Sonichu and the Autism that Pierced the Heavens

by Good Christian Ethesto

Top 10 Saddest Anime Endings

Heptagonal crystals the color of curdled milk ran in thick rows from floor to geometrically-perfect ceiling, framing a conference room of a magnificent scale and radiating a light not-unlike a bright white LED that you can find in 6-packs at your local hardware store for reasonable prices, likely in the 'lighting' section as that is where they typically keep lights from personal experience. At the center of this room, the specific dimensions of which I'll leave largely up to interpretation, stood a truly-impressive table, composed of the same crystalline substance as all other things in this strange place.

All things, with one exception: At the far end of the table, a figure sat hunched in a grand throne, its body and dimensions dwarfed by the sheer scale of this place, yet it still managed to give off an imposing aura as it pointed one perfectly-ordinary finger in a silent gesture. Without a word, a trio of massive crystal golems broke themselves off the wall and lumbered their way to the far edge of the chasm where the diaphanous walls were twisted into a literal schism, through which the lumbering creatures found themselves in a comparatively-small and already-heavily-burned pony city.

The City of Canterlope. Ponies ran screaming this way and that, almost all of them already on fire. Their retinas having received a lethal dose of ultra-onion light, long since turning a milky white as onion necrosis took hold. Even now, scraggly hairs grew from the surface of their outer layers, tickling the poor mini-horse's inner eyelids with each ill-fated blink.

Not even a light-year away, but certainly a few hyphen-saturated paragraphs away, our protagonists trekked their way through the dilapidated husk of an over-lit Canterlope. Thankfully, they had their sunglasses on and were, therefore, safe from the oscillating onion-laced death rays radiating from the Sunion. The afore-mentioned fruit hanging overhead like a twig of mistletoe, so close you could almost reach out with your lips and impart a loving and moist kiss on the surface of its topmost layer. Such an act would likely cause many tears to be shed, however. If not from the smell, from the burnt lips, and if not from that, from your secret admirers watching from a concealed alcove, witnessing such a passionate kiss on someone other than themselves. But I digress.

"Where the actual flipping heck did those pickles go?" Pinkie Pie stated the question than I'm sure is on all of your minds right about now.

No one listened to her question, however, as she's not even a unicorn. Rarity posed much the same question a few moments later, "Where the actual darling heck did those not-darling pickles go?" She used her go-to word, as is proper for her character.

Twilight Sparkle, Purple Pony, Princess, Unicorn, Newly-retired librarian, inhabiter of Ponyville, wielder of a multitude of elements of harmony(including but probably not limited to: Magic, Honesty, Friendship, and Kindness), and leader of this group, suddenly stopped. The entire group that had been following closely behind immediately collided with her adequately-cushioned tush, all falling over themselves with an audible sound of bowling pins getting knocked over.

They all stood up, only to see Twilight Sparkle scratching her chin with one hoof-crusted tentacle. "Truly, this is the greatest question of our time." She spent a few moments pondering a world of possibilities before exhaling a sigh of defeat. "Where do pickles go?"

"I don't like pickles," offered Christian Weston Chandler, his domed forehead reflecting light from its sweat-slicked surface like the midday-sun on a lake as he scrunched his eyebrows in simulated anger, showing the faintest facsimile of real human emotion.

"Perhaps hell?" Inputted Sonichu, air as rancid and decaying as the pile of dead babies in Twilight's garage I mentioned several chapters(and several years) ago, streaming unopposed from lungs so caked in a brackish tar that each alveoli of each and every bronchiole should, without question, be condemned as nothing short of a bio hazard, percolated unhindered through the unnatural gaps of teeth that jutted haphazardly from a mouth composed primarily of dead flesh, yellowed with the onset of rot and stiff from rigor mortis, allowing viscous strands of disease-ridden caustic filth to escape the confines of his scab-like tongue, pouring from a dozen cankerous sores, thick with mucous and fresh with the stench of Applejack(whomst he also consumed a few chapters ago).

"Heck if I know!" Blurted Rainbow Dash, her mouth opening and closing.

"What if we were the pickles all along?" Questioned Pinkie Pie, who sure is random today c|x.

"Perhaps we can shed some light on such a quandary," stated a deep voice from across the courtyard our courageous band of heroes found themselves in.

"Pun intended," enlightened a second voice, equally as deep, and if I hadn't specifically told you it was a 'second voice', you likely wouldn't have known the different.

"We know a great many things indeed!" A third voice explained, and by now the whole group was enraptured, their attention drawn to a trio of figures across the courtyard who towered over the burning rubble, carefully crushing ponies under foot as they made their way over towards their targets.

Twilight Sparkle fixed them with a look so intense that it could probably see things. And it did. And she did. "You look familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on it," she said to no one in particular. The cause of this is likely that she doesn't have fingers in this story.

One of the crystal golems approached and put a huge hand to its chesticles, "That's because we golems three are indeed familiar. Look around, dear pony. Look around and know the truth."

Twilight's eyes widened as she instantly absorbed a 180 degree view, her mind taking a few moments to process before she gasped in shock, pushing out air with enough force to cause a piece of burning rubble to fall, crushing a pair of blinded and wounded adolescent ponies that would likely have survived their minor wounds. Would have...

"You're made of onions, aren't you!?" She questions with a single, perfectly-formed interrobang.

Chris practically spat at the mere mention of fruit, then actually did spit a few moments later.

"Onions... Filthy creatures," also spat Rarity, venom squirting from the hollow points of her cobra-esque fangs and getting into Pinkie Pie's eyes. Yeowch! That's gotta hurt!

"More onion than you could possibly fathom," the rightmost golem responded, accusingly pointing a finger at the group, "and twice as much as we could possibly fathom!"

Rainbow Dash flew up and got right in one of the golem's faces, looking like an angry flying horse with rainbow-colored hair. "Oh yeah, and what exactly makes onions so special, huh?"

The golems shared a look and shrugged. "Why don't you ask him yourself," the middle one replied.

"Or are you, perhaps, too chicken," came the left one. "Cheep, cheep, cheep."

"Cheep at me one more time and you'll not live to regret it," threatened Twilight Sparkle. "I have a trained attack lizard that literally eats rocks all day, and I'll sick him on you should you provoke me."

The golem in the middle, the one with the top hat, inspected this so called 'lizard', and cast a dubious look at the purple one. "You mean, that lizard?"

Twilight turned to look, only to see that her attack lizard had long since suffocated, his mouth having been magically sealed, and his nose having been boogerly sealed, preventing oxygen from reaching his brain and resulting in untimely asphyxiation. What a shame. He was a good man. What a terrible way to die.

"Shit," was Twilight's reply as she got to thinking of a new threat.

Sonichu beat her to it, though. "You brick-brained doofuses wouldn't know an onion if one jumped up and bit you on the tip of your fucking dick. So get off my back."

Christian Weston Chandler gasped in shock, pushing out air with enough force to cause a piece of burning rubble to fall, crushing a pair of blinded and wounded adolescent ponies that would likely have survived their minor wounds. Would have... "Sonichu, those are bad words!"

Sonichu easily covered his gaping mouth with one over-sized, absolutely-gargantuan hand, realizing his mistake. "Sorry father."

Christian's face scrunched up, the thick crust of dried sweat scraping away into a dust-like powder as he frowned at his beloved son. "It looks like I'll have to punish you. No milk for one week!"

"Father no!" Sonichu begged, pathetically getting down on his knees and prostrating himself before his strict father.

"I don't want a mouth that filthy anywhere near my bounteous bosom," Christ explained, being both stringent and just at the same time as a good parent should be. "You'll spoil my milk with your spoiled mouth." He went on. The last thing Chris wanted was for his supply to curdle. Then he might start shooting milk duds. Get it? ;)

Twilight Sparkle couldn't explain why, but watching this so called 'homo-sapien' discipline his child was really getting her off, and she started to sweat from both ends. It was either a disease, or some maternal instinct coming to light, or perhaps both. Neither of these options much mattered to her though as she recorded this entire exchange with her ocular discs for later use.

"Father, please. I don't want to drink formula! Formula is for bad children. I am a good children. Just give me a second chance, father." Sonichu continued to beg, his bulbous head striking rhythmically against the pavement to accent his every contemptible exhale.

Chris 'tut-tutted', waving a single, fat-ridden finger as if this abhorrent show would somehow teach his son a lesson. Sonichu lacked the gray matter requires to retain lessons, and as such, this entire diatribe would prove a useless, long-winded excuse to extend a miserably-poor story about something god awful, only adding to its overall-low-quality.

Sonichu's colossal cyclopian eye squeezed itself into a tight ball, exhausting a puddle of tears so salty they made my grandma's cooking look like the great salt lake of Utah, America! "Waaaaaah! Me want milky! Me want milky!" He screeched, rolling in his own snot trail in an electric-hedgehog-type tantrum.

Rarity couldn't help but feel a little heart-broken at the sight. "Aw come on, look how cute he is. Surely we can forgive one mistake and allow him milk," Rarity persuaded, batting her massive eyelashes like a fan, pushing out air with enough force to cause a piece of burning rubble to fall, crushing a pair of blinded and wounded adolescent ponies that would likely have survived their minor wounds. Would have...

"Not my milk!" Christian insisted, sensually feeling his throbbing nips with his obese fingertips. Then he got an idea, an awful idea. Christian Weston Chandler got a wonderful, awful idea. He reached his neck down, clamping his mouth down on his own nipple, and he began to suck.

"Wow man, I didn't know what was possible," stated Rainbow Dash, honestly impressed.

Chris, through the right side of his mouth as he continued suckling, answered. "I always recycle."

Pinkie Pie had long since wandered off, blind as she is. And likely won't be appearing again in this story.

Twilight Sparkle found this incredibly amazing as well, and began producing her own 'milk', if you catch my driftwood.

Rarity could no longer stand to see Sonichu in such a sad state, and sighed. "Alright darling, if it means that much to you... You can have my milk."

Sonichu's eyes immediately lit up, exuding enough radiation to kill all fetuses within a 5 mile radius, as he moved over to Rarity. "Really?" He questioned, weary of traps as any good adventurer is. He made a wisdom save to try to detect any trace of a lie... 8 (with a -4 modifier). No luck.

"Really really," assured Rarity as she lay on her side, revealing not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but six entire pony nips.

"But which one do I choose from?" Sonichu wondered out loud.

"That is for you to decide," Rarity explained, looking at him mysteriously.

"Then I choose, ALL!" Sonichu yelled as he grabbed Rarity's belly with his two massive, absolutely gargantuan sonic hands, contorting her tummy rumpler so he could fit all six teets into her mouth at once. He then began to succcc.

"Wait, no, you can't drink from them all at once!" Rarity gasped, pushing out air with enough force to cause a piece of burning rubble to fall, crushing a pair of blinded and wounded adolescent ponies that would likely have survived their minor wounds. Would have... "If you do that, I'll... On no darling."

With that final utterance, she was sucked dry, her body crinkling like an empty Capri Sun as Sonichu extracted all available milk from her carcass like a chupicabra, but for milk instead of blood. He exhaled in satisfaction and wiped a thin line of milk from his lips. "Aaaaw, not as good as father's, but that really hit the spot."

The golems exchanged glances before turning to leave. "They destroy themselves, we need not even intervene. We can leave them and go off to live our long lives in peace and harmony."

But Sonichu jihad other ideas, and wasn't about to let them leave now that he was all filled up. "Eeeeeeelectriiiiiic STRIIIIIKE!" He shouted, firing a thick stream of lightning with his electrokinesis. With a clap of thunder that deafened a nearby blind pony, turning him into a new age pony Hellen Keller, the lightning lodged itself directly into the back of one of the golems.

"Ugh, lightning.... My one weakness," he managed to utter as he exploded into tiny pieces in a cloud of smoke.

"Whew. Well I'm beat," said Sonichu, satisfied with a job, and an onion golem, well done.

The two remaining golems exchanged horrified looks before the one with the goatee responded. "You just murdered him! That was our brother, and you killed him for no reason. Why would you do that? We're a peaceful people!"

"Hah, save it for the judge!" Chris yelled, his autism long since turned up to 11 as he exercised a power never before seen. He practically teleported, as he grabbed the two remaining golems in his autismokinesis, crushing them together into an onion pancake. "Fruit is icky." With that witty one-liner, the fight was over, and our protagonists were victorious. But at what cost...?

With the guardians of the Sunion defeated in honorable combat, they were met with a large opening at the underside of the gargantuan fruit. Conveniently, a staircase led up to the innards of the massive structure as it floated a couple dozen meters above the ground.

"Hey, that was pretty cool," Rainbow Dash admitted, blushing a bit as she realized once again how amazing Christian was. "Hey, when this is all over, maybe we could go have unprotected sexual intercourse."

Twilight's heart immediately dropped as she heard this. Thankfully she picked it back up. She realized now what these strange feelings were. She wanted to have unprotected sexual intercourse with Chris. He was such a sexy hunk, and a father, and she loved him. And now her one chance at happiness was taken from her by her dumb friend.

Chris frowned at her. "No thanks, I'm not into dudes. I only want a boyfriend-free girlfriend."

Rainbow scrunched up her face like a tissue after I've finished cumming in it. "But, I'm a-" She never finished that thought as a random burst of purple magic caused her head to explode into a fine mist of multicolored-but mostly red- particles.

"Wow, where'd that come from?" Twilight asked, whistling to himself.

Chris shrugged as he looked up at the Sunion, letting out an obnoxious sigh, pushing out air with enough force to cause a piece of burning rubble to fall, crushing Pinkie Pie who would likely have survived her minor wounds. Would have... . "Do I really have to go up all those stairs?" He's right, I should just end the story abruptly here.

Unfortunately for me, Twilight wouldn't have that. Then she'd never get laid. She picked Chris up, allowing him to ride on her back. "Later you can ride me a different way," she exclaimed huskily, partially out of lust and partially because Chris weighed way more than she thought he would.

"Me want ride horsey too!" Sonichu retched, vomiting blood on the corpse of a dead pony before jumping up and landing on her back.

Twilight nearly collapsed, feeling and hearing her spinal column shifting under the bone-crushing strain placed on it, but sheer will-power allowed her fragile endoskeleton to remain mostly intact for the time being. Pure virgin strength coursed through her veins like an army of giant radioactive rubber pants, and she began a long march up the crystalline stairs into the Sunion.

The trip was grueling, taking an agonizing amount of time as the weight was far more than Twilight had ever lifted, and the fact that Sonichu kept pulling her tail certainly didn't help. As she walked, she felt the cartilage in her joints slowly disintegrate from excess heat caused by strain and friction. The skin on her back, normally held taught over muscles and skeletal structure was sloughed from its perch under the over sized ass of Chris. Her vision began to blur as her whole body ached for oxygen, and when she breathed to fulfill this request she received a lung wrought with naught but stink molecules, courtesy of her hideous passengers. A serious lack of air caused spots to form in her vision, her head swimming as serious brain damage set in, her muscles already filled to bursting with ATP, she somehow made it up the top step, setting one foot inside the Sunion's hull before collapsing in a pool of her own blood.

Chris and Sonichu dismounted and headed into the structure.

"Wowee zowee father, look at how big this thing is!" Sonichu yelled, his voice echoing from the spacious interior as he looked around.

As if summoned by this outburst, suddenly the room's occupants became clear, rows upon rows of autistic humans sitting in tiers around the perimeter. And at the head of an outrageously big conference table, which was probably compensating for something, sat perhaps the most autistic human of them all on an immaculate throne of pure onion.

The figure looked up at them with two dead eyes, silently regarding the intruders for a few moments before standing up. "I am Ethesto. I created this place," I said with a sweeping gesture towards the stands, "and these are the audience. A bunch of autistic bronies. You."

"What is this place?" Christian asked, the metaphorical gears in his damaged brain turning agonizingly slowly.

"You said it yourself," I literally replied. "A giant fruit. We are all autistic here, and you've found your way to us, as though guided by fate. Or perhaps not fate. Perhaps it was me."

"You did this?!" He squealed, managing to rub two neurons together.

"Let's kill him father," Sonichu suggested, always thirsty for blood.

"Yes, an excellent idea," I said, "let's end this tripe once and for all."

The audience stirred, clearly not happy with this turn of events, but they had no say in the matter. I have all the power here. Only by not reading can they dictate the outcome of these events, and they would never do that. Otherwise the story would end here without climax.

Chris looked down at his hands, as he began to glow with pure autism. But this was different from before. The autism that glowed on him turned into a spectrum of colors as multiple sets of tiaras and shiny jewelry appeared on his body.

"The elements of harmony! But how! I wrote them all to death!" I yelled.

"The true element was the friendships we built along the way," Chris explained, the magical artifacts having revealed everything.

"That's just autistic enough to make sense," I conceded. The audience looked around in horror, unable to voice their opinions except in the comments. And no one even reads those...

"Blast him father!" Sonichu urged, spurring his own demise.

"I'm gonna do just that! Die evil doer! Be purged in my miiiiighty power. RAAAAAAAGH!" With a mighty roar, Chris let loose a rainbow of pure autism, ending this story.

Comments

[axelsempai]

Remember back before CWC transitioned and had all the world's gays killed in his comic before being gay himself?

i.imgflip.com/12dkf6.jpg

[Regidar]

At long last, the nightmare is over
but will fimfiction really ever be the same? who can say...

[AJ Aficionado]

Featured: 9/4/13 & 2/4/15 :)
Thanks for helping me reach this story's goal of 100 likes.

> 97 likes

[White seal]

You don't have to tell me twice but during the stone age

[Good Christian Ethesto]

10939735
*breaths through nose like a normal person* You aged poorly.

[Good Christian Ethesto]

10941125
Jokes aren't welcome here. This is a serious story about serious topics, and I don't appreciate you making light of it. 😠

[SunTwi06]

10941626 The joke wasn't mean for the story itself but I'll proceed to remove my comments to avoid further issues. I ask that you do the same so it doesn't create any unnecessary conflict.

[Good Christian Ethesto]

10941643
Jokes on you, I like unnecessary conflict. :)