3284921
If you're looking for data, don't add an empty story without also adding and publishing a chapter. Views to the story splash page aren't counted for anything. For instance, Social Lubricant has been sitting there since last November and is still at zero views.

Edit: Link removed. And a big thank you to whoever was so principled in their efforts to improve the usefulness of the site's story rating system that they downvoted it before a single word was ever posted.

Very interesting... never seen a mlp fanfiction hit quite this tone before. But some of my favourite novels read like this one does.... definitely watching...

And now, having read the story … this is quite Bradburian (says the author who you compared to Bradbury, so I should know). Remarkably unsettling, in much the same way as the more visceral stories in The Illustrated Man.

What makes it so effectively creepy is that one hundred percent of its darkness comes from its characters getting exactly what they want.

3285984 Well thank you.

I'd have been okay reading it in small bits, but it will also be good to be able to read it all at once. It's not quite the same as with your Pony Tales – which I enjoyed very much – which even, if they leave you hanging in some sense, don't leave you expecting more to come.

I think this is the first time a ponyfic has actually creeped me out.

This is... extremely unsettling. Also extremely well written. It did indeed earn its dark tag. But... also one of those stories you look at and go "Nah, this ain't that MLP." This is something... else. Something I can't quite put a finger on.

But that might be my frothing-at-the-mouth bias against human in Equestria stories talking.

i.imgur.com/9HY53al.gif

I don't really have much to say here.

I may have to stare at the wall for a while after this.

3286732
Yeah, pretty much this.

A dark fiction without gore, and I'm still greatly unsettled. This was something new.

The relationship between the protagonist and Fluttershy rivals Edward's and Bella's in its unhealthiness. Lets face it: these two, are ill...mentally and emotionally. Masochism is something I'll never understand.

Favorited by the way.

One question though, if the protagonist has willingly deteriorated to the level of a feral, shit-throwing ape in Equestria, who is taking care of Flutters now that she's a farm animal on Earth?

3286732 My thoughts exactly, I felt the same mixed emotions as I did when I read The Martian Chronicles back in gradeschool. <whatthefuckamireading.jpeg>

Pretty much my eternal problem with your stories: They are perfectly written, but I can`t sympathize with your characters, which dulls any emotional impact they might have.

3284921 I did not receive a notification for this reply, sorry!

That might be a good way to figure out what exactly gives stories views. And though asking a mod or admin would probably be the fastest route, who doesn't love science?

However, I've just remembered that I do have a story sitting around here. It's unpublished (though, somehow someone actually found it and favorited it ) and has 59 views. The statistics only show me eleven hits over the course of August, and I put it there last November, so I think that would point towards web-crawlers or something similar. Also, I just clicked in and out of some chapters a few times and nothing happened to the count, so there's that.

One other possibility is the search feature on FiMFic letting people into unpublished stories (which is how my random viewer claims he got to it). But that begs to question why so many people would see unpublished stuff and not comment on it. Perhaps it is a combination of a faulty search function and web-ghosties using it. I do not claim to be an internet expert, so take these musings with a few metric tons of salt.

Now, since I have finished this story, I must join Blue Paladin in going to sit and ponder life while I stare at a wall. Or maybe a dark, dank corner. Something suitable to this atmosphere you've cooked up. This was quite a... something. Something I've not seen before. Good job, I think, and very interesting take on Fluttershy. As really weird as it all was, that doesn't seem totally out of left field for her.

Also, a little editing suggestion:

not letting on his time that you can talk.

You might consider, this* time. Though I'm sure we could think up a reason for why his time is being let on.

Sorry for the lengthy comment and all, but Yours in Internet Science,
~Fluttersyke

3293182 That's simple but very useful feedback - thanks!

Quite excellent.

I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling having read this, but I'm sure that I'm feeling it.

well...im not sure what im feeling like many of your readers have already said...i feel creeped out, disturbed, unsettled. im a bit sad but not very. this story was something else, very original. well done on this! your writing is excellent

what fluttershy wanted was pretty on character for her.

Like alot of the othere readers i dont k ow what im feeling. But from what I get fluttershy just wamted to get away from ponie society and the guy I have no I dea what he wanted but thats what I get from reading the story(simple.)

You know, Bad Horse, I'm kind of disappointed in you for having created a second-person story. As has been the case in recent months, I spent the entirety reading this and mentally swapping "You" for "He". All that in order to try and make a sympathizing connection with the character, but the mental gymnastics of trying to correct for what I've come to essentially deem a formatting error is rather disheartening when I see you making the mistake.

I'll tell you what I've told others when they've had a fantastic premise in the second-person: your story could have been immediately improved by changing things over to a third or first person perspective.

When using the second person, you are essentially sliding into a style where you tell. You tell the reader what they are feeling and doing about the circumstances of the story. That's even more egregious than telling me what a character is feeling, because then I still have the ever pleasant task of figuring out what I think of an emotionally complex situation.

Instead of thinking, "Gee, what sad, pathetic, broken individuals these two are," I'm thinking, "Gee, this author really smegged up in figuring out who I am and what I'd do in such a situation." In a way it's a bit like political propaganda: you're attempting to directly tell the reader the answer to the question "Who am I?" with a direct address rather than by presenting the actual characters in the story.

What all makes this even worse is that because of how proliferate you are as an author, I'm gravely concerned that other less experienced writers will come along, see this, and suddenly think its okay to use this writing style.

I feel like all of this should have been known to you before I came here, and the fact that I've felt compelled to bother writing this is an expression of how concerned I am for you.

For these reasons, this story is now going to be the third one I've downvoted on the site.

No disrespect, but I couldn't follow this at all. I guess this just isn't for me.

3491311 Looking back on it all--the benzadrine-fueled nights, the mix of peppermint and sulfur on her breath, the slowly-accumulating shells of dead cockroaches in the hall--you wondered when it had all gone wrong. And you remembered that day, long ago, that you down-voted a story because you didn't approve of the POV. If only you could take it back. But the glare in the red eyes of the hooded foreman's black horse tells you it is too late.

3685996 No, I'm going to hold you to high standard, and I've done more than most any by telling you why I disapprove of your formatting choice. An author as good as you should know better, so that mark of red is going to stay there, unless you mean to tell me that you've re-written the story.

Also, the thinly veiled insults are rather infantile, especially coming from you.

3686603 I didn't intend any insults. I was just trying to be funny. But I don't agree with downvoting a story because it's in second person, which is all your earlier explanation amounted to. I appreciate getting your feedback about why second person was ineffective for you, but ratings of individual stories aren't the right place for you to wage your war on second-person POV.

3686702 You're right, which is why I don't go after every second-person POV story, just the authors I've come to expect more from. I know you're a good writer, and I sincerely hope you never again waste your talent by making a second-person story.

wait , what the heck kind of fic is this?.....

Wondering how long paint stays on signs?! Oh, dear god, that human... what ruinous stagnation is this?!

I'm pissed at the story. Both of them shucked off the responsibilities of their worlds to become essentially pets in the others. Was the sex there as some sort of symbolism to romanticize the idea?

They were both too weak to put up with the hardships of their own lives that they went for something simpler. It's infuriating as hell... as intelligent beings, we're meant to carve our paths in this world and wallowing in the mud like that, waiting to be fed and petted and snuggled is abominable. How is society suppose to advance without you to get some damn shit done?

But, viewed from the darkness, this might be a far more favourable fate than simply offing yourself. Hell, you even got ponies to arbitrarily show you affection.

But darker still is how many people would dream for this... yearn for this... who would want to abandon whatever post life's chained them on because they find hardships unbearable.

Heh, I would like such a thing, actually. And I dream of similar things.

It's so complex that you want the simpler things.

But alas, it's not for me. I've invested too much in throwing my life into the gears of the status quo. It's a luxury that can be ill afforded, eh?

Thanks for giving me something to think about, Mr. Horse. Turned out to be much more than the tickle smut I was amused with earlier.

I would say this was quite the chilling fic, Bad Horse, but something about it just couldn't let me immerse myself in it. I have yet to figure out exactly what it is. I can easily tell you were going for a specific brand of creepy, and it could be I might be immune to it. I'd have to find others like this to compare. Anyways, it was an excellent read.

3829197 Did using second person make it more immersive, or less immersive?

3831556
Easily more immersive. Third person's alright, but after millions of words read that way, a switch of perspective is nice.

3828514 purpose and strength are not for everyone. At the risk of sounding conceited, this is not an opinion; not something one can debate as a philosophy. There are many signs that this is the case, and really you don't even need them to conceive of the possibility.

You need only consider the fact that different people are different. Just look around this site, you will find stories ranging from This to this and likely every step next to, above, below, behind and in between.

I say all of that to say this: different people are different. It doesn't make them wrong, or immoral for being so.

3831556 normally I simply can't read second person. This, however.... Well, it was a compelling enough story that I simply stopped noticing.

The fact that you never mentioned the name "Anon" was only a cherry on an already frosted cake.

I'll be honest in that once I realised what this was about, I didn't think I'd enjoy this fic. However, the quality of the writing and the emotion you were able to convey without the need for excessive description (a feat in itself) sucked me in like a black hole of words. This, my friend, is a beautiful piece of writing. My deepest compliments.

Good writing, creapy theme. Although I might be persuaded to be fluttershy's pet, with the right incentives

3879305
I've been thinking about your comment off and on for the past few weeks. Usually, I would think of responding with something retaliatory, stating all my opinions on the topic and how it makes my blood come to a boil. But... nah...

I can understand what you're saying. Have a bit of empathy. Be open minded. I consider myself somewhat good at this, if only to weaponize it (kidding :P). Love and tolerance, the fandom mantra, is all very fine and dandy.

The crippled, the youngsters, the elderly... they are incapable of heavy physical tasks. To ask them to labour about is stubborn exercise in futility.

How about the able bodied? Well certainly... but how about if they're mentally unable to continue. They're depressed, down on their luck, caused by things completely unrelated to the task at hand... my mom is ill and can't walk properly I can't do anything about it I'm powerless... Everyone fucking hates me fuck why do they all have to hate me I don't want to be alone anymore!... then perhaps some leniency is in order? Assistance would be most appreciated. Sympathy of plight, most welcome.

Rising above one's station... not all have the will to go beyond their capabilities. It's painful and often more trouble than it's worth for those who have tried and experienced it and gained nothing but bitterness. It's a troubling thing to heal a heart that once blazed but now is extinguished. They would rather stay where they are in the world cause change can bring an unknown. If I take a risk with more responsibility, how will my health be affected? One of my bosses started getting grey hair. He was in his late 20's at the time. Is the frustration worth it?

It's a horrible feeling, a helplessness that can not be avoided for many.

It's a wonderful feeling, one of contentment and safety.

Who is right and who is wrong is in the eye of the beholder. The kind and understanding or the uncaring, tunnel visioned in their goals to see anything but a bitching hinderance in their way.

Yeah, I get what you're saying. Open mindedness and empathy.

Hmm... in this story, absolutely none of the main characters motives are stated. Perhaps that's why it seems to be lacking in the humanity department? Were we suppose to infer the reasons for his actions through clues dropped in the story? Was this on purpose, cause outright stating motives, maybe even flashbacks, ruin the immersion?

Cause I originally thought him to be a lazy bum and chose to see him that way for the rest of the story, which is why I originally left an anger bomb of a comment.

There are hints of depression scattered all over the story, though, which could lend to me being a bit more sympathetic to the main character. That is, if I choose to do so. I rather like loathing him as a lazy bum that I originally interpreted him to be.

4248121 I didn't mean for him to be just a lazy bum, & there are some places in the story where he refers to past injuries. But the truth is I didn't have a clear idea what caused his problem, & this is probably why it wasn't clear to you.

Wow, this was really something. In retrospect the concept is simple, but not knowing what to expect when going into it, and slowly discovering the dark but fascinating psychology behind the characters in that subtle but concise writing style you have, makes for quite the reading experience. I have no idea what I think of the premise itself, outside of the intriguing creepiness, but I can say that this is a hell of a story.

This story is as memorable as it is disturbing, which I am pretty certain was exactly the goal you were aiming for. Very well done, though I'd hesitate to read more stories like it.

This was quite an experience.

The POV was a very nice touch in the sense that it should work even when it doesn't: a reader either willingly gives up their agency in favour of the character they embody, creating a parallel between themselves and the protagonist, or refuses, in which case the POV highlights this difference between their choices. Of course, some readers may outright refuse to read the story because of the POV, but that's their loss.

I liked the music, although I found that it served more to contrast the writing, than to build atomsphere. The tone of the story is dry, the descriptions are visceral and somewhat disturbing, whereas Cohen evokes a more romantic fur-by-the-fireplace imagery.
For lack of a better comparison, it reminded me of the mood in that one Bioshock trailer, gunshots and violence against the pleasant backdrop of Darin's Beyond the Sea.

On an aside, I cannot listen to the lyrics and read at the same time, so I couldn't tell if the lyrics were relevant to the story.

It's a pity that the track length didn't always line up with chapter length, because it's really cool when it does (as it did for me in the last chapter).

3879305
Oh no! Both of the stories you were linking seem to not be there, but my curiosity is aroused. I must now know what they were about!

5961754 It's been so long I can't quite remember the specifics. One of those was a poorly written gore-fest and the other was a fluffy little romance I had enjoyed.

The Fluttershy dream sequence in today's episode gives this story a certain extra something.

*backs away slowly*

The writing was good an well structured but I couldn't even finish chapter 1. I'm on of those people who doesn't like abuse to there favorite characters. Im trying to think of the name other people call people like me...oh ya its pussy.

3284249

"She dives on your cock like an angry badger"

Permission to use this somewhere? I don't even know where.

6692691 At a cockfight, I presume.

I just came across this story, and it's probably the most unique thing I've read on this site. And in a fucked up way, it is relatable. I'm sure most people have had those times where they just feel like fading into the background and not having to give a damn about the complexities of life. Well, this story takes those feelings and puts a face on them, and it's horrifying and brilliant. The writing style also fits perfectly. Honestly, I can't get over how smarty crafted and clever this story is.

I took the time to reread this the other day and I realized I never took the time to comment on it. It's very eerie that Fluttershy feels very in-character despite being in such an alien situation. Also, the sex scenes are really well written; despite being far less graphic than a typical mature story it manages to feel much more explicit and defiling. It's creepy and horrifying in a similar way to Friendship is Optimal - the worst part is that Fluttershy and the narrators' fate has its own twisted appeal.

Honestly, it might be my favorite story of yours (though Twenty Minutes is still dear to my heart, so it's not without competition).

Question: Didn't this story used to have a dark tag? If so, what made you decide to change it?

8338137 Thanks for the commentI I'm glad the sex scenes feel defiling. :) I wondered whether they went too far towards arousing. Re. the dark tag, don't remember, but I'd guess my reasoning was that "tragedy" covers the dark aspect, and adding "dark" to it leads people on fimfic to expect violence.

Upon reading this story I was enlightened.

Thank you for writing this.

Oof. I could have sworn I left a comment the first time I read this, but it seems not, so here goes: That was a fantastically written pile of stinking, unsympathetic pain. There are mentions in the text of hidden, motivating wounds on these two characters. But what kind of wound would make someone want to forget how to speak, lose all agency, and become a mere pet, not even among those they love? I wonder, and I struggle to imagine it.

But it was quite good. Thank you for writing it.