Okay, so I'm literally the 20th guy to upvote this and still managed to be the first to comment? You guys suck.

i agree. if your gonna upvote a story, i always felt you should leave a nice little comment. and if you downvote it, then you better leave a decent reason why.

I guess I'll just follow up on what everyone else here is saying and say that this story is coming along quite well. I'll be looking forward to reading the next chapter soon.

Overreaction much?

At this rate we'll have enough money to by Granny a new hip!

I think you mean "buy".

Twilight even hot a full view of his cock when he pulled it out

"got"

What is really sad is knowing that this whole thing is all just a dream of Twilight's; that she will wake up, freshly heartbroken to know none of her friends are there. Though, Rainbow did assault a princess. I take it she was married to Soarin', in the first chapter you mentioned she was a loyal wife.

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But so far, every funny chapter just has me thinking, "This is Twilight remembering back on the fun and intrusive times she has had with her friends, never to be revisited again but in dreams and memories." Even though the chapter itself is funny, I am still left mildly depressed.

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I await the next chapters, they are funny, I will admit. Though Twilight watching Rainbow getting railed was rather creepy. She apparently doesn't know how to rub one out either.

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I do now know who "drift0r" is. Any ETA on the next chapter? You make it sound as if you are very prepared in your update schedule.

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That is a pretty hard schedule to keep. I am guessing each chapter will be around 4k words, but that is just speculation.

I think there's a bit too much going on here at the end. She's blacking out and she has this whole thing where she thinks about her actions, feels ashamed, thinks about RD's response (Overkill there) and realizes she can't really blame her for it. It's...just too much thinking and stuff for a person who is blacking out.

That said, this story is going good, though I feel like this is going to too sad for me later on.

Oh my Luna that prologue. It made my heart ache. Glad chapter one was there for some relief from the epic amount of feels. Good fic so far. Adding it to the Clop folder in Twilight's library

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE, YOU STUPID BITCH!"
I choked on my juice and spent an hour laughing!

I've got one minor correction: It's Daring Do, not Daring Doo

Rainbow calls her best friend a bitch and punches her in the face as hard as she can?

Really?

This sounded like a good writing decision to you?

This sounded funny to you?

This sounded in-character to you?

I was digging this story until then, I really was, and I was willing to overlook the way-too-casual potty-mouth in dialogue in the earlier parts of the chapter and explore a good heat-fic, but those last two paragraphs were just.....awful.

And no, 'heat of the moment' is not an excuse. It was out of character, needlessly cruel, and....just plain bad, as a writing decision. Please consider rewriting this bit. If you somehow just NEED to end the chapter with Twilight concussed and blacked out, have her freak and try to fly away and slam face-first into the windowsill or something, but ANYTHING would be better than what you have there now.

Seriously you have a pretty decent story going here, don't let out-of-character behavior ruin it.

--CG

YOUR CHARACTERIZATION IS BAD
AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!

No, seriously, learn to write a goddamn character even within a mile of how they're portrayed. This is straight-up some of the most heinously bad fiction I have seen in 2013. I sincerely hope you either revoke submission or do a total rewrite. The prologue was pointless and the end of Chapter 1 was just... You're inexcusable. Not it. YOU. You, the author, are inexcusable.

If this even remotely seemed like a good decision, I think you need to re-evaluate your life choices and maybe rip the circuit layout from out of your keyboard.

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There's more ways to find fics than the 'new stories' bar. I was specifically browsing the clopfic tag. yours is currently at the bottom of page 2 when sorting by newest first.

As for the rest of your reply, the apparent fact that you don't care about the quality of your own writing is a real shame. Because it's not a question of hating. That's reasonable: some people will always hate everything, and as long as it has some fans, that's OK. The problem isn't that some people like your fic and some hate it, it's that you're apparently content with a mediocre-to-bad product "as long as some people enjoy it." A good writer should WANT to improve and be accepting of criticism. To say you don't give a fuck about 'haters' who are trying to tell you with blunt honesty that your story has problems that need fixing tells me that you don't want to improve your craft and be a better writer.

And that's a real shame.

--CG

Can't say that ending made sense, nor did the prologue but everything in between was not so bad. A fave and follow, but no upvote until I see more.

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I get what you mean, but that's a very defeatist attitude. I'm sure you've heard the saying: "There is nothing new under the sun."

Of course cool premises have been done already, but that doesn't mean you can't take one of them and see if you can spin them into something new!

If you're struggling with characterization and plotting, then take a break from writing fanfiction and do thinking and writing exercises that focus on those two areas. Write little what ifs: like, for example, make up one scenario, and write how each character would react to it. How would Rainbow Dash react to, say, winning the lottery? Who would she tell, if she tells anyone? She would brag, no? Would she celebrate? How? Now, what would Fluttershy do? Would she keep the news to herself? Would she decide to use the money to open a rehabilitation center for woodland creatures? Would she let her wild side out and go on a shopping spree, starting with little things like a new bed for Angel, and winding up buying huge acres of land for naive projects? Or what? What about Twilight Sparkle? Would she buy tons of books? Invest in something? Save it in a bank account? Would she tell all her friends or just quietly manage the money? And so on with other characters!

How about dialogues? Let's say that a character has to tell a sick pony that they are, say, dying of a terrible magical plague without cure. What would Princess Celestia say? What about Princess Luna? Shining Armor? What would Pinkie Pie say? They don't all speak the same. Would they cry in front of the pony? Choke up? Be stoic but then break down in private? Decide to defy fate and search for a cure? Quietly make sure the pony's family is taken care of financially? Would they bring them a present to make their last moments happier?

Do little things like that and try to find the voice of each character.

Now, as for plots, forget about what has been done or not. Try writing small stories, not ambitious and epic multi-chapters. Challenge yourself to write a complete story under 50 words; a story with a clear premise, a goal; that has a beginning, a middle and an end. Then try the same but with 100 words or less. Then under 200 words; and so on. You'll find which sentences, words, phrasings, styles and other writing constructs and devices are essential to make a story complete and feel worthwhile, and which are just filler to make your word count up or to "dress up" the story to make it seem of more quality.

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*CRASHES THROUGH THE BUCKIN' DOOR!*

I haven't read the fic but I agree with the above poster.

What he said, it's wonderful that you're able to write and offer up your work for our enjoyment and thoughts. You have no idea how far that takes you as a writer. Don't let that inner critic of yours beat your ideas into submission. Really, as you go further along you'll get more than enough criticisms from outsides sources. Don't get yourself fighting a Two-Front war now, that's never good.

And his point about writing little mini stories within the overarching story is simply perfect. For example, you have Twilight in heat. Okay, that's certainly something that's been seen before, but like he said "Nothing new under the sun."

Maybe a chapter can be spent talking about how big important ponies like Luna or Celestia deal with their heats. Perhaps Luna takes time off to train and meditate her body to work off that extra steam. Maybe Celestia dismisses court early and relaxes in a private spa.

maybe the next time you're in the shower or the next time you find yourself in bed and unable to get to sleep, let your imagination conjure up some scenarios for the characters you wish to focus on in this fic.

lol i just tricked my mom we wer gonna watch the Incredibles but i switched the disc with MLP:FIM she is gonna be sooo mad! but i bet her face will be soooooo worth it!

2862470 No one actually gives a fuck.

2817501 never thought of it that way....

That wasn't bad... could use an edit for spelling. I was even kind of enjoying it, until Rainbow Dash called Twilight a stupid bitch and bucked her in the face.

Some of the reviews were needlessly harsh, but really, in what world would Rainbow actually call one of her best friends a stupid bitch and punch her in the face? Even with Twi getting caught watching Dash and Soarin' getting nasty, it would be awkward to be sure, but nothing to merit that kind of reaction.

Up until then, you were doing a great job with characterization. What I do is think the dialogue I write in the character's voice. If it sounds like something they might say, use it. If not, write it again.

You really aren't off to a bad start here. Don't criticize yourself, because your confidence comes across in your writing. Write like this is the best thing you've ever written, and take the time to proofread it yourself, then get someone to read it for you with a fresh set of eyes. I know how things tend to slip through when you proof it yourself because you know what happens and you start to skim.

Just... don't get discouraged and keep writing. Practice makes perfect.