Christian Weston Chandler uses the might of his autism to pierce the veil between realities. Now he and his son, Sonichu, the electric-hedgehog-type pokemon, find themselves in Equestria where the ponies need their help.
Christian Weston Chandler, literally the worst human to ever exist, uses the might of his autism to pierce the veil between realities. Now he and his son, Sonichu, the electric-hedgehog-type pokemon, find themselves in Equestria facing an enemy the likes of which has never been seen. Can these legendary heroes save our beloved ponies? Read and find out you digital dumbey!
A crossover with autism. Like for Jesus. Favorite for ponies. Dislike/Ignore if you want FIM to be canceled.
If you don't know who/what Christian Weston Chandler and Sonichu are, I envy you, though such knowledge is not required to enjoy this scrumptious story.
Featured: 9/4/13 & 2/4/15 :) Thanks for helping me reach this story's goal of 100 likes.
Christian Weston Chandler, or CWC for short, sat in the chair in his office, leaning back with his chunky legs resting atop his desk. His bulbous torso was (thankfully) covered by his signature red and blue striped polo shirt, stained with sweat and the grease from countless trips to the local fast food restaurants. His eyes were each different colors, one being a gorgeous azure and the other an emerald green, and they were protected by a pair of what could only be described as 'pedophile' glasses which were connected in the back with a string so they don't fall off. These glasses did little to hide the fact that he is kawaii desu as fuck, though. Senpai would be hard-pressed not to notice him. Around his neck on a piece of string hung his trademark Sonichu 'medallion', handcrafted from Crayola model magic and painted with finesse and skill that could rival any of the teenage mutant ninja turtles' namesakes.
Christian let out a long and obnoxious sigh, something he does quite often, as he shifted back into an upright position in his chair. Chris loved being the mayor of CWCville, but it was a lot of work. And by work, I mean playing video games and eating massive amounts of food, all of which he purchases using money leached from the United State's government. Thanks Obama...
"Gee, it sure is boring here. I wonder if my signs attracted any potential gal-pals yet," exclaimed Chris in a homoerotic voice. Contrary to popular belief, Chris is, in fact, straight. He placed signs around town in hopes of finding a boyfriend-free girlfriend, part of his never ending quest for 'china'(vagina). Unfortunately, being a fat, autistic, virgin, man-child meant that not very many girls were interested. Oh yes, before I forget, Christian is also high-functionally autistic, not that that information is relevant to this story in any way.
Then, as soon as I finished describing the basics of Chris' character, the door to his office flung open and in bolted a yellow blur. Chris knew who it was instantly, and he wagged his finger at his son, Sonichu, in a playful and simultaneously reprimanding manner. The yellow, black, and tan electric-hedgehog-type pokemon known as Sonichu slowed to a stop instantly in the middle of the room and gave Chris a bashful smile. He hated upsetting his father, but this was important.
"Now Sonichu," Chris began in a voice reminiscent of someone who enjoys kissing other boys on the lips, "what have I told you about knocking before you come in?"
"But father!" Shouted Sonichu, his oversized, gloved hands flailing around manically, showing just how desperate the situation truly was.
He wasn't able to finish his thought, though, as Chris interrupted him. "Ut-ut, you need to follow the rules just like everyone else, otherwise everything will devolve into chaos." Chris was secretly glad that Sonichu hadn't walked in on him masturbating again. That had happened twice already, and it was pretty embarrassing both times. He pointed towards the door with a cheese-dust-covered finger, prompting some annoyed grumbling from Sonichu as he walked out of the room.
A moment later he walked up and knocked on the wooden door, this time receiving a nod from Chris. Seeing this as an invitation, Sonichu once again rushed into the room, flailing his arms about like a tube man in a mosh pit. Now that Chris wasn't being annoying, Sonichu was able to get right to the point. He opened his mouth, ushering out a stream of bitchy words. "Father, father! Come quick! There's a black homosexual man in town square spreading lies that you're actually gay."
Chris' neanderthal-esque forehead furrowed in anger and his grubby hands grit into angry little fists. "A slanderous negrosexual trying to spread lies about me? I'll show him who's boss!" He said in the whiney voice you should associate with his character by now.
Without a seconds delay, Chris jumped up out of his chair and jogged out of the room with Sonichu in tow. His flabby-man-boobs flopped around under his shirt as he ran, rhythmically bumping him in the chin with meaty smacks. He really aught to watch those things, he could put an eye out! "Oh great, I forgot to wear my man bra today," complained Chris. The funny part is, you think I'm joking about him normally wearing a bra.
Unfortunately, Chris was only able to keep up that pace for a matter of seconds before he tired out and had to resort to a labored walk instead. Eventually the two of them made their way to the town square, which was just across the street from town hall and his office. Once there, he instantly spotted the culprit of today's latest crime. It wasn't hard, as he was literally the only black person in the entire town. Negroes are banned from CWCville.
After taking a few deep breaths, Chris pointed angrily at the negrosexual. "Why are you slandering my good name, you dirty freak? Don't you know homosexuality is a sin?" Suddenly, Christian's eyes widened as he noticed what the negrosexual was wearing. This was no ordinary black man, he was a jerkop! Two words cleverly combined by Chris to describe a police officer who is also a jerk. "What are you doing in my city, jerkop?!"
"Hahaha! Foolish fool," came a voice from behind him. Chris and Sonichu simultaneously turned to see none other than Mary Lee Walsh, Chris' nemesis and leader of the jerkops. She was a wicked old crone who had made it her life's goal to stop true love wherever she goes. She waved her evil scepter in their direction and sneered. "You'll never find true love!"
"Try to stop me!" Squealed Chris as he got into a battle-ready stance. A dozen more jerkops showed up out of seemingly nowhere, surrounding our protagonists.
"Ha, my father isn't afraid of you, and neither am I! True love always wins," said Sonichu like a bitch.
Unfortunately, they had a lot more to worry about than just Mary Lee Walsh and a few Jerkops as another enemy approached. Chris gasped as the man in the pickle suit walked out of a nearby alleyway. His glorious pickle suit was polished to perfection, allowing it to practically radiate in the sun. Without a word he walked out into the middle of town square with neither fear nor shame, looking regal as fuck as he faced Chris-chan wielding duel pickles.
"The man in the pickle suit teaming up with Mrs. Walsh? I'll just defeat you both then," boasted Chris despite the growing urine stain clearly visible on his pants.
"You'll defeat no one you imposter!" Came yet another voice, this one eerily similar to Chris' own voice. Christian and Sonichu once again turned only to find yet another enemy, Liquid Chris! He's like Chris, but far more handsome, funny, and better with the ladies. "Or should I say Ian Brandon Anderson?"
Chris grit his teeth in rage at being labelled this 'Ian' when he is clearly the one true Christian Weston Chandler! "No you're the imposter! I'm the one true Christian Weston Chandler, born Chris Weston Chandler in Carlottesville Virginia in 1982!"
"You're nothing but a slanderous troll trying to mock my good name," shot back Liquid Chris.
Now Chris was mad. All his enemies had shown up to mock him in his own city? Well he wouldn't put up with it. He put his hands together while getting into a balanced stance. He would defeat them all at once if he had to! "Ahhhhhhh!" He screamed while channeling his power into the pork chops he calls his hands. His palms glowed a brilliant white as the powers of the universe came to him in the form of autistic energon, willing him to strike down his enemies. "Tiiiiiiiiiismmmmm ATTACK!" He finished, pumping his arms forward and releasing the pooled energon in a 'kamehameha' rip off.
His attack came out with even more force than he intended, however, as his massive amounts of autism know no bounds and fueled him with an unfathomable amount of energon, and the whole plaza was engulfed in light. Suddenly the massive ball of autistic energon burst with such cataclysmic force that it incinerated everything within a mile radius. Chris and Sonichu were of course unaffected, though, as they are immune to autism. Instead of being destroyed, they were launched into the sky as the massive discharge of energon tore a hole in the veil between realities, hurling our protagonists through dimensions.
They screamed like little babies the entire time, and for the second time in the last five minutes, Chris wet his pants.
--
Twilight Sparkle and her friends were at the beach. Everybody had matching towels. Somebody went under a dock, and there they saw a rock. It wasn't a rock... It was a rock lobster!
Rock lobster!
Rock lobster!
Suddenly, the midday sky lit up even brighter than usual and all the ponies had to shield their eyes to avoid massive retina damage. After a few moments the light dissipated and they were able to look, only to see a pair of things fall screaming into the lake.
It was another normal day in Pony land. The giant magical onion drifted wistfully across the sky on its normal orbital pattern, casting its glorious radiant light down on the carefree ponies below and inadvertently causing skin cancer with its UV rays. However, Twilight Sparkle could care less about magical nuclear onions or UV rays right now, as some things had just plummeted into the nearby lake!
She turned away from the sparkling waters of the lake and shared a look with her friends, all of whom are also ponies. Spike was also there. "Holy guacamole! What was that?!" she swore without even a single interrobang.
Fluttershy gasped in shock, and Rarity put a hoof up to cover her gaping mouth. "Twilight!" scolded Rarity, "you know better than to use such language!"
Twilight blushed. She knew better than to use such language, as Rarity previously stated. "Aw shucks, girls. I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" She kicked a hoof timidly at the ground, half expecting them to all rebuke her and denounce their friendship because she has a stupid brain and a low self esteem.
Rainbow Dash snickered, her dumb face contorting into an even dumber grin. "Like you could get rid of us that easily." The entire group laughed heartily at that joke, before coming together in a group hug, already forgetting all about the objects that plummeted into the lake.
"To celebrate, I cooked us all up a special meal!" butted in Pinkie Pie out of nowhere. Lawl she is so random. She pulled a silver tray out of her tail compartment and waved it around in all her friends' faces.
Applejack took a deep whiff with her big ol' nose, and her mouth instantly began dripping as she salivated a copious amount of brown, viscous saliva. "That sure smells good!" she shouted, surprising everyone. It's not everyday Applejack forms a coherent thought. That in and of itself was cause for celebration.
"It sure does, darling," agreed Rarity, using her favorite word in the whole world. "What is it?"
Pinkie Pie pulled the silver, domed lid away revealing a steaming rock lobster. "I murdered and cooked it while no one was looking," she stated proudly. They all began munching on it, glad to enjoy a hearty meal with friends, when suddenly something crawled its way out of the water.
Sonichu came ashore, dragging Christian with him. Thankfully, Sonichu's absolutely massive, colossal, gargantuan sonic-hands worked perfectly as paddles, and Chris was composed primarily of fat and hot gas so he floated. "Wowee, father. That sure was a sticky situation," said Sonichu because water is sticky and puns are funny.
"I'll say..." replied Chris after a moment. He was breathing heavily despite having done little physical activity of any kind. I suppose using that much autism at once must've taken a lot out of him. "Gee, I'm all tuckered out. I think it's time for a nap."
He was, unfortunately, never able to take that nap as the beach ponies had taken notice of them and were fast approaching. Rainbow flew ahead, quickly coming to a halt near our two protagonists.
"Woah! What are those animals? I've never seen anything like them," she bellowed in ignorance.
"Hey! I'm no animal, I'm a homo sapien, or a 'Human' for short," cried Chris without much gusto.
Rainbow's mouth fell open in surprise. "Hey! this guy's pretty smart. He's an egghead just like you, Twilight," she called back. Twilight Sparkle and her posse approached, quickly taking a gander or two at this 'homo sapien' and his yellow companion. She couldn't help but admire this newcomer.
"Isn't it hard to stand on two legs?" she called out, catching Chris' attention. Thankfully, Chris is very knowledgeable about things involving the brain, as he studied it to learn all about autism.
"Not for an evolved being like myself," he stated matter-of-factly. "Us humans have a segment of our brains that gives us super balance." He demonstrated his balancing skills by doing a couple of karate moves where he kicked and punched at the air. Twilight's eyes widened as she watched him move with grace that would be hard for even a pony to replicate.
"Wow. You're pretty cool," stated Rainbow Dash. "Who are you anyway?"
"Me? I'm Christian Weston Chandler, or CWC for short. You might have heard of me, I'm pretty internet-famous." As an afterthought he decided to introduce his abomination of a son. "And this is my son, Sonichu. He's an electric-hedgehog-type pokemon."
"Salutations," greeted Sonichu like the sniveling creep that he is.
"Sorry, we've never heard of you," admitted Twilight. She couldn't help but be somewhat embarrassed. She prides herself on knowing a great many things, yet she'd never even heard of a creature as graceful and smart as this 'Chris'.
Suddenly Pinkie Pie popped up out of nowhere. LMAO, she's so random! "You want some rock lobster?" She asked, waving the silver tray containing a half-devoured lobster in his face.
"Sorry, but no," he declined. "Seafood gives me horrible gas and you don't want to be around me when I'm gassy."
Everyone in the area laughed as fart jokes are funny. "Smart, cool, and funny?" questioned Rainbow Dash. "You're pretty awesome Chris. Say, where do you live?"
Chris looked around, but unfortunately he didn't see any familiar landmarks that would point him towards his parent's house where he lived. He shrugged with his disgusting shoulders, looking like a total dringus. "I don't know!"
"You should totally come stay with us in Ponyville," offered Rainbow Dash.
"What a marvelous idea," complemented the white pony. "And I can make him some new clothes free of cost for no reason because I'm a pony fashion designer."
"And I apple," stated Applejack.
"ERBHLERGLE!" agreed Pinkie, her mouth filled with partially-chewed lobster. No doubt, after eating all that lobster, her and her friends were going to have some really bad gas. And maybe some INDIGESTION. Or some DIARRHEA.
"That sounds like a great idea," also agreed Twilight, and she'd know a thing or two about great ideas. Spike was about to say something, but then he remembered his place, and kept his filthy mouth shut. "By the way, my name is Twilight Sparkle." Each of the ponies introduced themselves to Chris as they began making their way towards Ponyville without a care in the world.
Little did they know, trouble was brewing, and only the truest of heroes could possibly hope to stop it.
It was getting late in the evening as our group of intrepid protagonists made their way into Ponyville. The sunion shed the last rays of its glorious, life-giving light upon the ponies below as it slowly made its way behind the mountains on the horizon.
Chris was all tuckered out from such a hectic day of performing verbs, and he was more than ready for some beauty sleep. God knows he needs it. The group received some confused stares from the Ponyvillians as they passed by, most of which were directed towards the two metaphorical elephants in the group. Thankfully, the locals were used to all kinds of crazy shit happening, so some disgusting aliens showing up hardly phased them.
As they reached the center of town and the group was getting ready to part ways, they finally realized that they had an unresolved issue that had to be attended to. Twilight, at the front of the party, stopped, causing everyone else to bump into her voluptuous rear before coming to a halt.
"Wait a second," she started, "who is Christian and Sonichu going to stay with?"
"I have plenty of room at my place," stated Rainbow proudly. Like an amateur Minecraft house, the inside of her home was just a big open area with little in the way of decorations. She made it herself, after all, and she has the creativity of a dead cat.
"Your house is made out of sky marshmallows," pointed out Twilight, completely blowing Rainbow's idea out of the water. Only birds could stand on sky marshmallows, and without even a single wing, Chris is a long way from being a bird like Rainbow Dash.
"He can't stay at my house," explained Fluttershy in her default quiet voice. "I already have too many animals staying there. Animal control has already threatened to evict me..."
"I am not an animal!" Squealed Chris with much virgin-rage. "I am a 'homo sapien', or a 'human' for short!" Naturally, Fluttershy shied away like the pathetic bitch that she is. She resolved to simply sneak away when no one was looking, rather than tempt the wrath of an angry autist.
"My home is much too clean," explained Rarity. The others nodded understandingly.
"Rurp. I'm a frog."
"Yeah, nice excuse Applejack... NOT!" joked Rainbow Dash. Everybody laughed, and Applejack hung her head in shame as she walked away.
"He can stay with m-" began Pinkie Pie, only to keel over holding her tummy rumpler with her hooves. "I shouldn't have eaten all that lobster..." Her tummy gurgled in apparent anger, and her eyes widened as she jumped to her hooves. "Ut-oh, gotta go!" With that said she bolted behind a nearby house, no doubt to leave a gift for the stray cats that lived back there. And by a 'gift', I mean 'diarrhea'.
"I warned her," stated Chris smugly.
Twilight sighed. All her friends had good excuses for denying a guest except her. "I guess you can stay at my library house."
"But Twilight!" Whined Spike, who had been there the whole time. "We hardly have any room at our home as it is."
He received a smack across the face from one of Twilight's many tentacle-like limbs, putting him in his place. "You'll speak when spoked to!" she reminded him before turning her attention back to her soon-to-be guests. "We have plenty of room. Follow me and I'll show you."
The other ponies of the group gave their farewells and headed off to their respective abodes while Twilight led the way to her big tree home.
"Wowee father, wood you look at that? That tree is a house and a library! Someone aught to call the copse, that's a fire hazard," joked Sonichu. Nobody laughed.
As soon as they stepped into the building, Chris made his voice known. "Mind if I use the bathroom? I really need to let one go."
"Sure. The bathroom is up the stairs on the left," explained Twilight while stepping into the kitchen with Sonichu in tow. One obliterated bathroom later and the group of them were all seated around the kitchen table, tired from the day's hectic events. Twilight hated to admit it, but spending time with her friends could be a real chore and it often tired her out. She was happy that Chris was at least being quiet, likely due to being tired himself, giving her time to think.
Christian was smart, nice, funny, and good with kids. Maybe having him stay there wouldn't be so bad. Maybe she could even learn a thing or two about friendship from him. Celestio would be more than happy to receive another friendship report, and Twilight always looked for excuses to write to her old mentor. She may have been a princess herself now, but she still looked up to Celestio.
Her thoughts were interrupted as Chris spoke up in his usual, and insanely annoying, voice. "I'm pretty hungry," he not-so-subtly begged for food.
Being the good hostess that she was, Twilight got up from the table and trotted over to the refrigerator. She popped the door open with magic and took a look around inside. She really needed to go grocery shopping. There was little to eat other than a brown paper bag full of meat left over from her daily trip to the local deli. She pulled that out and levitated it over to the table, placing it in front of Chris.
"Eat up," she offered somewhat unhappily. That meat was supposed to be her breakfast...
"Hey, wait a minute. You never told me you had psychokinesis." Chris gave her a suspicious look, wondering if she was perhaps hiding a chaos emerald somewhere on her body as he reached into the bag and began shoveling tiny pork chops into his mouth using his comparatively large, pork-chop-like hands.
"You mean my magic? Every unicorn can do that. That's pretty common knowledge," she explained, happy that her vast stores of knowledge were coming in handy(or 'hoofy', since you weirdos adore horse puns).
"Oh, it's magic? I can do magic too," Chris boasted. Twilight was about to inquire about this, when Sonichu butt in.
"I'm hungry daddy. Feed me."
Chris sighed as he often does, pulling his shirt up and revealing his flabby and repugnant man-boobs, much to Twilight's surprise. Sonichu wasted no time, hopping up onto his lap and planting his mouth around one of Chris' pepperoni-sized nipples. He made a slurping noise as he began suckling the thick milk from within like an ungodly milkshake.
"Fascinating," observed Twilight, her previous quandary already forgotten. "Males of your species have functional nipples?"
"Humans are highly-evolved," bragged Chris as he continued to breast-feed his son.
"And your milk is safe for consumption? Perhaps I could have some," she said before realizing how weird that sounded. "As a sample! Nothing more. I just want to analyze it!"
Chris sighed obnoxiously as though Twilight was asking way too much from him. "I guess you can have some milk- No biting- but you'll owe me," he explained while scolding his nippy son. Giving away his milk was a great loss as he preferred to "recycle" it.
The conversation ended there as Chris and Sonichu stuffed themselves with food. Eventually, though, the food was depleted. While Chris would normally eat at least twice that much, he was far too tired to complain at the moment. Instead, he looked to satisfy his next need. Pushing Sonichu away from himself he hefted his top-heavy body up off the bench. "Alright, so which bed am I sleeping in?"
Twilight was actually just going to offer him some blankets and a pillow and let him sleep in the main room, but apparently he wanted a bed. She didn't want to be rude, but the only guest bed was up in her room, and she'd have to completely take it apart to fit it through the door, which would take forever. She'd only ever had her female friends stay over, so she was a bit nervous about letting a guy share her room. After a moments hesitation, she decided that it didn't matter. It's not like they'd be in the same bed or anything.
"Yeah, I got a guest bed right upstairs." She led the way with her two tired guests following closely behind. They passed Spike, who was busy dusting the library for the third time that day, as they walked up the stairs and into the bedroom. Chris was so tuckered out he didn't even complain that the sheets were purple and assure everyone that he's not gay as he slipped into the guest bed.
Meanwhile, Sonichu walked over to the corner, seeing the great brown owl perched on a wooden pole. "Woah, Dad. An eagle!" he exclaimed in utter excitement.
"Who?" asked Mr. Owl, Twilight's pet.
"I'm Sonichu!" introduced Sonichu.
"Bless you," responded Mr. Owl politely before spreading his wings and flying out a nearby window into the night. With that out of the way, Sonichu walked over to Spike's bed, a wicker basked filled with blankets, and curled up in it. Not wanting to be a bad hostess, Twilight decided to let the little guy stay where he was. Spike could show some hospitality and sleep downstairs. In fact, for all she cared, he could sleep out in the dirt with the camels.
Despite being fairly tired, Twilight flicked out the lights with her magic and went back down the stairs. All this catering to guests really cut in to her study time. No matter, she could simply stay up late to compensate. It wasn't until the wee hours of the morning when she finally crawled into bed and entered the nightmare realm that existed in her dreams.
With everyone asleep, the figure in the darkest corner of the room was finally able to make its move, slinking through the shadows with practiced ease towards its prize...
Skin-scorpions, and thousands of them. They hounded Twilight, their needle-nosed-plier-like claws clacking madly as their many tiny legs cacophonously drummed against the pavement. Twilight's heart was beating faster than a racehorse-cheetah-hybrid, the muscular organ betraying her as her pursuers were able to hone in on the sound of pumping blood like a pack of scientifically-enhanced sharks. She could keep running forever, but the skin-scorpions would never give up. They had already gleaned a taste of her delectable life-fluid, and now hungered for more. One look at the horde's many beady eyes was all it took to see the bloodlust etched within their very souls.
Twilight suddenly skid to a stop, the coarse tips of her tentacle-like legs supplying an ample amount of traction against the asphalt. The scorpions weren’t far behind, and would be upon her in moments, but she didn’t care. She had an epiphany while running: If they wanted her blood, why not give it to them?
Before the marauding, fleshy arthropods could reach her and snip at her ankles, she turned around, rearing up on her back hooves, exposing her soft, rubbable tummy to them. Her six pony nipples were dry and caked with blood. Clearly she needed to take better care of them. She let out a huff as her tummy split open like a scrumptious banana and a geyser of scalding-hot blood and vital goo gushed out as though she held within her some kind of unholy supersoaker. The liquid rained down on the approaching scorpions, their pink and vulnerable flesh sizzling as the heated liquid made contact.
The skin-scorpions screamed and moaned and begged, waving their claws to the heavens, but their gods had forsaken them. Their death cries filled the air as they melted down into a nutritious batter. After depleting her goo reserves, Twilight sank back to her normal, four-legged stance. Her nostrils flared as she smelled something yummy cooking. It smelled just like pancakes! She looked down to see that the scorpions were forming into a collective mass of pancakes. Twilight’s primary digestion-gland roiled in anticipation, prompting her to begin her dark feast. She leaned forward, vacuuming pancakes into her mouth as though they were naught but dust-bunnies. They tasted remarkably like a pillow.
Her eyes shot open and she began coughing, a few stray feathers being ejected from her mouth before she finally got her breathing back under control. She looked around briefly, noting that her pillow was nowhere to be seen, and that she now had a plump, pony belly, making her look 8 months pregnant. She sighed to herself, instantly realizing her mistake.
"SPIKE," she called out, "I ATE MY PILLOW AGAIN!" Thankfully, she has intestines of steel, or this would be a big health concern. After not getting a response from her dragon slave, she grumbled to herself as she flopped out of bed, finally noticing the smell of cooking pancakes. Spike was probably already up and making breakfast as is his duty. Her eyes were next drawn to the clock hanging on the wall a few meters away. Apparently it was already passed noon. It wasn't uncommon for her to sleep in considering her habit of staying up into the early hours of the morning.
Her oversized eyes were next drawn to the bulbous lump that had taken residence in the guest bed. Christian laid there, still asleep despite her yelling, looking like a beached whale. She walked over and pressed one of her forelegs against him, the tip of her leg sinking into his fatty exterior and stirring him awake.
He groaned and rolled over, clearly not wanting to do anything productive with his fleeting life. "What is it?" he mumbled with his idiot lips.
"I'm making pancakes," said Twilight, taking full credit since Spike belongs to her.
It took a lot more prodding, but eventually the promise of food was enough to get Chris off his fat ass. Before long, Sonichu, Chris, and Twilight sat around the kitchen table as Spike served them a veritable mountain of pancakes, topped with enough butter and syrup to give en elephant diabetes. Once food was served, Spike left the room. He wasn't allowed to dine on pony food. All Twilight allowed him to eat were colored rocks.
Despite the pillow no doubt reeking havoc on her sensitive internal organs, Twilight was still starving, and she used her magic to shove pancake after pancake down her open throat tube. On the other side of the table, Chris was doing much the same, however he also had Sonichu hanging from his teat as he scrambled to fit as many pancakes into his mouth as possible.
Many 'schlorching' sounds were made as the pair continued, and any observer would have likely vomited at the disgusting display and lack of manners. Before long all that was left at the table were three very sticky people. During their feast, Sonichu had had an 'accident', and now lay coated in Chris' viscous, almost glue-like milk.
"I'm all sticky daddy," commented Sonichu innocently. Chris was just glad it wasn't semen this time.
"Maybe next time you'll be a little more careful. My milk isn't free, you know? It takes a lot of work to get it just right," boasted Chris like the massive faggot that he is and always will be.
Meanwhile, Twilight rubbed her face with her fore hooves, noting that she was, as Applejack would say, "stickier than a catfish in a tar pit". Applejack says a lot of stupid things. Unfortunately, despite being one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria, she didn't have a spell to get syrup out of hair. She doubted that such a powerful and useful spell even existed. Just goes to show you, not all problems can be solved by magic (I'm looking at you every fanfic writer... What's up with Twilight or Celestia with their deus ex bullshit magic solving all problems like it's nothing? You all make me sick.).
No, the only way she was getting all this syrup out of her fur was with a bath and some shampoo. Maybe even a cameo with her squeaky, yellow ducky because that'd be really cute. She was about to get up and get right on that when she remembered her guests who were equally sticky. "Do you guys want to use the bath to get cleaned up?" she asked.
Chris looked at her as though insulted. "I have a pleasant musk. Besides, I don't like to take a bath every day because it's a waste of water." In truth, Chris hadn't properly bathed in weeks, but he considered his brief dip in the lake the day prior a good enough bath.
Twilight could have easily argued the point, but she was more focused on her desire to get clean at the moment. Having sticky fur was pretty unpleasant. She hopped up off of her stool, landing on the hardwood floor with a 'clop'. She only made it halfway out of the room before she felt a chill. An involuntary shiver ran up her body as she noted an uncomfortable breeze.
"Spike, did you leave the window open? It's cold in here." Spike, who was eating colored rocks from his bowl in the other room, looked up and shook his head.
"It doesn't feel any colder to me."
"Strange," she noted, looking around to confirm that no windows were open.
Chris, wondering what she was going on about, turned from his chair. His eyes instantly fell on something strange below her rump. "Hey, what's that?" he asked, pointing at her backside.
Twilight twisted her long neck around, taking a look to see what he was talking about when her eyes widened in surprise and horror. Her testicles hung down limp behind her like a pair of fuzzy-mirror-dice, completely naked and exposed without a scrotum to cradle them. Her mouth fell open and she yammered incoherently as her mind tried to process what it was seeing. Eventually, her pupils shrunk to pinpricks as she slowly came to terms with what she was seeing.
"MY SCROTUM IS MISSING!"
--
It had been three years since The Onioning, and the sunion- two words cleverly combined to describe an onion sun- floated carelessly over Equestria as it had every day since. Celestio's retinas narrowed as she watched the glowing fruit travel on its orbital pattern across the sky. It may not have done anything harmful yet, but she knew better than to trust it. She continued to watch it suspiciously as it traveled through the heavens at a snail's pace.
She would have watched it for the remainder of the day, had she not been interrupted by one of her many palace guard-slaves. The clippity-clop of his shoe-covered hooves on the marble floor was impossible to ignore as he walked in through the doorway and stood idly, waiting for her to address him.
She sighed, still keeping her eyes on the onion star, before speaking. "I trust this is important. You know I don't like to be disturbed during my daily-sunion-loathing hours."
"Of course, your highness," the guard replied. "A letter arrived from your former student, Princess Twilight Sparkle."
"Bring it here," she said simply, her brow furrowing as the sunion flickered ominously.
The guard-slave walked up, placing the rolled-up letter in her telekinetic field before exiting the room. Celestio glared at the sunion, silently daring it to even try anything, before she briefly looked away to scan through the letter as quickly as possible. She instantly noticed that something was different about this one. Normally these letters were about friendship and magic and other such garbage, but today the news was dire. Apparently, deep in the night someone had snuck into Twilight's tree home and stolen her scrotum right out from under her very nose.
Celestio's mouth fell open in shock and she dropped the letter to the floor. "No, it can't be..." she said in denial. "I dealt with them a thousand years ago. They can't possibly be back!" Unfortunately, as she played the information through her head over and over again, it became clear that there was only one obvious answer: the scroachers were back!
Will Twilight find her missing scrotum? Is this story going to get progressively weirder as it goes on? Will Chris ever tell Twilight that he's pregnant?
Find out next time on Sonichu and the Autism that Pierced the Heavens!
Twilight's exposed ball sack dangled behind her uncomfortably, bumping against her legs and tail with every step. Without a scrotum to keep them in check, her testicles seemed to have a mind of their own. Behind her trailed a panting, and extremely autistic, Chris-chan along with Sonichu and her group of friends. They had all been wound up on short notice and departed the library after Twilight received her response from Celestio.
Apparently Princess Celestio believed that a long-defeated enemy had reemerged: the scroachers. According to her, they were a race of disgusting, horrid creatures that hunted and stole the scrotums of living creatures to wear as trophies. Thankfully, having dealt with scroachers in the past, she knew a spell that would work perfectly for this situation. Inclosed in the letter was a detailed description of a spell that would allow Twilight to track her own scrotum. Casting the spell was no problem for a magical genius like Twilight, the problem was where her scrotum was located. Apparently the scroachers had taken it deep within the Everfree forest...
Twilight continued forward, her friends struggling to keep up with her frantic pace. Despite being deeply afraid of the Everfree, Twilight was even more afraid of having to live the rest of her life scrotumless. She was more than willing to risk the lives of everyone she cared about to get her scrote back. In her eyes, it would be a worthy sacrifice.
The trip to the forest itself didn't take long as the tree line was just outside of town, and before they knew it they were standing on a trail leading into the dark woods. They all came to a stop, most of the group starting to reconsider rushing headlong into the dangerous place, while Chris just needed a break after traveling almost half a mile.
"Maybe this isn't such a good idea," piped up Fluttershy, her cowardess preventing her from even looking at Twilight as she made the suggestion.
Applejack nodded in agreement before adding her two-cents. "I dreamed last night. Dreams of death and suffering the likes of which I've never even imagined. It shook me to my very core."
Rainbow Dash couldn't help but laugh at her friend's joke, an infectious laugh that most of the rest of the group joined in on. "Oh Applejack, darling," started Rarity, using her favorite word in the world as always, "everypone knows dirt ponies don't dream."
Pinkie Pie nodded her head, "I've never dreamed in my life."
"But, I really did dream!" She tried arguing.
"You know, Applejack," said Rainbow Dash, getting up in her friend's face. "You used to be the most honest pony I knew. You were the element of honesty for goodness shakes! Now, it's like I don't even know you anymore."
Applejack hung her head in shame as the rest of her friends continued to berate her for being a dirty, no-good, lying, stinkin' dirt pony. A tear ran down her cheek as she realized her friends could never understand. She knew she had dreamed, even if they didn't believe her. She knew...
Eventually Twilight, in her crappy mood, had had enough of her friends insulting Applejack. It was funny and all, but they had an important job to do and all they were doing was delaying. "Enough dillydallying. The sooner we locate my scrotum the better. Come on!" She headed off on the trail into the woods, eager to reunite with her pride and joy. She had never told anyone this before, but her scrotum was her most prized possession.
They clippity-clopped down the path, the trees' thick branches hanging overhead like a cage and blocking out most of the light from the sunion. Sonichu raced ahead excitedly, going fast as is his nature. The forest was eerily silent aside from the occasional rawr of some large predator or the demonic screech of an enraged chupicabra. Despite this, the group pressed on with no delays, aside from the sweating man-child that needed to take frequent brakes.
It was on one such break that Twilight stopped her frantic pacing for long enough to cast her spell once again. Her horn lit up as she began constructing a complex matrix of magical energon with her mind doing magic. The others stared at her, taking this opportunity to rest their hooves, waiting for her to point the way. After a few moments of her horn glowing, her eyes suddenly widened and she turned to look down the path.
"We're close, I can feel it just up ahead! Come on!" Without waiting for her friend's approval, she sprinted off down the trail at a full gallop. Her testicles rattled together like a pair of hanging office balls as she raced through the trees. Her friends were quick to run after her, knowing it would be a bad idea to get lost in such a spoooky place. I mean, the plants grow all on there own there. 3spooky5me.
The crazy run through the woods didn't last long, and before they knew it the group had emerged into a clearing in the trees. And there stood what was unmistakably a scroacher, back turned to them and arms raised high towards the heavens. Its entire body was adorned in hooded robes of foreskin, sown together from dozens if not hundreds of scrotums, that sagged and swayed in the slight breeze. Clutched in its hands was the unmistakable form of Twilight's purple scrotum.
"Hey, give me that back!" Yelled an enraged Twilight Sparkle.
This seemed to finally alert the scroacher to their presence, and it turned its head, the scrotum hood falling away to reveal the decrepit, repulsive form below. Chris' eyes widened as he recognized the scroacher. Even with his horrible, underdeveloped brain, the beef-jerky-like skin was unmistakable.
"Hey, you're Danny Trejo!" he burped out, his disgusting lips flapping like a farting anus.
Danny Trejo's beady little eyes narrowed at them, the leathery skin of his face stretching and scrunching in a nightmarish way. "You gringos are earlier than I expected," he explained in a thick mexican accent, the overpowering stench of corn tortillas on his breath.
"Expected?" Qustioned Twilight. "We caught up to you and now I'm going to get my scrotum back! Clearly failing wasn't part of your plan!"
Danny let out a throaty laugh, his wrinkled exterior rippling like a raging sea of sweaty flesh. "Haha. You ponies are even stupider than white people. I was merely hired to distract you!"
"But, that doesn't make any sense!"
But Danny Trejo wasn't one to give long-winded explanations. He was more into snappy one-liners and looking like a human scrotum. Which is actually what he is. You see, scroachers aren't humans at all, but an amalgamation of scrotums, animated through some fowl magic. "This scrotum is among the finest I've ever come across," he complimented as he examined the wrinkled flesh in his wrinkled grip. "It appears you took good care of it."
"Of course I took good care of it! That's the only scrotum I have, and it's the most beautiful scrotum in the world. Now give it back!"
But Danny knew better than to believe her, for he was the most beautiful scrotum in the world, and he'd be even more beautiful once he absorbed her scrotum into his grotesque body. Without another word, he tossed the scrotum into his mouth, not even bothering to chew before swallowing it whole.
"Noooo!" Screamed Twilight, tears coming to her eyes as she saw her greatest treasure slipping away from her.
"Hey, ya big meany! That wasn't very nice," yelled Pinkie Pie.
"Yeah," Agreed rainbow Dash. "Give it back man!"
"You'd best listen, lest you want a lickin', mister!" Threatened Sonichu like a dweeb.
But Danny Trejo wasn't about to comply. Instead he simply pulled a machete from the folds of his scrotum robe and swung it around threateningly. "No way amigos, this scrotum is mine, and Mexicans don't know how to share!"
And with our protagonists, the most powerful group of ponies and people in all of Equestria, distracted, the sonion finally made its move.
Space was still and silent, and the space birds dared not make a sound as an apex predator stalked its domain. The black, empty expanse was saturated with the stench of onions, an overpowering aroma that would bring tears to all but the most powerful of creatures. For, high above Equestria, the sunion loomed ominously, its omnipotent gaze twisted into a glare as it looked down on the pathetic creatures below.
And one such creature looked back.
Even as Celestio clopped through the hallways of her magnificent palace, a feeling of dread weighed heavily on her. She knew something was wrong, but not what. She could feel it in her very bones, and she had a lot of bones. How do you think she got so big?
She maneuvered through the twisting corridors for but a fraction of a minute, before coming to her destination: her balcony. The spot from which she watched the sunion, or 'the usurper' as she liked to think of it, every day. She didn't know why, but she had a hunch the horrible sky onion was to blame for these feelings.
As she moved out onto the terrace and looked up, her feelings were immediately proven correct. The sunion wasn't where it was supposed to be at all. It had always followed a pattern as it rotated around the planet, somehow immune to her magical control, but today it was way off course. Instead, it floated directly above Canterlope. Celestio had to crane her neck to even see the sunion, and as she did a creeping feeling wiggled its way into her eyeballs and slithered down her spine like a mashed potato rattling snake.
For the first time in so many months of glaring angrily at the sunion, Celestio could feel it glaring right back at her, but with an anger she could scarcely fathom. And then the sunion lit up brighter than ever before.
Before Celestio knew what was happening, she was on her back. A harsh ringing echoes in her ears, drowning out all other sounds, and, though she knew her eyes were open, all she saw was white. There was heat, not on her, but as though she sat too close to a brazier, and one side of her body was uncomfortably hot. She tried to wiggle to get back up, but a sharp pain in her lower back halted her in her tracks.
And so she did the only thing she could do, she lay there, hoping that her senses would come back soon. Minutes passed, and it was her hearing that came back first. The ringing had faded to a dull roar and all manner of sounds fought for her attention. In the distance, some one was going ape shit on a bell, no doubt trying to warn the crown of whatever was happening. Then there were the screams. So many were screaming, but it wasn't hard to tell that the source of none of them were close by. Still, she attempted to call out, hoping that perhaps someone was near enough to help.
Alas, no sound seemed to come from her throat aside from a faint gasping that wouldn't have been audible over the other noises. Minutes went by like that, before she heard something else making itself present above the din of screams in the distance. It sounded like footsteps, and they were nearby. Celestio was briefly overjoyed that she would finally get help before she remembered that ponies don't have feet and, therefore, don't have footsteps.
A moment later the steps stopped, just to her side. She couldn't see, but she could practically feel whatever was standing over her. It was radiating a type of magical energon she'd never felt before, making it easy to distinguish even without a magical-detection spell.
"Who's there?" she croaked out, her voice hardly audible.
"Oh Celestio," the voice responded, "as though knowing who or what I am would help you in any way. Your doom is assured, and I'll finally get my vengeance."
"V-vengeance?" Celestio pressed, but she got no response. That is, until a heavy weight struck against her head.
--
Sonichu was quick to step in, putting his massive, absolutely gargantuan hands on Twilight's shoulders in a comforting gesture. The awful yellow flaps of putrid carbon that composed his lips undulated up and down in a display that was both grotesque and morbidly fascinating at once, like watching a spider’s mating dance, and the tiny fingers in his throat strummed his vocal cords, causing sound to escape from his sphincter-like mouth much like a farting anus. “Don’t be upset, Twilight. We'll help you get your scrotum back,” the voice streamed slow and consistent from his puckered hole, like a long, drawn-out fart, not as bassy and loud as a strong gust of wind, but satisfying all the same.
"Yeah," agreed Chris who was clenching his hands into annoyed little fists, "we'll kick his butt for what he's done to you or my name isn't Christian Weston Chandler!"
Danny Trejo hardly seemed impressed, however. Being the most fowl creature to ever have life breathed into it, he wasn't afraid of much. He swung his machete in a threatening manner, taunting the lot of them. "I'll cut you up and put you on a tortilla with cheese, gringos."
Chris had had enough. With a mighty scream, he charged forward with all the speed of a raging hippopotamus, ready to strike down any that stand in his way. He could feel the virgin rage coursing through his veins at the thought that his friend who is a girl was being mistreated, and it gave him retard strength.
Unfortunately, before he could make it to Danny, a bright light filled the air with light molecules, blinding the entire group. It lasted a few moments before they managed to wipe the light particles from their eyes and look up, only to see the massive form of the sunion, now hovering directly above Canterlope. Below it, Canterlope was shrouded in smoke. Clearly something horrible was happening there.
"Haha," laughed Danny, his scrotum lips rattling back and forth in the process. "I was merely the distraction, and you tiny-brained gringos fell for it! Now the powers I serve will destroy everything you've ever loved! Muahahaha."
His laugh was cut short as Chris smacked him with his chicken-wing-like elbow, his virgin rage and autism empowering him beyond mortal reasoning. Danny Trejo folded in half from the blow, his skin flaps rippling and roiling like an angry sea. As a scrotum monster, he had no bones, you see, and the force of the hit was more than enough to shatter the crusty scrotums that kept him upright.
Like a limp hotdog, he collapsed to the ground, his scrotum skin bubbling and melting from his body. In a matter of seconds, his entire form was reduced to a liquified pool of scrotums that coated the ground. Twilight trotted up, her hooves being coated in the sticky liquid as she searched for her prize. It wasn't hard to find the masculine, purple scrotum and she quickly scooped it up in her snout, savoring its flavor. She didn't realize how much she missed its taste, but, after being away from it for hours, she couldn't help but think it was the most scrumptious thing in the world.
Without a word, she swallowed it down, absorbing her scrotum back into her body. The other ponies moved up and began lapping up Danny Trejo's remains. The scrotum juice would, no doubt, bolster their own scrotums. Not to mention it tasted pretty good.
"What's going on up there?" shat Sonichu from his rectum-like mouth, sounding as well as smelling similar to how a skunk would while emptying its bowels as it was dying.
Twilight followed his line of sight, seeing Canterlope burning in the distance. "I don't know, but we'd better go check it out!"
The trip back to Ponyville through the woods was uneventful, aside from some fart jokes, courtesy of Applejack and Pinkie Pie. At least the filthy mud ponies were useful for something. Once they got there, they found the town in a panic, as the light and smoke from Canterlope had them real spooked, as though they'd all seen a skellington.
Now free of the oppressive confines of the forest, the group was able to see the scene in full, and how large the sunion had gotten in the sky. Twilight didn't like the looks of it, and was about to order the group back to the library to come up with a plan, when she noticed something out of the corner of her square eye. She turned her head, and practically ejected the skin from her body as she feasted her peepers on something straight from Jeepers Creepers!
"Sk-sk-sk-sk," she said intelligently.
"What is it boy?" Questioned a confused Rarity, who's eyes are more round in shape and therefore don't have a corner. "Did Big Mac fall in the well again?"
"Sk-sk-sk-sk-sk!"
"Oh, I get it," got Pinkie Pie, "she's got a hairball!"
"Sk-sk-sk-sk!!!" She continued.
"Oh, I get it," got Pinkie Pie, "she's got a hairball!"
"Sk-sk-sk-sk!!!" She continued.
"Oh, I get it," got Pinkie Pie, "she's got a hairball!"
"Sk-sk-sk-sk!!!" She continued.
It wasn't until the spooky thing was literally standing on top of them that they finally realized what Twilight was trying to warn them.
"Sweet baby guacamole Jesus," ejaculated Sonichu, both words and globules of mucus being squeezed through the rings of flesh surrounding his mouth as he realized just what they were dealing with here. "A full-grown skellingdrome!"
And this wasn't your grandma's skellingdrome(or maybe it was), this was a big, mean, onion-smelling skellingdrome. On closer inspection, the group was able to easily spot at least a hundred of the things, wandering their way from Canterlope without a care in the world.
"Spook me sideways," exclaimed Rainbow Dash, who's deathly allergic to bones. "I need my medicine." She reached into the secret compartment in her tail, digging through it for her pills, only to be surprised in all the wrong ways as she didn't feel it there.
"Drat, I left it at home," she said in disappointment as she began to melt from being in such close proximity to a real, live skellingdrome. Then she noticed her friends were all melting too.
Rarity put a dramatic hoof to her forehead, "it seems Rainbow Dash has finally found us out, girls."
The rest of the group shared disappointed looks, dropping their heads in shame as Rainbow's judgemental eyes passed them over. "You mean to tell me you've all been allergic to bones too, and you haven't told me?" A few tears began to well up in her eyes. "Even you, Twilight, the honest one in our group?"
Twilight's ears lowered as several tubes of long-dried puss unspooled from her tear glands. "W-we, just wanted to make you feel special. We didn't mean to hurt you, Rainbow Dash."
Rainbow was instantly happy, understanding her friends' motives as she's definitely a special snowflake. Why do you think she dyed her hair all those dumb colors in the first place? "Oh, I love you guys," she admitted, feeling pretty good on the inside despite the fact that she was clearly melting.
"Not to be the bringer of bad butts, but we're all gonna turn into a poola Granny Smith's finest stew if we don't hurry an' do somethin'."
This got Twilight thinking. If she could only replicate the pills, the lot of them would be fine. "Think, think, think!" Said Twilight, urging her brain to find an answer somewhere in its meaty curves. Then suddenly it all came to her. "Brain blast! Those pills are made out of none other than pony hooves. Earth pony hooves to be exact, as those are filled with the most magic."
Rainbow Dash had never really wondered where the pills came from, but that did explain why they were so expensive. She went through at least three bottles a week, and the cost really added up. Thankfully, she had horse insurance.
Without a second thought, the group all turned and fixed their eyes on Applejack, knowing that she was an Earth pony. "We need to eat your hooves, dear," explained Rarity, as Applejack was fairly slow.
"What? But I need those for kicking trees," she argued, though the group could all agree that her tree-kicking hobby was stupid and she'd be better off doing something else with her free time.
The group was already half melted, thick gaseous fumes escaping from their bodies as they deteriorated, meaning there wasn't much more time for arguing. Twilight grabbed Applejack with her magic and knocked her over, revealing her tender hooves to the rest of the group who honed in on them like hungry sharks. They each ate a hoof, the group narrowly avoiding a moosey-fate as they reformed back to normal. All but Applejack, that is, who quickly melted into a pool of stew.
Sonichu's legs twisted beneath him like Octodad, and he flopped his way over to Applejack's pool, dipping a ladle in. He brought the orange and yellow mixture to his gums, poking at it with a calloused and malformed tongue before remarking on its flavor to the group through a mouth better-suited to voiding colons. "Could use some salt."
"Oh, I've got some in my mane," remarked Rainbow Dash as she reached up and dug through her mane compartment. She pulled it back a moment later, realizing afterwards that she'd grabbed her pills by mistake. "Oh, silly me, I had my pills all along. We never had to eat Applejack after all."
The group all shared a laugh, and then turned to finally confront the skellingdrome that had been waiting patiently the whole time. It was spooky as shit, staring at them with its skeleton eyes.
"W-w-w-what do you want?" questioned Chris-chan as urine cascaded down his leg.
Instead of saying anything, it just wandered away, revealing to them that the skellingtons were benevolent all along. They sure were spooky, though.
"Well, now that that's all out of the way," instructed Twilight, "we gotta save Canterlope!"
Everyone agreed, and the five ponies, Christian Weston Chandler, Spike, and Sonichu set off on another adventure.
When the group of them got back to the library, they found, much to their dismay, that it was missing. All that remained where once stood the mighty tree library was a blackened stump and a whole lot of soot.
"Kami-sama damn it," remarked Twilight who instantly realized her mistake. "I left Ethesto's mix tape on the counter when we left."
Spike-chan wasn't happy one bit, and he turned and fixed Twilight-sempai with a glare so icey, you'd best call the fire department! "U fukin' wot m8?" He asked, as he's hard at hearing because instead of having ears he just has dumb fin things on the side of his head that serve no conceivable purpose.
"I said I left Ethesto's mix tape on the counter, you smelly little willy," she repeated, this time loud enough for the sound waves to reverberate through his thick skull into his brain.
"Aw jeez," remarked Pinkie Pie-chan who's so random, "where am I gonna get my toilet paper from now on?" Unbeknownst to Twilight-sempai, Pinkie Pie-chan had been stealing books all along and using them to wipe her dirty rear as it gave her some strange form of pleasure. Twilight-sempai simply isn't a very good librarian, so she never figured out what was going on or that books were going missing. Then again, none of the books have names, and most lack distinguishing features of any kind, so I can't really fault her.
"From the toilet store, same place you get your jokes and party supplies," burned Rarity-chan, spitting my mix tape out 'cuz it was too hot to handle.
"Well gee golly," started Chris-chan, only to be interrupted as Spike-chan burped my mix tape. By which I mean fire. And concealed within the fire was a letter which Twilight-sempai skewered on her horn with ease, managing to absorb all the information written within via magic because reading is old hat (and she had a letter as a new hat hahahahaha).
"That must be from princess Celestio-sama," stated Rainbow Dash, who had done not one, but two back flips since this chapter began, "she must be congratulating us on a job well done in fending off that spooky skellingdrome-chan."
She couldn't be more wrong, and Twilight Sparkle-sempai wasn't about to let that go unpunished. She pulled a bullwhip from the storage chamber in between her thighs and smacked Rainbow Dash right on the cutie mark, leaving a new, red cutie mark in its place. "No you freaking idiot. I can't even believe you'd be that stupid."
"Yeah," agreed Sonichu-chan, hepatitis-infused saliva foaming from the corners of his mouth, "you're a big ol' dingus."
Now that Applejack was gone, the role of resident idiot was up for grabs, and Rainbow Dash had unwittingly placed herself in the running for said position. "Apparently Princess Celestio-sama has been kidnapped and she needs our help," Twilight-sempai explained, her skin a light purple color.
"How'd she write a letter if she's been kidnapped?" quesioned Pinkie Pie-chan, who's far too random for this story, lol.
The group all gave her a look before Rarity-chan spoke up. "Wow, darling, you're like the stupidest pony I've ever seen."
"Yeah, only a dirt pony would ever ask something that stupid," agreed Twilight-sempai.
"Daha, yeah, you're retarded," agreed Rainbow Dash-chan as she reached into her soiled diaper and grabbed a handful of feces which she tossed in Pinkie Pie-chan's direction. It was at this time that Chris-chan finally stopped staring at Twilight-sempai's ass and contributed to the conversation.
"Let's go save Princess Celestio-sama," he shouted, knowing that she'd probably let him marry Twilight Sparkle-Sempai or perhaps even herself and her sister if he saved the day.
Twilight-sempai blushed, realizing that his idea was perfect and reflected exactly her own feelings. She couldn't help but admire his intelligence and just the sight of him standing there was getting her hot. "That's a great idea," she gushed, dripping semen from her fresh scrotum. "Let's go save the princess."
And so they did. The end.
Haha, just kidding. "But daddy," Sonichu-chan squealed, his unshaven nipples growing crisp as a cool breeze assaulted his naked chest, "how are we going to get past all those skellingdromes?"
Then Twilight had an idea. An awful idea. Twilight-sempai had a wonderful, awful idea. "We can just teleport there," she deus ex machina'd just like she does all the time.
"Great," said Rarity-chan, "walking there would probably take a whole chapter, and Kami-sama knows those only come out once every 4-6 months." As she finished, the entire group looked over at the camera, and the chapter ended.
Thanks to Twilight's masterful mastery of magic, the whole group was able to teleport directly to Canterlope, saving me a whole lot of writing. As they appeared in the street, Rainbow Dash farted, unable to hold it in because bird ponies don't have anal sphincters.
"Woah, it seems the smell of the sewers has taken a liking to you, darling," Rarity gagged out as she pulled a comically-large clothespin out of her ass and used it to plug her nose.
"Jesus Louises," Twilight said, her face scrunching up like a tissue after I've masturbated into it not once, but twice. "What the hell did you eat? That smells like a ball of decaying children." She knows what that smells like because she has one of those in her garage instead of that new pony car. Then the year 2000 called and asked me for their joke back.
Rainbow Dash blushed, her cheeks growing red and puffy like a baboon butt, or like a magmar head, as blush cells coagulated in her face, causing her skin to stretch tight and become inflamed. "Applejack," she explained. And the group all nodded in understanding.
"That explains why the fart smelled so shitty," Sonichu half-laughed half-whistled through the comb-like slits of his whale-esque teeth, filtering krill from the air with every breath.
Everyone had a hearty laugh at that, none able to refute such a statement, and for several seconds, the group seemed to be completely fine. Then they all at once noticed they were surrounded.
"Hart, who goes there?!" wondered Twilight, who could actually hardly see because the Sonion was right over head and it was near-blindingly bright where they were. Even after asking that, the smell of pickles was almost overpowering, drowning out even the stench of Rainbow Dash's continuous farts.
Chris-chan's eyes dilated as he smelled that smelly smell. Not of farts, but pickles, and his grubby mitts clenched in fear and rage. He absolutely hated pickles! And just before he charged at them, music started playing as the pickle men began chanting in harmony.
"We are the pickle men, pickle me this and pickle me that. We're pickles, we're pickles, we're pickles, pick pickles. Pickles on the brain, pickles insane. Pickle in the rain, pickle juice in the drain. Pickles insane, pickles insane. We're pickles, we're pickles, we're pickles, pick pickles.
"Pickle me this and pickle me that. Pickles for gloves, pickles for hats. Pickles on your hands and pickles on your feet. Pickle in a jar and pickle on meat. Pickles, pick pickles, we're pickles, pick pickles.
"Yo I'm Dill Pickle, I have pickle hands. I have pickle hands, I am a pickle man. Pickle me this, pick, pickle me this. Pickles on sticks, man, pickles on a spike. Pickle juice, pickle juice, bring me the pickle juice. We're pickles, we're pickles, pick pickles, we're pickles.
"Freeze, I'm an officer of the pickle. Put that pickle on the ground! Put that pickle down! Pickles in jail, pickles in jail. I'm a pickle of the law, I'm a corrupt pickle cop. Pickle under arrest, pickle put to the test. Pickle me this and pickle me that. Pickles on trial, pickles on the jury.
"Watch out for the pickles. Pickles, pick pickles. Pickle me that before you pickle me this. We're all pickles here, pickles together. Pickles on the brain, pickles in the rain. Keep your head in the game, it all pickles the same. Pickle pick, pickle puck. Pickle suck, pickle fuck.
"I'm a pickle too, check out my pickle I.D. Pickles plain to see, you got that pickle envy. We're pickles, pick pickles. We're pickles, pick pickles. Pickle men are cool, slick my pickle hair, dude. Pickles can be rude. Pickles can be rude.
"Pickle me, pickle you. Pickle red, pickle blue. I'm a connoisseur of pickles, see? Pickle, pickle, pickle, three. I'll give you a piece of pickle advice. Just ask nice and you'll get into pickle paradise. Pickle paradise, pick, pickle paradise. Just say 'pickle' thrice, and you'll get the pickle prize.
"A pickle a day keeps the pickle me away. I'm a pickle doctor, got a doctorate in pickles. Pickles get the sickles, pickles have the sniffles. I give them pickle pills. Pickles on sticks, man that pickle's sick. Turn your pickle and cough, you have a pickle STD. Pickle disease, pickles from your head to pickles on your knees. Pay me pickle please, pick pay me pickle please.
"Peter Pickle picked a patch of pickled pickles. We're pickles. We're all pickles. Pickles on your knees, pay the pickle please. Pickles in the rain, pickles driving me insane. Pickle juice bath, pickle jar full of juice. Pickles are a fruit. Pickles are a fruit.
"Brush your pickle teeth, please brush your pickle teeth. We're pickles, pick pickles. Put that pickle Crest to the pickle test. Blue pickle in my left hand red pickle in my right. Which pickle is right? Which pickle is right? That's our pickle plight. Which pickle is right?
"I have pickle STDs, have pickle sex with me please. Pick, pick, pickle please. Pretty, pretty, pickle please. Pickles grow on trees, pickle orchard full of trees. There're pickle women too, you know, but we're the pickle men.
"Pickle me this and pickle me that. We're pickles, we're pickles. We're pickles, pick pickles. This is a pickle chant. Pickles are always green. No other colors of pickle please. Don't be a pickle tease. Don't be a pickle tease." Said the pickle men, in harmony.
Our group of protagonists put on their sunglasses, now able to see perfectly the small army of pickle men that had them surrounded. Chris screamed in autistic rage, red mist billowing from his mouth and nose as autism magic oozed from his lungs. "I'll kill all you pickles!"
However, Twilight was far more rational, and decided to ask first what the pickles truly wanted. "Pickle men, what do you want? We don't want to fight you, but we'll destroy you all in our pony god's glorious name should you bar our way."
The pickle men all answered as one. "We're pickles, pick pickles. We're pickles, pick pickles. We live pickle lives. One pickle day at a time. Girl pickles on the calendar, kitten pickles on the calendar. We love a pickle tickle, we all have pickle tails. Pickles off the rails. Slick pickle juice rails. Don't pickle me that, don't get a pickle tone with me. Pickles aren't free. Pickles aren't free.
"I drink a pickle protein shake, I'm a pickle body builder. I have pickles for brains, don't get in my pickle way. Pickle juice in my socks. Pick, pick, pickle gym socks. Pickle juice like sweat in gym socks. Pickle sweat in tube socks.
"Pickles are crisp, pickle crunch, pickle slip. Don't drop the pickle soap. Young pickles will elope. It's young pickle love. Pickle me this and pickle me that. Crispy pickle hat, wearing pickles on your head. It's 20XX, wear pickles on your head. Please pickle hats. Pick pretty pickle hats.
"I have pickle snot, pickle boogers a lot. I pick my pickle nose. Pickle, pickle, gross! Pickle, pickle, nose. Pickles dripping from my nostrils. Please buy pickle tissues. I need some pickle tissues. I have a pickle sock, I guess I'll use that. Pickle juice in sock. Damn, pickles rock.
"Drop a pickle like it's hot. I'm a pickle big shot. I pickle quite a lot. I pickle quite a lot. Pickle this, pickle that. Smash a pickle, pickle flat. Pickle juice goo on my pickle man fingers. In my pickle finger nails. Pick, pickle pan pizza. Mother Pickle Teresa. We're pickles, we're pickles. We're pickles, pick pickles."
Twilight nodded her head, realizing that if she could only find some common ground, perhaps they wouldn't have to fight these strange, pickle men. "Let's be friends," she offered, knowing that friendship is the most powerful weapon and she could use that power to strike down even an army of pickles should they get in her way.
"But Twilight," Rainbow Dash whined. "I don't even like pickles."
Chris-chan and Sonichu fully agreed. "Pickles are scum," they burped in unison, mixing retard gas into the air with each exhale. The pickles were none too happy to hear this, and they voiced their displeasure.
"We are pickle men, we are pickle men. Hating pickles is a sin. We're pickles, pick pickles. We have pickle weapons. Pickle WMD's. Would you pickle please? Say your pickle A, B, C's.
"Pickle A, Pickle B, Pickle C, Pickle D, Pickle E, Pickle F, Pickle G, Pickle H, Pickle I, Pickle J, Pickle K, Pickle L, Pickle M, Pickle N, Pickle O, Pickle P, Pickle Q, Pickle R, Pickle S, Pickle T, Pickle U, Pickle V, Pickle Z. The pickle's sang their A, B, C's. Call us "pickle smart", please. Give us a pickle treat, we say our pickles in threes.
"My name is Pickle Pie, I'm a pinkie pickle guy. Those are pickles in the sky, pickle clouds way up high. I've got to pickle cry, pickle tears from my eye. I got a pickle in my eye. I got a pickle in my eye. Oh god it hurts my pride to have a pickle in my eye. We're pickles, we're pickles. Pick pickles, we're pickles."
Now Pinkie Pie was mad too. "The audience of stupid, absolutely retarded bronies is gonna get confused if you call yourselves that. They'll think you're me, and I'm no pickle."
Twilight hit herself in the face with the palm of her horse hand, gaining a black eye. "Why do you guys want to pick pickle fights so much?" she asked before catching herself and covering her mouth with an arm. The others turned and glared at her.
"Let me ask you something Twilight, and don't take this the wrong way," Rarity started in an accusing voice, "but do you perhaps like pickles?"
Twilight's eyes shrunk to pinpricks as the whole group looked at her with judgmental eyes. "N-no, of c-c-course not!" she stammered, beads of pickle-laced sweat rolling down her forehead. Rainbow Dash leaned in, her already-humongous nostrils flaring into gaping pits as she took a deep whiff, sucking the sweat from Twilight Sparkle's flesh into her nasal cavity. After a moment, she sneezed out a glob of pickle-colored snot right onto her friend.
"My nose never lies to me," Rainbow accused, a frown forming permanent wrinkles on her face. "You're a pickle apologist. I can practically taste the pickles on your lips!"
Chris-chan immediately got a boner at the thought of Twilight, who's a girlfriend-free girl pony, 's lips, his member standing stark at an impressive one and a half centimeters. It's impressive compared to brony dicks, at the very least, though it was completely engulfed in his disgusting, fat-saturated belly, so, thankfully no one would ever have to suffer the sight of its measly form.
"I don't even like pickles," Twilight Sparkle lied.
Pinkie Pie, who according to canon (at least I think so, god knows I don't actually watch the stupid show that all these fanfictions are based on), can break the fourth wall, and she did just that. "The narrator even said you're lying," she accused. But everyone ignored her because she's a fucking idiot Earth pony and has no place in an argument.
Then I remembered that Spike is one of the characters, and so he said something. "When no one is looking, Twilight eats forty pickles in her room. She eats 40 pickles. That's as many as four-tens, and that's terrible."
Twilight used her magic to literally zip Spike's mouth up, causing him to gasp for air on the ground because he has a stuffy nose. "Don't listen to that idiot, he was obviously just joking... haha..." The stares of disbelief she got from the others prompted her to continue.
"Oh come on, who are you gonna believe? Me, your friend and the smartest pony on all Equestrias combined, or some pet lizard?"
Rarity rolled her eyes, clearly still not buying it. "Look, darling, you aren't exactly the element of honesty."
"Actually," Twilight corrected. "Now that Applejack is dead, I've inherited the element of honesty, making me the most believable pony in the world."
All her friends immediately gasped, instantly sorry that they'd doubted her. "I knew you weren't lying all along, I was totally just messing with you," said Rainbow Dash, trying her hardest to keep their fragile friendship alive.
"Yeah, twas big American joke," Sonichu gasped as puss simultaneously oozed from every pimple on his entire, grotesque body.
Chris-chan had to silence his quickly-beating heart as he heard the good news. He was honestly so mad that she liked pickles, and it filled him with all sorts of conflicting emotions far past his capability of rationally handling. "Pickles make me sick."
"Now that we've got that business out of the way, let's go save Celestio," offered Twilight, and the whole group continued onward to the palace. The pickles were gone, nowhere in sight. Perhaps it was all just part of their imagination.
Meanwhile in Ponyville, Fluttershy had been left behind, and had already been boned by an entire army of skellingdromes.
Heptagonal crystals the color of curdled milk ran in thick rows from floor to geometrically-perfect ceiling, framing a conference room of a magnificent scale and radiating a light not-unlike a bright white LED that you can find in 6-packs at your local hardware store for reasonable prices, likely in the 'lighting' section as that is where they typically keep lights from personal experience. At the center of this room, the specific dimensions of which I'll leave largely up to interpretation, stood a truly-impressive table, composed of the same crystalline substance as all other things in this strange place.
All things, with one exception: At the far end of the table, a figure sat hunched in a grand throne, its body and dimensions dwarfed by the sheer scale of this place, yet it still managed to give off an imposing aura as it pointed one perfectly-ordinary finger in a silent gesture. Without a word, a trio of massive crystal golems broke themselves off the wall and lumbered their way to the far edge of the chasm where the diaphanous walls were twisted into a literal schism, through which the lumbering creatures found themselves in a comparatively-small and already-heavily-burned pony city.
The City of Canterlope. Ponies ran screaming this way and that, almost all of them already on fire. Their retinas having received a lethal dose of ultra-onion light, long since turning a milky white as onion necrosis took hold. Even now, scraggly hairs grew from the surface of their outer layers, tickling the poor mini-horse's inner eyelids with each ill-fated blink.
Not even a light-year away, but certainly a few hyphen-saturated paragraphs away, our protagonists trekked their way through the dilapidated husk of an over-lit Canterlope. Thankfully, they had their sunglasses on and were, therefore, safe from the oscillating onion-laced death rays radiating from the Sunion. The afore-mentioned fruit hanging overhead like a twig of mistletoe, so close you could almost reach out with your lips and impart a loving and moist kiss on the surface of its topmost layer. Such an act would likely cause many tears to be shed, however. If not from the smell, from the burnt lips, and if not from that, from your secret admirers watching from a concealed alcove, witnessing such a passionate kiss on someone other than themselves. But I digress.
"Where the actual flipping heck did those pickles go?" Pinkie Pie stated the question than I'm sure is on all of your minds right about now.
No one listened to her question, however, as she's not even a unicorn. Rarity posed much the same question a few moments later, "Where the actual darling heck did those not-darling pickles go?" She used her go-to word, as is proper for her character.
Twilight Sparkle, Purple Pony, Princess, Unicorn, Newly-retired librarian, inhabiter of Ponyville, wielder of a multitude of elements of harmony(including but probably not limited to: Magic, Honesty, Friendship, and Kindness), and leader of this group, suddenly stopped. The entire group that had been following closely behind immediately collided with her adequately-cushioned tush, all falling over themselves with an audible sound of bowling pins getting knocked over.
They all stood up, only to see Twilight Sparkle scratching her chin with one hoof-crusted tentacle. "Truly, this is the greatest question of our time." She spent a few moments pondering a world of possibilities before exhaling a sigh of defeat. "Where do pickles go?"
"I don't like pickles," offered Christian Weston Chandler, his domed forehead reflecting light from its sweat-slicked surface like the midday-sun on a lake as he scrunched his eyebrows in simulated anger, showing the faintest facsimile of real human emotion.
"Perhaps hell?" Inputted Sonichu, air as rancid and decaying as the pile of dead babies in Twilight's garage I mentioned several chapters(and several years) ago, streaming unopposed from lungs so caked in a brackish tar that each alveoli of each and every bronchiole should, without question, be condemned as nothing short of a bio hazard, percolated unhindered through the unnatural gaps of teeth that jutted haphazardly from a mouth composed primarily of dead flesh, yellowed with the onset of rot and stiff from rigor mortis, allowing viscous strands of disease-ridden caustic filth to escape the confines of his scab-like tongue, pouring from a dozen cankerous sores, thick with mucous and fresh with the stench of Applejack(whomst he also consumed a few chapters ago).
"Heck if I know!" Blurted Rainbow Dash, her mouth opening and closing.
"What if we were the pickles all along?" Questioned Pinkie Pie, who sure is random today c|x.
"Perhaps we can shed some light on such a quandary," stated a deep voice from across the courtyard our courageous band of heroes found themselves in.
"Pun intended," enlightened a second voice, equally as deep, and if I hadn't specifically told you it was a 'second voice', you likely wouldn't have known the different.
"We know a great many things indeed!" A third voice explained, and by now the whole group was enraptured, their attention drawn to a trio of figures across the courtyard who towered over the burning rubble, carefully crushing ponies under foot as they made their way over towards their targets.
Twilight Sparkle fixed them with a look so intense that it could probably see things. And it did. And she did. "You look familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on it," she said to no one in particular. The cause of this is likely that she doesn't have fingers in this story.
One of the crystal golems approached and put a huge hand to its chesticles, "That's because we golems three are indeed familiar. Look around, dear pony. Look around and know the truth."
Twilight's eyes widened as she instantly absorbed a 180 degree view, her mind taking a few moments to process before she gasped in shock, pushing out air with enough force to cause a piece of burning rubble to fall, crushing a pair of blinded and wounded adolescent ponies that would likely have survived their minor wounds. Would have...
"You're made of onions, aren't you!?" She questions with a single, perfectly-formed interrobang.
Chris practically spat at the mere mention of fruit, then actually did spit a few moments later.
"Onions... Filthy creatures," also spat Rarity, venom squirting from the hollow points of her cobra-esque fangs and getting into Pinkie Pie's eyes. Yeowch! That's gotta hurt!
"More onion than you could possibly fathom," the rightmost golem responded, accusingly pointing a finger at the group, "and twice as much as we could possibly fathom!"
Rainbow Dash flew up and got right in one of the golem's faces, looking like an angry flying horse with rainbow-colored hair. "Oh yeah, and what exactly makes onions so special, huh?"
The golems shared a look and shrugged. "Why don't you ask him yourself," the middle one replied.
"Or are you, perhaps, too chicken," came the left one. "Cheep, cheep, cheep."
"Cheep at me one more time and you'll not live to regret it," threatened Twilight Sparkle. "I have a trained attack lizard that literally eats rocks all day, and I'll sick him on you should you provoke me."
The golem in the middle, the one with the top hat, inspected this so called 'lizard', and cast a dubious look at the purple one. "You mean, that lizard?"
Twilight turned to look, only to see that her attack lizard had long since suffocated, his mouth having been magically sealed, and his nose having been boogerly sealed, preventing oxygen from reaching his brain and resulting in untimely asphyxiation. What a shame. He was a good man. What a terrible way to die.
"Shit," was Twilight's reply as she got to thinking of a new threat.
Sonichu beat her to it, though. "You brick-brained doofuses wouldn't know an onion if one jumped up and bit you on the tip of your fucking dick. So get off my back."
Christian Weston Chandler gasped in shock, pushing out air with enough force to cause a piece of burning rubble to fall, crushing a pair of blinded and wounded adolescent ponies that would likely have survived their minor wounds. Would have... "Sonichu, those are bad words!"
Sonichu easily covered his gaping mouth with one over-sized, absolutely-gargantuan hand, realizing his mistake. "Sorry father."
Christian's face scrunched up, the thick crust of dried sweat scraping away into a dust-like powder as he frowned at his beloved son. "It looks like I'll have to punish you. No milk for one week!"
"Father no!" Sonichu begged, pathetically getting down on his knees and prostrating himself before his strict father.
"I don't want a mouth that filthy anywhere near my bounteous bosom," Christ explained, being both stringent and just at the same time as a good parent should be. "You'll spoil my milk with your spoiled mouth." He went on. The last thing Chris wanted was for his supply to curdle. Then he might start shooting milk duds. Get it? ;)
Twilight Sparkle couldn't explain why, but watching this so called 'homo-sapien' discipline his child was really getting her off, and she started to sweat from both ends. It was either a disease, or some maternal instinct coming to light, or perhaps both. Neither of these options much mattered to her though as she recorded this entire exchange with her ocular discs for later use.
"Father, please. I don't want to drink formula! Formula is for bad children. I am a good children. Just give me a second chance, father." Sonichu continued to beg, his bulbous head striking rhythmically against the pavement to accent his every contemptible exhale.
Chris 'tut-tutted', waving a single, fat-ridden finger as if this abhorrent show would somehow teach his son a lesson. Sonichu lacked the gray matter requires to retain lessons, and as such, this entire diatribe would prove a useless, long-winded excuse to extend a miserably-poor story about something god awful, only adding to its overall-low-quality.
Sonichu's colossal cyclopian eye squeezed itself into a tight ball, exhausting a puddle of tears so salty they made my grandma's cooking look like the great salt lake of Utah, America! "Waaaaaah! Me want milky! Me want milky!" He screeched, rolling in his own snot trail in an electric-hedgehog-type tantrum.
Rarity couldn't help but feel a little heart-broken at the sight. "Aw come on, look how cute he is. Surely we can forgive one mistake and allow him milk," Rarity persuaded, batting her massive eyelashes like a fan, pushing out air with enough force to cause a piece of burning rubble to fall, crushing a pair of blinded and wounded adolescent ponies that would likely have survived their minor wounds. Would have...
"Not my milk!" Christian insisted, sensually feeling his throbbing nips with his obese fingertips. Then he got an idea, an awful idea. Christian Weston Chandler got a wonderful, awful idea. He reached his neck down, clamping his mouth down on his own nipple, and he began to suck.
"Wow man, I didn't know what was possible," stated Rainbow Dash, honestly impressed.
Chris, through the right side of his mouth as he continued suckling, answered. "I always recycle."
Pinkie Pie had long since wandered off, blind as she is. And likely won't be appearing again in this story.
Twilight Sparkle found this incredibly amazing as well, and began producing her own 'milk', if you catch my driftwood.
Rarity could no longer stand to see Sonichu in such a sad state, and sighed. "Alright darling, if it means that much to you... You can have my milk."
Sonichu's eyes immediately lit up, exuding enough radiation to kill all fetuses within a 5 mile radius, as he moved over to Rarity. "Really?" He questioned, weary of traps as any good adventurer is. He made a wisdom save to try to detect any trace of a lie... 8 (with a -4 modifier). No luck.
"Really really," assured Rarity as she lay on her side, revealing not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but six entire pony nips.
"But which one do I choose from?" Sonichu wondered out loud.
"That is for you to decide," Rarity explained, looking at him mysteriously.
"Then I choose, ALL!" Sonichu yelled as he grabbed Rarity's belly with his two massive, absolutely gargantuan sonic hands, contorting her tummy rumpler so he could fit all six teets into her mouth at once. He then began to succcc.
"Wait, no, you can't drink from them all at once!" Rarity gasped, pushing out air with enough force to cause a piece of burning rubble to fall, crushing a pair of blinded and wounded adolescent ponies that would likely have survived their minor wounds. Would have... "If you do that, I'll... On no darling."
With that final utterance, she was sucked dry, her body crinkling like an empty Capri Sun as Sonichu extracted all available milk from her carcass like a chupicabra, but for milk instead of blood. He exhaled in satisfaction and wiped a thin line of milk from his lips. "Aaaaw, not as good as father's, but that really hit the spot."
The golems exchanged glances before turning to leave. "They destroy themselves, we need not even intervene. We can leave them and go off to live our long lives in peace and harmony."
But Sonichu jihad other ideas, and wasn't about to let them leave now that he was all filled up. "Eeeeeeelectriiiiiic STRIIIIIKE!" He shouted, firing a thick stream of lightning with his electrokinesis. With a clap of thunder that deafened a nearby blind pony, turning him into a new age pony Hellen Keller, the lightning lodged itself directly into the back of one of the golems.
"Ugh, lightning.... My one weakness," he managed to utter as he exploded into tiny pieces in a cloud of smoke.
"Whew. Well I'm beat," said Sonichu, satisfied with a job, and an onion golem, well done.
The two remaining golems exchanged horrified looks before the one with the goatee responded. "You just murdered him! That was our brother, and you killed him for no reason. Why would you do that? We're a peaceful people!"
"Hah, save it for the judge!" Chris yelled, his autism long since turned up to 11 as he exercised a power never before seen. He practically teleported, as he grabbed the two remaining golems in his autismokinesis, crushing them together into an onion pancake. "Fruit is icky." With that witty one-liner, the fight was over, and our protagonists were victorious. But at what cost...?
With the guardians of the Sunion defeated in honorable combat, they were met with a large opening at the underside of the gargantuan fruit. Conveniently, a staircase led up to the innards of the massive structure as it floated a couple dozen meters above the ground.
"Hey, that was pretty cool," Rainbow Dash admitted, blushing a bit as she realized once again how amazing Christian was. "Hey, when this is all over, maybe we could go have unprotected sexual intercourse."
Twilight's heart immediately dropped as she heard this. Thankfully she picked it back up. She realized now what these strange feelings were. She wanted to have unprotected sexual intercourse with Chris. He was such a sexy hunk, and a father, and she loved him. And now her one chance at happiness was taken from her by her dumb friend.
Chris frowned at her. "No thanks, I'm not into dudes. I only want a boyfriend-free girlfriend."
Rainbow scrunched up her face like a tissue after I've finished cumming in it. "But, I'm a-" She never finished that thought as a random burst of purple magic caused her head to explode into a fine mist of multicolored-but mostly red- particles.
"Wow, where'd that come from?" Twilight asked, whistling to himself.
Chris shrugged as he looked up at the Sunion, letting out an obnoxious sigh, pushing out air with enough force to cause a piece of burning rubble to fall, crushing Pinkie Pie who would likely have survived her minor wounds. Would have... . "Do I really have to go up all those stairs?" He's right, I should just end the story abruptly here.
Unfortunately for me, Twilight wouldn't have that. Then she'd never get laid. She picked Chris up, allowing him to ride on her back. "Later you can ride me a different way," she exclaimed huskily, partially out of lust and partially because Chris weighed way more than she thought he would.
"Me want ride horsey too!" Sonichu retched, vomiting blood on the corpse of a dead pony before jumping up and landing on her back.
Twilight nearly collapsed, feeling and hearing her spinal column shifting under the bone-crushing strain placed on it, but sheer will-power allowed her fragile endoskeleton to remain mostly intact for the time being. Pure virgin strength coursed through her veins like an army of giant radioactive rubber pants, and she began a long march up the crystalline stairs into the Sunion.
The trip was grueling, taking an agonizing amount of time as the weight was far more than Twilight had ever lifted, and the fact that Sonichu kept pulling her tail certainly didn't help. As she walked, she felt the cartilage in her joints slowly disintegrate from excess heat caused by strain and friction. The skin on her back, normally held taught over muscles and skeletal structure was sloughed from its perch under the over sized ass of Chris. Her vision began to blur as her whole body ached for oxygen, and when she breathed to fulfill this request she received a lung wrought with naught but stink molecules, courtesy of her hideous passengers. A serious lack of air caused spots to form in her vision, her head swimming as serious brain damage set in, her muscles already filled to bursting with ATP, she somehow made it up the top step, setting one foot inside the Sunion's hull before collapsing in a pool of her own blood.
Chris and Sonichu dismounted and headed into the structure.
"Wowee zowee father, look at how big this thing is!" Sonichu yelled, his voice echoing from the spacious interior as he looked around.
As if summoned by this outburst, suddenly the room's occupants became clear, rows upon rows of autistic humans sitting in tiers around the perimeter. And at the head of an outrageously big conference table, which was probably compensating for something, sat perhaps the most autistic human of them all on an immaculate throne of pure onion.
The figure looked up at them with two dead eyes, silently regarding the intruders for a few moments before standing up. "I am Ethesto. I created this place," I said with a sweeping gesture towards the stands, "and these are the audience. A bunch of autistic bronies. You."
"What is this place?" Christian asked, the metaphorical gears in his damaged brain turning agonizingly slowly.
"You said it yourself," I literally replied. "A giant fruit. We are all autistic here, and you've found your way to us, as though guided by fate. Or perhaps not fate. Perhaps it was me."
"You did this?!" He squealed, managing to rub two neurons together.
"Let's kill him father," Sonichu suggested, always thirsty for blood.
"Yes, an excellent idea," I said, "let's end this tripe once and for all."
The audience stirred, clearly not happy with this turn of events, but they had no say in the matter. I have all the power here. Only by not reading can they dictate the outcome of these events, and they would never do that. Otherwise the story would end here without climax.
Chris looked down at his hands, as he began to glow with pure autism. But this was different from before. The autism that glowed on him turned into a spectrum of colors as multiple sets of tiaras and shiny jewelry appeared on his body.
"The elements of harmony! But how! I wrote them all to death!" I yelled.
"The true element was the friendships we built along the way," Chris explained, the magical artifacts having revealed everything.
"That's just autistic enough to make sense," I conceded. The audience looked around in horror, unable to voice their opinions except in the comments. And no one even reads those...
"Blast him father!" Sonichu urged, spurring his own demise.
"I'm gonna do just that! Die evil doer! Be purged in my miiiiighty power. RAAAAAAAGH!" With a mighty roar, Chris let loose a rainbow of pure autism, ending this story.
