- Member Since 3rd May, 2014
- offline last seen May 9th, 2019
Derpator
Near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground.
Derpator
Joined 3rd May, 2014 ·
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Okay, so I'm literally the 20th guy to upvote this and still managed to be the first to comment? You guys suck.
i agree. if your gonna upvote a story, i always felt you should leave a nice little comment. and if you downvote it, then you better leave a decent reason why.
I guess I'll just follow up on what everyone else here is saying and say that this story is coming along quite well. I'll be looking forward to reading the next chapter soon.
That intro is one of the most epic things I've ever read
Overreaction much?
This prologue was pretty sad. I saw the tags, then the description and thought, "I must read this!" Usually the "Sex" tag has a "Humor" tag along with it, especially with that description. This however is different and intriguing.
I think you mean "buy".
"got"
What is really sad is knowing that this whole thing is all just a dream of Twilight's; that she will wake up, freshly heartbroken to know none of her friends are there. Though, Rainbow did assault a princess. I take it she was married to Soarin', in the first chapter you mentioned she was a loyal wife.
2817588
But so far, every funny chapter just has me thinking, "This is Twilight remembering back on the fun and intrusive times she has had with her friends, never to be revisited again but in dreams and memories." Even though the chapter itself is funny, I am still left mildly depressed.
2817620
I await the next chapters, they are funny, I will admit. Though Twilight watching Rainbow getting railed was rather creepy. She apparently doesn't know how to rub one out either.
2817651
I do now know who "drift0r" is. Any ETA on the next chapter? You make it sound as if you are very prepared in your update schedule.
2817679
That is a pretty hard schedule to keep. I am guessing each chapter will be around 4k words, but that is just speculation.
I think there's a bit too much going on here at the end. She's blacking out and she has this whole thing where she thinks about her actions, feels ashamed, thinks about RD's response (Overkill there) and realizes she can't really blame her for it. It's...just too much thinking and stuff for a person who is blacking out.
That said, this story is going good, though I feel like this is going to too sad for me later on.
Ok, so my impression:
The first half is some pseudo-intelectual rambling. It's not badly written, but it doesn't have any impressive or deep insights. Maybe it's motivated by personal expierence, but it's written so impersonal that the emotional impact is lost.
The second part is a load of backstory that might have made for an interesting and emotional (though not really new) story. But instead we get an exposition dump. Spreading it out would have served better.
The melancholic tone is pretty well done, though the writing is too pretentious for my taste.
Finally, the mood whiplash between story and description. I dunno if the first chapter has the same tone as the prologue, but if so there's a serious misrepresentation.
Cheers
Oh my Luna that prologue. It made my heart ache. Glad chapter one was there for some relief from the epic amount of feels. Good fic so far. Adding it to the Clop folder in Twilight's library
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE, YOU STUPID BITCH!"
I choked on my juice and spent an hour laughing!
this is so sad. i can't stop crying unmanly tears
I've got one minor correction: It's Daring Do, not Daring Doo
Rainbow calls her best friend a bitch and punches her in the face as hard as she can?
Really?
This sounded like a good writing decision to you?
This sounded funny to you?
This sounded in-character to you?
I was digging this story until then, I really was, and I was willing to overlook the way-too-casual potty-mouth in dialogue in the earlier parts of the chapter and explore a good heat-fic, but those last two paragraphs were just.....awful.
And no, 'heat of the moment' is not an excuse. It was out of character, needlessly cruel, and....just plain bad, as a writing decision. Please consider rewriting this bit. If you somehow just NEED to end the chapter with Twilight concussed and blacked out, have her freak and try to fly away and slam face-first into the windowsill or something, but ANYTHING would be better than what you have there now.
Seriously you have a pretty decent story going here, don't let out-of-character behavior ruin it.
--CG
Well the fact that this kind of story even had a prologue was enough to have a taste immediately rather than later
That's certainly a way to open the story
YOUR CHARACTERIZATION IS BAD
AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!
No, seriously, learn to write a goddamn character even within a mile of how they're portrayed. This is straight-up some of the most heinously bad fiction I have seen in 2013. I sincerely hope you either revoke submission or do a total rewrite. The prologue was pointless and the end of Chapter 1 was just... You're inexcusable. Not it. YOU. You, the author, are inexcusable.
If this even remotely seemed like a good decision, I think you need to re-evaluate your life choices and maybe rip the circuit layout from out of your keyboard.
2824211
There's more ways to find fics than the 'new stories' bar. I was specifically browsing the clopfic tag. yours is currently at the bottom of page 2 when sorting by newest first.
As for the rest of your reply, the apparent fact that you don't care about the quality of your own writing is a real shame. Because it's not a question of hating. That's reasonable: some people will always hate everything, and as long as it has some fans, that's OK. The problem isn't that some people like your fic and some hate it, it's that you're apparently content with a mediocre-to-bad product "as long as some people enjoy it." A good writer should WANT to improve and be accepting of criticism. To say you don't give a fuck about 'haters' who are trying to tell you with blunt honesty that your story has problems that need fixing tells me that you don't want to improve your craft and be a better writer.
And that's a real shame.
--CG
Can't say that ending made sense, nor did the prologue but everything in between was not so bad. A fave and follow, but no upvote until I see more.
2824304
I get what you mean, but that's a very defeatist attitude. I'm sure you've heard the saying: "There is nothing new under the sun."
Of course cool premises have been done already, but that doesn't mean you can't take one of them and see if you can spin them into something new!
If you're struggling with characterization and plotting, then take a break from writing fanfiction and do thinking and writing exercises that focus on those two areas. Write little what ifs: like, for example, make up one scenario, and write how each character would react to it. How would Rainbow Dash react to, say, winning the lottery? Who would she tell, if she tells anyone? She would brag, no? Would she celebrate? How? Now, what would Fluttershy do? Would she keep the news to herself? Would she decide to use the money to open a rehabilitation center for woodland creatures? Would she let her wild side out and go on a shopping spree, starting with little things like a new bed for Angel, and winding up buying huge acres of land for naive projects? Or what? What about Twilight Sparkle? Would she buy tons of books? Invest in something? Save it in a bank account? Would she tell all her friends or just quietly manage the money? And so on with other characters!
How about dialogues? Let's say that a character has to tell a sick pony that they are, say, dying of a terrible magical plague without cure. What would Princess Celestia say? What about Princess Luna? Shining Armor? What would Pinkie Pie say? They don't all speak the same. Would they cry in front of the pony? Choke up? Be stoic but then break down in private? Decide to defy fate and search for a cure? Quietly make sure the pony's family is taken care of financially? Would they bring them a present to make their last moments happier?
Do little things like that and try to find the voice of each character.
Now, as for plots, forget about what has been done or not. Try writing small stories, not ambitious and epic multi-chapters. Challenge yourself to write a complete story under 50 words; a story with a clear premise, a goal; that has a beginning, a middle and an end. Then try the same but with 100 words or less. Then under 200 words; and so on. You'll find which sentences, words, phrasings, styles and other writing constructs and devices are essential to make a story complete and feel worthwhile, and which are just filler to make your word count up or to "dress up" the story to make it seem of more quality.
2825364
*CRASHES THROUGH THE BUCKIN' DOOR!*
I haven't read the fic but I agree with the above poster.
What he said, it's wonderful that you're able to write and offer up your work for our enjoyment and thoughts. You have no idea how far that takes you as a writer. Don't let that inner critic of yours beat your ideas into submission. Really, as you go further along you'll get more than enough criticisms from outsides sources. Don't get yourself fighting a Two-Front war now, that's never good.
And his point about writing little mini stories within the overarching story is simply perfect. For example, you have Twilight in heat. Okay, that's certainly something that's been seen before, but like he said "Nothing new under the sun."
Maybe a chapter can be spent talking about how big important ponies like Luna or Celestia deal with their heats. Perhaps Luna takes time off to train and meditate her body to work off that extra steam. Maybe Celestia dismisses court early and relaxes in a private spa.
maybe the next time you're in the shower or the next time you find yourself in bed and unable to get to sleep, let your imagination conjure up some scenarios for the characters you wish to focus on in this fic.
Conlficts arise!
2848327 Well, that's ridiculous. Fuck those conflicted assholes.
2848338 Bravo to you, sir.
Be warned...when you walk in on someone who's horny and trying to get themselves off.
HA!
Rank oder? And she walked through town? Not sure if the stallions would agree that the oder was "rank".
Though, I am confused, was getting kicked by Rainbow all just part of a dream?
Spike has no idea what is private and what isn't... Though I am not sure what his mental age is at this point, he is able to pop a boner. I would think he would know when something is private or not.
2848428
No. o.o Stahp crying, Twilight. Stahp. STAHP. .... Dammit. ._. *administers tissues and chocolates...*
Ummm... question: Why does this story have the Sad tag vs. the Comedy tag?
Yeah, Twilight got made at Spike but nothing really sad has happened yet. Heck Twilight's ignorance is pretty funny.
Dear god, my feels are on fire. This isn't even funny (don't even say a word Eli). My heart physically hurts and I feel as though I need to go play some game that doesn't involve all of my favorite characters dying...
Oh well, let's push on to the next chapter.
I hate you Eli.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
~Sylpheed and Eli
lol i just tricked my mom we wer gonna watch the Incredibles but i switched the disc with MLP:FIM she is gonna be sooo mad! but i bet her face will be soooooo worth it!
well um *clears throat* MOAR!
I just want to know where Spike plans on going after Twilight threw his ass. Personally I'm pissed at her. Ya she was horny I get it but when she said " I don't want to see your slimy face again!" That made me want to bitch slap her. Now she has two people pissed at her except one of them is most likely not going to come back to her side anytime soon.
2880547 Oh alright if I must. lol
2862470 No one actually gives a fuck.
i know you are adding a story behind the clop, but does it have to be so sad? it hurts my soul just reading how they died.
...where are the updates...?
3217559
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2079-13258062244328.jpg
I understand, though. I had to mark mine as On Hiatus for four months while I got stuff IRL sorted out. Stop being awesome so I can stop being a fan of your work.
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fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/227/b/5/oh_stop_it__you___pinkie_pie_version_by_nrxia-d5b5ul1.png
like-
im guessing next angery makup sex? more new chapters pleaseplease
Interesting story I hope the next chapter comes soon. I cant wait!!!! *WolfGrin*
I hope you have time Spilight Man I will have my interest in this story for that reason.
The only pleasure left to Twilight now... or rather need, not pleasure I guess, is the... stallion. (Haven't read first chapter, only prologue. Must move on!) Came for the clop, stayed for the plot (hehehe).
2817501 never thought of it that way....
Hmm...I don't think Twilight would be all alone... since there's a few other immortal Alicorns that know exactly what it's like to watch all of their friends pass on.
Definitely not what I was expecting from the description. Usually I don't touch the "Twilight is an immortal Alicorn princess and watches all of her friends die" stories with a ten-foot pole. I'll reserve judgement until I read the first chapter at least.
The prologue is well-written, but seems detatched and emotionless, like you're writing an essay rather than expressing the real hurt and pain of loss. It's a whole lot of telling without enough showing.
Still, it's not a bad start... just kind of a melancholic way to start a clop fic.
Hmm...I don't think Twilight would be all alone... since there's a few other immortal Alicorns that know exactly what it's like to watch all of their friends pass on.
Definitely not what I was expecting from the description. Usually I don't touch the "Twilight is an immortal Alicorn princess and watches all of her friends die" stories with a ten-foot pole. I'll reserve judgement until I read the first chapter at least.
The prologue is well-written, but seems detatched and emotionless, like you're writing an essay rather than expressing the real hurt and pain of loss. It's a whole lot of telling without enough showing.
Still, it's not a bad start... just kind of a melancholic way to start a clop fic.