I found it pretty horribly phased, it needs more buildup. The language I don't think works with the atmosphere, and I am pretty much biased against this type of fic to begin with, so I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.
369249 Thanks that was actually pretty helpful. If I may ask what do you mean by the language not fitting the atmosphere? I put the story in Heatstrokes point of view so its going to be different I guess, but how does it not fit the atmosphere? Please explain that.
369794 I'll try... I guess it just struck me as a bit matter-of-fact in places, if that makes sense- And that may be a feature, I mean,in first person, the voice is going to reflect the character, but considering the crazy shit that goes on in places, it personally pushed my suspension of disbelief.
369829 Ah I see what you mean. I "tried" to make it obvious in the grammar how he says some things happened in the past tense, (hence the more relaxed point of view leading to the matter of fact voice) while others are present
Updated. This was fun to do. And yeah feedback helps.
what o.o THis is genuinely creepy! Nice
362964 Why thank you good sir. I highly appreciate the time you took to comment on the chapter.
363035 No problem. its the least i could do for such an amazing writer such as yourself!
362964 Amazing? Meh. If its so amazing then spread the word, that would help significantly. If its not a trouble.
I found it pretty horribly phased, it needs more buildup. The language I don't think works with the atmosphere, and I am pretty much biased against this type of fic to begin with, so I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.
369249 Thanks that was actually pretty helpful. If I may ask what do you mean by the language not fitting the atmosphere? I put the story in Heatstrokes point of view so its going to be different I guess, but how does it not fit the atmosphere? Please explain that.
369794
I'll try... I guess it just struck me as a bit matter-of-fact in places, if that makes sense- And that may be a feature, I mean,in first person, the voice is going to reflect the character, but considering the crazy shit that goes on in places, it personally pushed my suspension of disbelief.
369829 Ah I see what you mean. I "tried" to make it obvious in the grammar how he says some things happened in the past tense, (hence the more relaxed point of view leading to the matter of fact voice) while others are present