• Member Since 26th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 17th, 2019

Silentpegasus


An aspiring writer that loves the fandom and it's works

T
Source

A Blacksmith with a past shrouded in mystery has lived in Ponyville for almost three weeks. At first he din't want much else than to work his craft, until he met a certain Apple farmer. What will happen when the two worlds collide?


Hey, every-pony I' taking a new direction with this fic. Hopefully it comes out right.

Chapters (11)
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Comments ( 104 )

This looks like it's going to be a good story. I eagerly await the next chapter.:twilightsmile:

1696302 Thakns for the support. :twilightsmile:

I'm going to give a few bits of criticism here.

Firstly, that exposition at the beginning. Rather dull open that doesn't catch the reader's attention well. Thread the exposition through the chapter and make it more natural. I.E., instead of just dumping his description right there in the first paragraph, have a sentence like, "*DIALOGUE*, he said, running his hoof through his black mane."

Secondly, I noticed this pop up a few times: You keep doing dialogue tags wrong. If you have a tag like "he said" or "Applejack added" you need to end the dialgoue with a comma and not a period. If there's an action tag, like "He nodded and continued working" you can use a period.

Third: "Ah" instead of "I". Most people find this grating. It's a cliche.

Fourth, that whole date thing seemed pretty rushed.

Also there's no apostrophe in "Sweet Apple Acres".


Hope this helps you. :twilightsheepish:

1696487 Thanks I'll make the changes, I ment no offense when I used 'Ah' instead of 'I'. I know it's kinda rushed but I'm planning on stretching it out in the future.

1696631 "Ah" is really more of a personal quibble. I know there's some who prefer it and some who dislike it. I just fall into the latter category.

good story so far, keep up the good work :twilightsmile:

Sky

Who is this Sky?

I like the story so far just a couple of things:

"Preaching to the converted"?
It's preaching to the choir.

I feel like his name came up way too much during dialogue.

A few grammar mistakes. Not enough to make it unreadable but enough to take me out of the story.

Also a little more exposition on Steel would be nice. He feels kind of bland. Like-able, but bland.

And the "Ah", "I" thing, personally, I like it.

Looking forward to more from you!

1697081 Thank you and Preaching to the converted is an expression, just not as well known as the choir. and I will admit that my Grammar is not the best and I'm working on improving it. Don't worry I fully intend to dive into Steels past and bring certain questions to light.

1696212 Regidar! We meet again!

1697963

Then you haven't met the lax brony :moustache:

Just one thing.
ā€œIā€™d love to stay and chat AJ, but I need to get back to work. Maybe this afternoon? Around 4:30 PM?ā€
something's missing.

Good job I do like the story very much:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Keep up the good work.:twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

I like it. I don't read to search for mistakes, I also like how you made Steel avoid the question about his father. Well played foreshadowing.

So can't wait to read more. Keep 'em coming, bro.

1698756
Is that a threat?:moustache:

YAY for the dr who reference you are awesome

1702872 I should really start watching Dr. Who. Everyone I know talks about it.

1704458 yea i started watching it because of ponies i wish icould find the earlier episodes from 2005 though

1704920Very true I enjoy the classics But doctors 9-10 were pretty awesome.

Boy, that escalated quickly!

Boy, that escalated quickly...So, yeah, pretty much what Scootz said.

That was cute
Buuuuuut
Them not even being on a date and then that sudden kiss and then AJ sobbing?
It just seems rushed and the feelings between them shallow.
And that weapon question seem out of place.

Lucky bastard getting AJ all to himself.:ajsmug:
Me::fluttercry: Whatevs, I'll just pretend I'm him!:pinkiecrazy:

1708077 The weapon question will come into play. and sorry about the rushing, I'm new to romance stories.

Bit of an emotional guy, don'tcha think?
Or maybe I'm just a stone hearted soul with no sympathy for others.:pinkiehappy:

1708919 Thats what I'm going for.

i like this guy, i wonder how the demonstration is going to go

Looking forward to more. :twilightsmile:

1708698 It's okay, I like it, the story is building. When this is over I'm going to be sad. :fluttercry: but until then, I'll read on, despite the quality at times.

I'm excited!!:pinkiehappy:

if you think that punch was anything think about what mac will do to the stallion that applebloom falls for

Calling it! Steel's mother was killed by a weapon that HE made.
Of course, I could be wrong. I've been wrong before.:twilightblush:

I think the only 2 things I hate about doctor who is rose and the 9th doc being a bit too south londony to be a beleiveble time lord

1714746 Very true, the Tenth Doctor is the best in my opinion.

??? you said he'd been dating AJ for 9 months then you said the thing in canterlot happened 3 months ago:rainbowhuh:

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