• Member Since 28th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen August 1st

dragonpony111


Just a man who enjoys the show (especially Derpy and Dinky) that also has a thing for writing sad/feelgood stories, usually about baby ponies.

E
Source

This story is about Cheerilee rescuing an abandoned filly on the brink of death, who then adopts the filly as her first daughter.

The unicorn filly is an OC and not from the show at all, just to clarify.

The new cover art is done!!! all thanks to monk-fishy on deviantart!!!

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 84 )

good start fuck the new layout and favorited

2270746

Thanks btw I like letting my readers add in their own ideas if they want. So feel free to send me any ideas you have!!!

nice start... a little complicated to get trough the new layout but already favourited and waiting where this story went

2270943

Thanks, chapter 2 is nearly done as I am writing this comment. Have any ideas of where you want it to go? I like letting my readers/fans add into my stories, that way we both are making a journey.

:derpyderp2::scootangel::unsuresweetie: commencing a favorite in 3 2 1

2271043
Thanks, we received your request and you are cleared for favoriting.

Okay i'm a sucker for sad and cute stuff so i was drawn immediately

I have my concerns though first off is why the heck you're saying the pony's name after they talk. it's not a script :flutterrage:

Also where's the personality?, Nurse Redheart and Cheerlie both sound like robots :derpytongue2:

I don't mean to go off like that without your permission but i actually liked it

Thanks

2271657

There I got rid of the scripty feel you said it had, but as for sounding like robots I can't really help that as they don't sound like that to me..

2272418
Well it is just my opinion but I think they should have a bit more personality
Take it as you may but I still cant get over your cover art
Like I said I'm a sucker for these kinds of stories

2272470

Thanks I spent hours looking for the perfect cover image.

I thought this was already completed
:unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie:

I can't wait for the next chapter! Though if I am typing this and I'm not exploding or popping out of existence that means I'm waiting! I guess I can wait. This story is really fun to read so carry on. Also this formatting is evil.

you should check the last word otherwise damn cuddly feel good cutesy story

2278826
Thanks for pointing out the capitalization error, I got it.

Only on chapter 1, but I've noticed a few things.
Most people use commas instead of colons when describing what a character said. It looks better.
So instead of this:

Cheerilee quickly gets up and frantically asks:

“How is she Nurse? Was I too late?”

With a comforting look on her face Nurse Redheart answers back:

“The filly looks like she will pull through; you brought her in just in the nick of time. Thank Celestia you found her when you did.”

Something like this:

Cheerilee quickly got up. "How is she, Nurse?" she asked frantically. "Was I too late?"

Nurse Redheart answered with a comforting look. "No. The filly looks like she will pull through. You brought her here just in the nick of time."

Also, you switch between present and past tense a few times. Like that quoted part? Present tense. The next scene? Past as Cheerilee walked to the ICU.

This sentence has both problems.

Cheerilee lets out a massive sigh of relief and collects her composure before she asked:

“Where is the filly? Can I see her now?”

"lets", "collects", but "asked". It's a bit confusing.

2283546

Thank you so much for pointing those out(will get on them), as you can see my main issue is trying to make sure I type everything in past tense. But what do you think of the story so far?

Chapter 4.
I call shenanigans in the highest degree. ANY mother would dive in after her.

Also, there's a lot of tell and not quite enough show, all throughout the story.
Example:

Charity was always somewhat of an attention grabber and liked to show off in any way she could.

Don't tell me this. Show me this. Show me that she gets excited when others watch. Show me she gets sad when ponies don't. Show me her internal thoughts--'Ooh, they're going to love this!', and then I'll know without you having to tell me.

Though it is an adorable concept.

2283580

Is there a balance then? or are some people just hard to please? Because one of my very first stories that I ended up deleting people complained I did nothing but showing and not enough telling.

2283580

not to start an argument but when my parents watched my own dog attack me when I was a kid my neighbor was the one who reacted first.

2283588
Since you deleted it, I can't compare the two... :unsuresweetie:
I suppose I'm kindof judging you on my personal preference, but there is a balance. On one end, there is the script.

Pinkie threw a party. It was fun. They ate cake. Twilight went home.

But on the other end, there is what's called purple prose, where there is so much detail that we lose the story.

It was a beautiful day in Equestria. The sun was shining brightly, the breeze blew gently, and a very happy pink earth pony with a curly mane bounced cheerfully down the empty road. Pinkie Pie, for that was her name, was extremely excited, for she was going to throw a party later that day. She had it all planned out. She would have chocolate cake of the deepest, darkest chocolate, brownies made only with the finest of frosting and highest quality of sugar, and punch hoof-stirred with actual juice and real sugar. She had invited all her friends, including the shy butter-yellow pegasus named Fluttershy, who loved working with animals, and

and by this point, my ADD has kicked in and I really don't know what I'm reading anymore.
I dunno. It may be just me.
It's not all tell, though. Like when Cheerilee is taking care of Charity? You threw in her thoughts on how her body wouldn't produce milk. That kind of thing I like--an insight into her thinking, her personal feelings. The nightmare in chapter three and aftermath? Charity's pride at standing? Good stuff.
Well, bad, because nightmare. But still.

It really is a sweet story, but some parts feel kindof choppy. Like the nightmare in chapter three? Ten of the thirteen or so sentences started with "Cheerilee". That feels a bit repetitive to me. Then again, one of my English teachers always marked us off if we started two or more sentences in a paragraph with the same word, so that might be part of it.
I guess that's my real complaint here. It's slightly choppy. And could probably use some more commas (though that might just be me. I'm a comma-nazi, sorry). I really like the concept, though.

Also, your own dog? That's just... betrayal.

Dammit Scootaloo. This is why we can't have cute adorable things :applecry:

Holy god, i regret thinking this sucks. your grammar might suck but you had my heart pounding, good job:heart:
you still need to work on the grammar but the story does have its moments

2289211

I know my grammar is terribad, I'm working on it but thanks.

Yeah don't take it as an insult, i'm still working on mine... not to toot my own horn or anything :moustache: but i think i have better grammar than you
:facehoof: Sorry i really don't mean to sound like an egotistical manic honest :heart:

2289312

No its cool. but grammar aside, do you like the story plot? I also know I need to show more and tell less. Also in the works I have an artist kindly drawing the OC pony Charity so I can finally stop using someone else's work and actually show my readers what Charity looks like.

Well to be completely honest, i feel that in moments you went too fast.
for example, in chapter two, you could have milked Charity being sick for at least two chapters. you could have made her milestones, like talking and becoming better in general more moving if you dragged it out a little bit more.
also, there is no need to tell people everytime that this pony is going to speak. you haven't gotten rid of the script feel completely, trust people in the fact that they will know who is talking and say things like Rarity said or she said, it makes it flow much better and that's what you seem to have the most trouble with

2289490
hmmmm maybe instead of chapter 5 ill put this on hiatus and just rewrite the first 4 chapters. Then ill continue on with the story.

That's your choice my friend. i myself have deleted one of my stories completely so i can revise it. believe it or not, that story has gone through 4 revisions and i don't mean revision like you might make. i mean story changing revisions, i might as well of made four different stories. all together i estimate that i've typed over 200000 words for the one story

nooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
not charity!!:applecry::applecry::applecry::applecry:
dont drown

I must admit, stories like this are irrtatingly easy to mess up, but I think you've got this under control.

This is why we always watch our foals, Cheerilee... :twilightangry2:

this is a beautiful story, my only concern is that you seem to be repeating Cheerilee a lot, but other than that this is great! :twilightsmile:

2312630

Thanks, but soon im going back and rewriting all the chapters to show more and tell less, and to correct my grammar such as using names like cheerilee too much. after that then I will add more chapters

WOW RAIRTY WAS ACUTTACLY NOT A DRAMA QUEEN:pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp:

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!AWESONMESS.

2414124

thanks more to come soon and an awesome OC cover art to come as well!!!

2426445

Shoulda put that in spoiler tags

Hint hint

Cool, Cheerilee went dumpster diving. LoL!

2583907 well in a sense yes but only because of her loving and caring nature

Charity just sat there with a confused look on her face as this was her first time interacting with other ponies besides her mother or the hospital staff.

Or whoever threw her in the dumpster.

Those stupid CMC, They were supposed to be watching the baby! :pinkiegasp:

2584104

I love your straight forward commentary

2584147


thats ththe CMC for you. Too obsessed with getting cutie marks

Zap apple jam? What next? Caviar?

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