• Member Since 5th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago


Don't read my stuff if you have a weak stomach or are easily bothered by traumatic genitalia damage. That's seriously all I've got in here!


Celestia is sick and tired of having mediocre cups of coffee in Canterlot. The coffee chains they have in the city are a bust, and none of the ponies seem to know how to make anything other than basic, plain old coffee! Maybe she needs to scout out a better franchise and better hired help in order to get a decent cup of joe for a change. Maybe she even needs to search outside of the pony realm to do it.

WARNING: Contains human to pony transformation, stressful situations, brainwashing, and overly complicated sweet girly coffee abominations.

Written as a commission for Foal Star, who brewed this idea from scratch. :)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 60 )

I'm so happy you included the last part of your trigger warning. By the Sun such things deserve to be shunned!

I don't drink coffee, and even I cringe at those orders!

A very enjoyable story. Though MC is usually a bad thing, when used for that perfect coffee. Is it really so wrong?

The view int he mug...

Not sure if this is a spelling mistake or not, but that's something small compared to... perhaps, one of the most random stories ever. :heart: Pretty sweet story, anyways.

Thanks for the catch, fixed. Glad you liked it!

I think a dark tag might be appropriate here...

Welcome to good burger, home of the good burger, may I take your order?

Twilight's eyelid twitched. Without ever looking away from Celestia, she magically guided her coffee to one of the planters and upended it.

Celestia simply sipped her own, visibly keeping a most unroyal sound of pleasure down to a pleasured but dignified hum. "Is something wrong, Twilight?"

"It's certainly not what I was expecting when I'd asked if you'd done anything interesting lately." Officially speaking, there was no snark to be found in Twilight's voice. One princess of the realm did not sass another. Officially.

Celestia certainly didn't acknowledge any hypothetical sass. "You have to agree that it was quite interesting."

"From a purely magical standpoint, yes. From any other?" Twilight felt the twitch start up again, threatening to spread to her other eye and both ears. She shut her eyes, breathed in calm, breathed out stress. Once she found her center, she said, "Princess, you know how I sometimes find it hard to criticize you or accept your fallibility?"

Celestia nodded. "I am, yes."

"Well, you'll be pleased to know this isn't one of those times. Because these horse apples right here? This is why I don't tell you anything about the other side of the mirror."

(A fun read, even with those blasphemies against the bean on display. And that is a fantastically disturbing use of second-person narration.)


Forced human to pony transformation, brainwashing, deal with the Dev...Alicorn, coffe...dark tag?

The darkest part of this story was the coffee orders


Dawwww, both of you are sickeningly sweet for spoilering your posts. :) :heart:

Coffee is the most important meal of the day.

good story simple, though I figure it be luna who was the coffie addict. unless this all happen before luna return....

are you making more liked this?

awesome job! Im definetly going to commison again this was really funny and cute.

“Cup that’s full of coffee grounds,” she chanted slowly. “Show me the best barista around!”

You just turned Celestia into the evil queen from Snow White... which is quite fitting.

But... Celestia didn’t have even a tiny slice of cake? Or a whole cake? Or like, clean out the entire pastry window of all cake-related items? Where. Is. My. Realism?

You suddenly feel very tired, very worn out by your day. You know you should close up and get home, but after being surrounded by, and pumped full of (hey, those energy packets don’t taste too bad), so much caffein today, you’re completely sapped of energy. Maybe a short nap, just a little one, and then you can get up and get going again. Just a little nap, a tiny one… just… a little…


You stumble and practically crawl your way over to the metallic espresso maker, and stare into the reflection. There, you find a light, creamy brown colored pony staring back. Your eyes are large and amber in color, and you have long dark eyelashes. Your main is also pulled back, and a green visor goes across your forehead. The logo on it is a unicorn’s head, eyes shut and mane flowing. The words around the outside read “Sunbucks.”


Thanks, fixed. :)

As short as it is, the story was pretty good. I quite liked it. I give it a 10 on the :yay:itude meter! Perhaps at some point Mocha can look up Caramel Cream (One of my OCs). I'm sure that they'd get along just fine.

Also, this reminds me of....


you shuld call it "SunBuck" coffee

Interesting read, keep it up.

A joke about 'her' constantly getting the names wrong on the cups would've been hilarious:

"Can I have a *Insert order here.*?"

"Of course Princess!"
(Name on-cup: Ceghlesstiah.)

"........What the fuck?"

:facehoof: Oh, Celestia, you poor fool. Don't you realize it's the bitter ennui of a thankless existence that gives Anon power to make the darkest, most supreme brew? Her supernatural satisfaction with her job will ensure that any coffee she serves is about as exciting as warm milk.

Love your stuff pencil, oddly enough though this is the first to make me actually uncomfortable. Of all your crazy shit it's this simple one that makes me frown in existential discomfort .

Thank you for that


oddly enough though this is the first to make me actually uncomfortable.

I know Pencil writes some fucked up shit, but something about how casual Celestia is about mind-raping him... I mean, she murdered Anon. She mind-raped him and then murdered him.

Celestia wanted good coffee... and she went with STARBUCKS? There are soooo many better choices she could have made. http://grumpyfuckerscoffeeshop.com seems like a nice place.

Author's preference I guess... I'm not in the USA, and we have Starbucks here, and I find the swill they conjure into existence with dark, demonic rites to be downright nasty.

Caramel Mocha's better off this way. Though she could probably use some of that sweet, sweet Royal Endorsement money by way of compensaton.

I agree that Starbucks is massively overrated, and overpriced to boot. Honestly, I tend to prefer Wawa if anything. It's a frickin' gas station, but damn if they don't make good coffee.

As usual, you hold back a groan as you focus not he task at

wait what?

On the
Fixed it, autocorrect is fun sometimes.


It was the commissioner's choice. And I specifically chose the WORST coffee drink orders for this story. XD
Also, tea drinker here anyway.

Bruh this was fucked up why would you send someone to 40th circle of hell; the thankless job of a coffee baristas drone

Da, Local Soviet harsh critic here. I think from what I read from description that author might agree with me when I say, Starbucks is for flaming goatmen fail lumberjacks trying to cut down tree. Awful snowflake gathering spots and entitled preteen bratty hangout shit drinks makes Starbucks piss. Need real man's drink, HARD ENERGY DRINKS WITH VODKA!!

it's times like this that I remind myself why I order simple things, like just 'latte no sugar.' Cause a basic, easy order breaks up the BS for people like Anon.

nice! celestia just kidnaps and somewhat brainwashed? or hoodwinked a human in signing a contract to live in horseland without the person really knowing whats going on!:twilightsheepish:

i dont see a reason to add a “DARK TAG” :trollestia::trollestia::trollestia:
its just a normal everyshit stuff ponyland kind of thing nothing dark about it!:pinkiecrazy:

me likey!:yay:

Totally a coffee drinker myself, but I do enjoy tea from time to time. Tim Hortons is my coffee shop of choice. They have good food as well.

You don't drink coffee?! What are you some sort of Commie Mutant Traitor?! O.O

Darker then i anticipated but very good
Ps: I don't drink coffee either

Hey, I take offense to that. Soviet Power Supreme is best power. ALL HAIL THE SOVIET!!!

wait didnt this say sunbutt awhile ago....

It never did.

Believe it or not, I actually can't. I get violently ill unless it's a few select low-acid kinds. And they are... not the most tasty things.

My reaction to reading this fic...

A large part of me wanted to call bullshit on those orders, but then I reminded myself that those people exist. Also:

“Oh my Goooood…” she said, voice nasally. “It’s like, totally, the beeeeeest.”

Why did I hear that soooooo clearly? :ajbemused:

Ok now I wanna go to sunbucks and get a salted caramel mocha with extra foam Yum

p.s. I rarely get coffee but when I do it is normally a mocha

That is totally bananas. Have you tried putting like milk and/or chocolate in your coffee?

It's not the taste, it's an allergy. :(

That is HORRIBLE!!! What do you drink then if not coffee? T_T

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