Hiatus on Story + Thoughts · 10:09pm April 3rd
Hi all!
Just letting you know this story will be hiatus'd for a bit.
Not because I'm not writing anymore, but because life got in the way so I wasn't able to finish it all in a fugue state as I wanted, and the reality is right now... I am not in the headspace necessary to write it.
Though, since I'm not doing that, I do at least want to talk about it.
The story very evidently speaks about my experience on the website during the heydays, and the leadup to the RCL "Best MLP Fic" contest. As some of you know, Enchanted Library won that contest in 2019 at Bronycon, and I credit TEL winning that to one of the biggest reasons my relationship with creativity is so damaged.
The thrill of winning that contest was shortlived compared to the horror that it exposed me to, which is essentially finding out how many of writers on this website resented the shit out of me. People I thought were my friends held it against me, using it as a tool to hurt themselves and bring themselves down. An author with a large following vagueblogged about me in a negative way, making me feel so bad over winning that I sent them a PM practically apologizing for winning--an action which I am deeply humiliated about and angry at myself for doing. I was subjected to people constantly telling me that 'hey congrats for winning, but really X should have won'. It was... very negative in general, and made my already crippling impostor syndrome worse.
I essentially started believing that because me winning that contest had hurt so many others, the least I could do is be fucking perfect. And I told myself everyone expected that of me, which I say I told myself to clarify that a lot of this was my own choice. It's a trite saying but it's true--people can only make you feel what you allow them to make you feel.
Ultimately, I hated writing after that. That, and only that is why I ended up leaving Fimfiction a few years back. The circles I got pulled into because I was "Good" were so toxic and filled with people constantly trying to be better than others or else, or needing massive validation, or--It was so much it poisoned me. I had people put themselves down with my work.
What really woke me up was the day I did the same. A dear friend showed me her fanfiction, and I was so consumed in my need to be the Best Writer Ever than when I read her story and it /felt/ better than mine, I straight up said I couldn't read it because it was too good. And that was horrible for her, as it should have been. Something she had brought with me to share, I was using as a weapon to stab myself, like so many folks had done with my work.
Leaving Fimfiction, cutting myself out of the circles of writers here, and being just on my website was the last resort I had to try and salvage my writing, and even salvage my love for Enchanted Library and the series, which was once my greatest pride and had now become my greatest pain.
Anyway. Anyway!
The point of all this was to explain a bit the mentality of the fic, but to say I am doing much better now. My relationship with writing is much better, and I am finally at a point where I only care about the readers who unconditionally support me. But because of that, and because right now I'm doing better, I don't feel like the story needs to be updated soon, and it was important for me to let you all know the reason why.
Crazy the change that can happen in two weeks and with ADD meds, lmao.
Lots of love!
Mono
I'm exceptionally happy you're doing better. I was incredibly curious what went into hollow shades, and I'm happy that it was successful at least in the sense of reclaiming something you loved to do. Write.
As someone who just started a new medication a week ago, the chances can be shocking.
Honestly, a story that requires you to be in a bad-headspace in order to be written -- in my honest opinion, is a story that can stay unfinished. You don't owe anyone shit.
Take care, Mono.
There can be a horrible irony about the fandom not representing the ideals the show tries to convey.
But for me, I loved reading TEL, being excited for each and every update of TEK, and hoping that you'll continue TEC at your own pace.
But I also love your other works, hell you're one of the writers who inspired me to start writing, and personally, I don't care if my works will be as good as someone else's, I just hope that it can bring people the same enjoyment I had reading other wonderful fics. Thank you for sharing your creative works, but please do what's best for you! And if that means taking a break, then with all the affection I type on a screen, scram and have some you time
,
Thank goodness you have so many true friends who stuck with you after so many envious and vindictive people treated you awfully. That's not true friendship. Please keep being you.
oh my god, I am so sorry that happened to you D: it never should have
god dammit, why are people like this :(
What 5775060 said. I'm so sorry that happened.
Jesus. I’d suspected there might but have been a link between TEL winning that contest and your eventual departure from here, but I didn’t know it ran that deep, or that painful and hurtful. So sorry to hear that, dear. And equally chuffed to know you’re in a better mental space now.
Seconding what others have said – stuff others’ jealously, envy or quality of expectation, you don’t owe anyone anything as far as writing is concerned. Keep on living life instead!
I... genuinely don't understand. If a story is good, why would anyone do anything other than point to it and tell everyone "this is great!"? But I suppose that's just me looking at the world differently. I'm very sorry you had to face people being mean because of something like that.
PresentPerfect took words out of my mouth.
TEL was a great story and the promise of more was all I needed, and it's why you leaving hurt so bad.
Do I resent you for leaving? No. I know it's what you needed, especially after reading this post.
I but lament that going further demanded more from me than I was willing to give for something so ephemeral.
To explain, I know the Enchanted and Bodyguard AUs will end someday, and there's no guarantee what succeeds them will catch my interest as those two did. And that's leaving out your inevitable retirement.
hell yeah
Very weird. Jealousy and resentment over fanfiction?... That's simply infantile behavior.
Guess competitive mindset can do wonders, sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Being a creative person is not easy. Good luck with your future endeavors!
I am sincerely sorry that our joking little tourney bracket led to such serious consequences for you. I'm very glad to hear that you've been able to escape the toxicity that oozed to the surface that day. Here's to true friends who can celebrate your triumphs rather than covet them for themselves. (Can't honestly count myself among them given how rarely we interact, but still.
)
It really hurts me to read this, because you're such a sweet and talented person, and deserve only gratitude for all the wonderful writing you've shared with the fandom. I know I've said it before, but I will repeat it here again; thank you so much for all the delightful stories that have given me so many hours and hours of enjoyment!
It sounds like you're getting some perspective on this (and distance in time is a huge part of that, so there's no rushing it) and that's a very good thing. I hope things continue to improve for you in all aspects of your life.
I'm really sorry that happened. :(
I'm happy you feel better.
I am so sorry you were dragged through all that—the more so that it was the result of what was supposed to be harmless fun. I am glad you have worked your way through it, and I am thrilled you are getting back up on the horse.
What a horrible situation, it seems constantly when something gets that much praise it comes with an equal amount of hate, Hope you can finally found peace with yourself and manage to ignore all that worthless noise.
As a pony doodler and sometimes writer, I'll be the first to admit that I might sometimes say, " ooh I wish I could be that good" or other such things. But to actively attack you for winning a fan contest?!? Some people seriously need to grow up.
I've participated in a couple of cosplay contests via the PVCF convention, I've gotten a few awards, but the people who got first place, I'd say "hey great job! Or congrats. "
In short, I am very glad to hear you are doing better. And a solid flying feather to the haters.
A lot of things happen in my life this couples of months, trying to fell happy again I started looking back in time and remember this page, I started reading to distract me from all my problems and doubts. I got to your stories I reread my favorites from the past and read some that are new for me. Some make me happy other make me laugh and other make me cry and think a lot.
In the middle of reading I saw this update I did not know about what happen and it make me sad that you went through this it sound like you will be ok but still.
Sorry for the long rambling all of this is for me to tell you, thanks for writing cause when I read them it make me fell alive.
This community of ours is essentially about ponies, creativity and love, not in any particular order.
Thanks for everything in the past and hopes to many more in the future.
Only those who follow the essence of our community is a member of it. Others are just missing the point.
See you later, be awesome and remember that you always have more support than imagined.
Onwards!
The threadwork will still be there when you’re ready.
Be well.
As a technical/engineering type I must admit that the drives and trials of a creative mind are beyond my grasp.
As a reader I am always disappointed that a story does not continue but in no way would I ever wish that someone has to be in such a dark mental place to have a story written... that is far too high a price to pay to create. Like others here, I am much happier to hear that you have found a better mindspace and are able to feel the personal worth which you truly deserve.
You are right, audiences can be fickle and readers sometimes feel that they know where they want the story to go but it is always the author's story and the readers needs to respect that. While some authors may 'mess' with their readers and abuse their power over the story and the characters, this is not something anyone could accuse you of. You write your characters with consistency and passion... you write what you believe and it shines through. Professional or amateur creativity can be a source of jealousy just like in any other endeavour and I am disappointed that some other creators on the site felt that taking the lame path of crushing other folks drive through guilt instead of taking inspiration from their lead was the path they chose. I can understand the looking at someone else's skill or work and thinking "Dang, that is so much better than my (whatever)!" as I have done myself many times in the past but I guess I will never understand the need to make them feel bad about it. I have always looked at it as an example of the path to possibly travel if I want to improve to their level or simply just sit back and admire from a distance.
While we may have preferred that you did not have to leave, we will always understand that you needed to do what you did for your own sake and that your own health is always far more important than any fictional story... the needs of reality trumps the needs of fiction any day of the week. My words as some vague voice on the interwebs may be fundamentally irrelevant but I would say to keep on moving forward and do as you need for your own sake and if that means a story comes our way then that is great but, if not, then that is just as great as long as you are doing well.
How incredibly unfair it is for some authors to treat authors with such negativity instead of celebrating their success. I always thought you were an amazing author and these little blog posts only made me like you even more. Because we can see how much effort and love you pour into your works! You winning that contest should have only been a good and fun moment in your writing career. I'm so sorry that you went through all that crap and I'm glad you've been able to pull through to the other side of it.
Take all the time that you need. Block the haters and know the good ones will always patiently await your return (if you so chose).
I'm sorry you found such nastiness within the fandom. =(
I'm glad you're doing better nowadays! Thank goodness!