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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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hmmmm... way to fast paced. lacks MANY MANY details and lacks...a bit more backstory aswell asplot point. i mean it's like someone working of a quick idea with noone to help them.
it's good for a first attempt but have someone with abit more experiance help you. the idea is solid. many HIE stories are great but this one seems generic. plain. and bland....kind of like store brand flat soda.
a bit fast paced, with very little detail, your basically telling us the story rather than showing it
also becoming instant friends with the primary protagonists of MLP, especially if its done in a single chapter is overdone
2802950 However much I agree it is fast paced, I must also say that making friends with half or all of the main 6 in one chapter does sound like them, I mean they live in a world where, for the most part, it's very easy to make friends and everyone is very nice and kind.
2803410 that's true but some of encounters could have been expanded on quite a bit. atleast there are still plenty of townsponies he can meet
The interview for the job felt more like he was signing up for training rather than an actual interview
the only other thing that I felt was off was their enthusiasm as to how Ponyville was the best place in Equestria, that boasting felt rather out of character for Fluttershy, Rainbow i sort of would expect to say that though and I would expect a government official of the town, a tour guide, or pinkie pie to say something like that
Ultra classical and boring BiE story, nothing new or original Inside.
The MC has a crappy life, he goes to Equestria, became a pony, find a fuck-buddie, end of story.
The MC is bland, he don't care about anything happening to him, he don't display any emotions about being in a whole new world, in a new body and without anything. It's really convenient that he have a shitty life, so there is no emotionnal struggle about the fact that he's never going to see his familly or friends anymore ( because he have none or they are jerk ).
The story is really fast paced, you summarize too many things and don't describe what is happening enough.
As for the whole Brony nonsense :
Being a Brony remove a lot of interractions and character construction from the story, because the MC " Know " everything. He didn't have to observe or interract with the ponies, because he already know their personnality and lives.
There is no sentiment of awe from him, being a Brony mean he's not surprised by talking mythical creatures. There's no discovery of a whole new culture of talking ponies, because he already " know " that culture.
And as I said, being a Brony add a whole level of creepy in the story. How are YOU going to react to an alien landing in your backyard, and telling you that you're in a show for their children and that he know everything about you ? I know I'm not going to be ok with this.
Add the fact that for the MC, they are all FICTIONNAL ! Yes the show make us laugh, BUT everything bad happening to the ponies are plot device of scenarist.
AJ parents are dead because the aliens have decided that she need to be an orphan for the story. It's really creepy to learn that somewhere, an alien race has modeled your entire life, and that you're not even aware of it.
Where is the limit of the fiction ?
2840844
dude... go to eat a snickers
Just ignore FicusCat. He is one of the douchebags on here. This is a really good story and you should continue it.
2840844 Also, when will you learn to shutup. NOT ALL MCs ARE FAKE. How do you know without a shadow of doubt that one or more of these aren't based off the author.
Loved the chapter, but...
I'm having my suspicions about Blaze...
*creepy tune plays*
As a side note, if it seemed like I was being mean just now I apologize. I was merely being my normal unusual self.
I am too excited right now! Can't wait for the next chapter! Keep up the good work! Until next time! TTFN! Ta ta for now!
You know a person is excited when all they use is exclamation points.
2840844
Look mate, if you don't like reading Human in Equestria fanfics, then don't!
THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!
AWESOME chapter! Nice job!
Ohhh. Looks like we got a like-like up in here!
Hey, bro, thanks for another great and hilarious chapter!
Yay! Awesome chapter, bro! I really liked the comedy and the romance. It was hilarious how stupid Spark and Blaze acted. Then again when are they not funny.
shit is about to go down town
That detailed paragraph of Bright Light sounds like Spit Fire with the blue uniform from the wonder bolts academy.
Ha this reminded me of my first date but unstead of a lake it was a buckect of ice weird
Well today i learned a few colorful words. Now to test them out.
... WOW......
!!!
Wow you just used all the curses in the nglish dictionary except for jackass
I spy with my little eye... a love triangle forming!!
2840844
One word "Multiverse"
Now fuck off
3436930
You got your muzzle fractured whilst clearing clouds causing you to have to take some pain meds that caused you to fall asleep mid flight and you fell into a bucket of water?
The thing with Pinkie and how she just made out with Spark just like that is that
it fits her random but direct personality. Good job
hummmm
hummmm a ok setup chapter
Think I like Spark the best, but instead would go after Dash. I really like your story and enjoy the hilarious characters. Keep it up.
mmmmm
hummmm
hummmm nice
hummmm
hummmm i see a plot hear in this chapter
hummmm
lol nice chapter
lol nice chapter
nice chapter
"Why do you have to curse every sentence?" I asked.
"Because fuck you that's why!" Spark said.
"He's from New Jersey." Blaze said.
"Well that explains it." I said.
I find that highly rude to us jersey people
What the fuck?!?!?!? I have one thing to say.....
Go get some dude yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3749139 Yeah, sorry about that. Didn't mean to offend anyone.
a good slice of life chapter
hummmm
now is 10 seakens or 20 because she got the tranie
hummmm
I had Green Day playing while reading this chapter, and it just so happened to play that song (Wake Me up When September Ends) while I read the drunk singing part.
hummmm
2840844
god, someone with sense
2840858 2870798 3712921 Aaaaaaaaand, you guys are what's wrong with most fanfiction authors nowadays. Somebody gives him some literal good advice and children like you fangasming over 'another typical BiE' fill him with the sense that there's nothing wrong with the story.
As we can tell, 3750073 has completely ignored the advice 2840844 was trying to give, advice that could have helped him down the line (even if the grammar killed me), because you guys said he was 'just hating'. I could be one of the douchebags that you so readily lumped Ficus in with, but I won't, because I know better. My words are going to be wasted on deaf ears.
As for the author, if you ever want to improve, then you need to take Ficus' advice and actually try to add some depth to your story/characters and move on from the BiE wish-fulfillment.
3757164 Well, uh, sorry I guess. I did take FiscusCat's advice and tried to the best of my ability to apply it, but like I said, this is my first fanfic and I don't have that much experience with this sort of thing. I went back and added a lot more detail and the back story is better than it was. And It's kind of supposed to be a fun and simple HiE story for other people to enjoy, not like an incredible life changing story. I'm not trying to sound mad or anything, I appreciate you not being a dick about it and I really appreciate the feedback. I'll try to apply it, no matter how terribly I do so.
mmmm
