- Member Since 19th May, 2013
- offline last seen Sep 14th, 2017
Darkryt Orbinautz
Still slowly trying to disentangle from MLP. It is ... slow going.
Darkryt Orbinautz
Joined 19th May, 2013 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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Darkryt Orbinautz · 141k words · 57 33 · 1.6k views
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Wow I like
Thank you!
Could you go into more description? What element is it that makes you say "Wow!"? I like knowing how my stories 'work', if you will.
Wow me likey
this is a story which I like the premise of. the execution whilst flawed still is enjoyable. of course I suck at writing myself so I can't really give you any advice or anything else like that. I will read through this story and see if the rest of it warrents a cublins stamp of approval®
3093077
It's been a week since this comment was posted.
Well, does it earn a Cublins stamp of approval?
From start to finish, I honestly couldn't stop reading this. There were parts where things got a bit iffy, but they could've been much worse I felt. All in all, it was pretty good. Glad I stuck with it, despite the rather...odd theme
3713967
How could they have been worse?
Buck you, Rarity... Rainbow was crying...
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One thing I meant to portray that might not have came across as well as it could have was that Rainbow Dash, despite what she tells Rarity, is still just as well and truly addicted as Rarity is.
You know, if that makes you feel better.
This is beyond epic... so far beyond epic I don't know what to call it.
Oh don't worry about my tastes they were satisfied beyond what I could have ever expected. I really enjoyed this chapter.
another Excellent chapter my friend, you are a rather well spoken writer in my eyes, I could almost say that your inspiration is greater than mine.
the Latin I could easily get, I know this from seeing that Rarity, being the Lacmagistra Imperatrix,the producer and leader, and Rainbow Dash being her lacmancipium, the one who feeds off of Rarity, and with Rarity being the Lacmagistra Imperatrix, she is the leader of the group and has total control over the vines at the entrance of the cave and all within. the same relation runs now between Fluttershy and Twilight, Fluttershy being the Lacmagistra and Twilight the Lacmancipium. The work on this chapter is very detailed and such detail must be excruciatingly painful to fit in.
It was odd but I liked it, it was also... arousing at times, these are the things that make me want to spice up my love life, I imagine them, I learn from these types of fics so that I could have new ways to have a great first time in bed with my girlfriend, but that's only part of the reason I even read clop fics, I also read them to enjoy them, hell if the pipe slime was real and someone that was infected came up to me and infected me, I would just accept my fate.
I found it a fantastic read from start to finish. I actually read the prequel first and then this straight after. Took me a while but definetly worth it. Great job
This is a great fun story
hm?
337 Views, 25 Dislikes
media.tumblr.com/7641b9a36be1ede18f3b57f13b5eef9d/tumblr_inline_n7ot4eLWz51rjhpni.gif
This deserves SO MUCH BETTER
The subject of abuse is handled clumsily here, and it really sticks out since it's played for drama. It's never shown what Fluttershy, Shining Armor, and Twilight Sparkle think an abusive relationship really is, but it comes across like they have a narrow and overly credulous concept of it. There seems to be a lack of mental inertia both ways: they're quick to decide that Rarity is an abuser, then quick to exonerate her.
It's hard to believe that Twilight and Shining aren't more skeptical here. Abuse victims sometimes bond with their abuser and want to get back together. They're often hesitant to call their situation "abuse." Sometimes they believe it's their responsibility to fix things.
This has unfortunate implications that you probably weren't intending, because "You're the real bully" is an arguing tactic that arises in real life.
I liked the mind control, goo, and tentacles though.
I need brain bleach
And to high five the writer
And hive mind? Genius!
You know, reading about so much milk really awakens a desire for Cocoa Puffs in me.
Curse this sweet talking about milk!
Well time for a review isn't it?
Man I hate doing that, especially with stories like this one, where I could try to express a lot, and waste tons of time to word it accurately.
Lets dive deep.
While it was a good read, funny and also shocking at times, as the whole domination fetish is disturbing more or less, I reeeally felt it was a bit drawn out.
It took a bit too long for the story to reach it's peak in the cave, also it is a sin of yours to include the fine description of breast sucking and resulting arousal with liquid relieve from their vagoos in earlier chapters and in the end, but cut said enjoyable details in between the later chapters.
A lot of times, it's just that they leave the room, and come back into the scene after an indefinite amount of time, with no further detailed explanation what exactly happened between them, only a vague reference they did something fun. You may say you did it because the whole lactation intercourse becomes redundant after describing it a few times, except if you have something genuinely new to add, but as a clop story, I would expect the clop to be described in detail, no matter who does something with another. I am missing valuable clop and intercourse scenes here.
Furthermore, except for the times with Rarity and Dash in the shower and the final confrontation wit the goo monster, plus the last sentence, there is much too few scenes that picture the girls, releasing fluids from their "lower parts". If they get filled up with a drug enhanced milk, that also acts as a strong aphrodisiac, which obviously raises sensitivity of nerves in the bodies over the limit, why would they not leak more around their lower female parts more often? Or why do they not reach a sexual climax more often in general? They get fed with fluids, lots of liquid, that combined with their extreme arousal should always result in squirting when they reach the peak if you ask me.
I get though, that you wanted to focus on the upper parts, breasts and mouth, leaking fluids as a sign for sexual intercourse, but honestly the more I read those damn scenes, where they indulged into the feeding process, the more I asked myself: "Dammit! When will they take off their panties already and start pleasuring themselves, or each other, down there". In other words I found those breast feeding sessions, mentioning the high stimulation and sensitivity over and over again, unbearably teasing, considering that their fixation of arousal, never shifted down to their reproductive organs, except for the one shower scene with RD and Rarity, the final goo tentacle scene, and right here at the end.
I was disgrunted more times then one, because of this.
Just to give you one example, after Rarity pumped her juices and milk so ferociously into Applejack, when she tried to escape during the night, I expected AJ, considering the amount she was given at once, really to quiver with uncontrollable tension in her groin, making her eventually release some streams of liquid from her vag, maybe even possibly relieve herself from urinal needs as well in the mix.
If the girl swallowed such a strong aphrodisiac in so many gallons of milk, it should be easy for due to her resulting sensitivity to 'cum' quite eagerly, if only to extract some of the recently swallowed liquids again.
Yet, you never ever hear about Twi, or AJ, or Pinkie in the shower with RD, or Fluttershy dripping something fierce with glee from their lower region.
And even if it is described on some occasions, we only get a plain presentation, no further juicy details from the build up, to the undoubtedly overwhelming climax.
Again an example, bare with me since I am not a good clop writer:
That was pretty simple for my tastes, a bit too simple.
So, why not describe it more in detail, like this:
This is something I have been missing, not only in the end, but in a lot of others scenes as well.
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Anyway, as I already said before the story could have cut down on some events, inner conflicts and dialogues while providing more clop scenes, with just a bit more fixation on vaginal relieve, since it did feel a bit dragging or slouching at times.
Otherwise, good job.
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... "tonnes"?
Anyways, I agree with your assessment. When writing a story like this, one has to be careful to balance sex scenes (as well as the detail on those sex scenes) verses plot progression and character.
And you are correct, of course, about it never really shifting down to the "reproductive organs." As much as I manged to write about the suckling, milk, and tentacles, whenever I try to bring the focus to anything below the waist, I start to feel really uncomfortable. So I end up glossing over it or skipping it. Milk is fine. Tentacles are fine. Groping is fine. But anything to do with ... "relief" down there starts to make my skin crawl. Even reading your tiny paragraph made me wince.
So, yeah. I write clop, and can't bring myself to write orgasms in detail.
4741888 ...
So tentacles groping gallons of milk out of inflated breasts, milk that was feed into them by each other, Is fine... But pussy juices gives you the jeepers?
...
...
Besides, I didn't mean, as you may be able to tell from my example in the last comments, that you'd have to describe explicitly how that stuff shoots out in ounces or how it cascades down like the Niagara Falls from their entrance. I'm not pronouncing the need to make this a love juice feast where it gets splashed and sprayed everywhere, what I want to point out is the general fact that they rarely reach their sexual peak in those sessions, which of course includes an orgasm and seeing how they are so full with milk, they should leak liquids down there pretty easily. Even if you don't want to write about "convulsing walls" and stuff, you should have at least made it clear that they have to 'relieve' themselves during the end of their breastfeeding sessions.
It would have been enough if something as this,
had been mentioned more often.
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To answer your question;
Yes. That is exactly right.
For your criticism: thank you for clarifying. I think that I can perhaps "make it a little a clearer that they need to relieve themselves" in future exploits.
Damn, this is some grade A smut right here...
To be honest I'm kind of disappointed that she hasn't forcefully breastfed anyone. I was seriously hoping for her to go on a breastfeeding rampage but nope nope just relationship problems. ...... ehh whatever I'll continue reading.