• Member Since 6th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 4th, 2013

Clouddahser


I eat your shit for food.

T

In 2897 When everything is normal, Alicorns attack, and it is up for a certain alicorn named Ally to save the world.

Please give no hate or anything mean in comments. This is my OC and you will not change it

THIS IS NOT A TROLLFIC, I WILL STOP WRITING SO I CAN BE BETTER AT GRAMMAR AND WILL NOT WRITE OC STORIES UNTILL I AM READY!

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 98 )

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ?

Alright, there are WAY too many things wrong with this disgusting mockery of a story, and it would take me about a week to sort through them all. So i'll name just a select few.

"the earth ponies put a spell on them " earth ponies can cast spells now? Your story just got rid of the unicorns unique abilities. Hope your happy.

RED N' BLACK ALICORN Get out.

"I haven't heard of Alicornlandia, can I study it?" said filly Twilight, barely comprehensible over the the sound of foam erupting from her every orifice.

"Alicornlandia" The creativity is literally melting my face off.

"I...........I am Ally, an Alicorn from Alicornlandia." Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. also, searching up "elipsis" will do you some good.

So all in all...
lostit/10 (I'm not sure if this was a serious attempt from you or a troll)

And correct me if i'm wrong, but don't moderators have to check stories before allowing them to be published now?

~Avol

I scrolled down and saw horrible grammar in the first speech line, immediately followed by random sexy AJ, then scrolled to the bottom and saw the word TARDIS being mentioned by Celestia.:rainbowhuh:

I refuse to read this.
Also, "so why is alicorns attacking us" is incorrect. "Alicorns" is plural. "is" is singular. "Are" is plural for "is".

I can't even comprehend you. :facehoof:

I don't like disliking stories, but I couldn't comprehend this story. I was looking for a dark story, and this was just... well... hilariously bad. I'm sorry to put down your fic, but you've recreated the Cutie Mark Crusaders' music video thing. This story could have great potential, but I feel like you don't have any sort of plan for this story. As others have mentioned, the beginning was... sexual, then quickly jumped to tragic as they met Ally(She's a very nice OC, btw). Celestia was unusually cruel, and the Doctor Who reference didn't fit in with the rest of your story. I recommend taking this chapter down then rewriting it so it's a bit easier on the eyes and mind.:pinkiesad2:

That was amazingly bad.

2960448
I thought it was good.

2958873
At least read it and review it please.

2957822>>2957822
It got disapproved two times, but I FIXED IT!

2960898
What did it get rejected for?

2960921
Dialoug being to close together.

Sorry man, it has potential. But... No.

2960927
One more question. Have you ever read a book?

2960940
Yep, Moby Dick and the other classics.

2959701
I think instead of TARDIS the author meant Tartarus, the underworld. :twistnerd:

2960961
Nope I meant TARDIS.

What exactly made you think this was a good idea?

This was a work of Godlike genius. I cried at its beauty. I swept tears of great, molten iron for the sheer strength of its beauty.

2960976
I wanted to write about my OC and found this site, and no story was like this one so I wrote it.

2960989
Well that's for sure. Most stories like this one... Well, let's just say they don't last long.

2960989
But there's a reason why there's no story like this, because there shouldn't be a story like this.

I'd help you further but... I get the feeling you won't listen to any advice I have.

To say this story is terrible is to call a rabid saber tooth tiger you meet in an alleyway a simple cat.

In otherwords, it is a disasterous understatement.

How... old are you?

2960966

Nope I meant TARDIS

You meant the time machine from Doctor Who? Did you mean a place where evil creatures or dead ponies are?

Fierfek, what the fresh hell is this?

This story could become a cult story, just like The Room became a cult film, for the exact same reason: They're both unbelievably, hilariously awful.

Your story starts off and I have no idea what the hell is going on. Your pacing switches between ludicrously fast and confusingly slow faster than I can say my username. It's not understandable.

Do you intend for your characters to have personality, or are they just going to be the empty cardboard box-ish ones they are now?

Capitalization and transitions are throwing me off of the story. If I get aggravated over punctuation issues when I read this, then it's not a good sign.

Five Seconds Later
There was a massive explosion with tons of mares and colts flying through the sky. They used their powers to lift houses and destroy homes. Twilight ran towards her frineds and signaled a warning that they were coming. Pinkie was ready and Fluttershy hid in a corner. twilight and her friends left to fight the ponies. One Mare Had been hiding in a corner covering her face.

thisisyourconscience.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/what-the-fuck-meme-generator-what-the-fuck-am-i-reading-3255b3.jpg

What in the name of all that is good is happening here? Who is destroying homes and why? Why signal her friends that something was wrong instead of just tell them, since they're all right next to each other? Who is coming? Why is Pinkie ready and how? Why are they going to fight? When did the random-ass "mare" enter their house?

You've done the fastest, laziest, least thought out and most half-assed transition from "Party" to "Invasion" that I've ever seen. Your exposition sucks, and no reader will know what the hell is going on. Transition: 0/10

I thought they were going to fight. Why are they all greeting Ally in the room when Pinkie finds her? Speaking of, why are they getting chummy with some random pony when their town is getting attacked and destroyed just outside?

The rest of the story is just an absurd mess of bad punctuation and idiotic plotholes. I can't bear to describe how horrifically this was written beyond this point. I can say that this isn't a story, because it's not. It looks like something a hyperactive fifth grader scratched down on a sugar rush.

Do they make you read books in the elementary/middle school where you go to? The books you think are really boring and stupid? Well, read them, even if it pains you to no end. If you ever want anyone to recognize you as an author instead of someone who posts literary feces on this site, pay attention to what good writers write. At this point, it's your only course of action.

BTW, do you have a raging boner for Black/Red Mary Sue Alicorn OC's? That's what your OC is, and I already am disgusted by it. Posting that you won't change your OC design in the description of your story shows that you know that this wasn't going to be received well and therefore there are three options to explain why you put your OC in when you knew it would be hated.
1): You are an idiot
2): You think irrationally
3): You are insane

So... which is it?

(I back up my reviews. If you go on a mass-deleting spree of all the reviews you don't like, then this will be coming back.)

Never in my life have I read anything this bad. :facehoof: And I've read my own stories from when I was eight...

The ideas are bad, the grammar and spelling are bad, and it feels like you read through the on-site style guide specifically looking for concept and grammar rules or suggestions to rapaciously violate.

Congratulations, you get five out of five... on a scale from "Okay, this is kinda bad" to "I can't finish this." (I did, but it took me two tries.)
:pinkiesick::pinkiesick::pinkiesick::pinkiesick::pinkiesick:

2961095
I really don't mean to be rude but... I'm younger and I've written better stories :twilightoops:

2961057

I think it's "4) He is a troll," but mostly, I just wanted to say your response is epic. :twilightsmile:

This HAS to be a trollfic.

I... I don't even know where to begin... Dear Odin, what did I just read.

So many alicorns, grammar errors, plot holes big enough to fit an aircraft carrier through, and just... I can't describe it.

Treat this as an experiment and learn from it. This topic is very dangerous and should really be left untouched by all but the most experienced of writers. Put this story on a shelf and quickly forget it exists.

I would recommend going to an author support group and bounce story ideas off of other writers.

2961170
Question, can you go paragraph by paragraph to tell me what I did wrong?

2961170

I would recommend going to an author support group

He already has. I feel like he only did so to advertise his trollfic, but hey, it worked, and he did get some genuine advice as well.

2961176
It's more than just a paragraph-by-paragraph basis. It's really just massive issues with the entire story as a whole. Grammar and punctuation are atrocious.

Twilight and her friends were dancing to a tune spike made on the Flute. Fluttershy was to nervous at first, then decided to dance along with her friends. Applejack danced against Rainbow Dash and they all had fun. Pinkie pie jumped up and down against the books, and then the walls, and then the ceiling. Why was it fun? ask Pinkie Pie! the loud music echoed loudly over the big room. It was so loud that Fluttershy's ears hurt badly. And her ears are never in pain. It was weird because Pinkie Pie's ears never are in pain. "

Okay, your tenses change almost every sentence, you forget to capitalize things, there is no exposition at all, no explanation, no setting, nothing. This is literally just a conglomeration of words pretending to convey a message.

And that's all just in the first block of the story. The whole story follows in the same boat. Though I won't begin to try and analyze the plot, or lack thereof, tonight. I could spend a few hours tearing this apart and explaining what went wrong, but I do not have the time right now.

2961050
Seeing this made me have to read the fic...

2961226\\
It is good believe me.

Since my first epic fanfiction was ripped apart in private (very thoroughly if I do say so myself), then I have no business in doing so with this one in public.

I'm going to give you some advice bro.
1) You really should start writing something short and simple, say... a Slice of Life should do the trick. Something well written. Starting from zero will get you unlimited potential.

2) I don't know if you read books. Given the evidence so far by the rest of the comments who actually took their time to analyze it, it says to me that you don't. And if you do, then you're doing it wrong. Grab a good book that you really like and study the way the author writes. It can help you in more ways than you can imagine.

3) This will sound harsh. But the fandom doesn't take kindly to these types of OC's. You know... black & red Alicorn are like the worst of them. It's been done tons of times and I've never encountered anyone who likes them. I tell you, black/red Alicorn are nearly impossible to be well received in a fic, unless it's a troll fic.

4) This one is by far the most important of all (in my opinion). Don't get discouraged. And if you do, don't let it beat you. Sure, this will hurt. But if you continue working on your craft, I'm sure you can improve greatly. :twilightsmile:

2960966
I do not think that means what you think it means.
Not to be rude, but I would never let a red and black Alicorn on my TARDIS.

I'm sorry.

This is so bad that it HAS to be intentional.

I don't know how old you are or what the hell is going through your mind, but at LEAST run this through Word.

2961230
Sorry, it really wasn't. And not just because it has a red and black Alicorn OC... It's incomprehensible... Too many grammar problems and I can't even find a story in it, things are just happening...

The Ally introduction told me something. "This is stupid." I think you need an editor. And a better moderator. The comments made me laugh, you need to fix your story.


By the way, I think your story is illegal.

Showing your story to TWG gave you the down votes.

2961230
I'm not trying to be mean. I'm only saying that you need to go through and correct your grammar, plan out a story line and give it detail. I have been told many times that my own stories lack detail, particularly my last one (which I think is the one that started this new tangent of, 'why does my story suck' threads on TWG) I'm only telling you what others have told me.

Well that was an experience. Surprising I found it to be hilarious. Like dude I use a similar device of Time Passed but this was an experience in just trying to read this thing. Characterization was something.An example- Twilight loves new information but she probably wouldn't start foaming out the mouth for knowing there was Alicornlandia.

I'm sorry but you can't just put Alicorn and land together. Even with the -ia part added on to show that it was a place, Just no.

Your story went from a near incomprehensible party (why are they celebrating is it Pinkie's birthday or something.) Grammar mistakes everywhere, I'm sorry but combined with your possible age (14) and relative newness to the site but red maned black alicorns are nearly despised. I surprisingly am fine with that earth pony magic stuff since there could be multiple branches of earth pony magic. (Geomancy and necromancy as two off the top of my head.)

We do not like mary sues here and your OC is kinda a mary sue.

I didn't downvote but I didn't upvote either. :You need an editor. And learn how to set up a scene. I love Alicorn OCs (I have like six) so I see the want to write about it but this needs polish. Hope this quick review helped. :twilightblush:

This made me laugh. Unironically.

2961121
When I was in pre-school, we got our teacher to write down a story we dictated. Three 6-year-olds cross-dictating a story over 15 minutes had approximately the same result as this masterpiece. It was about Teletubbies fighting a new world war against WC-Duck. I wish I still had it...

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