has an agenda, and impresses that agenda onto the objects of his desire. This is where Soarin is in the wrong-- NOT the part of him that wants sex. This should be why you identify and feel strongly for Rainbow Dash when she regrets her decision to pursue sex with him. This is why there are so many comments talking (rightfully) about how much of a douchebag Soarin is.

Twilight Sparkle
I've talked about the importance of the perspective character above. Because she has the same agenda as Soarin from the start, his "emotional manipulation" is seen as a welcome advance to her, and she returns and buys into those advances in earnest.

This is why I show the sex between Twilight Sparkle and between Soarin; because this payoff is crucial to her idea of a relationship, and is crucial to understanding her experience. The sex also frames their interactions in a positive, pleasurable light, which is a good thing. I intended you to enjoy this sex. I wanted you to be right there with Twilight as she got what she wanted and had absolutely no problem with it.

If you thought Rainbow was totally in the wrong when she slinked out of Soarin's room, traumatized, and thought of Twilight as a slut, you are feeling what I intended you to feel. But Rainbow's perspective is not Twilight's perspective. Rainbow impresses her ideas of a relationship onto Twilight and misunderstands Twilight's motivations;

What you don't realize is that Twilight does the exact same thing to Rainbow Dash. Remember; she knows Rainbow Dash is in the bathroom, hearing everything, as she fucks Soarin senseless. The reason that doesn't bother her is because she is impressing her ideals of a relationship onto Rainbow and misunderstands just how badly she is hurting Rainbow Dash in the process. Twilight is also totally in the wrong for thoughtlessly fucking Rainbow Dash's childhood idol and hurting her friend in the process.

So it comes down to the moral of the story.
It is okay to want to just fuck someone. It is okay to want a meaningful relationship with someone. But you're in the wrong when you impress your ideas of what a relationship is onto other people. You can HURT PEOPLE like that.

And finally to your comment about the human-take on sex in this story; you are not entirely incorrect. There are elements that are unique to the universe that I pull and use to add to the point I'm trying to make (Heat being the main one). There are elements that would probably be unique to our universe that I pull and use to add to the point I'm trying to make (the idea of NEEDING to get to know someone before you fuck them, the concept of slut shaming).

But I believe that the story is better for it, and so the cognitive dissonance that you're experiencing due to this cultural amalgamation is a necessary evil, because in this way I am using the universe of FanFiction to my advantage while still making an (attempted) meaningful piece of art relatable to the human condition.

Hopefully you all understand this story better now. Again, I apologize for writing the text in such a convoluted, confusing manner that you weren't able to extrapolate all of this for yourself. But I did think long and hard about the way I was presenting this issue, and I am personally proud of my attempt to do so.

3390290 After reading that comment and thinking some more, I think I understand where your coming from. And to put my feelings on this short and to the point, I think that chapter 2 - 5 was putting to much formality and emotion into an act that is basically for reproduction and sexual satisfaction, but when Twilight "magic" that away it became a "buck-for-all". While that's exactly what Twilight and Soarin did, it's how it led to that that sent my feels all over the place. And even with her being in heat, she went from virgin to sex demon in the blink of a eye!

It just seemed so wrong. I'm going to keep reading, but I don't even know what to look for anymore. And what the hell happened to Pinkie and Surprise? I thought they were watching to make sure there friends got laid with the pony they were paired with.

Ok. Stop. Just going to shut up and read because I'm hurt myself thinking about this.

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Yeah, that's the one thing I was actually sort of worried about. A lot of proofreaders say my first drafts of stuff can be really contrived; having Twilight suddenly sucking Soarin off like a master was questionable to me, and admittedly very unrealistic. But it fit the tone of what I was going for, and it fit what I was trying to do, so I let it slide as "heat-driven instincts."

3391156 Oh Luna. This is "The One Forgotten" all over again isn't it?

STOP MESSING WITH MY EMOTIONS!!!

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No, The Ones Forgotten framed one relationship and "true love" and the other as something "lesser," which I regret to this day. It victimizes Rarity, who has done nothing in the story to justify this victimization, and uses her as a plot device to make a claim that one sort of relationship is "better" than another sort. It's very contrived, and there are a lot of things that I dislike about it. That being said, I think the emotions on display are pretty fantastic, and the sex is good too, so there are a lot of things that I like about it.

Twilight and Rainbow's synergistic arcs are actually a polar opposite to the theme present in "The Ones Forgotten"-- nobody is clearly right, or wrong-- they are realistic, fragmented characters--, and the only person who is victimized is Rainbow, who is victimized because of her own choices that she was cognizent of. Rainbow Dash is both the oppressor and the oppress-ee; she knew Soarin was emotionally manipulating her the whole time, and yet she acted against herself because she could not abandon the idealistic relationship with Soarin that she had constructed since she was a filly, predominantly because her body was working against her.

3391217 With how fast you uploaded those last 4 chapters I really think you purposely stop here just to gauge your readers reactions.

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Twilight and Rainbow's arcs were intertwined; We're not actually going to come back to them and see the morning after until the epilogue. We're moving on to Applejack and Rarity's, now, which is going to have probably no dark elements in it, and I'm starting to sort of regret not doing them first so that this coup d'eat of my own story wasn't such a blindside.

3391334 Yeah, I think putting Rainbow and Twilight last would have been a good call seeing as that will most likely have the biggest impact in this story. Guess it's too late to take those chapters back, huh? You know what? You should take those chapters back. Having RD and Twi go though that so early kind of killed the flow of the story for the rest of the character's.

And the story started off so funny too until this point.

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It'd be sort of trivial at this point; the people who didn't see them would wish they could have, and the people who did have already read it.

3391488 Yeah, your right. Damage has been done.
Well on to the rest! Let me stop sending you comments so you can get back to writing so we can get out of this dark hole we're in now.

What the fuck man. I just came here to touch myself but you made me have feels and shit. I don't know if I'm okay with that. I don't think I am considering what Twi and Soarin did to Dash... that shit's fucked up.

Edit: I just read you're explanation above in the comments and now I feel kind of like a shithead. but still man, you fucked with my feels. It hurts when you do that.

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i dunno
there was like 4000 words of raunchy horse sex
just i put it in a position where it had actual effects on the characters of a story

thanks for reading. hopefully you found something you liked..

A lot of people felt very strongly against this sudden shift in tone and presentation;

yep, turned to obvious soap drama.
m'kay, continue, please
but without me and as I can see some others readers.

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ouch.
alright then; i hold no ill will. i knew that this would happen for the most part-- i truly am sorry to disappoint you, but i dunno. i wrote something i wanted to, something i liked, so i'm gonna try to not let all the people and their anger get between me and that.

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It may not be for everyone, but you've put a ton of effort into it, and it shows. You're a fantastic writer--way better than me--and I for one love what you've done with it so far. This is the kind of story I can appreciate, so for the love of Pie, keep up the good work!

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I have to say, I am impressed!

Primary by simply reading just how much thought you put into this one.

Though, granted, I was surprised when I started reading.
Alas, not in the positive way.
That is, because I know your prior stories 'The Ones Forgotten' and 'A Long Night', the one a love story with much emotion, the other a very poetic piece of art.

But this...I didn´t know how to feel about.

First I thought you wanted to aim for comedy, but that would´ve been unlike you. In addtition you mentioned you wanted to put some meaningful in the 'main-cast in heat'-trope.

I think what confused me primary in the beginning was the cliché-like way you went and the difference in the 'atmospheric niveau' of the story compared to your prior ones, which were on a high level about deep feelings and true love.
This, to the contrary, was the simple 'mane 6 in heat go to a club, meet some stallions and want to f* them'-basis. Something I really hadn´t expected from you, and I puzzled if this was just some creative outlet for you to better concentrate on other projects.

But:

Then I switched to chapter 4, and your true self, the emotional and thoughtful writer, struck me so hard it was almost physical painful.
That jump from Rainbow verbally kicking Soarin´ in his balls to her crouching in his bath after the first round of sex...damn, that was an aggresive, nasty and insolent intelligent stroke.

After reading the last chapter, I pretty much had the view you aimed at.

Soarin, I don´t think he´s a complete ass. He doesn´t want a long-lasting relationship and simply enjoys having sex, though I recall it was implied he hadn´t always been like this.
Where he gets really on the reader´s bad side is his manipulative way, how he tries to lure Rainbow to give in to her needs despite her visible (and in the end vocal) discomfort.
And the fact that he actually succeeds, though its not shown if he somehow lured her back or if she came freely back to him. I think, the latter would hit Rainbow´s feels even more in a negative way, and I personally think it to be the more likely posibility.

Rainbow was just ashamed and disappointed of herself. She thinks of herself as a slut because she gave in to her basic urges and hates Soarin for taking advantage of this.

Twilight is exactly the opposite.
Basic urges she sees as part of herself and has no problems with attending to them in a proper way. It´s all just hormones and adrenalin and bodily chemics for her, and to go with it feels just natural for her. If he had wanted to, Fleetfoot could have had Twilight right there on the spot, he just had to embrace it.
Alas for Twilight, he did not, but shared Rainbow´s view, thus reacted the way he did.
That she in the end embraced Soarin´s manipulative way because they shared their points of view about sex wasn´t very surprising.

Still, after figuring this all out I was really surprised how much more thought stood behind all this, when I read your comment. I didn´t get the moral and the fact that Twilight and Rainbow were actually imprinting their views about relationships on one another.

In the end, I can say it was a good read so far. It´s not your typical 'fairytale love romance' one is used to from most other heat-stories, but one that orients itself closer to reality and approaches it another way.
So you can say: Mission accomplished!

What disturbed me though (and still does a little bit), is the beginning. It was so...fast. Too much for just one chapter, even if it had about 10.000 words. The plot developed too quick to the main-event.
Also the start with the mane 6 rising and realizing: 'Sh*, I´m in heat!' was really too much of a cliché, enhanced only by the random circumstance of them having to attend a public event and ending up in a bar with the Wonderbolts afterwards. (even if I have to grant: the way you led the Wonderbolts there was pretty funny and witty)

Feel free to stop reading any of my material at any time you wish

I won´t stop reading your stories nowhere near!
Especially not now.
I´m looking forward very much on what is yet to come, since this is still incomplete. It´s a nice change from the usual fairytale stories.

So all in all:

Keep up your amazing work!

PS: I hope this comment isn´t too long...

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Don't ever worry about leaving comments that are too long on my stuff; I appreciate it a lot more than you know.

The first chapter felt like necessary setup to me, so I tried to do it in a way that was as quick as possible and clever and entertaining to read in it's own right. Just enough to get a hint of what might conflict the characters, set up some expectations and setting, and then move on to the individual arcs that tell the "story" per se.

lastly, thanks a whole lot for taking your time to send me this comment. it feels really gratifying, amongst everything else. it's definitely just what I needed to wake up to.

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She’d do it, if she had another chance.

She’d buck him in the face, to boot. She’d fly home at speeds that would make him cry, and tell the girls, ‘Nah, he’s a dickhead.’

if she had another chance.

This is part of the chapter that follows where she tells Soarin off. That chapter depicting her telling Soarin off is, therefore, framed in a retrospective light from the eyes of Rainbow staring herself down in the mirror. She's wishing she did that. But she didn't.

Hoping to see more character development from Soarin. The glimpse into his mind that we saw before he caught Twilight wasn't really enough. I don't like it when characters show their potential to be interesting and then never become further developed.

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Realized that this morning and facepalmed for my slow-on-the-uptake-ness.

Maybe I was just confused about the fact that the 'tell-off' chapter was so fittingly written to the prior. That it was its own chapter and no italic imaginery scene of Rainbow standing in front of the mirror didn´t help, too.

My first thoughts after realization hit me:
You sick little brilliant bastard!

It´s been long time since a story occupied my brain that much.

Kudos to you.

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Oh god, I did that?
Holy shit, I didn't know I was actually funny. Thought I would come off as a dummkopf...
:|

:D

LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS CONSULT THE SHIPPING CHART!

SOARIN x TWILIGHT

FLEETFOOT x RAINBOW

SURPRISE x PINKIE

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Can anyone come up with a good pun on the "localized time reversal"? The best I could do is "Deja-fuck".

So... draaaaaaama.

Somehow, I don't see anything wrong with it. While I tend to prefere clopfic comedies, I like it when the author pust some intellectual effort into his/her porn.

Wait

Leather furniture?

All large mammals you'd expect leather to come from are sapient in Equestria...

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Ha HA! I knew SOMEONE would realize that. You'd think it'd be a bit easier, what with that long, telling, inner monologue about Rainbow's dream-Soarin being shattered in light of the new one coming right before her urge to throw up... but, alas.

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W... Wait, damn.
See these are the reasons I have Chinlamp as an editor of mine he would have slapped me for that had I not posted it without editing.
it's faux leather >.> <.<

3389444 Not really. I have seen 2 Soarins recently and one of them was exactly like this (though we got to see him in the past, where he was a better stallion). The other one was gay

3391091 I went to sleep thinking about your story and woke up thinking about your story. That probably means it's a good read.

So, first, there are my thoughts on the story and why I think the readers reacted to it as they did.

Soarin: With him, its a difference between a pony and a human point of view - we hate him because we are human. Seeing him from Dash' perspective gets him condemned pretty quickly, but even without it the readers would probably hate him either way. Yes, he is just a shallow womanizer who is used to having groupies... but he is one in a world, where women's own bodies rape-drug them on semi-regular basis. Also he is oblivious enough to keep hitting on a girl he makes physically sick. And he smokes.

Fleetfoot: Now this is where it gets really interesting. Because he is right. Even Twilight, our point of view character for the scene, admits it - he didn't do anything wrong. Most of us can symphatize with his desire to have a real relationship. So, why do we dislike him?

Because he is a nerd and so are many of the readers. That makes male readers associate with him to a point - and how many of them would refuse Twilight?
Also, because in ponyfiction, falling in love is easy. With the kind of buildup you gave the two of them, Fleetfoot could be reasonably expected to actually get a real relationship out of this in the end.

So, yes, he was right.

On the other hand, he was a nerdy guy the readers could feel for, who finally found a girl who got his jokes... and for the sake of his dignity rejected her so hard it almost got her killed (which again, was totally not his fault, but still... )

And finally Twilight x Soarin

It works well as the climax of the storyline because it brings all the pieces together. It fails as a sex scene, because at this point, the readers are not in the mood to read one. Either their mind is occupied with all the drama that happened before, or they are simply turned off by the fact that Twilight didn't get the likeable nerd and instead landed with a guy that the rest of the story was designed to make them hate.

I found myself skipping through parts of the sex scene in haste to get to the end and learn how the plot was resolved. At this point I'm not really interested in what happened to the rest of the six, just waiting for the epilogue to learn how the Dash/Twilight plotline ended (subject to change depending on how good they turn out to be)

Other obeservations:

1 Localized Time Reversal is an absurdly powerful spell (from what I understand, it is something like Orihime's "refusal" from Bleach - it might be a plot-breaking power in a different kind of story) and it is funny to see it used for such a mundane purpose.

2 Soarin went out of his house for an after-sex smoke. If he wasn't such a douchebag, Twilight would have died

3 If she weren't too panicked to concentrate, Twilight could have used 3 different spells to save herself:
* the gravity reverse you mentioned
* telekinetic levitation (which she had used in the Crystal Empire to catch herself while tumbling down the stairs)
* teleportation. Yes, there is conservation of momentum. But if you flip yourself around while teleporting (which Twilight is capable of) you would be "falling up" after the jump, allowing you to slow down safely.

3399502 Also, at one point Soarin ends with his lungs flared against Twilight's back. I'm not sure this is anatomically possible

3401053

I've often been told my first drafts are pretty contrived. I consider worldbuilding to be one of my weakest suits, so that contributes to it.

I think the horse sex is pretty good. Maybe I did too good of a job making people hate Soarin, or maybe I underestimated how much Rainbow's internal feelings would get people to sympathize WITH her AGAINST him (which i think is rather what happened; if Soarin did the exact same things and Rainbow was receptive to them and wanted the D, people would probably be on board).

Having someone say that they skipped over raunchy horse sex because they wanted to see the plot resolve is pretty endearing though; I like my horse sex, and I really try to make it fit with a story and make it 'do' something, but it's also gratifying to hear feedback that I can write a compelling story.

I really appreciate your thoughts and your comments, friend. If you have a skype and use it and would like to pick up a friend who likes talking about writing (and may bother you to read his drafts for him to make them less contrived) you should add me @ athieflord1 (skype username)/idylia (display name)

>Yes, he is just a shallow womanizer who is used to having groupies... but he is one in a world, where women's own bodies rape-drug them on semi-regular basis.

CarcinoGeneticist brought this up to me specifically, and it's a point that I agree with both you and him on. I really thought of the Heat as the means to the end, and, in trying to defy the trope's expectations, ended up not giving it enough credit in terms of the universe, and I really think that it's what weakened these chapters overall. Sorta cuz I asked people to take the character's actions at such face value and make judgements of their character based on them, while giving the heat (an element that drove those actions and was something that they inherently could not control) not enough of that weight.

I do think that this EXACT story wouldn't be possible without the heat, and I do think that some of the tension it brought was valuable, but in these two chapters specifically it's something that I feel worked against me.

I appreciate the feedback even more because I can live & learn from this stuff, which ultimately is one of the major reasons I'm pursuing FanFiction in the first place (the other being that I'm super involved with the fandom and I love the universe & being able to contribute to this community).

Whew. That went on a lot of tangents. I always feel like I shouldn't be as much of a force in the comments of my own story, but here I am. Heh.

Good chapter.

Loved the date, thought the weather machine sequence was fun and exciting. For the scene with Soarin... the writing was excellent, as always, but like others, I found myself skipping around. I just didn't feel any interesting connection between the two of them, bring as how Soarin had no personal connection to any of this, so he just doesn't add anything to these kinds of scenes. In some ways, it as a sequence, it was as detached as Twi abd Rainbow probably felt.

Again, though, the writing itself is great. Nice!