It's My Fault - The Unspoken Story of The Enchanted Library and Mental Abuse · 7:47pm Jun 22nd, 2018
A blogpost I've been meaning to do for a long, long time.
I'd like to preface this by saying this is going to be a very visceral blogpost. Raw, and unfiltered, and painful. Perhaps the single most personal and visceral blogpost I will ever write on this website. If this bothers you, please don’t feel inclined to read it. I won’t be offended in any way! It's not everyone's cup of tea, especially served so frequently as I do. If you do read this, I ask you be kind. To me, and to anyone else involved.
In an ideal world, this blogpost would have come years from now. In an ideal world, I’d have already finished TEK and I’d be posting this as the grand finale to the series; a meaningful introspection at the painful inspiration behind the series. In an ideal world, Enchanted Library would not exist, because it would mean I did not go through a dependent mentally-damaging relationship for several years.
And yet, as I write this, I'm suffering from severe burn-out, disillusion, and I'm turning 25 tomorrow and that horrifies me.
So here it is, my attempt to give myself a reason to not quit and to fight.
The following blogpost will feature MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR TEL INCLUDING THE ENDING and maybe some foreshadowing into TEK. Please keep this in mind if you decide to read.
Mental abuse.
A very ugly word. A very damning accusation.
June 2015. A ranch in the outskirts of Mexico. No cell phone signal. Just me and two-hundred other people gathered together in a massive Alcoholics Anonymous retreat. 30 hours being awake, writing visceral questions about my life, my feelings, my fear, my desires. A story that ended with me on the ground, sleep-deprived and in a trance, a counselor clutching me as I sobbed over and over four damning words: It was my fault.
Sounds familiar, right?
Let’s go to the beginning.
I had a friend several years ago. Someone who wrote terrifically well, and who I deeply, deeply admired. We bonded in classes and got along incredibly well. I would show them some of my fics, but mostly we both wrote essays and short stories for college.
[As I write this, I feel it. The voice behind me hissing, “you allowed it. It was your fault”.]
What happens, I ask, when you take someone easily influenced with cripplingly low self-esteem and mix them with someone incredibly talented, very high standards, and an offer to help?
You get dependency to someone I admired and respected perhaps a little too much.
I lived and died by what they thought of me and what I did. I lived and died by what they thought and by the idea of pleasing them and earning their approval. If something I did wasn’t something they liked, I would immediately hate it. It was bad. Clearly.
This was the cycle. Over and over and over.
To this day, I’m burned by the memory of the decisions and things that I changed to suit them. Haunted by the memory of all the ways I caved in. All the times I personally disagreed with a decision they offered but did it anyway because I was convinced they were better than me.
To this day, I can’t read most of my Spanish short stories from 2014 to 2015. To this day, I see how that relationship allowed me to cave in other aspects. In Fanfiction, where similarly I would easily cave in to changing my stories because I was being programmed for it.
I could not say no to them. Even if I wanted to, I didn’t. I convinced myself that I wanted it too because it felt like, if I refused, and in my perspective, their demeanor would change. They’d grow less interested in helping me.
And I was convinced that I was nothing without them.
Anything I did wasn’t good because I had talent; it was good because they helped me out. Because they advised me.
Two of my dearest friends got caught in the backlash. They saw it all, how I would cave every time, how I do something I love and come back the next day, convinced it was horrific and trite and uninspired. They begged me to stop. To reason. To take opinions from someone else. Why could I so easily take and combat negative suggestions from them, but do whatever this other person told me?
I wrote an essay once. The idea of one. A subversion of a common trope. When I told it to people and friends, they didn’t like it. Them, in particular, disliked it. It crushed me, and it crushed me that it crushed me. Even though voices hissed at me, whispered that it was a dumb idea....
I forced myself to write it. No one edited it. Not even my usual fandom editor who I asked to read my non-fandom stuff. Just me.
I published it. It got top marks and my peers loved it.
I felt liberated. I felt joy like I hadn’t felt in months. I was a good author. Me, myself, and I. I didn’t need anyone.
They came up to me later and told me it was a wonderful essay and they had always known I could do it.
In a single message, I fell back into the cycle with the added pain of knowing I was in a cycle and was completely unable to escape it.
Because it was my fault.
I was the one who made the choices, who was weak, and susceptible and wanted validation.
I was the one constantly falling for their actions (which I still believe were unintentionally manipulative). I was hurting and I was convinced I was the monster. I deserved it, even.
All of it was me, and not them.
Eventually, our relationship started to wane, and yet I still lived consumed by validation. I felt like their interest in helping me was starting to fade-out and it crushed me. Even more so when I forced myself to combat their suggestions when I didn’t like them. It destroyed me. How could I continue to be good when they were the only reason I was good?
It crushed me, even though I thought it was fair. Who was I to force them to like my stories and help me out in classes? Who was I to feel they wanted me to write stuff they wanted when I was the one saying “yes” to their every request?
I broke ties with them a few months after the retreat, as well as with some other people. Because I was convinced I was a terrible person. I was hurting people with my awful behaviours because it was all my fault.
And I felt like a monster. Like I’d just hurt dear friends because I was weak. Because I was susceptible. Because I allowed it.
It haunted me for months and years. Friends had to stop me from messaging them and begging them to take me back. To forgive me. I needed them. I’m so sorry, it was my fault, all of it.
The guilt consumed me.
And so, Enchanted Library became not only my therapy, but my attempt to try and say something about this.
I’ve been told before that Twilight’s guilt in EL is too much. Tiring. She should get over it already. And it’s true from an outsider’s perspective. But from the inside, it is all-consuming and breaking ties doesn’t kill it.
It never leaves. It was like... like a demon haunting me. Let us note how Discord only appears until the very last act of EL. And yet he was always there. His essence and the essence Twilight allowed of him.
Enchanted Library isn’t an adventure story.
It’s not even a romance story.
Enchanted Library as a series is the exploration of mental abuse. How to fight it. How it destroys us. How we live in it.
Though Twilight and I certainly did not share the same mental destruction, I used that story as an exploration of the topic. From both sides. From all sides.
Twilight, the one too shamed to say anything, to explain what she’d done for fear of being told it was her fault, and Rarity, our lovely POV, who had to endure being pushed back, being shut out, and not really understanding why this was happening.
To see someone she loved being swallowed in their own misery and despair and pain.
Rarity was never the main character of TEL. I mean, she was, but the character I was telling the story of was always Twilight. Twilight and her neverending fight against herself.
It is why the very last chapter of TEL ends with her.
I felt sick when I wrote the last chapter of TEL.
My roommate had to stop me from messaging the person nearly three or so years later to beg for forgiveness and even more so because I was a terrible person for writing a story to try and cope. Even then, I wanted them to take me back, even after I knew the damage our relationship had caused me.
How could I write Twilight freeing herself when I myself wasn’t free from it?
In the early drafts of TEL, Rarity saved Twilight. She broke the barrier and they reunited but it was wrong.
Because the cycle of mental abuse, the cycle of self-harm and pain cannot be fixed by someone else.
It had to be Twilight. It was Discord who put her there, yes, but it was she who remained. It was she who choose to stay in that cycle, to continue to be haunted by guilt and pain and despair.
Ultimately, it was her that had to break free.
It was her that had to say I was hurt, but it was not my fault. She had to choose to leave because no one else would do that for her.
A single scene was the culmination of years of pain and guilt and agony. It was the single most visceral thing I could write.
Twilight forgave herself, and so did I forgive myself.
I don’t blame myself anymore. I don’t blame them either. I choose to believe that we both played our part because this is the choice that gives me most peace. And I ask that you, readers, if you feel bothered or angry, don’t. I leave that relationship with some very good memories, some bad ones, and a life lesson that has made me into a better person.
Of course, it doesn’t end there.
Because saying “it wasn’t my fault” does not stop it. Because it is a choice I, and Twilight, and thousand others have to make every single day.
Because the guilt doesn’t go away fast.
Because it haunts you at every turn, and it gets to you sometimes, and it is hard to escape a mental prison you’ve been in for so long.
Because we hurt others when we’re hurting.
Because in TEK, Twilight still continues to be plagued by those damning four words and by the ceaseless guilt.
Because if TEL was the road to forgiving yourself, then TEK is the road to continue that path, as well as taking responsibility for those you hurt and making peace with those that hurt you. That's why I write them. Because the road to being better is hard, and painful, and it is worth making, even if we and others don't like it. Because if one person sees the journey of these characters, and I've written it well enough that it helps them, then it's worth it.
Forgiving yourself is only one step. Getting better is a harder and altogether different step altogether. It does not mean that you must blame yourself, but it means you must take responsability for what you've done.
Why did I write all this?
I’m burn-out. For days now, I’ve sat at my desk and wondered why should I finish TEK. What’s the point? Why do I spend my time agonizing over this story? I have been teetering on the edge of cancelling TEK for weeks now.
So I wrote this. To remind myself why I finished TEL. This is a blogpost for me, that I want to share.
I wrote TEL not because I wanted sympathy. I didn’t write it either just because I needed to cope, even if I stand by the fact that TEL is the reason I kept fighting suicidal tendencies in 2016.
I wrote TEL, mainly, because I wanted to tell a story about mental abuse, external and self-inflicted, raw and real and there, that might maybe help someone who felt the same way. A story that might help someone trapped in their own library.
I vented yesterday in Tumblr. Several followers approached me, sent me little messages of encouragement, and one finished their message with something that struck me deeply.
...And while we can’t take away your hurt, know that your writing is saving others from it.
If I have helped at least one person deal with their mental illness, then TEL has a reason for being.
If they are fighting to be better even though the road is hard, then it was worth it.
And if TEK will help them finish that journey, then I will try my best to finish it despite the tears, the blood, the depression, and the time.
As for this blogpost, I don't share this because I want sympathy. I've gone through therapy for this. I have moved on and am a better person for it, mentally and physically and emotionally. If you're worried, please don't be.
I share it because I think stories should have deeper meaning.
Because if at least one person related to this and felt less alone, it was worth it. If you are struggling through similar issues, please feel free to comment if it will help you.
If you don't know what to say but would like to say something, I would invite you to POST RARITWI DRAWINGS.
What I intend with my writing, as I do with these blogposts, is not to vent. It's to talk about things I've experienced so others may relate and find comfort, and maybe feel they're not alone.
Things will get better. Slowly. Painfully. But they will so long as we continue to make the choice to be better and fight. External pain will always find a way to hurt us, but only we can control the internal pain. It is a long road, but it is better to walk it than not to do so.
It does get better. Really. I know we aren't the closest friends. I'm just a random dude from the internet who you met once, but it really does get better. Our demons never really leave the back of our minds, and some nights we will stare at the ceiling wondering why we try, but it does get better.
I'm happy you found a way to find catharsis through storytelling, I'm much the same way.
Your Tumblr follower is right. What you do helps others. What you do not only helps people cope with their own struggles, but helps them objectively look at their struggles. How would twilight handle it? Not the show's twilight. Your twilight. You.
Your writing has probably stopped someone from taking their own life.
I'm here if you ever need anything. I believe in you. You're strong, funny, and a fkn awesome person. One foot in front of the other.
So I don't know if this is the kind of response you wanted to this. (I suspect there may not be a particular kind of response you wanted) but one thing in here just spoke to me in the moment.
Years ago I had no interest in writing fanfiction. I wrote tons and tons of original fiction, but no fanfiction. But I was struggling with my writing. I was struggling with failure and lack of fame and feeling like I wouldn't leave a mark on the world, that I wouldn't ever be anybody or amount to anything. And something about Rarity suddenly spoke to me, and gave me this idea, and I wrote my first-ever fanfiction, Longer Than Diamonds, about Rarity struggling with those same things.
And of course because it was a story and stories need nice, tidy, character arcs, and need to come to nice, tidy endings, I resolved that conflict for Rarity. Writing the resolution felt good to me, even! I thought writing it out had helped me get over it.
Yet seven years later I wrote Kicks Just Keep Getting Harder to Find, which has Rarity again being my stand-in for basically the exact same set of problems. She talks about them in a different way, but it's the same thing at it's heart. But it comes to a different, less tidy resolution, because after seven years of not having this fixed, I didn't want to write it being fixed for the character. I felt a little better after getting my feelings out (again) but I knew the problem hadn't gone away.
In fact I've spent the last week having a nasty depressive spiral that's resulted in several pretty bad meltdowns, over the same damn issue.
Some problems never get solved. We're so used to reading/seeing these stories where somebody has a problem, they learn something about it and about themselves, they grow and change, and then they move on, they get over it, they don't have that problem anymore.
But that's not how it goes in real life. Sure sometimes it is, and sure we do always change, but some things you're just stuck with. And it really bothers me when people call out characters as being "wrong" for not moving on, for not having the nice, tidy character arc that comes to a nice, tidy resolution. That's not wrong, that's oh so very right, because it's what really happens. We pine after the girl and don't get her. We fuck up and say sorry and mean it and then fuck up the same way tomorrow anyway.
Of course we should try to learn and grow and be better and do better. But I wish our stories had more room for untidy endings, more room for "not happily ever after, but getting by", that we could see ourselves the way we are, and not this fairy-tale, Hollywood thing that we can never be and yet all too often expect.
I can't find the perfect words to sum up what I'm thinking or feeling right now. All I can do is encourage you to keep fighting, for yourself and all of us. You're amazing and I've never once thought otherwise.
Keep your chin up, you've got this!
I'm sorry I don't have much to say that can be very profound or insightful on how you feel, we don't really know each other and I haven't been through the sorts of things you have. I will say I'm happy you're doing better and wish you luck in life and in writing.
Thank you for sharing something so personal.
I love you, mono.
And I think anyone who's sat through and read this shares that sentiment with me.
There are times when I think the entire reading/writing MLP community is one giant therapy session. And that's *wonderful*
We've talked about this a lot. You know what I've said.
This is well put. Very well put.
Mono
Raritwi is forever
That means you're forever
I figured I couldn't find a RariTwi picture that you haven't seen. I knew that any RariTwi would be okay, but I wanted to try something different, Here is more Abstract RariTwi. It's a book, that holds sewing needles, and has an owl on the front. I couldn't find a shot of the needles inside, but figured it would be good for at least a moment of amusement.
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Hear, hear!
Even if not all of us can directly relate, we're still here for you, Mono, and we're more than willing to help in any way that we can. Even if it's just to lend a shoulder to lean on or an ear to vent into. We do love you, Mono.
I don't got any kind advice. Any I did give would come off condescending.
So, I send love.
You touched on something in this blog that, for the longest time, was my least favorite complaint about Silent Ponyville 2.
The simple fact that, people would yell at me for having Fluttershy not able to instantly overcome the horror's of her past. That even though she was a child, even though she had no way of going against her parents, that even though she wasn't responsible for what they made her do, she still felt guilty because she had been the one to do it. Even if she couldn't disobey, she blamed her body for committing an atrocity she couldn't take back. And that the guilt eats at her and consumes her, and part of her story is overcoming the fact that, even if she knows with all logic and reason that she wasn't responsible, she still felt she was responsible and she had to come to terms with moving on.
When you hate yourself, when you are guilted by your actions, you are the only one who can forgive yourself. Even in circumstances beyond your control, you still have to have the strength to pull yourself out of that dark hole and move forward with your life.
If TEL was the story of you moving past that part of your life, and TEK is the part of your story moving forward, then I think you've done a fantastic and amazing job so far, and having talked with you in person, I know you continue to keep moving forward. No matter how hard it is, or how much it may pain you, you have the strength to keep going. And that is a trait more admirable than you can possibly imagine.
Its okay to take breaks, its okay to recharge, its okay to need time to come back to a project. Sometimes those breaks can give us the creativity to make our stories even better than they were. When you're burnt out, the best way to get better is to fill yourself with the inspirations that make your fire burn brightly once again.
We all love you Mono, and you consider us family as much as we do you. So you take care of yourself, and if you need any of us, we'll be there for you. Your mental health is just as important as anyone else.
pre00.deviantart.net/00c2/th/pre/i/2018/144/b/b/first_crush_by_earthsong9405-dcceo2b.jpg
I mean, you asked for RariTwi, so I give you RariTwi!
This was very powerful, and may have even given me some resolve to finish my own works ^^’
And yes, please don’t give up. TEL and K are some of the best written stories I have even come across on this site
Also: cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/3acr-1522884392-405631-full
Obligatory drawing
i.imgur.com/4oSve8Z.jpg
Not sure about deeper meaning for me, but in case of emotional emergency I do feel less shit when I read stories here, and your stories are ones of the best I found on FF
I can't speak for anyone else but you've certainly helped me. Thank you for not giving up and fighting for us.
edit: And this is why Discord in your story is so vile even as Twilight struggles to reconcile the monster she knows he is with the sympathetic friend she remembers. Because he did all this on purpose, and because you know from personal experience how to show how badly Twilight has been hurt.
Steel really like this story.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/240255/the-enchanted-library#comment/8168799
Take your time, Write, or write not. 25 means nothing. You WILL find renewed vigor, new happiness, new horizons to seek. Your best years are ahead of you. Far, far ahead where the shadows cannot reach. Love to you my dear. Much love and happiness.
Reading this, I don't feel like I should be angry or sad. Quite the contrary, it makes me happy. Because it tells me that you've helped yourself, and you want to help others, if you can. It's good to know that there are people who fought their own demons, and won. And even if you're still fighting, you've already won the first, and one of the largest, battles.
I'm not sure I can say much more than that, so here's a cute picture.
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Oh right, THAT’s where I heard your name from! Your Silent Ponyville stuff is great! Kudos!
I never felt that Twilights self blame was unrealistic or tired, because I know it's a hard feeling to shake. It's perhaps more difficult to shake than the coping mechanisms used to deal with the self loathing.
I love your writing, including this, that will remain true whether or not you finish TEK, though I would like to see how it wraps up.
It's okay to burn out, the embers are still there, if you need to wait a while that's fine, if it's done that's fine too. Do something else, doesn't need to be writing, doesn't need to be shared.
You've helped plenty of people with your writing and I have no doubt you'll help plenty more one way or another. I like I'm sureany others just want you to be as okay as you can be.
Thank you for sharing your stories, both fictional and true.
I can only say persevere. Looking back from 65, I can say that as you get older, it will get better.
I think your writing is wonderful. Please keep it up.
Things are pretty hectic on my end, so I'm afraid there will be no full comment here, but I didn't want to say nothing at all.
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Here's these two, as requested.
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I'm going to reply to everyone once I'm out of work, but I do want to add something to this.
Firstly, I'm really glad I've helped you! That means a lot, and I will keep trying my best.
Now, regarding Discord, I do want to state he isn't completely evil. He isn't completely good. He had his reasons, which I've detailed before and will detail more in TEK. I personally don't believe that everyone is totally evil and everyone is totally good.
There's also the fact that EL was Rarity's POV, so she only knows the horrible parts.
TEK is Twilight, and I hope to delve further into this conflict as the story progresses because Discord is going to be one of the most interesting plot-points of TEK.
We... no-
I am not good at comforting words or helping others, for I have Asberger’s syndrome. I just want you to know that I am glad to know this so that I can see and appreciate how you have finished your own version of Twilight’s struggle in TEL, and are on your way through your TEK. I am not too fussed how long it takes you to write more, but as long as you can continue your journey, and therefore Twilight can continue her’s, I will be happy as will everyone else, I believe. You don’t have to write if you feel like you can’t, but I will support you every step of your journey that I witness you take, and every step I don’t witness as well. (I would make a joke here along the lines of ‘as long as they are in the right direction’, But I don’t feel it is appropriate here).
The True Reflection believes in you, Monochromatic, and you should know that while you didn’t write this for sympathy, you got the good kind from me, and that can be difficult so well done.
~The True Reflection signing off
Keep fighting the good fight. You never know who you may inspire to do great things because of your struggles. It might not be right away but it very well may happen.
Seems this is the chosen response from people who don’t know what else to say, so …
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Can’t really find the right words but I hoping nothing but the best for you.
We don't know each other. We have never met and probably wont in this life time since the fandom will probably be over before I can afford to go to a Pony Convention on the other side of the globe, but nevertheless I find you to be an inspiration. After reading this blog post I wish I had the strength to do something like what you have been doing. I remember you have said in the past that you are nothing like Rarity but I have to disagree. You are both generous in what you do for others and that is something beautiful.
One last thing. Don't forget you have people who love you and a community that is always willing to listen.
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In an ideal world it would still exist but you would have not gone through everything that inspired it.
You are magnificent.
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You mean it isn't? Seriously, this comunity has been one of the most loving accepting and emotionally damaged I've ever seen.
It's given me several chances to have experiences that let me release pain I'd been carrying for ages, some I didn't even realize.
Some authors let you see and feel those emotions. Others give you moments where you can experience things you thought you'd lost and all the while we find people that remind us we're not alone, that there are others in the dame place. Some who've come through situations and can show us the way... or that it's possible and others we can help find a path through their misery.
I love this community for that alone and I might have been dead years ago without it.
I think I might be experiencing something similar... I would to verify it with you cause this has been going for a little over four years and I’d rather not say here in the comments...
I had to go back and reread the last couple chapters of TEL before I posted this.
And tears. Again.
I can't begin to understand what you went through - there's obviously more to your story than the one blog post. But I DO understand the lies that depression tells. I do understand the guilt and the self-blame, and in retrospect I also understand how it felt for others to be standing on the other side of my wall when I was fighting my own monsters.
Your work has educated me, one of the thousand little pebbles that broke the glass. And thank you for that. It can be hard to have perspective when your brain and your body are determined to keep you from it.
I for one hope you finish TEK. I'm picky about reading shipfic, and yours I enjoy. It is beautiful and complicated and has heart and character unto itself.
Thank you for sharing this with us. It adds a deep new angle on EL for me and makes me speculate about how TEK will play out.
Thank you and keep up the great work, its important!
I'll say this.
While I've definitely not been in that situation, I do understand mental illness and abuse. I've struggled with it for quite a long time, and TEL has helped tremendously. When I first read TEL, I didn't realize why it hit me so strongly, but thinking back on it due to this post, it makes sense. Shortly after finishing TEL I realized (not in the exact words, but nevertheless) what my "library" was, and the barrier blocking exit.
What I mean to say is this: You writing this story has helped me, personally, a tremendous amount. I can only imagine how many others you have helped as well. It isn't an easy task, and I can only imagine how it is for you, but I thank you for fighting through it, and creating this wonderful story.
PS: Going to say, I've never really cared about shipping any of the mane 6 before. Your writing, though, is just too amazing for Raritwi to not be my OTP now.