- Member Since 2nd Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 8th, 2015
dark ganymede
Just starting to write fics, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
dark ganymede
Joined 2nd Feb, 2012 ·
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Don't worry about the momentary confusion, it all comes to closure in five more chapters.....
Feedback helps.
P.S. When this hits 1000 views I'll finish it.
What...the....
Eh? don't care about it. The last part had me there Spike might want to watch his tail. What say you Big Mac?
What was going on in Heartstroke's head when he heard about Spike:
emotibot.net/pix/1582.gif
But seriously though, you need to indent paragraphs and diary additions accordingly. It gets a little confusing sometimes when reading your story. Other than that, I look forward to reading the rest of it.
Oh... GOD! Please tell me he was dreaming!
Seriously, that was some fucked up shit right there! Goddamn, and what the hell!?
This is seriously wicked scary
Seems like this was left incomplete.
Anyways, i gotta remark that your story per-se is quite good. Even tho the characters are out of their normal personalities it works well with what you accomplished here. Some stuff seem a lil bit forced, but nothing unforgivable. At first i thought that the over reactions of twilight and spike (in the scene in which she yelled at him because of the crystals) was just a fabrication of heartstroke´s mind, because he wanted to see/hear spike suffer, but now we see how fucked up the world and its inhabitants are.
I cant tell if you managed to make this out of luck or you planned it all along, but still, quite good and entertaining to analyze.
On the other hand. OH GOD GORE, RAPE, DEATH JESUS CHRIST MY EYES HURT.
uh thanks haha. yeah chap 4 is still in progress, and I did go for that "now we see how fucked up the world is" thing, but I got lucky too. and sorry bout ur eyes.
249358
Its k. Keep up the good work
Well written, but Spike is demon in this, I feel bad for Pinkie.
Seems like Spike wasn't as bad as I thought, but Celestia "Is" a real bitch
249889 Eeyup. Thank you. Just an observation, so far no one has said my story is horrid but I still get thumbed down. Weird.
THIS IS HUGE, NO MATTER HOW MESSED UP IT IS
Hah, he said huge.
Thanks though. Well, time to start part 2....its going to be a seperate story, but still a continuation. woo.
Thanks for continuing looking forward to it.
Yeah...I'm just going to put the whole story here for convenience. Much easier to do, and less confusion.
Updated.
Thank you for continuing this, can't wait to see more, I wish this was more popular it just keeps getting better...
311431 You sir, have just made my day.
Ok, now its done. Feedback helps please. Please please please.
THIS IS SO FUCKING AMAZING!!!
my brain hurts....yet i want more....
Honestly, nothing to say but work on your grammar, THIS IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!
360257 Heh thanks. I'll fix all the grammar after I finish every chapter. Wish more people liked it as much as you do......
Updated. This was fun to do.
And yeah feedback helps.
what o.o THis is genuinely creepy! Nice
362964 Why thank you good sir. I highly appreciate the time you took to comment on the chapter.
363035 No problem. its the least i could do for such an amazing writer such as yourself!
362964 Amazing? Meh. If its so amazing then spread the word, that would help significantly.
If its not a trouble.
It is done.
I found it pretty horribly phased, it needs more buildup. The language I don't think works with the atmosphere, and I am pretty much biased against this type of fic to begin with, so I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.
369249 Thanks that was actually pretty helpful. If I may ask what do you mean by the language not fitting the atmosphere? I put the story in Heatstrokes point of view so its going to be different I guess, but how does it not fit the atmosphere? Please explain that.
369794
I'll try... I guess it just struck me as a bit matter-of-fact in places, if that makes sense- And that may be a feature, I mean,in first person, the voice is going to reflect the character, but considering the crazy shit that goes on in places, it personally pushed my suspension of disbelief.
369829 Ah I see what you mean. I "tried" to make it obvious in the grammar how he says some things happened in the past tense, (hence the more relaxed point of view leading to the matter of fact voice) while others are present
Putting this on hiatus so I can do another story. Need a break from this.
Opinions of how it is so far would be helpful. At this point in the story I have no idea what to do at all.
This somewhat reminds me of the matrix. And I find it slightly hard to follow but i look forward to whatever madness you write!
Now that I have finished this chapter, in all general honesty.....I fucking hate this story. I really, REAAALLY don't like it. I wanna take it and chop it into bite size pieces and feed them to a baby. As soon as I finish the shit quality chapters that are left, I'm done with writing like this. The story has no plot whatsoever, it's based off of 50 movies I've seen and the style of writing is my attempt at idolizing H.G Welles' 1984. I'm not even sure if he wrote the damn book. Go read that instead of this story. As soon as I finish this no plot Mary Sue merged with Mr. Anderson type fic don't even mention this horrible, HORRIBLE story. Good fucking day.
possibly right about the plot
, but its still amazing writing
403882
Really?
386573 Welp this story has become an absolute cluster-fuck of shit that I cant follow, but everything before the future equestria was pretty cool to me.
I'm gonna check out some of your other works now (if you have any, i hope you do!)