What's On Tap, Commission Retrospective, And State Of The Author · 8:20pm Dec 10th, 2018

So, it’s been a big couple of months for me. Prepare for long posts.

Let’s start with the fact that I opened myself up to commissions for the first time ever. I know that, for some people, it really doesn’t work. It can be draining, frustrating, and feel really crappy. Luckily it worked for me. I have a good drive when there’s a deadline to work under and a paycheck to earn, and I stuck to my goal pretty well. It was rewarding, and I may open up again sometime under less dire circumstances.

I had recently lost my job, and around the same time, my cat developed an abscess in her cheek. I found this out when blood started coming out of her tear duct, which was… less than a calm time in the household. We rushed her to the vet, and she was just fine, just needed three types of medicine for about a week, and a big ol’ cone on her head. This, as you might guess, cost money. I needed money to, say, eat and live but I was doing little stuff to get that. What I didn’t have is dosh for kitty care. So that’s why I did a limited round of commissions in the first place.

People were incredibly generous. I wrote a LOT of stories (22 in fact!), which I will lit shortly, and most of the commissioners tipped. None of them complained to me, or were dissatisfied, and all of them were quick and awesome with payment. Seriously, they were absolute gems, and I am thankful to each and every one of them. All but the one who wished to remain anonymous are posted below. I sincerely hope you’re willing to read some of them or at the VERY least, go give the people who commissioned me some love. They certainly deserve it, and while I’m still struggling a little financially, the cat is not a problem anymore.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Now that I’m done with commissions, you may be wondering What’s On Tap?

Well, first of all, it may be a week or two before you see another big story out of me. It might not be, but I have a feeling my energy for stories will be placed into other areas, such as doing christmas gifts and going through a few more interview/hiring processes. What you ARE likely to see is a new Living With Twilight Sparkle is Weird story in the next few weeks. So keep an eye open for that. Let me be direct with what my plans are, so people know.
This is what’s on tap, in no exact order:

-LWTSIW story
-A story writing contest with The Barcast
-More SFSF (shitfaced shitfics) on youtube
-Some fun VA work that is partially done
-A story about Anon being transformed into a supermarket, at some point
-A mysterious story about a mysterious incident at the royal palace which still needs to be investigated by authorities
-More Broken Love at some point
-The Barcast Dating Sim (yes it’s really happening)

Other than that, I’m keeping myself pretty open and flexible for whatever mood strikes me, and there’s a very good reason for that.

Here’s where I rant. Feel free to skip this if you don’t want to hear about personal feelsy sad and angry stuff. (Trigger warning for depression, trauma, and suicide)

It has been hard to function recently. Some of you may know that I’m on a mission to fight my agoraphobia, and for that I have been going outside every single day, even if just for a little while. I have done this, unbroken, for coming up on nine months now. It’s been… rough. But it’s been more rough than usual as of late.

For one thing, in the part of CA that I was, the smoke was bad. My immune system isn’t all it could be, so I really had to stay inside for fear of having issues. My husband actually ended up with bronchitis from trying to do his job, which was mostly outdoors. It’s hard to have outside time when the warnings everywhere are telling you to stay in (believe me, it sounds like such a welcome, sweet invitation and my phobia tried to take it as an excuse to stay in at every opportunity), but I managed it with the help of a gas mask. And not the fun cute kind either. I wore a legit full-faced gas mask. It was… not the fun times for me, but at least no one stared because nearly no one was on the street. During this time my cousin in law was fighting the fires north of me. He’s okay, but my family was in a constant state of worry for a while. Glad that’s over now.

The next thing that happened I am unfortunately going to be… vague about. Seventeen years ago, on November 19th, something really bad happened to me. It has impacted me every year since then in various ways. This year, I made a semi-conscious decision I guess to not acknowledge that day when it came up. I was just going to move past it and try to keep myself occupied, and try not to think of it. I was short tempered, definitely, but I thought I had made it past, as it had been two weeks since that anniversary, and I was doing okay. But then the nightmares started up. They happen every year or so, and they are vivid and awful and graphic. This time, they didn’t begin until December, and I eventually broke down and was forced to stop and acknowledge what had happened. I was getting afraid to go to sleep, and I finally managed it through very expensive wine, and a lot of cartoons and Rupaul. I could barely function. I want to be over this and past it and just get past that day without thinking about what it represents. But I can’t do that yet, it seems. I had good support there for me to get me through a few days, and as of yesterday, the dreams seem to have stopped.

But last night, I also found out something worse.

Unexpectedly, my girlfriend’s aunt killed herself yesterday evening. We got word of it while we were out at a party that she had actually been invited to, and had been expected at. I don’t want to give a lot of graphic details on what happened, as to respect the family, but also because I’m not quite there yet. She may have been my Girlfriend’s relative, but she was also my friend in her own right as well. It was 100% unexpected and sudden, but there are few things about it that stick out in my mind.

While my girlfriend is doing her best to deal with this with her family, and I want to give her space, I can’t help feeling my own frustrations, sadness, and anger. None of which I’m going to voice to her, because she doesn’t need that in her ear right now at all. But one of the reasons this kicks my ass so hard is that this woman was the only person I’ve ever become friends with who had agoraphobia in the same way as me. We had similar tendencies, feelings, and when we were out together we could pick up when the other one was beginning to have issues, and help correct it. She was actively fighting it, and had medication for it and other mental health issues. She was changing that medication when all this happened. It keeps swirling around in my head that she’s like me in some ways, but she hid it so much better than I do. She was a mom to a young teen, an aunt, a beloved family member, someone’s girlfriend. She functioned day to day, had a steady job, and she was fighting back against health issues and anxiety. We’d even made plans to go see a hockey game together later this month. I’d had thanksgiving with her, only about two weeks ago. She’d mentioned she was still settling into the new medication, and was hoping it would work well. But that it didn’t feel right yet. She had highs and lows… but I don’t think any of us expected she would have a low this bad.

There’s a lot of feelings I am still sorting through on this, and while I know how to be a comfort for my girlfriend, and I will be, I’m still figuring out how to comfort me. How much I should let myself grieve. How much of my anger and hurt is justified. How this changes my view of my own agoraphobia and mental health. I don’t know. I just know I wasn’t ready for this. That it was already hard to function and keep going outside and keep being me. And now I know I’ll have to work harder to make it happen.

I’m not sure where else I’d talk about this. Too many people know me on facebook or twitter or whatever. But I wanted to put my thoughts down in words somewhere, because they’re still sitting so heavy with me today. I’m putting my life on hold for a little while, and I’m going to be there for loved ones that are also hurting. I’m not sure when things will feel normal again for me, but I hope it’s soon.

I know this is a downer to end on, but this is where I’m at right now. If I seem distant or I vanish for a little while, please be aware that it’s not personal. You guys are awesome, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and are still doing for me. Please take care of yourselves, and I’ll do my best to take care of me too. You should see some new stories soon, not because I feel I have to, but because it helps, in its own way.
Thank you again for reading and being there. I hope all of you have a peaceful rest of your week.

Love,
Pencil

P.S. If you are feeling really, truly low or depressed, please PLEASE reach out for help. Call 1-800-273-8255, or Text HOME to 741741, or chat online with someone here: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
Please.

Report anonpencil · 378 views · #update #state of the writer #sad #commissions

Comments ( 15 )

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Flutterpriest

Flutterpriest #1 · Dec 10th, 2018 · 5 · ·

I love you. I'm always here for you and will always help in any way i can.

Moosetasm

Moosetasm #2 · Dec 10th, 2018 · 3 · ·

I’ve suffered from PTSD, so I know how anniversaries can bite it big time. Just always remember that even if things suck now, things won’t always suck. I’m glad you’re willing to share here. It’s actually beneficial and therapeutic to be able to do that and to get responses that (hopefully) allow you to reflect on your own situation. But even just talking or typing or writing allows the mind to process and work through the difficult times. I hope your time in the valley is short, and I hope you are able to discuss what you need to with your girlfriend sooner rather than later. Just remember that you have lots of peeps and pones that care about you and are willing to offer support.

Flammenwerfer

Flammenwerfer #3 · Dec 10th, 2018 · 3 · ·

You and the gang are like extended family to me, so know that you have mine, and yo crew's shoulders to lean on for anything. And know that if you're in want or need of extra company, say the word and I'll be up there in a mere few hours with food and alcohol of your choice.

You've got this, and you've got all the support if you need if you ever require that little extra bit of propping up for anything.

Love you, ya turd

Majin Syeekoh

Moderator

Majin Syeekoh #4 · Dec 10th, 2018 · 4 · ·

You need fifteen hugs.

From the inside.

internally hugs fifteen times

Duelist96

Duelist96 #5 · Dec 10th, 2018 · 3 · ·

I'm making sure you get the two hugs I promised you to show that you're awesome and that I'm here for ya.

Shakespearicles

Shakespearicles #6 · Dec 10th, 2018 · 3 · ·

PresentPerfect

Author Interviewer

PresentPerfect #7 · Dec 10th, 2018 · 3 · ·

mwuh D: I'm sorry I can do nothing but offer sympathies

Olden Bronie

Olden Bronie #8 · Dec 10th, 2018 · 2 · ·

We're here for you, Pencil! You just take care and know that if you need anything, just ask. Much love and hugs to you.

Paper Mache Man

Paper Mache Man #9 · Dec 11th, 2018 · 2 · ·

Fuck. I know what it's like to have someone close kill themselves. It's rough, and I hope you get through this.
Much love.

Freglz

Freglz #10 · Dec 11th, 2018 · 3 · ·

I don't know why I'm surprised at how much stronger people can be than me, but I am.

Sorry all that stuff happened, even though saying sorry feels a little shallow and, you know, common. I just hope things get better for you.

RK_Striker_JK_5

RK_Striker_JK_5 #11 · Dec 11th, 2018 · 3 · ·

I wish i could do more than offer you some cyber-hugs. I know we don't know each other too well, even online, but I've grown to admire and like you, Pencil. I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit.

Monochromatic