Sonichu and the Autism that Pierced the Heavens

by Good Christian Ethesto

An autism in the hand is worth two in the bush

Christian Weston Chandler, or CWC for short, sat in the chair in his office, leaning back with his chunky legs resting atop his desk. His bulbous torso was (thankfully) covered by his signature red and blue striped polo shirt, stained with sweat and the grease from countless trips to the local fast food restaurants. His eyes were each different colors, one being a gorgeous azure and the other an emerald green, and they were protected by a pair of what could only be described as 'pedophile' glasses which were connected in the back with a string so they don't fall off. These glasses did little to hide the fact that he is kawaii desu as fuck, though. Senpai would be hard-pressed not to notice him. Around his neck on a piece of string hung his trademark Sonichu 'medallion', handcrafted from Crayola model magic and painted with finesse and skill that could rival any of the teenage mutant ninja turtles' namesakes.

Christian let out a long and obnoxious sigh, something he does quite often, as he shifted back into an upright position in his chair. Chris loved being the mayor of CWCville, but it was a lot of work. And by work, I mean playing video games and eating massive amounts of food, all of which he purchases using money leached from the United State's government. Thanks Obama...

"Gee, it sure is boring here. I wonder if my signs attracted any potential gal-pals yet," exclaimed Chris in a homoerotic voice. Contrary to popular belief, Chris is, in fact, straight. He placed signs around town in hopes of finding a boyfriend-free girlfriend, part of his never ending quest for 'china'(vagina). Unfortunately, being a fat, autistic, virgin, man-child meant that not very many girls were interested. Oh yes, before I forget, Christian is also high-functionally autistic, not that that information is relevant to this story in any way.

Then, as soon as I finished describing the basics of Chris' character, the door to his office flung open and in bolted a yellow blur. Chris knew who it was instantly, and he wagged his finger at his son, Sonichu, in a playful and simultaneously reprimanding manner. The yellow, black, and tan electric-hedgehog-type pokemon known as Sonichu slowed to a stop instantly in the middle of the room and gave Chris a bashful smile. He hated upsetting his father, but this was important.

"Now Sonichu," Chris began in a voice reminiscent of someone who enjoys kissing other boys on the lips, "what have I told you about knocking before you come in?"

"But father!" Shouted Sonichu, his oversized, gloved hands flailing around manically, showing just how desperate the situation truly was.

He wasn't able to finish his thought, though, as Chris interrupted him. "Ut-ut, you need to follow the rules just like everyone else, otherwise everything will devolve into chaos." Chris was secretly glad that Sonichu hadn't walked in on him masturbating again. That had happened twice already, and it was pretty embarrassing both times. He pointed towards the door with a cheese-dust-covered finger, prompting some annoyed grumbling from Sonichu as he walked out of the room.

A moment later he walked up and knocked on the wooden door, this time receiving a nod from Chris. Seeing this as an invitation, Sonichu once again rushed into the room, flailing his arms about like a tube man in a mosh pit. Now that Chris wasn't being annoying, Sonichu was able to get right to the point. He opened his mouth, ushering out a stream of bitchy words. "Father, father! Come quick! There's a black homosexual man in town square spreading lies that you're actually gay."

Chris' neanderthal-esque forehead furrowed in anger and his grubby hands grit into angry little fists. "A slanderous negrosexual trying to spread lies about me? I'll show him who's boss!" He said in the whiney voice you should associate with his character by now.

Without a seconds delay, Chris jumped up out of his chair and jogged out of the room with Sonichu in tow. His flabby-man-boobs flopped around under his shirt as he ran, rhythmically bumping him in the chin with meaty smacks. He really aught to watch those things, he could put an eye out! "Oh great, I forgot to wear my man bra today," complained Chris. The funny part is, you think I'm joking about him normally wearing a bra.

Unfortunately, Chris was only able to keep up that pace for a matter of seconds before he tired out and had to resort to a labored walk instead. Eventually the two of them made their way to the town square, which was just across the street from town hall and his office. Once there, he instantly spotted the culprit of today's latest crime. It wasn't hard, as he was literally the only black person in the entire town. Negroes are banned from CWCville.

After taking a few deep breaths, Chris pointed angrily at the negrosexual. "Why are you slandering my good name, you dirty freak? Don't you know homosexuality is a sin?" Suddenly, Christian's eyes widened as he noticed what the negrosexual was wearing. This was no ordinary black man, he was a jerkop! Two words cleverly combined by Chris to describe a police officer who is also a jerk. "What are you doing in my city, jerkop?!"

"Hahaha! Foolish fool," came a voice from behind him. Chris and Sonichu simultaneously turned to see none other than
Mary Lee Walsh, Chris' nemesis and leader of the jerkops. She was a wicked old crone who had made it her life's goal to stop true love wherever she goes. She waved her evil scepter in their direction and sneered. "You'll never find true love!"

"Try to stop me!" Squealed Chris as he got into a battle-ready stance. A dozen more jerkops showed up out of seemingly nowhere, surrounding our protagonists.

"Ha, my father isn't afraid of you, and neither am I! True love always wins," said Sonichu like a bitch.

Unfortunately, they had a lot more to worry about than just Mary Lee Walsh and a few Jerkops as another enemy approached. Chris gasped as the man in the pickle suit walked out of a nearby alleyway. His glorious pickle suit was polished to perfection, allowing it to practically radiate in the sun. Without a word he walked out into the middle of town square with neither fear nor shame, looking regal as fuck as he faced Chris-chan wielding duel pickles.

"The man in the pickle suit teaming up with Mrs. Walsh? I'll just defeat you both then," boasted Chris despite the growing urine stain clearly visible on his pants.

"You'll defeat no one you imposter!" Came yet another voice, this one eerily similar to Chris' own voice. Christian and Sonichu once again turned only to find yet another enemy, Liquid Chris! He's like Chris, but far more handsome, funny, and better with the ladies. "Or should I say Ian Brandon Anderson?"

Chris grit his teeth in rage at being labelled this 'Ian' when he is clearly the one true Christian Weston Chandler! "No you're the imposter! I'm the one true Christian Weston Chandler, born Chris Weston Chandler in Carlottesville Virginia in 1982!"

"You're nothing but a slanderous troll trying to mock my good name," shot back Liquid Chris.

Now Chris was mad. All his enemies had shown up to mock him in his own city? Well he wouldn't put up with it. He put his hands together while getting into a balanced stance. He would defeat them all at once if he had to! "Ahhhhhhh!" He screamed while channeling his power into the pork chops he calls his hands. His palms glowed a brilliant white as the powers of the universe came to him in the form of autistic energon, willing him to strike down his enemies. "Tiiiiiiiiiismmmmm ATTACK!" He finished, pumping his arms forward and releasing the pooled energon in a 'kamehameha' rip off.

His attack came out with even more force than he intended, however, as his massive amounts of autism know no bounds and fueled him with an unfathomable amount of energon, and the whole plaza was engulfed in light. Suddenly the massive ball of autistic energon burst with such cataclysmic force that it incinerated everything within a mile radius. Chris and Sonichu were of course unaffected, though, as they are immune to autism. Instead of being destroyed, they were launched into the sky as the massive discharge of energon tore a hole in the veil between realities, hurling our protagonists through dimensions.

They screamed like little babies the entire time, and for the second time in the last five minutes, Chris wet his pants.

--

Twilight Sparkle and her friends were at the beach. Everybody had matching towels. Somebody went under a dock, and there they saw a rock. It wasn't a rock... It was a rock lobster!

Rock lobster!

Rock lobster!

Suddenly, the midday sky lit up even brighter than usual and all the ponies had to shield their eyes to avoid massive retina damage. After a few moments the light dissipated and they were able to look, only to see a pair of things fall screaming into the lake.

What could it possibly be?

STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT, YA DINGUS!

Comments

[azednew]

>Sides
>Orbit
>Etc etc

[Regidar]

I came
so hard
unfunfunf

[Minalkra]

greece

Shit, dude's got a country on his shirt. Also CWC is soooo 2008.

[thewaffler]

I think this may be one of the funniest stories I've read all week based on this one chapter alone. Also for a fic of this type it was remarkably well written with halfway decent grammar and good formatting and syntax. I miss Chris Chan, but I did help in trolling him I once asked him, if his parents were brother and sister.

Oh and you left out the bit where his dad looks and sounds like Burgess Meredith from the Rocky movies.

I lost it and and laughed for about 5 minutes straight at this part:

"A slanderous negrosexual trying to spread lies about me? I'll show him who's boss!" He said in the whiney voice you should associate with his character by now.

Also I was gonna say something about the one sorta typo I saw:

His bulbous torso was (thankfully) covered by his signature red and blue striped polo shirt, stained with sweat and the greece from countless trips to the local fast food restaurants.

I think it's supposed to be grease, because Greece is a country in Europe that makes Gyros which are greasy, but on second thought your version is funny.

[Ice Star]

STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT, YA DINGUS!

How dare you say that to me.

[LudicrousBot]

After taking a few deep breaths, Chris pointed angrily at the negrosexual.

God grazed my ball sack with infinite speeds. I think this is good.